ESD907

hi cow.. I think...well I think... I'm a mom..most. and I let my children down. COW> how does a mom do that? HOW? But I think I made it up...But in my mind, never. THEY never saw the blip, but I DID. BIG BLIP.
HOW do you say, sorry to yourself? cow? how do YOU?

RobbyRobot

Your theory works for me. I think the timeline is somewhat different for us as individuals and by this I don't mean just you and I respectively. Being drunk for me and being not was very different. This really became clearer when I detoxed in rehab and living with others who were committed to quitting we all became mirrors for each other.

So I don't believe it necessarily takes any longer than being detoxed to honestly discover an alcoholic mentality. For me, its why I drank, so as not to be sane, I knew with alcohol I was being in fact insane. The differences between me being drunk (drinking) and me not were very distinct and obvious. I'm not really sure why people share it takes, (or took) them a long time to appreciate their own differences in thinking alcoholically compared to thinking with a sane mind.

silentrun

Eyes wide open! I think my alcoholic mind was made by the alcohol itself. It first goes after the parts of the brain where cognition is. I didn't understand how damaging it was. When I thought of consequences I thought of hangovers or wasted time. I didn't think that it had changed who I was as a person. I thought I must keep drinking because it was the only thing that made me feel good when it was the one thing that was destroying me.
Giving the brain time to reset has helped tremendously. Now when I think of drinking the logic doesn't hold up. There was a time it made perfect sense to me. I don't crave it any more. I don't struggle or think it might be worth it. I do worry that somewhere down the line I might convince myself that I have broken it's spell and can handle it.
I like what Dee says about you need to achieve escape velocity.

dwtbd

The first time I drank as a young person, I drank to black out and in the morning 'coming to' and realizing that time stopped and then started again, part of me had the response " holy crap that was awesome". And I think alot of drinking that came after that was chasing that particular dragon. The erosion of the' potential' of youth, the self sabotage being fed by drinking , turning the wheels of the cycle of drinking to escape, the consequences of drinking creating situations 'worthy' of escaping, over and over cementing the addiction.
Somewhere along way I lost the idea to stop , forgot (if I ever even knew) that I could stop , is I think why it seems like I didn't know , maybe I knew and just didn't really belive I could or evading the belief (implicit) let me continue .. ?
Thing is I Know now, I chose it all that time, now I don't have the excuses, I know I have to choose it again , I have to now choose to knowingly bring destruction back, I don't want to.

Soberpotamus

Maybe that is because the timeline is different for different people, Robby. Didn't you sober up when you were very young? Couldn't you imagine it might be a vastly different experience between getting sober at 25 vs. getting sober after 30 years of drinking? Just saying...

soberlicious

Exactly. You don't know yet.

As mom always says, "It has not been revealed to you yet."

I used to think I was completely broken. I cannot even type some of my behaviors here, as they would be removed. I honestly thought I was born that way, and just resigned myself to the fact that that was me. Even without the substances, I continued some self-destructive behaviors...but it became harder and harder to hurt myself and harder and harder to "accept my fate" as my clarity increased. I have learned to count on nothing and count on no one, but one thing I have learned to count on with complete certainty is that nothing remains constant in this life. I know that good can turn bad quickly, so I also have had to accept that bad can turn good just as quickly. The essence of me (and of each of us) cannot be defined in some static way.

I removed alcohol and benzos from my life almost 8 years ago. The clarity I have now compared to then is huge. Am I sane? Not really. Am I crazy...in that I continue behaviors repeatedly that put me in real danger or cause me to not be able to function daily? No, not any more.

Stop defining yourself and putting yourself in these mental health boxes. You just really don't know what you're capable of yet.

Gilmer

Crazy or sane(r), I know that I'm changing every day--and I like to think of it all as growth! At least it's not stagnation.

courage2

Thanks, soberlicious. That was a great post, & when I for one needed it.

Cow

Very bad mood today. Very bad. How is possible for person to feel so foul? Even as I amongst beautiful woods and creatures. The disparity mock me.

My shadow grows long in the west and I must return to the city. Which I would dread, if was possible to dread, when you already at dreaded bottom of dreadiness. May gods of random chance has mercy on me.

biminiblue

((Cow))

Music. Really loud music. Preferably classical - or Star Wars.

That's all I got today.

SoberLeigh

((((Sweet Cow))))).

alphaomega

I feel you. Literally. I'm Full of p1ss and vinegar as well, and trying like hell to contain it.

Blood Moon eclipse and Mercury Retro wreaking havoc.

DH asked old Suzie Sunshine this morning what the hell was wrong with me (as I cant have PMS anymore because I am a eunuch).

I almost threw him out of a moving vehicle.

Anger, vitriol, snark, venom. All of the above.

This too shall pass. Momma no likey.

http://www.cosmicintelligenceagency....-october-2014/

courage2

That's not really true for me. I was a maintenance drinker for decades. I had a period of out-of-control drinking & drugging young, and I (mostly) gave that up in order to hold on to my alcoholism -- in fact I avoided getting drunk as much as possible. I drank like taking medication, just to satisfy my alcoholism. I lived like that for years, a state of perpetual brownout, strung out, soothed but not relieved by gin. It wasn't very much fun, but I thought I didn't have a choice. At the end I needed a lot more to maintain my addiction, plus I started bingeing more frequently, of course. But my point is that since I was rarely drunk, the changes aren't that obvious on a day to day basis. My memory is much better. I'm not as fearful -- like of walking over street grates kind of fearful. I smile more.

Cow, I'm sorry you're having a lousy day. I really think you should look into rehab -- maybe your father will have to be asked for a loan, to be repaid on his demise.

biminiblue

LeeLee, the horoscope site you linked above? What the? That is the most negative horoscope site in the history of ever!

edit to say - or maybe only if you happen to be Gemini. Jeebus.

Cow

AO, horoscope site hilarious! (I assuming is not intentional.) I has to look after bimi say it "negative." Here is excerpt from Libra:
Universe has spoken! Everybody pucker up!

soberlicious

Nope. This Sagittarius is not getting anywhere near Uranus.

biminiblue

I think that horoscope site is like "The Onion" of horoscopes.

More like horrorscopes. Lawdy, Lee.

I must make some TJ's Pumpkin Bread Pudding to de-stress after that. Have you guys tried this? OMG, in the frozen section.

Sorry, Cow -

Soberpotamus

I have to mention this on Cow's thread. It just seems appropriate

This morning, my ears were accosted by the most obnoxiously cheerful person I've ever encountered. Thank god it was a webinar online and there is a mute button on my headset. I laughed a few times. It was almost unreal. I wish you all could have heard this woman!! Thankfully, she had a great sense of humor about it and even said she was REALLY like this, it wasn't an act. Wow. I have a hard time believing that. Anyway, she turned out to be a no-nonsense, not-gonna-take-s*#@ from anyone sort of person. She also seemed to really have it together. I'll give her that. But for the first thirty minutes of this meeting (which was a four hour meeting) I really thought I was in some sort of online training hell. Lol. I am going to be in training with this person for the next month!!

Cow, you might've laughed over this. Seriously. It was that funny.

biminiblue

Laughing hyena Prozac Lady?

I have a friend in another forum who works with her!

courage2

Bimini that new avatar is working for you -- mine is invisible again at least to me

I'm flying tomorrow. The best part of this trip is going to be the airport and Jet Blue. I may have to bite someone's head off, but I won't drink to wash it down.