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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VIII: "When on Fire, Save what of Value"



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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VIII: "When on Fire, Save what of Value"

Old 10-06-2014, 01:01 PM
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Although the day actually ended up in the crapper, I would just like to say, "Happy belated birthday, Cow!" Glad to see you back among us.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:06 PM
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I wanted to quit in April, and I did for 4 months. Deep depression came over me and I succumbed. Now I'm once again ambivalent about my alcoholism.

How much wine did you drink Cow?
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:09 PM
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I got nothing. I'm off to make coffee & serve cookies at an AA meeting. Little Miss hospitality, moi!
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:20 PM
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I get maybe 1 & 3/4 bottle down before.... moo muh buh blehhhhh!

But I feeling okay now.
What.
No. That not fear in my eyes! Uh uh. Nope. No fear here. No Sir. I not scaredy cow. No way. I not afraid. I mean, I maybe little afraid. Like tiny bit. Like, sliver of fear. Not even sliver, maybe splinter. …Hair! hair of fear. …Or thread, yes maybe just slender thread of concern, okay?
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:25 PM
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What I brought along with me: my sense of humor, my relationship with my family, my strength (I must have some, after all) my stubborn streak. What I got as a result of all of that was an amazing ability to see things for what they really are. No more smoke. All good.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:28 PM
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Well, I has speak of it many time, so, lady and gentlemens, may I introduces: The infamous, the rarely seen by human eye, the cruel and mocking, the brutal and punishing, the seductive yet nearly insurmountable… Hill of Death! [dun dun dun]

You know it really not look too bad in photo. But it go about 60 yard straight down and after torrential rains, the sides is so steep is nearly impossible to not slide into rocky ravine carved through middle. Is cause of 95% of my crashes, my scars, my bruises and plus also, it broke my super pricey sunglasses, pop two tire and bent up numerous foot pegs! It my White Wale, my motorbiking Moby Dick. But even as weak and sick as I am, I knew at some point on this trip, we would has to face each other once again. And so we did.

And then, I do something very, very difficult. Something I has never ever done before. I turn the hell around. I sure I not has to point out glaring obvious analogy of this story.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:38 PM
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You can be sure that I would have turned around but I am an infamous chicken; you can hear my clucking from miles away.

No, analogy is not lost.

Happy to see your new thread, Cow.
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:39 PM
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Interesting analogy Cow, I never figured out what drives us on to engage in all kind of risky behavior. Even with complete and total failure with alcohol my brain kept saying "It will be different this time, we'll stop before we crash and burn again, lets go for it!" It took over 3 decades and the pain had to outweigh the pleasure to such a great extent that the decision to throw in the towel kind of made itself.
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Old 10-06-2014, 04:08 PM
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I too am about to bow out of some risky business. I'm just plain tired of proving myself to myself to be a hard one.
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Old 10-06-2014, 04:17 PM
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Keep going Cow. I'm glad you got sick from it. That is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. My body changed to not be able to tolerate it after some clean time. It's really really over between me and the booze and it sounds like it might be the same for you.
I saw some HBO doc from 2008 about addictions. They found it takes a split second trigger to activate the pleasure center into screaming "DO IT". The part of our brain that has evolved to keep us from doing harmful things isn't as fast.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Old 10-06-2014, 06:03 PM
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Me too, Back2SQ1, 3+ decades of addiction. And now I only quit cuz my guts is rotting and infected and maybe even cancerous. Pain of drinking for me has long time already exceeds any pleasure I get from it. But still I tries to drink AGAIN! Is just pure manic brain compulsion. Crazy brain is unstoppable! I never never can has stimulant of any kind and I know this but keep testing, cuz, it NOT BOOZE, you know, and lot of alcoholics enjoys they caffeine. And I does too, cuz without I turn into zombie borg, is very very hard hard choice. Is untenable.

Bunny, I hope I also maybe tiring of "testing death." I always has been first one to ride crazy dirtbike trail, or tightrope balance over little tree fallen across raveen, or go over ice that not solid. Is half because I want to show off and prove I tough and brave, and half cuz I total detach from notions of death or life. I still upset that I not attempt Hill of Death today, even though I know would have been crazy.

Also today I talk to Maggie, my surrogate momma on hospice care. She very out of it, but she suddenly say, quite lucidly, "Am I really dying, or is this just a dream?" I could only say, "yes." She in the twilight, and I total understand cuz I in the twilight with her. Whether is because I drinking or ailing or crashing my way down Hill of Death, life not ever really real to me. I surreal unto my self.
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Old 10-06-2014, 08:08 PM
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Cow, pictures of extreme slopes never do the subject justice. Still, I have a question: Could you take a cue from moto trials instead of motocross and slowly zig-zag up and down that hill o' death instead of careening headlong?
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Old 10-06-2014, 09:05 PM
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Trach, is you ride? I been ride for 40 year. I very adept at trials type 1st gear zig-zag. But is not possible here. What you not can tell from picture is how deep crevice is in center. Is no way to slide or ditch into crevice and come up other side. You ditch, is dead stop. Crevice is 2-3 feet deep, and you not can get out, nor can you ride down it, cuz it also have very sharp drops that dead stop/flip you. My older brother, who was professional trials/motocross/street rider would no even try it. (He already has lot of plate in his legs, so I total not blame him.) He say he maybe come up and help me try to hack work around through forest next year, so that would be good.
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Old 10-07-2014, 01:59 AM
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Cow, I rode. I quit almost as many years ago as you've been riding. Too many glimpses of oblivion.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:16 AM
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Turtles live long time. I sure I has to quit someday. But it not this day! My pappa 78 and ride quad. Now that thing will snaps you leg right freaking off!

How old is everybody here? (If I may asks.) I just turn 49. That some crazy shhht.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:23 AM
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Thumbs up

57 years young

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Old 10-07-2014, 09:24 AM
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I think I'm 51.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:30 AM
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I'm 54.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:32 AM
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:34 AM
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G'morning Cow & Friends...

Cow, did I read you drank again? How about the coffee? I'm down to about 1 or 2 cups a day. I've been sipping on tea the rest of the day... cinnamon, earl grey & lavender, vanilla, rooibos. It doesn't compare to coffee But it's good. I hope it grows on me.
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