ODAT63

I was married 17 years to a guy that did almost the same. You are lucky that you are getting out of this early!
We are not victims or martirs...we volunteered.

hades

Just like they tell him while he is in recovery, you need to take it one day at a time, too. So, just for TODAY, take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Work through each emotion and it's okay to feel all of the things you're feeling. It is normal. It's going to suck for a while and hurt. It helps to talk to people on this site, vent and what helped me get out of that dark place is prayer. I went to meetings and I saw a therapist, but nothing healed my broken heart more than my relationship with God. What worked for ME, is prayer and fellowship. I found joy again and peace.

The first time he let me down was the hardest. I didn't find out he was messing with meth until he was arrested. In my car! He served a year in jail. Not only did I have to deal with the mess he left behind financially, but emotionally, I had no closure. I was left with a big question mark - why did he do this to me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he care? I cried so much, the area around my eyes was tender and had cuts and tears. I couldn't eat, sleep, go to work. I couldn't function. I was so lost without him. I missed him, hated him, wanted to save him. WHAT A HUGE RED FLAG. I can tell you that he let me down about 1000 times since and became open and "honest" with his addiction: "I don't want to have to lie to you, so when I walk into the ER, can you please just wait in the car or go to another area? I need to get my pain pills, okay? Don't mess this up. I don't want you talking to the Doctor." Once I accepted the fact that he was going to let me down and do all of the things an addict does, I was able to heal my own heart. I love him for who he is, where he is. And I have to remind myself that it's HIS struggle, not my own. Girl, you have no ties to him, let him go! Let him fall, let him hit rock bottom. Let him figure it out, let him check himself into detox and rehab and worry about money. Let him lose his job, his car, his family, friends, home/apt. Let him live his life the way he chooses. You don't need to take care of a man ... that is just the beginning of what should be and shouldn't be.

Also, the more I tried to help him, the meaner he was to me. The more demanding he became. The more abusive. The more resentful. He resented me for loving him and trying to help him. The more he lost respect for me. SICKNESS.

Remember addiction is selfish. It isn't personal. It's not about you. It's about him.

My X broke up with me when he wanted to use. He picked fights, turned situations around, was manipulative, used gas-lighting behaviors, ignored me (turned off his phone, disappeared), was emotionally abusive AND deprived me, emotionally. I became used to this type of relationship. ALL because he wanted to use drugs without me getting in the way or trying to talk him out of it. It's shameful, too. When he wanted to be clean and sober and needed to kick, he loved me so much and I was the best thing for him. I don't believe that "he didn't love me." He did. He still does. But his idea of love, especially in active addiction is distorted. Love couldn't save him. Love wasn't enough. To love another, you need to love yourself. Does he love himself?

There are SOO many things I miss about my X and it's okay to feel a sadness and heaviness in your heart. You're grieving. There are wonderful qualities about my X that I haven't been able to find in others (I know people will disagree, but he was so original and unique and GORGEOUS) ... however, the bad completely outweigh the good. Who cares if he is well read and educated and went to bible college if he doesn't use it? Who cares if he can write music and play the guitar when he'd much rather get high all day and sleep? Who cares if he is good-looking? He shoots heroin!!! I had to re-evaluate our relationship every day when I would start to feel that codependency. Visit the thread: What I don't miss. That would get me through the hard days. I DO NOT miss addiction. I DO NOT miss having to tell my friends and family that my boyfriend is in jail or prison or in rehab while I am in college! I DO NOT miss hearing about his daily struggles and being there for him and never having the opportunity to have him be there for me. He won't. You will be alone and feel alone.

Another thing, be careful who you share what with. We broke up and got back together plenty of times. Every time I would cry to my friends and family members, they grew to despise him. After a while, his own Mother told me to leave for good.

Exercise, take a class, read a book, find a hobby, go to church/bible study, volunteer ... there are so many things you can do to get your mind off of him for TODAY.

DO NOT drown your sorrows in alcohol or partying with your girls. DO NOT start sleeping around. DO NOT look for someone, anyone to fulfill you or ease the pain. You are precious and your body is a temple. Take some time and heal your broken heart and do some soul-searching.

STOP the mindset: After everything I did for him! Give freely and without expectations or don't give at all. Set boundaries for yourself. He will break all of the rules, boundaries and promises. He will do what is wrong, morally, ethically ... so don't be surprised. He will do ANYTHING for heroin. TRUST.

Count your blessings and thank God for everything He has given you AND everything He has saved you from.

Pock89

After reading every sticky note here, I've realized something...I think I'm going through withdrawal from him. I'm slowly realizing that I have an addiction too. I have an addiction to him, and to the "high" I get when he's around. I'm used to the chaos that comes along with him being in my life, and without the chaos (I know this sounds sick), but I feel like something is missing. Just like an addict, I know that seeking out my drug (him), my life will eventually become unmanageable, I know there will be consequences but...I somehow don't care. Somehow, the thought of him makes me throw all sensible thoughts right out the window...just like an addict thinks of their drug. I am sick, and I need recovery too.

I have moments during the day that I feel okay, and stable and feel as if things will be okay for me. But then I have these moments where I feel like I NEED to reach out to him, I NEED to call him, I NEED to talk to him. I think this is probably similar to the feeling an addict gets when they want to get high.

At this moment, I feel like I'm really twisted. If I were to read the words that I'm typing right now a couple of years ago, I would think that the person behind the computer screen writing this was a complete maniac. But the maniac is ME!

I have been going out almost every night with friends, talking to random people, trying not to feel lonely, almost trying to replace him. But now, I don't want to do that. I want to focus on ME. I want to feel like I'm enough for ME. I don't need someone to make me feel like I'm not alone. If I try to replace the hole in my heart right now, I will just set myself up for failure.

I'm hurting, and I need serious healing time. And I want to take that time to be alone, and to feel calm and safe. To be honest, in this moment, I still want to reach out to him. I still am hoping that HE reaches out. But I'm hoping and praying this feeling passes and I can continue working towards my own recovery. I have thoughts of "well maybe when he gets out of the sober house, he'll come back and we can work things out". But I am trying SO hard to push these thoughts out of my head. I don't want the chaos again, whether he's clean or not...I don't want to worry where he is, what he's doing, if tomorrow will be the day that he relapses. That's no way to live. While right now, I can very honestly and humbly say that I still want to be with him, I know it's not what I'm supposed to do. I know it's not what is healthy for me. So I will not do it. I'll have to fight my cravings, just like an addict fights theirs. I will get stronger, and I will heal.

lesliej

One Day at a Time...

we don't have to do this alone...in fact it is too hard to do alone, and why would we wanto to anyway? find support where ever you can...meetings, (get yourself a sponsor! so awesome) therapy, friends, family...SR

if I add up my posts and the time that I have spent here I can estimate that I have probably spent around 300 hours processing on SR!! I needed to do this, I needed 24 hour access to community and processing. I needed perspective and truths and stories to relate to...

as codependents we go through a lot...despair, drama, pain, anguish, frustration, withdrawal, confusion, anger, hate, love, enmeshment, etc etc etc. it's really crazy making...no, I mean it...it is truly crazy making!

the good news is that there is healing, growth, and peace and compassion and love...in recovery. I am grateful for all that I have learned. I think there were some deeply seated parts of my psyche that I discovered and strengthened and healed. I guess if I could choose I would like to think that I didn't HAVE to go through all that I have gone through... that I could have done "less growing through pain" ha ha

I don't know. life is a mystery. the future is always spotless.

what I know now is that I love myself enough to no longer subject myself to the pain of being involved romantically with someone who can't stop relapsing/using
I am sorry for him, and I hope he can find his way

but I have subjected myself to the horrible jerkiness of romantic trauma long enough
I don't want to be depressed or angry or bitter or suspicious or belittled or blamed or lied to or manipulated or waiting for the other shoe to drop

I just finally got tired of it all and laid down my weapons and surrendered, and there I discovered freedom
I realized that I would rather be alone and peaceful than hold onto someone I loved who caused me so much precious time and energy...so so so much.

the risk? the cost? the benefit? the exchange? the trade-offs? the pay-offs? don't mean to sound cold, because people used to ask me these sorts of phrase/questions and I couldn't understand it. now I do.

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

LoveMeNow

:ghug3 Yay!! Finally a post about YOU!!

I could have written this same post! Let's stay strong together! We deseve better and we know it!!!!!!!!!!

ODAT63

This is ME, I could not say it better, Thank you.

Pock89

So I've still been struggling getting used to life without him, and it's hard.
I can't help but think and hope that when he gets out of the sober house, we can work things out.
Am I in denial about the whole situation???

outtolunch

All things considered, continuing to fixate on a hopeful fantasy of a future together is irrational.

LoveMeNow

If you working on getting YOU healthy..... you would be able to answer your own question!! Better yet, you wouldn't even be asking it.

I say this with kindness! I am as frustrated with myself as well so please don't take it personally!! But c'mon, its so obvious what our reality is... and we sit, cry and whine.

Here is a FACT for you..........We aren't on their minds at all. They aren't obsessing about how we feel, if we are hurting, who is making sure we eat, or are we OK! This is NOT love, it is total sickness.

Ask any recovery addict here, if your "love" is actually helping him??? Time and time again, they tell us to let go and yet for our own selfish reasons, we refused to do so!

lesliej

I do believe that I can pretty much objectively say that you will not be able to "work things out" as in working them out to be the way they used to be.

One great reminder of recovery is this...to be present and live in the moment!

For me? I realized that if I want to have any sort of relationship with my ex...in any form whatsoever (re: we have many common friends in our life and share rooms of recovery as well) as in civil, caring and compassionate I have to accept EXACTLY where he is at...

all of the promises that we used to make, that he used to charm and woo and romance me with (yowzaa...gorgeous!!!) just aren't really truly possible! They were a dream of a possibility, for the future, and they can not take place in the reality of "dating an active/relapsing/very newly clean addict.

many of the ways that I fell in love had to do with my own deep want and desire for partnership and planning and living together in joy and harmony...
but you would be VERY hard pressed to find anyone still struggling with addiction who can sustain any sort of possibility of those promises. you can call this lying and manipulation...or you can call it believing in a fantasy (two sides of the same coin)

you have to really carefully discern your perspective and clarify what it is YOU want, need, desire, hope for...and then determine what he is really capable of sustaining!!!!!!

I realized that when I step way way way back from the gorgeous intelligent loving man that made the most beautiful promises to me...that he is struggling really hard. without me he is living in a rented room with one bed, roofing out in the cold instead of attaining his masters degree in psyche counseling, he keeps "slipping" and using his resources on his DOC, can't maintain a relationship with his kids (16 & 13) and moves from one sober house to the next...one pick up job to the next...

anyway, looking at the REALITY instead of the dream...

that is one way to "work things out" really look at the REALITY of what you are "signing up for"

many of us would rather continue in denial and delusion rather than face heartache

sometimes our "staying with the person we have discovered love with" is sacrificing the long term whole life benefits for the short term dose of love. seriously, love is super powerful...and sometimes the source is unreliable, tainted, unsustainable and crazy-making. but "cutting ourselves off" from the source is something we don't want to face.

there are always possibilities...and then there are probabilities.
keep getting help on discerning your perspective
keep reaching out for help determining your reality
in the end it is always your choice, your life
choose with care and love for yourself!

hades

Yes.

It IS hard, it IS going to hurt and your heart IS going to ache. You're going to feel lonely and sad and confused. I was SO sad. For a long time. I wasn't myself. Just thinking about how sad I was makes me feel sad for that girl. I had to work through that sadness.

I changed my mindset. I became excited at the opportunity for a new me, a new him, a new chapter in my life. Whoo hoo! I was free. I'll tell you what, I became a better me. He is the same! I don't mean to sound harsh, but nothing substantial has changed.

I got back in school full-time. That is what I did for myself. I did all of the things I always wanted to do. Sometimes I dragged my feet and I only wanted to lay in bed and cry, but I am SO grateful I had others to encourage me to keep going. It DOES get better. You DO think clearer. Time itself doesn't heal. You have to work on healing during that time.

I cut off contact for a couple of months. I blocked everything associated with him. Mean? Maybe. It was what was necessary for me to get out of that sad place. We eventually got in touch again and even Mr. Junkie was so proud of my accomplishments. He cried.

I still miss him, but it no longer breaks my heart. Make sense? When I miss him, I call him and then I remember why we broke up. Same song on repeat.

We always hope. But don't let that hope keep you from living your life as it is NOW. You might be waiting years for this change to occur.

My therapist told me the most loving thing I could do for him is to let go:

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

Sober living homes, in my opinion, are like a fraternity house to those who aren't working a program-a big party. My AXBF got into a LOT of trouble living there. I followed him through several. I always hoped. I was always disappointed. He didn't follow the rules, he used drugs, he got kicked out, he met people worse off than him and befriended them. Some were co-ed and yes, you can imagine what kind of things went on. Some were very strict and structured. Some were like a slumber party. I WISH I would have let him work through ALL of that BEFORE I decided to be in a committed relationship. I WISH I didn't see what I experienced.

I know this is cliche, but if you really love the guy, let him work on himself. Give him that chance, that opportunity, that space. He needs to sort things out for himself. He is struggling with addiction!

Another thing, once my AXBF went into a 90 day Christian treatment program and broke up with me in a letter. He said he needed to be alone, I was bringing him down (imagine that) and he needed to focus on his relationship with God. At the time, it was nuts. Now, I can appreciate where it was coming from. He was so desperate to live a clean and sober life. I was a DISTRACTION to his recovery.

My point in all of this rambling is that like you, I thought this sober living home was going to be it-the be all end all. Once he got through that, it would be okay. This is a lifelong process for him.

Let him figure things out. Maybe in a couple of months or a year, get in touch and see where each of you are in your life. What I am trying to shield you from is the ugliness of addiction. I was strung along for years. It was unnecessary.

Now, how is Pock89 going to take care her of her precious self? That is your focus now. What makes you laugh and smile? What soothes your soul? Try P90x and I promise you won't be thinking about him! I focused my energy and time into exercise and I juiced for 3 months. Talk about a confidence boost! I am in school full-time for Nursing, although I now want to be a PA, I took a cake decorating class, I am also studying Ministry. These things make me happy. Once I became involved in other areas, I met new people, learned new things.

AXBF and I broke up and got back together many, many times and sometimes it was good, most of the time it wasn't. He always relapsed. He was always "starting over." Is that how you want to live your life? Don't get stuck in the fantasy. The illusion is a scary place to be ...

Vale

"Always starting over"

hades...if THAT didn't hit a nerve!!!!!!!!!!

All this stuff they are going to do IN THE FUTURE.
Spouting all that CRAP...."a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Starting ANYTHING is EASY. It's finishing that counts.
There is nothing worse than listening to a 50-yr old woman who nuked
her family,home,and future telling me she is "going to get her sh*t together"

(But not today).I did EVERYTHING I could for her........but this waiting for
the starting gun of life..........LADY! It went off 32 yrs ago when you turned 18!!!
The competition of life didn't stop when you got addicted----it continues in full
force.That babe that moved in on your -ex understands that....she snapped up a
good thing when you got into this addictive mess.Now SHE is living in YOUR house
(that YOU are restrained by court order from going near).Soon she will have his medical,
retirement,love of his kids,and HER NEW HOME.All you'll have is your southie
addict 'lifestyle' (should be called deathstyle----'cuz it's NOT LIFE)

Sorry,had to vent...2+ years of this codie crap------I've had enough.I hope my
SR pals (who have so artfully helped me see the truth) understand when someone just has to vent.

(can't text it to her....no contact since 12/21/2011...only smart thing I've done in this whole mess!)

stickywater

i just want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread. and thank you again, pock, for sharing all of this. it has helped me tremendously

loveforhorses

Pock89, I met my boyfriend when he had 9 months clean from IV heroin. He was in a 30 day rehab after jail, then went to a halfway house for 4 months and now is in a sober living environment. There is no staff where he lives now it is all peer run. They have certain requirements that they have to do in order to stay there. He has been there for about 7 1/2 months and has about 22 months clean. He can talk to me anytime he wants, he comes and goes as he pleases except he has to be in by 11 pm I think. He is allowed to spend 3 nights out a week but not in a row, and I can stay overnight there if I want up to 3 nights a week. Some guys in the house have cars some don't, some have cells some don't but it's up to them to get them and pay for them. They all pay rent, have household chores, have to attend a certain number of meetings a week, etc. I think it is really helpful for those who really want to be in recovery and who are willing to do the work. Those that don't end up relapsing and then have to leave the house. I found it hard when he was in a halfway house and I couldn't talk to him when I wanted for as log as I wanted or see he when I wanted for as long as I wanted. However I adjustde to it. Sometimes it is harder now because I am ready for more and want more and thought I would see and talk to him more and I don't always get to due to whatever is going on at the house or whatever. I believe that this has been a good thing for him and has enhanced the tools he has learned and it is a safe environment for him. It's not always easy but it can be done. I am sorry you are going through this. For me I have never known him in active addiction but I do know him as a recovering addict. He has to be willing to do the work and want recovery more then he has ever wanted anything.

Good luck to you and you can contact me if you want to talk

loveforhorses

Pock I am so sorry. I posted the last response before reading the whole thread. I want to say I have felt some of the things you were feeling while you were with your ex. I worry about him, but ironically I rarely worry about his relapse. Once in a while that crosses my mind but not often. I am sorry that things worked out the way they did, but honestly how cruel and heartless he was to you speaks volumes about him and his character. You are probably better off without him if that is who he is. All break ups where feelings are involved are hard, but you will survive, you will pick up your pieces and you will be better than ok. You have to, you are all you have. It is up to you to write on your wall of destiny and to give yourself all you deserve. You can and should be your best friend. Take care of you and again if you need to talk you can contact me.

Pock89

An update on what's been going on...
My ex sent me a text last night saying the he made a mistake, and wants to work on things. And I didn't take him back! Somehow I've managed to gain enough strength to be okay with being without him. I know he needs much more time to deal with himself and I need to deal with myself as well. I wake up in the morning and feel calm, and at peace...without him. I don't want to change that. Of course I still love him, and I still want to be with him but now is just not the time for that. And I'm okay with that.
So today...I feel proud. I think this was a big step in the right direction for me.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, day and night, day after day, hour after hour. It is because of all of you that I have found this strength and inner peace. And I'm not letting it go for anything or anyone!

ladybug34

I'm so lost for words........im not on here very much..I've been having a few problems at the moment..I see myself in you...I've Nver done pills or no heavy drug...my boyfriend of almost 20 yrs is a drug addict..he's been clean off and on for 19 and some yrs....to me at the moment i don't believe in them getting clean..I know deep down it can happen..but I'm going the it once again and i have 18 yr old boy and 11 yrs old girl...its pure out hell...and yes he did shot up at times ....when they are looking,needing the drug whatever it may be.....they will do whatever they have to...I'm so hurt and broken....i dnt have anytging left inside me....please be careful,and always listen to your gut feeling ....I'm still with him, and at the moment i dnt knw why.....

stickywater

pock i am so happy for you and your new found serenity!

Dcakes

my ex bf had a heroin problem, smoked it. His mom found out, and sat by him for days until he went cold turkey and detoxed. that was months before i met him, and then 6 months into the relationship i found him snorting roxies in teh bathroom. he told me that it was for pain, but when he would stop he d be in more pain than he would be without them totally. he was dependant. he did go into out patient methadone treatment, and his personality changed like day and night within a few months. We dated for 2 years, and i left him 3 months ago. i just didnt see him anymore as a husband/father type, and since he had only been out of his 8 month outpaitent for a few months, he didnt want anything to do with marriage or kids like ive been wanting for years- so i left.

I guess my advice for you is to really sit down and think about exactly what you really KNOW YOU WANT in life. Then add him to the equation- Can or will he give you these thigns? If not, then thats an answer. it looks like you want to stand by him, which is SO hard but doable.

my bf was supposedly clean for months and months when i left him, i still constantly worry about him. i guess thats the part of loving somebody but you dont have to deal with this in your life if you dont want to.

Also i learned that addicts need to get help for themselves, otherwise it may not work.

EnglishGarden

Thank God for turning the corner, Pock. I'm happy for your turn in a new direction and love for yourself.

I also want to send a hug to ladybug34.