After reading every sticky note here, I've realized something...I think I'm going through withdrawal from him. I'm slowly realizing that I have an addiction too. I have an addiction to him, and to the "high" I get when he's around. I'm used to the chaos that comes along with him being in my life, and without the chaos (I know this sounds sick), but I feel like something is missing. Just like an addict, I know that seeking out my drug (him), my life will eventually become unmanageable, I know there will be consequences but...I somehow don't care. Somehow, the thought of him makes me throw all sensible thoughts right out the window...just like an addict thinks of their drug. I am sick, and I need recovery too.
I have moments during the day that I feel okay, and stable and feel as if things will be okay for me. But then I have these moments where I feel like I NEED to reach out to him, I NEED to call him, I NEED to talk to him. I think this is probably similar to the feeling an addict gets when they want to get high.
At this moment, I feel like I'm really twisted. If I were to read the words that I'm typing right now a couple of years ago, I would think that the person behind the computer screen writing this was a complete maniac. But the maniac is ME!
I have been going out almost every night with friends, talking to random people, trying not to feel lonely, almost trying to replace him. But now, I don't want to do that. I want to focus on ME. I want to feel like I'm enough for ME. I don't need someone to make me feel like I'm not alone. If I try to replace the hole in my heart right now, I will just set myself up for failure.
I'm hurting, and I need serious healing time. And I want to take that time to be alone, and to feel calm and safe. To be honest, in this moment, I still want to reach out to him. I still am hoping that HE reaches out. But I'm hoping and praying this feeling passes and I can continue working towards my own recovery. I have thoughts of "well maybe when he gets out of the sober house, he'll come back and we can work things out". But I am trying SO hard to push these thoughts out of my head. I don't want the chaos again, whether he's clean or not...I don't want to worry where he is, what he's doing, if tomorrow will be the day that he relapses. That's no way to live. While right now, I can very honestly and humbly say that I still want to be with him, I know it's not what I'm supposed to do. I know it's not what is healthy for me. So I will not do it. I'll have to fight my cravings, just like an addict fights theirs. I will get stronger, and I will heal.