Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VIII: "When on Fire, Save what of Value"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hey Cow. Sounds like you're scared to find out what's underneath all those years of drinking. The not-knowing is the scariest part...I remember that feeling too. I'd forgotten who I really was. If I tried real hard, I could think back to when I was 18 years old and a non-drinker...but that person was still a teenager. That kid still hadn't even formed his own identity. Was I going to become THAT person again? Yeeps. I feared digging up my old self much like someone would fear digging up an old body in a graveyard. Terrified....
Sorry you're feeling rotten today. I am a bit drowsy this evening myself. I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with a nightmare, I was screaming in my sleep. When I yell or scream in my sleep it kind of sounds like a mummy having sex, if you can picture that. Bwah, buuuwwwaaahh, BUAWAWAWAH and then it cuts off quickly as I regain consciousness and the room is quiet. Anyway, when I bolted upright out of bed and was rubbing my eyes, I somehow imagined that I'd seen a bat flying around in my room. I wasn't sure if it was real or not, but the POSSIBILITY of there being a bat in the room spooked me so badly that I didn't dare move. So I layed there real quiet and wouldn't even peek up at the rafters...I was scared to get up and turn on the light. Almost 40 years old and scared of something that was so small it couldn't even hurt me. But yet I sat there for an hour, not moving, not even daring to peep out of the covers.
Turns out there wasn't a bat in my room at all. But my brain sure did a number on me there. Scared of something that was just a figment of my imagination all along....
Maybe there's not a bat in your room either, Cow? Maybe things are actually going to be just fine. You'll learn to live like a sober adult. Find new passions. Improve the quality of your life. We've just got to get the courage together to pull back the covers, turn on the lights and check the closet! Eh?
Sorry you're feeling rotten today. I am a bit drowsy this evening myself. I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with a nightmare, I was screaming in my sleep. When I yell or scream in my sleep it kind of sounds like a mummy having sex, if you can picture that. Bwah, buuuwwwaaahh, BUAWAWAWAH and then it cuts off quickly as I regain consciousness and the room is quiet. Anyway, when I bolted upright out of bed and was rubbing my eyes, I somehow imagined that I'd seen a bat flying around in my room. I wasn't sure if it was real or not, but the POSSIBILITY of there being a bat in the room spooked me so badly that I didn't dare move. So I layed there real quiet and wouldn't even peek up at the rafters...I was scared to get up and turn on the light. Almost 40 years old and scared of something that was so small it couldn't even hurt me. But yet I sat there for an hour, not moving, not even daring to peep out of the covers.
Turns out there wasn't a bat in my room at all. But my brain sure did a number on me there. Scared of something that was just a figment of my imagination all along....
Maybe there's not a bat in your room either, Cow? Maybe things are actually going to be just fine. You'll learn to live like a sober adult. Find new passions. Improve the quality of your life. We've just got to get the courage together to pull back the covers, turn on the lights and check the closet! Eh?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
SJ, overly cheerful peoples make me wish to punch them. I mean, Jesus, I can barely tolerates you guys!
BS, I really not afraid to be sober. I just too lame and/or incapable to do it. Although, hopeful I not be drinking again after last fail attempt. I had no identity when I go off rails either, so who know what lurk underneath. For sure is gonna be lot of bats in there, but I think they very cute. Like hamster with wings! Only thing I really scared of, is if I has to face lower lows, cuz, poll already lowered to my limbo threshold.
I having nightmare too lately. They mostly about my deep loneliness. Like last night, both my brother throw huge dinner parties but neither invite me. So I wandering around between the parties like lonely ghost. Then I decide I will try to sneak food so I can binge and throw up. Good times.
BS, I really not afraid to be sober. I just too lame and/or incapable to do it. Although, hopeful I not be drinking again after last fail attempt. I had no identity when I go off rails either, so who know what lurk underneath. For sure is gonna be lot of bats in there, but I think they very cute. Like hamster with wings! Only thing I really scared of, is if I has to face lower lows, cuz, poll already lowered to my limbo threshold.
I having nightmare too lately. They mostly about my deep loneliness. Like last night, both my brother throw huge dinner parties but neither invite me. So I wandering around between the parties like lonely ghost. Then I decide I will try to sneak food so I can binge and throw up. Good times.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by Cow 
SJ, overly cheerful peoples make me wish to punch them. I mean, Jesus, I can barely tolerates you guys!
"Do you believe that cynicism is simply common sense? Do sunny smiles make you want to snarl? Do you have the feeling you may answer with something unprintable the next time you hear "Have a nice day"? Then you'll be in the best of company with the whiplash wits and sardonic savants brought together in this collection."
The Portable Curmudgeon - Google Books
Misanthropes Unite! (Yeah, right.)
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by courage2
I'm flying tomorrow. The best part of this trip is going to be the airport and Jet Blue. I may have to bite someone's head off, but I won't drink to wash it down.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by trachemys
Time for a book recommendation:
"Do you believe that cynicism is simply common sense? Do sunny smiles make you want to snarl? Do you have the feeling you may answer with something unprintable the next time you hear "Have a nice day"? Then you'll be in the best of company with the whiplash wits and sardonic savants brought together in this collection."
The Portable Curmudgeon - Google Books
Misanthropes Unite! (Yeah, right.)
"Do you believe that cynicism is simply common sense? Do sunny smiles make you want to snarl? Do you have the feeling you may answer with something unprintable the next time you hear "Have a nice day"? Then you'll be in the best of company with the whiplash wits and sardonic savants brought together in this collection."
The Portable Curmudgeon - Google Books
Misanthropes Unite! (Yeah, right.)
Now I say it back and sometimes I say it first. Now I know why people say it. It's kind of fun to have a mini connection here and there.
That horoscope was very confusing. I totally would have taken Uranus over the Pisces version.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Originally Posted by walkbeformakrun
T5 is very pleasant as far as airport terminals go. I spend a lot of time there myself. Used to get hammered. Now I just eat.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by courage2
I wasn't being sarcastic that the best part will be the airport & Jet Blue. I like airports, & I like Jet Blue. I don't like where I'm going or what I'm doing there. I'm planning on getting my value out of blue corn chips.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Bimi/Trach, I never read those books. I check it out.
Gabon Mate interesting, bimi. He seem to support my experience that childhood trauma cause changes in neurological development and chemical processing that make addiction a true physical affliction of the brain. He controversial though. One of my friend just get back from Peru and did retreat using same mind opening tribal "medicines" Mate uses. It sound like powerful healing for ton of people, but with already brain damage, I be total too scared to does it. Some peoples become psychotic. One time, I try MDMA as psychiatric drug in order to just meditate and "shift perspective and release" childhood traumas, but all I feel whole time was absolute abject terror. Was one of most horrific night of my life! Is tempting though. Some come out of these retreat whole new person.
Gabon Mate interesting, bimi. He seem to support my experience that childhood trauma cause changes in neurological development and chemical processing that make addiction a true physical affliction of the brain. He controversial though. One of my friend just get back from Peru and did retreat using same mind opening tribal "medicines" Mate uses. It sound like powerful healing for ton of people, but with already brain damage, I be total too scared to does it. Some peoples become psychotic. One time, I try MDMA as psychiatric drug in order to just meditate and "shift perspective and release" childhood traumas, but all I feel whole time was absolute abject terror. Was one of most horrific night of my life! Is tempting though. Some come out of these retreat whole new person.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Cow
Gabon Mate interesting, bimi. He seem to support my experience that childhood trauma cause changes in neurological development and chemical processing that make addiction a true physical affliction of the brain. He controversial though.
Gabon Mate is worth watching...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, absolutely Gabor Mate is controversial. The families having to take a larger responsibility? Yeah. Most family members who inflict trauma on children would never admit they did any wrong. It's sort of counter to their psychosis/grandiosity/narcissism..
I just watched a Netflix documentary about that healing ritual that is done - "Ayahuasca: Vine of the Soul" - in the Amazon - but the documentary scared me to death. I did some psychoactive drugs in the past, and they scared me a lot. My little brain got no spiritual help from them. nononono
I didn't realize Mate was involved with that. I just read about your dream and thought - wow. Gabor Mate.
I just watched a Netflix documentary about that healing ritual that is done - "Ayahuasca: Vine of the Soul" - in the Amazon - but the documentary scared me to death. I did some psychoactive drugs in the past, and they scared me a lot. My little brain got no spiritual help from them. nononono
I didn't realize Mate was involved with that. I just read about your dream and thought - wow. Gabor Mate.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Cow
Bimi/Trach, I never read those books. I check it out.
Gabon Mate interesting, bimi. He seem to support my experience that childhood trauma cause changes in neurological development and chemical processing that make addiction a true physical affliction of the brain. He controversial though. One of my friend just get back from Peru and did retreat using same mind opening tribal "medicines" Mate uses. It sound like powerful healing for ton of people, but with already brain damage, I be total too scared to does it. Some peoples become psychotic. One time, I try MDMA as psychiatric drug in order to just meditate and "shift perspective and release" childhood traumas, but all I feel whole time was absolute abject terror. Was one of most horrific night of my life! Is tempting though. Some come out of these retreat whole new person.
Gabon Mate interesting, bimi. He seem to support my experience that childhood trauma cause changes in neurological development and chemical processing that make addiction a true physical affliction of the brain. He controversial though. One of my friend just get back from Peru and did retreat using same mind opening tribal "medicines" Mate uses. It sound like powerful healing for ton of people, but with already brain damage, I be total too scared to does it. Some peoples become psychotic. One time, I try MDMA as psychiatric drug in order to just meditate and "shift perspective and release" childhood traumas, but all I feel whole time was absolute abject terror. Was one of most horrific night of my life! Is tempting though. Some come out of these retreat whole new person.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Ayuhuasca. I have many friends who have done this. under strict supervision of trained shamans. Every single one of them came back entirely changed.
DMT - Peace and Loveism - Experience the Consciousness Shift
I watched a doc on that too Bimi. Probably the same one. I had a 3 day long kind of trip right around this time last year. Not that intense and not induced by taking outside drugs. Nice place to visit... It is not proven but suggested that our brains make the chemical itself.
I would think if a person wasn't in a reasonable state of mind to begin with it might do more harm than good.
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