hades

Yes.

It IS hard, it IS going to hurt and your heart IS going to ache. You're going to feel lonely and sad and confused. I was SO sad. For a long time. I wasn't myself. Just thinking about how sad I was makes me feel sad for that girl. I had to work through that sadness.

I changed my mindset. I became excited at the opportunity for a new me, a new him, a new chapter in my life. Whoo hoo! I was free. I'll tell you what, I became a better me. He is the same! I don't mean to sound harsh, but nothing substantial has changed.

I got back in school full-time. That is what I did for myself. I did all of the things I always wanted to do. Sometimes I dragged my feet and I only wanted to lay in bed and cry, but I am SO grateful I had others to encourage me to keep going. It DOES get better. You DO think clearer. Time itself doesn't heal. You have to work on healing during that time.

I cut off contact for a couple of months. I blocked everything associated with him. Mean? Maybe. It was what was necessary for me to get out of that sad place. We eventually got in touch again and even Mr. Junkie was so proud of my accomplishments. He cried.

I still miss him, but it no longer breaks my heart. Make sense? When I miss him, I call him and then I remember why we broke up. Same song on repeat.

We always hope. But don't let that hope keep you from living your life as it is NOW. You might be waiting years for this change to occur.

My therapist told me the most loving thing I could do for him is to let go:

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

Sober living homes, in my opinion, are like a fraternity house to those who aren't working a program-a big party. My AXBF got into a LOT of trouble living there. I followed him through several. I always hoped. I was always disappointed. He didn't follow the rules, he used drugs, he got kicked out, he met people worse off than him and befriended them. Some were co-ed and yes, you can imagine what kind of things went on. Some were very strict and structured. Some were like a slumber party. I WISH I would have let him work through ALL of that BEFORE I decided to be in a committed relationship. I WISH I didn't see what I experienced.

I know this is cliche, but if you really love the guy, let him work on himself. Give him that chance, that opportunity, that space. He needs to sort things out for himself. He is struggling with addiction!

Another thing, once my AXBF went into a 90 day Christian treatment program and broke up with me in a letter. He said he needed to be alone, I was bringing him down (imagine that) and he needed to focus on his relationship with God. At the time, it was nuts. Now, I can appreciate where it was coming from. He was so desperate to live a clean and sober life. I was a DISTRACTION to his recovery.

My point in all of this rambling is that like you, I thought this sober living home was going to be it-the be all end all. Once he got through that, it would be okay. This is a lifelong process for him.

Let him figure things out. Maybe in a couple of months or a year, get in touch and see where each of you are in your life. What I am trying to shield you from is the ugliness of addiction. I was strung along for years. It was unnecessary.

Now, how is Pock89 going to take care her of her precious self? That is your focus now. What makes you laugh and smile? What soothes your soul? Try P90x and I promise you won't be thinking about him! I focused my energy and time into exercise and I juiced for 3 months. Talk about a confidence boost! I am in school full-time for Nursing, although I now want to be a PA, I took a cake decorating class, I am also studying Ministry. These things make me happy. Once I became involved in other areas, I met new people, learned new things.

AXBF and I broke up and got back together many, many times and sometimes it was good, most of the time it wasn't. He always relapsed. He was always "starting over." Is that how you want to live your life? Don't get stuck in the fantasy. The illusion is a scary place to be ...