Well I just wanted to give a little update.
I've been off the grid for a few weeks, and haven't been on SR very much. To say that I have been struggling is an understatement.
Today through Saturday my program is putting on a recruitment event, were we host a bunch of students and teach them the graduate school application process. These events are the hardest for me, because they were the "enjoyable" drinking times of past. They were the times were you would mingle with a bunch of nice and interesting new people, sip some beer and eat food. Thus for me I crave alcohol most when re-experiencing these sorts of events, especially for the first time.
Tonight I went to a small group dinner at a local restaurant. I happened to be paired up with a faculty member who is known for partying and heavy drinking. I have been in a couple situations since my sobriety date where i've declined a drink in front of people who have no idea of my situation, and there were no questions asked. However today I kept thinking to myself, "Maybe one of them will ask me why I didn't order a drink, push me a little, and then i'll give in." The battle ensues as my 'higher self' comes in and starts to stand up to my lower self, and remember WHY I can't drink, even just one. So i'm feeling good with things...
Anyway we go to dinner, and of course no one even notices I order only water (because only 2 out of 7 people got a beer anyhow), and all of a sudden I ask my friend what kind of beer she got!?!?! I'm like, "WTF? Did I just say that?" And she said "It's a macadamia nut beer, wanna try?", and hands it to me!
I took a sip.
Honestly, I think only other alcoholics can understand this, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour, going back and forth about what to do. Everyone else at the table continued on with their conversations, while I was exploding inside! "OMG, am I going to get drunk from that?" "If I have the 'allergy', am I going to run to the nearest bar and order a round of shots?"
I contemplated ordering a beer, but didn't. We finished dinner, I drove the students to their hotel and the faculty member to his car, and dropped off the van. I walk inside our building to drop the keys in the mailroom, and with no forethought started walking to a break room down the hall where I know a fridge full of beer is at. I put one beer in my backpack, and walk out to my car. It's 8:00 pm.
I drove home and felt oddly insensitive. I was thinking about the beer a little, and my thoughts were: "Let's just drink one beer, and test the hypothesis that just one is too many. Let's just sip it really slow. No let's just chug it and be done with it! Should I go get more? Will I go get more?"
Then I got home, and it hit me. What was really happening. I started thinking about all of the posts i've read on here on SR, all the people who have relapsed and are starting over. Or the ones who can't stop. I started thinking about all the people i've met in AA, all the stories i've heard. I thought, "What if THIS instant is the last time i'll ever be sober? What if I can't quit again?"
I melted. My heart sank, I started crying. It was past 7 pm, which is the latest that my sponsor wanted me to call him for check in, however I knew a circumstance like this was different. So I called him, and I am so thankful I did. We talked for 20 minutes, I poured out the beer, we prayed, I cried, a lot. And I didn't drink. I'm 65 days sober from alcohol today. I'm overwhelmed with everything, but I want to come back another day and explain what led me here and what I plan to do to continue my sobriety.
Thanks for the support everyone.
