Hey Cow. Sounds like you're scared to find out what's underneath all those years of drinking. The not-knowing is the scariest part...I remember that feeling too. I'd forgotten who I really was. If I tried real hard, I could think back to when I was 18 years old and a non-drinker...but that person was still a teenager. That kid still hadn't even formed his own identity. Was I going to become THAT person again? Yeeps. I feared digging up my old self much like someone would fear digging up an old body in a graveyard. Terrified....
Sorry you're feeling rotten today. I am a bit drowsy this evening myself. I woke up at 3am yesterday morning with a nightmare, I was screaming in my sleep. When I yell or scream in my sleep it kind of sounds like a mummy having sex, if you can picture that. Bwah, buuuwwwaaahh, BUAWAWAWAH and then it cuts off quickly as I regain consciousness and the room is quiet. Anyway, when I bolted upright out of bed and was rubbing my eyes, I somehow imagined that I'd seen a bat flying around in my room. I wasn't sure if it was real or not, but the POSSIBILITY of there being a bat in the room spooked me so badly that I didn't dare move. So I layed there real quiet and wouldn't even peek up at the rafters...I was scared to get up and turn on the light. Almost 40 years old and scared of something that was so small it couldn't even hurt me. But yet I sat there for an hour, not moving, not even daring to peep out of the covers.
Turns out there wasn't a bat in my room at all. But my brain sure did a number on me there. Scared of something that was just a figment of my imagination all along....
Maybe there's not a bat in your room either, Cow? Maybe things are actually going to be just fine. You'll learn to live like a sober adult. Find new passions. Improve the quality of your life. We've just got to get the courage together to pull back the covers, turn on the lights and check the closet! Eh?