Leshar, I don't know your history very well, just a little, but I will say this --
I went out, back to drinking, briefly (3 weeks), due to depression. This is what I posted the night I started back out --
OK Dee says I should be honest. I haven't made it. That no longer seems like the main thing. Sanity seems like the main thing. I really don't f***ing care if I'm drinking, if I could just find a value in life. That's the hard part for me. It's hilarious (if it weren't pathetic) how completely worthless I think I am, and everything else. Where does a person acquire value?
Wow, I do have to tell you all, while I have the sense to do it, that this is a very dark world. Don't go here. There's release from pain, yes, but there's nothing else but lies. I'm on the edge of things and maybe that lets me see.
I'm really sorry to disappoint you all who've been with me so long. This is not fun.
I'm so sorry and I don't want any of you to think that this is ok -- it's not.
2 days later, strung out, I wrote this:
After the first couple of drinks, oblivion opened up -- but I rapidly populated it with my self-hatred.
It wasn't over at that point, but I knew it had been a huge mistake. Because the depression I was in was immediately so monstrously exaggerated by the effect of the alcohol. All I remember now of that time is the feeling that a huge, black, hairy, sinkhole, gaping maw of horror had opened up and was sucking me in -- not empty, but an infinite deep of crap and **** and vomit and bile.
Have I been
clear?