Hi, i'm SolidKarma and i'm an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Hi, i'm SolidKarma and i'm an alcoholic.
Hello there,
You can call me Karma.
I’ve been lurking on these forums for a while now, and decided to register today. I wanted to introduce myself, and explain a little about my situation.
I’ve had a relationship with alcohol since my teenage years. I began drinking daily around my 21st birthday, mainly as a sleep aid. I never experienced any side effects from alcohol, until about 2-3 years ago. Since then I’ve tried to moderate my drinking, but fell short. Thus my “problem” with alcohol, or me becoming an alcoholic, has been developing over the past 2 years. About three months ago, I began noticing severe cognitive deficits associated with my drinking, and thus decided to seek help.
I began seeing a therapist weekly, and also joined an IOP (intensive outpatient program). I was 36 days sober, when my world darkened.
A couple months ago I got a call from my mother, crying, telling me that my father committed suicide, and within two days I relapsed. It’s weird because before his death, I was still questioning whether I was an alcoholic or not. I thought to myself, “I’ll stay sober for 3 months and then try to moderate my drinking, and figure out if I really am an alcoholic.” Well I answered that question. Not only did I go back to drinking daily, but as everyone else can attest, my habit immediately started back with an even greater force than ever before.
After spending some time with my family following my Dad’s funeral, I flew back to my current location in California to “start over” with my sobriety. However it wasn’t that easy. I immediately began attending IOP again, but it just didn’t cut it. I couldn’t get myself to break the habit. I tried detoxing myself, and would tapper down to 1-2 beers. Then maybe stop for a day or two, only to have my alcohol voice CONVINCE me that I just needed a little alcohol to get rid of the withdraw symptoms. Of course, a "little alcohol" turned into six packs of high content IPA's, bottles of vodka, etc. Anyway, this continued until I finally went to AA. Since I began attending meetings i’ve been sober for 36 days now (well today is day 36). I realize that I can never drink again, and this will be a lifelong process.
One of the issues i’m dealing with now is that after 35 days sober, i’m almost forgetting the negative effects from alcohol. I just don’t want to go 2-3 years sober, and think “Hey I can be normal”, and then never be able to stop again. There is a part of me that wants to go on a huge, long bender in order to PROVE to myself that I am an alcoholic, and to strengthen my desire to quit and the reasons for it. Obviously I want to avoid this, but how else can I get the mindset of “ROCK BOTTOM” without actually achieving such a point?
Anyway, i'm happy to begin my journey and hope to become a part of the SR community.
Best,
You can call me Karma.
I’ve been lurking on these forums for a while now, and decided to register today. I wanted to introduce myself, and explain a little about my situation.
I’ve had a relationship with alcohol since my teenage years. I began drinking daily around my 21st birthday, mainly as a sleep aid. I never experienced any side effects from alcohol, until about 2-3 years ago. Since then I’ve tried to moderate my drinking, but fell short. Thus my “problem” with alcohol, or me becoming an alcoholic, has been developing over the past 2 years. About three months ago, I began noticing severe cognitive deficits associated with my drinking, and thus decided to seek help.
I began seeing a therapist weekly, and also joined an IOP (intensive outpatient program). I was 36 days sober, when my world darkened.
A couple months ago I got a call from my mother, crying, telling me that my father committed suicide, and within two days I relapsed. It’s weird because before his death, I was still questioning whether I was an alcoholic or not. I thought to myself, “I’ll stay sober for 3 months and then try to moderate my drinking, and figure out if I really am an alcoholic.” Well I answered that question. Not only did I go back to drinking daily, but as everyone else can attest, my habit immediately started back with an even greater force than ever before.
After spending some time with my family following my Dad’s funeral, I flew back to my current location in California to “start over” with my sobriety. However it wasn’t that easy. I immediately began attending IOP again, but it just didn’t cut it. I couldn’t get myself to break the habit. I tried detoxing myself, and would tapper down to 1-2 beers. Then maybe stop for a day or two, only to have my alcohol voice CONVINCE me that I just needed a little alcohol to get rid of the withdraw symptoms. Of course, a "little alcohol" turned into six packs of high content IPA's, bottles of vodka, etc. Anyway, this continued until I finally went to AA. Since I began attending meetings i’ve been sober for 36 days now (well today is day 36). I realize that I can never drink again, and this will be a lifelong process.
One of the issues i’m dealing with now is that after 35 days sober, i’m almost forgetting the negative effects from alcohol. I just don’t want to go 2-3 years sober, and think “Hey I can be normal”, and then never be able to stop again. There is a part of me that wants to go on a huge, long bender in order to PROVE to myself that I am an alcoholic, and to strengthen my desire to quit and the reasons for it. Obviously I want to avoid this, but how else can I get the mindset of “ROCK BOTTOM” without actually achieving such a point?
Anyway, i'm happy to begin my journey and hope to become a part of the SR community.
Best,
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 8,645
Welcome, Karma! Congratulations on 35 days sober!
If you ever forget about the bad effects of alcohol, just read around these forums a bit --especially in the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section. But SoberRecovery has lots of good stuff too--stories of success, inspiration, and great information. Read around and post often!
If you ever forget about the bad effects of alcohol, just read around these forums a bit --especially in the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section. But SoberRecovery has lots of good stuff too--stories of success, inspiration, and great information. Read around and post often!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,161
I am so sorry for your loss.
Most of us have been there, don't do it.
You know when you "think" you can drink again, you are not thinking at all you are in denial. Stay honest and you can stay sober forever.
You know, we all do.
Most of us have been there, don't do it.
You know when you "think" you can drink again, you are not thinking at all you are in denial. Stay honest and you can stay sober forever.
You know, we all do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,225
sorry for your loss. having had to deal with a few suicides myself I know it stinks.
The proverbial bottom where is it? I dunno I think its different for everyone but For me my panic attacks did me in that alone scared the booze out of me.
At the same time where is bottom? I met a homeless man once who said to me he has not yet hit bottom. Said each day he wakes up the sun still shines and he still smiles it might look as if he has hit bottom but he said nope I'm happy as a clam I still have not found bottom yet.
I like the homeless guys Idea no matter how crappy life can be theres always something positive to smile about so where is the bottom?
I dont think there is one.
But There is that point you hit where it rattles your cage and you decide your gonna do something to change your ways and this is it this time and for some reason it just sticks. Sometimes people gotta keep trying till it sticks other times people get it on the first go.
I'd say keep doing what your doing keep making an effort to stay sober keep trying each day wake up try again those days just start to add up after a while.
and kudos to you for not smacken that "bottom" first before you decide to do something about it. I myself didnt have the sense to do that I needed my cage rattled.
Obviously I want to avoid this, but how else can I get the mindset of “ROCK BOTTOM” without actually achieving such a point?
At the same time where is bottom? I met a homeless man once who said to me he has not yet hit bottom. Said each day he wakes up the sun still shines and he still smiles it might look as if he has hit bottom but he said nope I'm happy as a clam I still have not found bottom yet.
I like the homeless guys Idea no matter how crappy life can be theres always something positive to smile about so where is the bottom?
I dont think there is one.
But There is that point you hit where it rattles your cage and you decide your gonna do something to change your ways and this is it this time and for some reason it just sticks. Sometimes people gotta keep trying till it sticks other times people get it on the first go.
I'd say keep doing what your doing keep making an effort to stay sober keep trying each day wake up try again those days just start to add up after a while.
and kudos to you for not smacken that "bottom" first before you decide to do something about it. I myself didnt have the sense to do that I needed my cage rattled.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome karma. Regarding a rock bottom, who's to say that if you went after that rock bottom and then afterwards started to feel better that you wouldn't want to try for another rock bottom? Death is some people's rock bottom. What you're hearing is your AV trying to convince you to drink again. Don't listen to it. The rational you knows that trying to find a rock bottom is a dumb idea.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,535
That little voice inside you wants you to drink. You already know you cannot moderate. With the effects of your recent drinking fresh in your memory, it's a bit easier to make the right decision. But as memory fades, it can (and often does) prove to be a less effective motivation. That's why it's good to have a plan that has more depth than one of simply not drinking.
I find it interesting that treatment is no longer resonating with you. AA seems to be helping, and that's good. It could be that a more spiritual approach is in order. Something tells me that the steps will provide the sort of depth which will help you longer term.
You are new to AA. Welcome. Come all the way in and sit all the way down. That's as low as your bottom needs to be.
I find it interesting that treatment is no longer resonating with you. AA seems to be helping, and that's good. It could be that a more spiritual approach is in order. Something tells me that the steps will provide the sort of depth which will help you longer term.
You are new to AA. Welcome. Come all the way in and sit all the way down. That's as low as your bottom needs to be.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,696
I'm really sdorry for your loss Karma, but I'm glad you found us.
Support really made all the difference for me - I went from barely able to string a few days together to permanent and lasting recovery
SR really helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
Support really made all the difference for me - I went from barely able to string a few days together to permanent and lasting recovery
SR really helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
Hi Karma,
There is evidence all over the place that some of us just should not drink ever but sometimes that terrible "alcoholic voice" in our heads tries to convince us otherwise. At these times I lean on the faith that things will get/stay better without a drink. Also, I can never forget the bad times of drinking but I am glad to go for days without thinking about them now (4+ years sober!). Coming here to SR is very helpful. Good luck on your journey, one step at a time, it gets better and easier.
Gaffo
There is evidence all over the place that some of us just should not drink ever but sometimes that terrible "alcoholic voice" in our heads tries to convince us otherwise. At these times I lean on the faith that things will get/stay better without a drink. Also, I can never forget the bad times of drinking but I am glad to go for days without thinking about them now (4+ years sober!). Coming here to SR is very helpful. Good luck on your journey, one step at a time, it gets better and easier.
Gaffo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Wow! Very touched by all of the positive responses, and honestly a little surprised. I want to thank you all for the support, kind words, and encouragement. I know this is an amazing community, and I am very grateful to have found SR. I look forward to being on the journey of sober living with all of you fine people.
One thing that I thought would be good, at least during the initial thinking about my recovery plan, and expressing it to others. Would stages of my recovery, is to post here often just to get in the habit of you all suggest keeping this thread for that purpose? Or is it better to start some journal or log elsewhere on the forums?
One thing that I thought would be good, at least during the initial thinking about my recovery plan, and expressing it to others. Would stages of my recovery, is to post here often just to get in the habit of you all suggest keeping this thread for that purpose? Or is it better to start some journal or log elsewhere on the forums?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Abroad
Posts: 1,865
I would suggest posting here, as often as you need. That's what I did when I came here, just a few days ago, and SR has already helped me through a very difficult time. Browse the forum and see if you can find other ways to express yourself, and try the chat if you are in need of someone to talk to right there and then. Stay here with us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,696
Originally Posted by SolidKarma 
Wow! Very touched by all of the positive responses, and honestly a little surprised. I want to thank you all for the support, kind words, and encouragement. I know this is an amazing community, and I am very grateful to have found SR. I look forward to being on the journey of sober living with all of you fine people.
One thing that I thought would be good, at least during the initial thinking about my recovery plan, and expressing it to others. Would stages of my recovery, is to post here often just to get in the habit of you all suggest keeping this thread for that purpose? Or is it better to start some journal or log elsewhere on the forums?
One thing that I thought would be good, at least during the initial thinking about my recovery plan, and expressing it to others. Would stages of my recovery, is to post here often just to get in the habit of you all suggest keeping this thread for that purpose? Or is it better to start some journal or log elsewhere on the forums?
If feedback's not that important, or privacy is, a blog might be better
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Springfield
Posts: 18
Hi SolidKarma,
Very sorry for your loss
My path to sobriety is very new too, so I understand how you feel. What I've slowly realized though over the past few months is that life is really good without alcohol. I play in a basketball league and just last night, we all went out for wings after basketball, 18 guys at the bar, buckets of beer all over the place, everyone having a great time, and there I sat drinking diet coke. The beauty is that I didn't have to worry about damage to my liver (been having liver problems from drinking so much), I literally smiled when I drove out the parking lot because I didn't have to worry about a cop pulling me over, when I got home there was no alcohol on my breath, so I didn't have to worry about my wife getting disgusted when I climbed into bed because I didn't smell like Jim Beam, didn't wake her up banging around the house and falling all over the place like I normally do, and this morning I feel GREAT! No bloating, no loose stools, no headache, no anxiety, I'm not dozing off in my chair at work - plus I saved at least $30 last night at the bar along with 1000 wasted calories on booze which has absolutely zero nutritional value!
I know all of this probably pales in comparison to that feeling you get when you hit that forth beer on an empty stomach and the world goes numb, dopamine blasting brain sensors like fireworks - I get it. But what folks on this forum seem to have discovered, something I'm just starting to realize for myself after years of heavy drinking, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion for the first time, is that just like a firework show, alcohol starts to lose its wonderment after awhile, the issues start to take their tole, and I'm finding that the peace of mind that comes with sobriety is worth its weight in gold.
Stay strong my friend!
Very sorry for your loss
My path to sobriety is very new too, so I understand how you feel. What I've slowly realized though over the past few months is that life is really good without alcohol. I play in a basketball league and just last night, we all went out for wings after basketball, 18 guys at the bar, buckets of beer all over the place, everyone having a great time, and there I sat drinking diet coke. The beauty is that I didn't have to worry about damage to my liver (been having liver problems from drinking so much), I literally smiled when I drove out the parking lot because I didn't have to worry about a cop pulling me over, when I got home there was no alcohol on my breath, so I didn't have to worry about my wife getting disgusted when I climbed into bed because I didn't smell like Jim Beam, didn't wake her up banging around the house and falling all over the place like I normally do, and this morning I feel GREAT! No bloating, no loose stools, no headache, no anxiety, I'm not dozing off in my chair at work - plus I saved at least $30 last night at the bar along with 1000 wasted calories on booze which has absolutely zero nutritional value!
I know all of this probably pales in comparison to that feeling you get when you hit that forth beer on an empty stomach and the world goes numb, dopamine blasting brain sensors like fireworks - I get it. But what folks on this forum seem to have discovered, something I'm just starting to realize for myself after years of heavy drinking, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion for the first time, is that just like a firework show, alcohol starts to lose its wonderment after awhile, the issues start to take their tole, and I'm finding that the peace of mind that comes with sobriety is worth its weight in gold.
Stay strong my friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by alcibiades
Hi SolidKarma,
Very sorry for your loss
My path to sobriety is very new too, so I understand how you feel. What I've slowly realized though over the past few months is that life is really good without alcohol. I play in a basketball league and just last night, we all went out for wings after basketball, 18 guys at the bar, buckets of beer all over the place, everyone having a great time, and there I sat drinking diet coke. The beauty is that I didn't have to worry about damage to my liver (been having liver problems from drinking so much), I literally smiled when I drove out the parking lot because I didn't have to worry about a cop pulling me over, when I got home there was no alcohol on my breath, so I didn't have to worry about my wife getting disgusted when I climbed into bed because I didn't smell like Jim Beam, didn't wake her up banging around the house and falling all over the place like I normally do, and this morning I feel GREAT! No bloating, no loose stools, no headache, no anxiety, I'm not dozing off in my chair at work - plus I saved at least $30 last night at the bar along with 1000 wasted calories on booze which has absolutely zero nutritional value!
I know all of this probably pales in comparison to that feeling you get when you hit that forth beer on an empty stomach and the world goes numb, dopamine blasting brain sensors like fireworks - I get it. But what folks on this forum seem to have discovered, something I'm just starting to realize for myself after years of heavy drinking, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion for the first time, is that just like a firework show, alcohol starts to lose its wonderment after awhile, the issues start to take their tole, and I'm finding that the peace of mind that comes with sobriety is worth its weight in gold.
Stay strong my friend!
Very sorry for your loss
My path to sobriety is very new too, so I understand how you feel. What I've slowly realized though over the past few months is that life is really good without alcohol. I play in a basketball league and just last night, we all went out for wings after basketball, 18 guys at the bar, buckets of beer all over the place, everyone having a great time, and there I sat drinking diet coke. The beauty is that I didn't have to worry about damage to my liver (been having liver problems from drinking so much), I literally smiled when I drove out the parking lot because I didn't have to worry about a cop pulling me over, when I got home there was no alcohol on my breath, so I didn't have to worry about my wife getting disgusted when I climbed into bed because I didn't smell like Jim Beam, didn't wake her up banging around the house and falling all over the place like I normally do, and this morning I feel GREAT! No bloating, no loose stools, no headache, no anxiety, I'm not dozing off in my chair at work - plus I saved at least $30 last night at the bar along with 1000 wasted calories on booze which has absolutely zero nutritional value!
I know all of this probably pales in comparison to that feeling you get when you hit that forth beer on an empty stomach and the world goes numb, dopamine blasting brain sensors like fireworks - I get it. But what folks on this forum seem to have discovered, something I'm just starting to realize for myself after years of heavy drinking, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion for the first time, is that just like a firework show, alcohol starts to lose its wonderment after awhile, the issues start to take their tole, and I'm finding that the peace of mind that comes with sobriety is worth its weight in gold.
Stay strong my friend!
Also just wanted to give a little update on my alcohol sobriety.
Today is day 52 without drinking. I feel pretty good about things. I'm continuing to work the steps (on 8 now) and going to meetings. I'm most excited to kick my pot habit and be 100% sober for good!
Peace, love, namaste
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
If there truly was a "bottom" that would force us to snap out of it, why would anyone drink themselves to death?
52 days is great!
52 days is great!
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