Hi, i'm SolidKarma and i'm an alcoholic.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I found that my "bottoms" kept getting deeper and deeper. For me, Rock Bottom equals Death. I'm not going there on my own willpower today.
Stop digging for that rock bottom now. You can make it to one year and beyond!!
Stop digging for that rock bottom now. You can make it to one year and beyond!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad you made it to AA and to this place. I've been sobriety just over 2 years. I'm also an AAer and firmly believe that everyone's bottom is difference. It's just where we happen to be when we acknowledge that alcohol is what takes us deeper down the hold, and decide to stop digging. For years alcohol was labelled lots of things. Solution. Relief. Respite. Fun. Reward. One day I realised that I was kidding myself about cutting down, as that never worked, and that with it in my life nothing could ever change. I could never change. I started to recognise my own dependence for what it was. And to recognise alcohol as the poison it was to me. My step work has been an opportunity to explore and grow, and you know what, there is NO WAY I'd give up the peace that I have found to go back to where I was.
I would suggest that once you've got to know people in your meetings and know some people who have 'what you want' (in terms of their sobriety, not their cool boots or funky car lol) then you will be in a position to ask one of those people to sponsor you through the steps. The steps can give you the serenity that you need so that you will not want to take a drink, and certainly won't need it as a sleep aid.)
Wishing you all the best in your journey, through sobriety, to recovery, peace, joy and serenity.
I would suggest that once you've got to know people in your meetings and know some people who have 'what you want' (in terms of their sobriety, not their cool boots or funky car lol) then you will be in a position to ask one of those people to sponsor you through the steps. The steps can give you the serenity that you need so that you will not want to take a drink, and certainly won't need it as a sleep aid.)
Wishing you all the best in your journey, through sobriety, to recovery, peace, joy and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
Welcome to the community Karma 
I'm very sorry about your father. Have you got any grief counseling? There is a grief forum here on SR too.
I find that the more I educate myself about alcoholism and recall the misery and hardships of other alcoholics/addicts in my family, the less I want to find out what my ROCK BOTTOM looks like. The rock bottom that got me here was enough, ROCK BOTTOM isn't necessary. I can see where I'm headed if I continue to drink, and that's all I need to know to understand why I need to recover now.
Drinking just brings more pain into painful situations. It also can have a way of retarding the healing process, keeping us stuck.
I'm very sorry about your father. Have you got any grief counseling? There is a grief forum here on SR too. I find that the more I educate myself about alcoholism and recall the misery and hardships of other alcoholics/addicts in my family, the less I want to find out what my ROCK BOTTOM looks like. The rock bottom that got me here was enough, ROCK BOTTOM isn't necessary. I can see where I'm headed if I continue to drink, and that's all I need to know to understand why I need to recover now.
Drinking just brings more pain into painful situations. It also can have a way of retarding the healing process, keeping us stuck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hi sk
There are reams and reams of us who've hit terrible rock bottoms.
Rock bottom. I think contemplating it is kind of like keeping the door open a crack and peeking at the beast.
I've hit so many rock bottoms- and nearly died because of it more than once- and kept right on going back to drinking.
I've come to realize I'm not a cat with 9 lives. I've had enough rock bottom experiences and lived to tell the tale, I'd really rather be done with the whole Russian roulette game. If I keep it up, the bullet is going to find me sooner rather than later.
32 years of sober and drunk unhappiness. There has got to be a better way right?
There are reams and reams of us who've hit terrible rock bottoms.
Rock bottom. I think contemplating it is kind of like keeping the door open a crack and peeking at the beast.
I've hit so many rock bottoms- and nearly died because of it more than once- and kept right on going back to drinking.
I've come to realize I'm not a cat with 9 lives. I've had enough rock bottom experiences and lived to tell the tale, I'd really rather be done with the whole Russian roulette game. If I keep it up, the bullet is going to find me sooner rather than later.
32 years of sober and drunk unhappiness. There has got to be a better way right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
I would suggest that once you've got to know people in your meetings and know some people who have 'what you want' (in terms of their sobriety, not their cool boots or funky car lol) then you will be in a position to ask one of those people to sponsor you through the steps.
I actually got a sponsor very quickly, and have been working the steps. Last week I worked step 5, and now am on step 8. However yesterday some unfortunate events happened between my sponson and myself, and I am a little unsure of how to proceed. I'm thinking about starting a seperate thread to gain some advice from long time AA people.
Originally Posted by ItsViolet
Welcome to the community Karma I'm very sorry about your father. Have you got any grief counseling? There is a grief forum here on SR too.
I find that the more I educate myself about alcoholism and recall the misery and hardships of other alcoholics/addicts in my family, the less I want to find out what my ROCK BOTTOM looks like. The rock bottom that got me here was enough, ROCK BOTTOM isn't necessary. I can see where I'm headed if I continue to drink, and that's all I need to know to understand why I need to recover now.
I'm very sorry about your father. Have you got any grief counseling? There is a grief forum here on SR too. I find that the more I educate myself about alcoholism and recall the misery and hardships of other alcoholics/addicts in my family, the less I want to find out what my ROCK BOTTOM looks like. The rock bottom that got me here was enough, ROCK BOTTOM isn't necessary. I can see where I'm headed if I continue to drink, and that's all I need to know to understand why I need to recover now.
Thanks for the suggestions.
After my posts regarding rock bottom, i've totally changed my outlook. I now realize my rock bottom was good enough. I've read so many posts of people relapse, rock bottoms, that I know I could get worse if I wanted. But like they say in the BB, why would I go down such a road if I saw it coming?
Originally Posted by Delizadee
Hi sk
There are reams and reams of us who've hit terrible rock bottoms.
Rock bottom. I think contemplating it is kind of like keeping the door open a crack and peeking at the beast.
I've hit so many rock bottoms- and nearly died because of it more than once- and kept right on going back to drinking.
I've come to realize I'm not a cat with 9 lives. I've had enough rock bottom experiences and lived to tell the tale, I'd really rather be done with the whole Russian roulette game. If I keep it up, the bullet is going to find me sooner rather than later.
32 years of sober and drunk unhappiness. There has got to be a better way right?
There are reams and reams of us who've hit terrible rock bottoms.
Rock bottom. I think contemplating it is kind of like keeping the door open a crack and peeking at the beast.
I've hit so many rock bottoms- and nearly died because of it more than once- and kept right on going back to drinking.
I've come to realize I'm not a cat with 9 lives. I've had enough rock bottom experiences and lived to tell the tale, I'd really rather be done with the whole Russian roulette game. If I keep it up, the bullet is going to find me sooner rather than later.
32 years of sober and drunk unhappiness. There has got to be a better way right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Well I just wanted to give a little update.
I've been off the grid for a few weeks, and haven't been on SR very much. To say that I have been struggling is an understatement.
Today through Saturday my program is putting on a recruitment event, were we host a bunch of students and teach them the graduate school application process. These events are the hardest for me, because they were the "enjoyable" drinking times of past. They were the times were you would mingle with a bunch of nice and interesting new people, sip some beer and eat food. Thus for me I crave alcohol most when re-experiencing these sorts of events, especially for the first time.
Tonight I went to a small group dinner at a local restaurant. I happened to be paired up with a faculty member who is known for partying and heavy drinking. I have been in a couple situations since my sobriety date where i've declined a drink in front of people who have no idea of my situation, and there were no questions asked. However today I kept thinking to myself, "Maybe one of them will ask me why I didn't order a drink, push me a little, and then i'll give in." The battle ensues as my 'higher self' comes in and starts to stand up to my lower self, and remember WHY I can't drink, even just one. So i'm feeling good with things...
Anyway we go to dinner, and of course no one even notices I order only water (because only 2 out of 7 people got a beer anyhow), and all of a sudden I ask my friend what kind of beer she got!?!?! I'm like, "WTF? Did I just say that?" And she said "It's a macadamia nut beer, wanna try?", and hands it to me!
I took a sip.
Honestly, I think only other alcoholics can understand this, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour, going back and forth about what to do. Everyone else at the table continued on with their conversations, while I was exploding inside! "OMG, am I going to get drunk from that?" "If I have the 'allergy', am I going to run to the nearest bar and order a round of shots?"
I contemplated ordering a beer, but didn't. We finished dinner, I drove the students to their hotel and the faculty member to his car, and dropped off the van. I walk inside our building to drop the keys in the mailroom, and with no forethought started walking to a break room down the hall where I know a fridge full of beer is at. I put one beer in my backpack, and walk out to my car. It's 8:00 pm.
I drove home and felt oddly insensitive. I was thinking about the beer a little, and my thoughts were: "Let's just drink one beer, and test the hypothesis that just one is too many. Let's just sip it really slow. No let's just chug it and be done with it! Should I go get more? Will I go get more?"
Then I got home, and it hit me. What was really happening. I started thinking about all of the posts i've read on here on SR, all the people who have relapsed and are starting over. Or the ones who can't stop. I started thinking about all the people i've met in AA, all the stories i've heard. I thought, "What if THIS instant is the last time i'll ever be sober? What if I can't quit again?"
I melted. My heart sank, I started crying. It was past 7 pm, which is the latest that my sponsor wanted me to call him for check in, however I knew a circumstance like this was different. So I called him, and I am so thankful I did. We talked for 20 minutes, I poured out the beer, we prayed, I cried, a lot. And I didn't drink. I'm 65 days sober from alcohol today. I'm overwhelmed with everything, but I want to come back another day and explain what led me here and what I plan to do to continue my sobriety.
Thanks for the support everyone.
I've been off the grid for a few weeks, and haven't been on SR very much. To say that I have been struggling is an understatement.
Today through Saturday my program is putting on a recruitment event, were we host a bunch of students and teach them the graduate school application process. These events are the hardest for me, because they were the "enjoyable" drinking times of past. They were the times were you would mingle with a bunch of nice and interesting new people, sip some beer and eat food. Thus for me I crave alcohol most when re-experiencing these sorts of events, especially for the first time.
Tonight I went to a small group dinner at a local restaurant. I happened to be paired up with a faculty member who is known for partying and heavy drinking. I have been in a couple situations since my sobriety date where i've declined a drink in front of people who have no idea of my situation, and there were no questions asked. However today I kept thinking to myself, "Maybe one of them will ask me why I didn't order a drink, push me a little, and then i'll give in." The battle ensues as my 'higher self' comes in and starts to stand up to my lower self, and remember WHY I can't drink, even just one. So i'm feeling good with things...
Anyway we go to dinner, and of course no one even notices I order only water (because only 2 out of 7 people got a beer anyhow), and all of a sudden I ask my friend what kind of beer she got!?!?! I'm like, "WTF? Did I just say that?" And she said "It's a macadamia nut beer, wanna try?", and hands it to me!
I took a sip.
Honestly, I think only other alcoholics can understand this, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour, going back and forth about what to do. Everyone else at the table continued on with their conversations, while I was exploding inside! "OMG, am I going to get drunk from that?" "If I have the 'allergy', am I going to run to the nearest bar and order a round of shots?"
I contemplated ordering a beer, but didn't. We finished dinner, I drove the students to their hotel and the faculty member to his car, and dropped off the van. I walk inside our building to drop the keys in the mailroom, and with no forethought started walking to a break room down the hall where I know a fridge full of beer is at. I put one beer in my backpack, and walk out to my car. It's 8:00 pm.
I drove home and felt oddly insensitive. I was thinking about the beer a little, and my thoughts were: "Let's just drink one beer, and test the hypothesis that just one is too many. Let's just sip it really slow. No let's just chug it and be done with it! Should I go get more? Will I go get more?"
Then I got home, and it hit me. What was really happening. I started thinking about all of the posts i've read on here on SR, all the people who have relapsed and are starting over. Or the ones who can't stop. I started thinking about all the people i've met in AA, all the stories i've heard. I thought, "What if THIS instant is the last time i'll ever be sober? What if I can't quit again?"
I melted. My heart sank, I started crying. It was past 7 pm, which is the latest that my sponsor wanted me to call him for check in, however I knew a circumstance like this was different. So I called him, and I am so thankful I did. We talked for 20 minutes, I poured out the beer, we prayed, I cried, a lot. And I didn't drink. I'm 65 days sober from alcohol today. I'm overwhelmed with everything, but I want to come back another day and explain what led me here and what I plan to do to continue my sobriety.
Thanks for the support everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well done for spotting what was happening and following your plan through by contacting yiur sponsor and letting him help you climb out of the vortex.
Never mind that can. Just that sip was enough to topple you into the dangerous waters. That numb feeling sounds to me like your AV was in the drivers seat. And I remember that feeling. Almost like being a bit drunk before I'd even had the first drink of the evening. Like being a the top of a roller coaster in free fall.
Scary stuff. So glad you're still with us. Stay close.
Never mind that can. Just that sip was enough to topple you into the dangerous waters. That numb feeling sounds to me like your AV was in the drivers seat. And I remember that feeling. Almost like being a bit drunk before I'd even had the first drink of the evening. Like being a the top of a roller coaster in free fall.
Scary stuff. So glad you're still with us. Stay close.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Oh wow, what a story, SolidKarma. I've had that relapse before. Maybe not the exact details, but emotionally I've been through those same steps. As I was reading I was in so much suspense. It brought it back so vividly, the autopilot, the weird conversations with the self.
I am so happy for you. You did so well. You had a support network and you used it. Good job.
I am so happy for you. You did so well. You had a support network and you used it. Good job.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm glad you called your sponsor...that was a really risky situation SK.
do you have any plans to beef up your recovery plan now?
D
do you have any plans to beef up your recovery plan now?
D
Yes I have been putting together a new plan since last night. It all has to do with my situation with my sponsor, and my other issues. But things are coming full circle and i'm processing some very key realizations.
Originally Posted by Beccybean
Well done for spotting what was happening and following your plan through by contacting yiur sponsor and letting him help you climb out of the vortex.
Never mind that can. Just that sip was enough to topple you into the dangerous waters. That numb feeling sounds to me like your AV was in the drivers seat. And I remember that feeling. Almost like being a bit drunk before I'd even had the first drink of the evening. Like being a the top of a roller coaster in free fall.
Scary stuff. So glad you're still with us. Stay close.
Never mind that can. Just that sip was enough to topple you into the dangerous waters. That numb feeling sounds to me like your AV was in the drivers seat. And I remember that feeling. Almost like being a bit drunk before I'd even had the first drink of the evening. Like being a the top of a roller coaster in free fall.
Scary stuff. So glad you're still with us. Stay close.
Originally Posted by fantail
Oh wow, what a story, SolidKarma. I've had that relapse before. Maybe not the exact details, but emotionally I've been through those same steps. As I was reading I was in so much suspense. It brought it back so vividly, the autopilot, the weird conversations with the self.
I am so happy for you. You did so well. You had a support network and you used it. Good job.
I am so happy for you. You did so well. You had a support network and you used it. Good job.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Hello everyone,
First I wanted to give a gigantic thank you to SR, especially the 'old timers' who have sobriety time, and keep coming back here to pay it forward. This is the most amazing forum I have ever been a part of. I greatly appreciate the positivity, gentleness, acceptance, compassion, and lack of negativity. The longer I am a part of SR I realize how much work the moderators have to put towards the forum in order to keep it that way. Thank you a million times.
For me? Today is day 84 without alcohol! Although I am not where I want to be in life, I’m proud that I’m making progress. After my last close call, I’ve been really approaching things differently. Here are some things that have been working for me:
- The most important thing is to remember why. Why I can’t drink. I hear stories all the time (especially here) about people questioning this, and thinking they can drink regularly. And I can totally relate, because I experience the same impulses that causes such thoughts to arise. For me, it’s being far removed from my ‘alcoholic’ self, and because I personally never ‘hit rock bottom’ (whatever that is) I don’t have anything weighing on me in regards to my drinking habits. What I mean is, I didn’t lose my job/wife/car/house etc., I didn’t get a DUI, and had only subtle physiological and cognitive side effects as a result of my abuse. Thus now that I have a little time away from the drink, it’s much easier to simply remember the good parts, see others drinking with impunity and wonder why I can’t do that. I’ve found that I frequently need to think about WHY I can’t drink, and understand where it will definitely lead if I start.
On this note I wanted to add a little more. It’s actually quite easy to understand WHY I can’t drink, and I’m wondering if others are similar. When I crave alcohol, I don’t crave a sip, a few drinks. I crave getting %^(&#%@! up! I know I don’t even desire a few drinks, I want to get drunk!
- The most important thing (see what I did there) is to have a plan that specifically addresses two parts of recovery. The first part that the plan should address is how you are going to change your life. Quitting drugs and alcohol is quite easy, staying quit is what’s difficult. It takes drastic changes. I’m not just talking about making beds and eating healthy (although these are great things and I need to start making my bed). I mean doing some deep soul searching, introspection, and developing habits that cultivate your best character. This, as it turns out, becomes a lifelong journey. To quit alcohol, you have to fill your life with other fulfilling experiences and learn to be your highest self, otherwise it’s just so tempting to go back to the padded lifestyle that alcohol supports. The second thing the plan should address is how you are going to deal with the alcoholic self which is still deep-rooted inside of you, waiting for the right moment to creep back up and try to take control. How are you going to handle cravings when they hit? Stuff like this.
I don’t mean to say all this and mean that in 84 days I’ve changed my life. No way. But I’m really happy to say that I’m aware of the things that I can and should change, and am working on those. I also am learning to accept the things I can’t change and embrace them.
I’m still on the journey…thank you forces of the universe!
First I wanted to give a gigantic thank you to SR, especially the 'old timers' who have sobriety time, and keep coming back here to pay it forward. This is the most amazing forum I have ever been a part of. I greatly appreciate the positivity, gentleness, acceptance, compassion, and lack of negativity. The longer I am a part of SR I realize how much work the moderators have to put towards the forum in order to keep it that way. Thank you a million times.
For me? Today is day 84 without alcohol! Although I am not where I want to be in life, I’m proud that I’m making progress. After my last close call, I’ve been really approaching things differently. Here are some things that have been working for me:
- The most important thing is to remember why. Why I can’t drink. I hear stories all the time (especially here) about people questioning this, and thinking they can drink regularly. And I can totally relate, because I experience the same impulses that causes such thoughts to arise. For me, it’s being far removed from my ‘alcoholic’ self, and because I personally never ‘hit rock bottom’ (whatever that is) I don’t have anything weighing on me in regards to my drinking habits. What I mean is, I didn’t lose my job/wife/car/house etc., I didn’t get a DUI, and had only subtle physiological and cognitive side effects as a result of my abuse. Thus now that I have a little time away from the drink, it’s much easier to simply remember the good parts, see others drinking with impunity and wonder why I can’t do that. I’ve found that I frequently need to think about WHY I can’t drink, and understand where it will definitely lead if I start.
On this note I wanted to add a little more. It’s actually quite easy to understand WHY I can’t drink, and I’m wondering if others are similar. When I crave alcohol, I don’t crave a sip, a few drinks. I crave getting %^(&#%@! up! I know I don’t even desire a few drinks, I want to get drunk!
- The most important thing (see what I did there) is to have a plan that specifically addresses two parts of recovery. The first part that the plan should address is how you are going to change your life. Quitting drugs and alcohol is quite easy, staying quit is what’s difficult. It takes drastic changes. I’m not just talking about making beds and eating healthy (although these are great things and I need to start making my bed). I mean doing some deep soul searching, introspection, and developing habits that cultivate your best character. This, as it turns out, becomes a lifelong journey. To quit alcohol, you have to fill your life with other fulfilling experiences and learn to be your highest self, otherwise it’s just so tempting to go back to the padded lifestyle that alcohol supports. The second thing the plan should address is how you are going to deal with the alcoholic self which is still deep-rooted inside of you, waiting for the right moment to creep back up and try to take control. How are you going to handle cravings when they hit? Stuff like this.
I don’t mean to say all this and mean that in 84 days I’ve changed my life. No way. But I’m really happy to say that I’m aware of the things that I can and should change, and am working on those. I also am learning to accept the things I can’t change and embrace them.
I’m still on the journey…thank you forces of the universe!
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