Angry!

Old 12-29-2012, 05:39 PM
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Angry!

Quick background.....I am divorced from supposed recovering XAH, 3 children, stuck and confused about moving forward, wondering if i should try again, wondering if I didn't give him a chance when he got out of rehab. He pretty much stays out of our lives ( says its because he doesn't know what to do )

Anyway here's the ANGRY part....I continue to foster the relationship between my x's parents and my children. I often bring them over to visit etc.... Their father does not. And quite frankly if it weren't for me they might rarely see them. So my son is not on good terms with his father and while visiting the grandparents my x showed up. My son did not speak to or acknowledge him.....( the reasons are too lengthy to explain). After their father left after being there briefly his mother (grandmother) proceeded to tell my son he needs to respect his father and she will not allow him to act that way in her house, then went on to say things like you threw him out of the house,he couldn't recover from that, your mother gave him barely any money for the house my son was living in the street. My children were 7, 9, and 16 at that time. They did not throw their father out! The grandparents went on to say that their father is better, 16 months clean. My son then asked well why was he arrested last week for drugs? Their response was he was set up by police out to get him.
Needless to say my son called and wanted me to pick him up and extremely upset by the incident.

HOW DARE she speak my children about such things! Blaming me and them! My x is NEVER to blame, always gets away with his charades!

I want to call her and tell her off! So far I have restrained myself. What would you do? I am so used to turning the other cheek being the better person. But what would a healthy person do....because I think I am unhealthy and broken.
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:54 PM
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Me? Well, I would notify her that the children will no longer be visiting them unless they are accompanied by you. Of coarse if they are of adult age, it is their choice to go there or not. They are very toxic and this negative behavior will have a long term effect on your children. Your son sounds like one smart cookie!
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:13 PM
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My son is 14 and such a wise old soul....his ability to see the truth and act accordingly is an inspiration. Funny how that is since I am the adult here! Lol

Thank you for your response......They are toxic!
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:27 PM
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Just reading your post got my blood boiling so I can't even imagine how angry you are. What she said to your children is unacceptable and out of line. If your children enjoy spending time with their grandparents, then I agree with dolly and I would make it clear that they will not be visiting unless supervised by you. I wouldn't waste my time telling her how wrong she is b/c quite frankly you would probably be wasting your breath. If you do decide to talk about the incident, I would wait until you are calmer. You are above this; however, you are protecting your children and they should not be subjected to her dysfunctional comments. If your children are NOT asking to visit, then I would not make the effort. I too made the effort for many years with my toxic MIL. When my kids do ask to see their grandparents, I bring them and supervise. I wish you all the best. Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. Fortunately, my MIL has learned that I am not playing any more games and will not allow any chaos near my boys. Much more peaceful. I focus on other relationships with family that are not dysfunctional.
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:32 PM
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Your son sounds like a wise young man. It should be his choice to continue the relationship with his father and his grandparents. I would if I were you call the grandparents and let them know they overstepped their bounds with him. Should your son want to continue the contact , you can bet I would let him and the grandparents know it would be at my house or at a mutual place for all it would never be at their house again. Something tells me your son may not keep the contact with them them which for now may be in his best interest. You need to let your son know he did nothing wrong and he has the right to feel hurt or angry with his father, whatever the case may be there may come a day that your son will have a conversation with his father but it will happen when he is ready. It may not hurt to have him see a counselor in the meantime to help him through what is going on in his life. He just might need someone else to talk to that does not have family connection and can be on the outside of things. Good luck in whatever may come.
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Old 12-29-2012, 06:39 PM
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Thank you!! I need some validation from objective people. Most likely the incident will just be forgotten by them and never spoke of....that is how they operate. They don't talk about things or just minimize the actual emotional effect. My children love them but def sense the tension towards me. I am going to ask God for some guidance on this one. Maybe he'll send it in a post. . But be sure I will let her know in some manner of my disapproval.
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Old 12-30-2012, 05:12 AM
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If I've learned anything from my own experience with AH's dysfunctional family, it is that they can be fine when you are doing what they want you to do. But, try to change the family dynamics and WHAM, they turn on you like a pack of wolves. I've decided to go no contact with those that are trying to blame me for where AH is today and only invite positive people into my life. The people who know and love me know what I've been through and understand my need for it all to end.

Not to tell you what to do, but I would say nothing to the grandparents. Anything you say will be twisted and used against you. Let them approach you regarding visiting their grandchildren and you can pick the time and place (not at their house).
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Old 12-30-2012, 06:45 AM
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What would a healthy person do? Calmly get the other side of the story without anger or judgement.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:10 AM
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Hi Journey, sorry your dealing with their denial and their issues. Im more sorry for the effects the chaos and heartache it has on your kids. I know first had the anger and disappointment a addicted father brings into the lifes of our children.

You have the feelings of anger that are perfectly normal in my opinion, now what? Feel them and let them go. It is so frustrating to have parents that support, enable the addict. But we can't change them or him. We can only change what we can. Us! Our choices and situations. We have the duty as mothers to do what we think is best for our children to protect them even if its from grandparents, fathers etc... sad as it is we have do do what is best for the greatest number. My suggestion is to examine your motives and really dig deep inside yourself before you do anything. There is no right or wrong. You do what you feel is the best for you and your children.

I always told my kids to let go of the anger and bitterness towards their father cause it will only destroy them. Its okay to hurt feel sad, mad but then let it go. I took my kids to alateen. I share with them what I have learned about addiction. Their father is sick and so are the people effected by his disease. Inthis sickness we often times want to blame or unleash our anger, pain, frustration on someone, something. That's why its important for me to go to meetings to help me put it into perspective and to release some of my frustrations in an environment that's safe and where I wont say and do something I will have to make ammends for.

You don't have to make a decision right this second. Take some time to pray about it and process the feelings you have. Say the serenity prayer and wait until your less emotional. For me seeing my kids hurt is the worst feeling in the world. My momma bear instincts kick in! Deep down their grand parents love their grandchildren. They are only doing what they know to do. Not an excuse, just it is what it is. They like us, they are doing the best they can.

Our, my hopes of getting with my ex always over shadowed my decisions. I had to really look at the situation for what it was and not what I hoped. Asking for Gods will for my life and letting go of my will! (Really hard for me). I wanted my family and still do. I want my kids dad here for them, still do. Now reality is he is not changed. He still has self seeking behaviors, does not call his kids. Only calls his family when he wants or needs something. Until those things change their is no "us". Its so hard to let go and let God on this. But little by little, step by step, asking for Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out, it gets a little eaiser to accept what is.

Your a good mother and a good person and will figure it out. Keep the focus on you and what's best for them. Your their mom if you don't know who does?! It may not seem right or "normal" but nothing is when your dealing with the chaos and effects of addiction. Going to meetings you will hear shared experiences that you may try in your life, or you may have ideas inspired by what you hear to apply in your life.

Live and let live journey. Be mindful of your expetations of others. They lead to resentments and resenments hurt us. We can't expect sick people to be and act healthy! Keep working on you and getting your thinking and spirit and emotions healthy! You are stronger than you think. You are doing things to take care of you. Be good to yourself and take some time to enjoy you and your kids relationships. Nurture that! Focus on peace and serenity in your home and life. Bask in the good things you have. Just for today!
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:14 AM
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Well, the older me....would be on the phone with my husband - flipping out about his mother and tell him to straighten it out now or I would. Then I would anyway! lol

The newer me...would be angry and upset. I would wait until I was calmer to make a decision. I would calmly talk to her about what I was told, hear her side and if I felt that she would continue to be toxic to my children - I would either supervise the visits or stop them entirely.

Your kids may love them, but loving toxic people is how most of us got here to begin with.

P.S. I am curious how your ex was ever homeless and why they didn't take him in???
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