One Day at a Time...
we don't have to do this alone...in fact it is too hard to do alone, and why would we wanto to anyway?
find support where ever you can...meetings, (get yourself a sponsor! so awesome) therapy, friends, family...SR
if I add up my posts and the time that I have spent here I can estimate that I have probably spent around 300 hours processing on SR!! I needed to do this, I needed 24 hour access to community and processing. I needed perspective and truths and stories to relate to...
as codependents we go through a lot...despair, drama, pain, anguish, frustration, withdrawal, confusion, anger, hate, love, enmeshment, etc etc etc. it's really crazy making...no, I mean it...it is truly crazy making!
the good news is that there is healing, growth, and peace and compassion and love...in recovery. I am grateful for all that I have learned. I think there were some deeply seated parts of my psyche that I discovered and strengthened and healed. I guess if I could choose I would like to think that I didn't HAVE to go through all that I have gone through... that I could have done "less growing through pain" ha ha
I don't know. life is a mystery. the future is always spotless.
what I know now is that I love myself enough to no longer subject myself to the pain of being involved romantically with someone who can't stop relapsing/using
I am sorry for him, and I hope he can find his way
but I have subjected myself to the horrible jerkiness of romantic trauma long enough
I don't want to be depressed or angry or bitter or suspicious or belittled or blamed or lied to or manipulated or waiting for the other shoe to drop
I just finally got tired of it all and laid down my weapons and surrendered, and there I discovered freedom
I realized that I would rather be alone and peaceful than hold onto someone I loved who caused me so much precious time and energy...so so so much.
the risk? the cost? the benefit? the exchange? the trade-offs? the pay-offs? don't mean to sound cold, because people used to ask me these sorts of phrase/questions and I couldn't understand it. now I do.
I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.