Once More Unto The Breach
Sally1009
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
Hi Everyone,
I hope I'm not gate-crashing, but I have just been reading this extraordinarily moving thread, and felt moved to say how inspired I was by all the beautiful writing, the fire, and passion and everyday triumphs alcoholics such as us go through: the throwing away of a bottle suddenly discovered, for example, the renewal of vows to stop. So many acts of high integrity and courage, so often unseen by the outside world. This thread really shows the internal, and infernal world of the suffering alcoholic, and although my story is different, it only differs by ephemeral circumstances, not the inner journey, which we all have in common.
I hope you all made it through the holidays - I did, which is great, but I'm not being complacent. New Year is still to come, but I for one will stay out of wet places - no offence to anyone -I have the luxury of being able to, and I look forward to a quiet, hangoverless day on the 1st January.
I hope I'm not gate-crashing, but I have just been reading this extraordinarily moving thread, and felt moved to say how inspired I was by all the beautiful writing, the fire, and passion and everyday triumphs alcoholics such as us go through: the throwing away of a bottle suddenly discovered, for example, the renewal of vows to stop. So many acts of high integrity and courage, so often unseen by the outside world. This thread really shows the internal, and infernal world of the suffering alcoholic, and although my story is different, it only differs by ephemeral circumstances, not the inner journey, which we all have in common.
I hope you all made it through the holidays - I did, which is great, but I'm not being complacent. New Year is still to come, but I for one will stay out of wet places - no offence to anyone -I have the luxury of being able to, and I look forward to a quiet, hangoverless day on the 1st January.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
made a call today, an old friend who i'd heard had gotten sober a couple years ago. earlier, i'd woken up in rough shape - strange apartment, little memory, and a bit of a shake settling in as the vapors rose. a couple days ago, feeling at the end of my rope, i had a drink that became 2 drinks, then a bottle, half a dozen more rounds at an old haunt, and then any and everything i could get my hands on for the following 48 hours. this morning, fighting the urge to sneak a drink on the train ride home, i thought about aa, and i thought that now might be the time to really give it a try. my old friend met me midday and we found a meeting. this is a start, perhaps.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,464
I always figured as long as I kept trying the odds were good I'd make it.
Eventually of course, I realised I had to add stuff to whatever I'd been doing too
I really hope this time will be different for you NC - Happy 2012
D
Eventually of course, I realised I had to add stuff to whatever I'd been doing too
I really hope this time will be different for you NC - Happy 2012
D
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, have you thought about a rehab or structured outpatient type of treatment option. You need to stay off everything long enough to let your beautiful mind heal. If the PTSD keeps driving you to seek relief in drugs/alcohol then you must find a better way to deal with that. A therapist who specializes in PTSD that you can click with is something to consider. Whatever path you choose I hope you find peace and happiness in 2012.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by NobleCause 
i thought about aa, and i thought that now might be the time to really give it a try. my old friend met me midday and we found a meeting. this is a start, perhaps.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, here's something else to consider about the therapist thing. I have a neighbor who had bad PTSD for most of his adult life, he had been a sniper in the Vietnam war and had killed quite a few people and had a hard time comming to terms with that. He had been through the mill with Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Counslers/Therapists, all of it. It wasn't until he found one that had similar wartime experience that he could relate to that he was actually helped. He was able to get off all of his meds and his wife claims he is a completely changed man.
The moral to his story is that you may have to really shop around and interview many therapists until you find one that you click with. If there's no connection there and you feel they're really not helping you, move on, don't waste your time with something that's not working. Remember that many of these people have zero real life experience, the sum of their knowledge often comes from a text book/academia and that's not always enough. The same rule applies to alcohol treatment approaches, if it does not seem to be helping you or you just can't relate to it find something else. Just some thoughts NC.
The moral to his story is that you may have to really shop around and interview many therapists until you find one that you click with. If there's no connection there and you feel they're really not helping you, move on, don't waste your time with something that's not working. Remember that many of these people have zero real life experience, the sum of their knowledge often comes from a text book/academia and that's not always enough. The same rule applies to alcohol treatment approaches, if it does not seem to be helping you or you just can't relate to it find something else. Just some thoughts NC.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
spent the past two days violently ill on account of the volume & variety of my consumption over the two days prior to that. reality is elusive. coming slowly more alive now tho, and i'm doing my best to focus my energies forward and formulate a plan. rehab's an option, tho not anywhere near my first choice. i'm more inclined to give aa one more shot, maybe investigate treatment centers in a couple of months if i'm continuing to fail. as for therapists and psychiatrists, i've tried a bunch of them, each for years at a time, all experts in the realm of PTSD. it was painful and hard and never seemingly as helpful as a drink, but i also know that fighting crazy with crazy is killing me now. when my mind betrays me, as it does, i punish it, destroy myself into a zombie for days on end, zooming in and out of flashbacks as i weave in and out of blackouts. it's not sustainable, i know.
as for this night, my doors are locked and my house is dry. i will, at the very least, begin the new year sober. my best to all in 2012.
as for this night, my doors are locked and my house is dry. i will, at the very least, begin the new year sober. my best to all in 2012.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, when I was in that horrible place I only knew 3 states, drunk, high or lost. The missing piece of my puzzle was that I no longer had any semblance of normal, that was for the rest of the world but it wasn't part of my reality. I kept going back to the alcohol because numb was better than lost. The catch 22 though was the alcohol was keeping me trapped in that groundhog day.
Normal never went anywhere, I did, I just had to find my way back. You're an incredibly intelligent woman and you are not crazy by any stretch of the imagination. You just got stuck in a bad place with the PTSD and need to find your way out. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're feeling down but it's 10 times harder when you throw alcohol withdrawal into the mix.
Don't lead a fear based life, all the bad stuff is born out of that. You fight fear with optimism, anger with peace + happiness, sorrow with joy. The best way to fight the negative thoughts is with positive ones. Try reciting the words Peace, Love, Joy and Happiness, visualize them, feel them with every fiber of your being. Do anything you can think of to be kind to yourself. Hang in there and try to fill your mind with only good thoughts NC.
Normal never went anywhere, I did, I just had to find my way back. You're an incredibly intelligent woman and you are not crazy by any stretch of the imagination. You just got stuck in a bad place with the PTSD and need to find your way out. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're feeling down but it's 10 times harder when you throw alcohol withdrawal into the mix.
Don't lead a fear based life, all the bad stuff is born out of that. You fight fear with optimism, anger with peace + happiness, sorrow with joy. The best way to fight the negative thoughts is with positive ones. Try reciting the words Peace, Love, Joy and Happiness, visualize them, feel them with every fiber of your being. Do anything you can think of to be kind to yourself. Hang in there and try to fill your mind with only good thoughts NC.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 304
Hi NC
Your final declaration of it's not sustainable, as I remember, was where I gave up. I remember thinking that. I just can not go on like this. That was a changing point for me.
Crazy how your mind can start building you up very quickly from what's been tearing you down. That little moment drastically changed me. Happy New Year NC
Your final declaration of it's not sustainable, as I remember, was where I gave up. I remember thinking that. I just can not go on like this. That was a changing point for me.
Crazy how your mind can start building you up very quickly from what's been tearing you down. That little moment drastically changed me. Happy New Year NC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
roused from my office by the worst news this afternoon. the universe is not to be trusted. and now, packing for a funeral, replaying the details of the 911 report in my mind, i am so stunned, so far numb that alcohol seems silly. but this is what it's about, right? this is the real deal. you show up, being there, being present, soberly, not running from the pain, not running from the death. digesting the terms 'sudden', 'massive', and 'brain death' without falling apart, making arrangements, letting people cling, giving consent, remembering that it's not about you, forgiving yourself for not returning that call; taking care of the things that need taking care of. don't get me wrong, i want to drink right now, i really do, but i know with absolute certainty that if i did, that it would be dangerous, that there would be damage, that it would end badly. so instead, i'll sleepwalk thru the night, concentrate on the cold air in my lungs, and catch a flight at dawn to one of the saddest days of my life. stone cold sober.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
an addendum: it goes without saying that there is nothing so compelling in life as death. life is short. life is fragile. it is not to be missed, not to be taken for granted. staring at my hands for the last hour i came to a decision. i will go to treatment. i will deal everything that haunts me, and i will not miss another second of my life. i've got to work out some details still, but details are easy.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
If you believe you're flexible in accepting information you absolutely disagree with and open to taking directions to implement longterm plans with regularity that you don't at all want to do and doing things daily that repeatedly make you intensely uncomfortable but someone told you to do then you might be the 1 out of 30 in your rehab/treatment program group that stays sober.
Rehab sometimes gets the alcoholic's attention but no more often and is no more useful in getting sober than another night in jail or letting down another friend of doing yet another act that we will try our best to ignore going forward.
If you do the rehab thing then you'll have more in common with the sober AAs who have often gone to more than a few on their way to finding a solution. It's common to do everything else that comes to mind first before doing the 12 steps, so a rehab would be a milestone and indicate progress along the road that will hopefully lead you to longterm sobriety.
See if you can find any testimonials online regarding the quality of food served before signing in. That's a large variable among programs and something that makes a real difference in the treatment center experience. Mine actually cooked up and served the limit of trout I caught at a local lake, finding out later it was closed to all fishing. A quality recovery center willing to do that is hard to come by, but they are out there. Though I was drunk a few months later nothing could ever take away my time spent at the lovely ol' Victorian mansion in the care of people who well deserved their amazingly profitable reputation Statewide.
The next one was outpatient and not as much fun, and I drank occasionally right through that one.
A year after starting that one I went to coffee with a little gay guy who mentioned he was paying back a company monthly that he'd ripped off drinking, something about completing his amends step. Though I'd been on the fringe of AA occasionally for the previous 6 years, after meeting this guy I joined his group and as my sponsor he took me through the steps he'd worked with his sponsor. Everyone in the group has either died sober or is still sober almost 30 years later, not one of them has drank again.
I would like to point out the difference in results between those 30 people who together consistently used the 12 steps and what you'll experience with the 30 or so that will be in your rehab class.
The above is not to dissuade you from taking this important step along the road that will hopefully eventually lead you to an answer that works very well for the rest of your lifetime. No one could have shortcutted it for me with a few simple words either.
Enjoy the food.
Rehab sometimes gets the alcoholic's attention but no more often and is no more useful in getting sober than another night in jail or letting down another friend of doing yet another act that we will try our best to ignore going forward.
If you do the rehab thing then you'll have more in common with the sober AAs who have often gone to more than a few on their way to finding a solution. It's common to do everything else that comes to mind first before doing the 12 steps, so a rehab would be a milestone and indicate progress along the road that will hopefully lead you to longterm sobriety.
See if you can find any testimonials online regarding the quality of food served before signing in. That's a large variable among programs and something that makes a real difference in the treatment center experience. Mine actually cooked up and served the limit of trout I caught at a local lake, finding out later it was closed to all fishing. A quality recovery center willing to do that is hard to come by, but they are out there. Though I was drunk a few months later nothing could ever take away my time spent at the lovely ol' Victorian mansion in the care of people who well deserved their amazingly profitable reputation Statewide.
The next one was outpatient and not as much fun, and I drank occasionally right through that one.
A year after starting that one I went to coffee with a little gay guy who mentioned he was paying back a company monthly that he'd ripped off drinking, something about completing his amends step. Though I'd been on the fringe of AA occasionally for the previous 6 years, after meeting this guy I joined his group and as my sponsor he took me through the steps he'd worked with his sponsor. Everyone in the group has either died sober or is still sober almost 30 years later, not one of them has drank again.
I would like to point out the difference in results between those 30 people who together consistently used the 12 steps and what you'll experience with the 30 or so that will be in your rehab class.
The above is not to dissuade you from taking this important step along the road that will hopefully eventually lead you to an answer that works very well for the rest of your lifetime. No one could have shortcutted it for me with a few simple words either.
Enjoy the food.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 10
NC, I've been following this thread for weeks now but have finally felt compelled to post.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss - there is nothing like death to bring life into perspective and help you see just how fragile and short it is. My husband and I had a baby in 2010 that only lived 10 weeks, he had massive brain damage and we watched him die in our arms. It is still the single most painful experience I have ever been through.. and after not drinking for my entire pregnancy and his too-short life, I started back with a vengeance to numb the pain. I can tell you it did nothing to help, and everything to delay my healing .. which really began in earnest once I got sober.
I just want you to know you are not alone, or the only one who has tried to get sober while dealing with extreme grief and internal pain. It can be done. I think rehab is an excellent choice for your situation - some time to reflect, heal and be in a protected environment where you can totally dry out.
I know you can do this NC.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss - there is nothing like death to bring life into perspective and help you see just how fragile and short it is. My husband and I had a baby in 2010 that only lived 10 weeks, he had massive brain damage and we watched him die in our arms. It is still the single most painful experience I have ever been through.. and after not drinking for my entire pregnancy and his too-short life, I started back with a vengeance to numb the pain. I can tell you it did nothing to help, and everything to delay my healing .. which really began in earnest once I got sober.
I just want you to know you are not alone, or the only one who has tried to get sober while dealing with extreme grief and internal pain. It can be done. I think rehab is an excellent choice for your situation - some time to reflect, heal and be in a protected environment where you can totally dry out.
I know you can do this NC.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
to clarify, this wouldn't my first time in inpatient rehab. if i follow thru, it will be my third. both times prior were over a decade ago, and the end result of interventions - one legal, one familial. i am aware of how easy it is go thru the paces, nod and smile, take comfort in the amenities, and walk out 30 days later with little more gained than rest, nutrition and some new drug buddies. the first time, i made it two weeks before picking up, and the second time about a month and a half. i've also done 2 court mandated outpatient treatment programs in the past few years, time i rendered completely useless by drinking every night, and lying about it every day. this sort of approach historically not worked for me, because historically i was looking to get over, to protect my habit above all else. the difference now is that i'm ready to let it go, and i'm ready to do whatever that entails.
i've remained sober for the past few days, focused on the tasks at hand, tying up the ends left loose by sudden death. there is enough destruction in the world without my drunken rage, i figure.
@ForReal - i am sorry for your loss. i went thru something very similar years ago. it was horrific.
i've remained sober for the past few days, focused on the tasks at hand, tying up the ends left loose by sudden death. there is enough destruction in the world without my drunken rage, i figure.
@ForReal - i am sorry for your loss. i went thru something very similar years ago. it was horrific.
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