spent the past two days violently ill on account of the volume & variety of my consumption over the two days prior to that. reality is elusive. coming slowly more alive now tho, and i'm doing my best to focus my energies forward and formulate a plan. rehab's an option, tho not anywhere near my first choice. i'm more inclined to give aa one more shot, maybe investigate treatment centers in a couple of months if i'm continuing to fail. as for therapists and psychiatrists, i've tried a bunch of them, each for years at a time, all experts in the realm of PTSD. it was painful and hard and never seemingly as helpful as a drink, but i also know that fighting crazy with crazy is killing me now. when my mind betrays me, as it does, i punish it, destroy myself into a zombie for days on end, zooming in and out of flashbacks as i weave in and out of blackouts. it's not sustainable, i know.
as for this night, my doors are locked and my house is dry. i will, at the very least, begin the new year sober. my best to all in 2012.