NC, I've been following this thread for weeks now but have finally felt compelled to post.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss - there is nothing like death to bring life into perspective and help you see just how fragile and short it is. My husband and I had a baby in 2010 that only lived 10 weeks, he had massive brain damage and we watched him die in our arms. It is still the single most painful experience I have ever been through.. and after not drinking for my entire pregnancy and his too-short life, I started back with a vengeance to numb the pain. I can tell you it did nothing to help, and everything to delay my healing .. which really began in earnest once I got sober.
I just want you to know you are not alone, or the only one who has tried to get sober while dealing with extreme grief and internal pain. It can be done. I think rehab is an excellent choice for your situation - some time to reflect, heal and be in a protected environment where you can totally dry out.
I know you can do this NC.