Ekat

Anonym, I am watching Titanic for the hundreth time.

No, I do not need the meds BUT I once ran out of them, and after twelve hours I was rushed to the ER screaming and in intolerable pain from the wd. They gave me a shot of morphine, and I was OK. I can't go through it again. I will definitely hurt myself. I never felt anything so painful.

I don't know what this sleeping until 2pm is all about. I do take a couple of glasses of red wine every day. (A couple meaning 2 4oz. servings.) I just sip at it over eight hours or so. For me it's like a smoking habit. (I have never smoked.) I have also never used recreational drugs of any kind, but I had severe anxiety which nothing eased out until *poof* oxycodone. (Prescribed for spinal tumors that were excruciating.)

I am also an athlete. I was a figure skater, ballet dancer, and a teacher of Iyengar yoga.
It has been about eight months (when my daughter left and I lost my apartment) that I haven't been able to move. I go to sleep at 4am, wake at 10am, lie in bed until 2, feed my dog, and lie on the sofa until 5 or so. Then I force myself to get dressed. Sometimes I have doctors' appointments, but usually cancel them, and do the bare minimum to get by. I am so ashamed and I can't explain it. My ex (a psychiatrist) called me lazy and slaughtered me in court, as I did not have a lawyer. I am not the "lazy" type. I have a bit of OCD (always did) and I tend to watch C-SPAN and clean, once I get up. It's so weird. I can't relate to anyone, and I feel that I am going to rot to my death in this place. (I took the apartment under my former one. It's dark and depressing. I detest it.)

That's just a little more info. Anything that you or anyone has to offer will be greatly welcomed.

Ekat

LOL. I hope that you get some sleep. I'm glad that you're around.

Ekat

Hi, Anonym,

I bought a light box (actually got it through my insurance,) but I feel like a freak. When I try to taper I get so anxious and depressed that I just end up taking more. I am also irritated at my doctors for starting me on this crap. They knew about the severe anxiety and depression I was experiencing, magnified by an ugly and unexpected divorce. (I raised my kids and stayed home, and totally trusted my husband. In the end, I got practically nothing. I have no safety net - family, close friends, assets.) I am terrified. The final blow was when my younger daughter left me for her father, whom she dislikes. I cannot get her to communicate at all, and we were very, very close. I actually don't know why she left, except that we began to have bad financial problems. Her father has a physician's salary, and I'm sure it makes life much easier for her.

I feel that I have nothing to live for.

I don't know how you function. You are doing a great job. Do you find that your memory is impaired at all? I find that I can't pull up names or words very often. I want this nightmare to end.

Ekat

Dee, your "avatar" makes me smile. Thank you for being here. Have you posted your story somewhere? If so, can you PM it to me (cut and paste is fine.) I need a little support group here, and you have a nice energy.

Dee74

er...no...I keep meaning to do that, Ekat LOL

Watch this space
D

tingtang

Hi, I just read through most of this thread and it does give me some hope.. I am currently addicted to oxycontin... I've went from 240mg a day to about 40mg a day.. I started off on percocet for my diverticulitis and possibly crohns disease... I've tried numerous times to quit but it everytime I come close I find myself snorting more oxycontin.. I've gotten close a couple of times but only with the help of suboxone... I know 40mg isn't a whole lot but my withdraw symptoms are horrible still... There are times I wish I could just die... The longest span I've ever went without taking any was only about a week... And that's only with the help of suboxone...

Even after the withdraw symptoms are mostly gone, or at least the worse of them I end up putting myself back at square one and the cycle seriously seems never ending.. I'm to the point right now that I feel as if I can never quit... Maybe I just don't have the will power.. I've read you can take hot baths, ibprofen etc which I've tried all of them and they don't seem to work... I'm really out of ideas... As of right now I feel as though if I do not have suboxone I won't be able to make it... I really want to be able to quit cold turkey but at this point it almost feels impossible...

Another thing that gets me is when I have these "attacks" like my diverticulitis or crohns comes i'm in so much pain I cannot even move... The doctors said the test results of the crohns disease were inconclusive... Without oxycontin I wouldn't even be able to walk to the bathroom on my own... These attacks come randomly... Sometimes every week, sometimes a couple months... But I have yet to go more than 2 months without having a attack... They have lasted as long as 2 weeks for me... Any type of advise is greatly appreciated... I'm having one of my attacks right now.. Day one of the pain.. I've been taking some antibiotics so I'm hoping it will not get worse... It usually gets worse as days pass before it starts getting better... I just don't know how I can manage the pain without opiate type painkillers... Even with oxy it only takes the edge off the pain... Sorry for this rambling... I just wanted some advise from someone with maybe some expierence with a similar situation as me...

Ekat

It sounds like you need the medication if you are in that much pain, TingTang. It does have it's place in medicine; it's just very dangerous.

For someone like me, with no prior drug history, but also no support system, it is a disaster. That is a significant drop (240 to 40). How long it it take you to drop off that much? But if you are in sustained pain, I think that it should be addressed. Nobody should have to live like that.

Dee74

Hi TingTang

Welcome to SR

The fact is noone need be addicted simply for pain relief. As a disabled man, I believe that very strongly.

There are methods, medications and procedures available that are better suited to the recovering addict.

You may get some suggestions here, you may also want to take a look in our pain management in recovery forum...
Recovery and Pain Management - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

The very best thing you can do is be honest and open with Dr about your desire to get off oxy and explore other pain management ideas.

If your current Dr is unresponsive or is unsuitable to you for any other reason, you should look for another. You owe yourself the best medical care and treatment you can find.

D

tingtang

Thanks for the responses guys... It's taken me awhile to cut down to around 40mg a day... Now my issue is I continually to use it even after my pain goes away... When I am in pain however Im doin more like 80-160mg a day... I was actually introduced to oxy through a friend, but now it's to the point that that's the only thing that works... Other than daladid (I don't think I spelled that right) I think it's called hydro morphone which is what the hospital had to give me through direct iv injection because morphine and nothing else worked... I've built up such a tolerance for pain killers, (at least those types) that I find myself doing more and more for pain relief... Financially I cannot afford to keep taking oc.... Even having a prescription without insurance is not cheap... Doctor visits are not cheap for me and everytime I even go to the hospital they end up keeping me there for at least 5 days... It's pretty sad when I've been to the hospital 4 times for the same problem and each time I go they seem to think they know what's wrong but it turns out they were wrong... So now when I have these attacks I try to avoid going to the hospital...

nlynn97

I was on perc 2 5mg pills in the morning, afternoon and at night so about 30mgs a day. I had a disc injury in back and I had never had an addiction problem before. My parents are both drug addicts and I have always tried to stay away from that path. Somehow I found it anyway. The pills made it so I could work and still be pain free. Now they seem like the only joy I get out of life. My husband has never done any drugs not even alcohol. So he doesn’t understand and he is bitter and angry with me. I don’t know how to fix this. It's only been one day and I don’t feel the w/d symptoms yet but I am feeling the pain of my disc injury. My husband wants to put me in a treatment center if I can’t prove that I can do it on my own. So I have to make this work. I’m scared. It’s really hard to be alone with myself.

Dee74

Welcome to SR nlynn

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

D

Shellslove

Hi Ekat - I hope you're still around =) How are yo doing? I just wanted to mention that those quick detoxes are just the very (expensive) tip of the iceberg and imho, just not worth it! I know they are advertized as a 'painless' detox but it's just not always the case. As bval mentioned you are literally knocked out for 24hrs + and yes, when you wake up your body may no longer be physically dependent on the opiates - but there's a good chance you will still be in pain and have days of w/d to go through! In addition, your brain still needs time to heal from the damage that's been done by the opiates. I'm not saying this to get you down - as addicts we all have to deal with this and it's entirely possible. I'm just saying the 'quick and easy' isn't always so quick and easy!! This is just dealing with the physical part of the addiction - it's still so important to do the counseling, the support, the therapy. Just cutting out opiates does bubkis if you don't change your lifestyle and addictive behaviors! Just reading over your posts and desperation, I'm so sorry to hear what a rough go you're having with things. I know it was mentioned here but I think suboxone might be a godsend for you? Have you talked to a doctor about this at all? It really does help to stave off the w/d while you go through the traditional recovery and support process -- so you can concentrate on getting well and not being in pain. Sounds like that would be sort of perfect for you??

Ekat

For starters, there these two things: What happens when I am in the hospital, I've hit about the twelve hour point without oxy, and I am screaming, crying, flogging about, asking to be killed, and crawling on all fours in desperation? What do they do?

And IF I go through the Waismann Method, what happens when I wake up with anxiety so bad that I feel like I will go insane?

No doctor is answering my questions. And I am terrified.

Here's the kicker: I never ONCE bought a pill on the street.

Ekat

BTW, I live in Massachusetts and go to the Mass General Back Bay Health Center. It's considered conservative and the pinnacle of state-of-the-art medicine. I was given oxycodone for fairly severe pain in my back/hip. They watched me move, took MRIs, gave me steroid injections, and continued to increase the dose of oxy.

Now, I have no life. The irony is that I was always made fun of for being too much of a "good girl" - no drugs or smoking (can you believe I have never smoked anything?) I was a terrific student and a great mother.

Now, I have NOTHING. My kids won't talk to me at all, my husband divorced me, and I live like a hermit.

I don't work; I can't work. I feel like I am being consumed all the time.

I am beginning to consider a lawsuit. This is very, very wrong.

Stagebear

Are you speaking of a detox or an ER? A detox will provide appropriate medication to ease your withdrawal. Many use suboxone, which they generally won't begin for at least 24 hours. Until that point they generally use other medications that will help mitigate the symptoms, including something for anxiety, physical pain, etc.
No answer for that one, as I'm not a fan of McDetox.
Neither have a lot of addicts. You're not terribly unique in that respect.

Ekat

Stagebear, it sounds to me that many people here have been given these awful drugs by their physicians. I think that something need to be done about it. If I ever pull through this, I will join a group, or create one if necessary, to restrict the use of these drugs in all but the most serious of cases. They are evil, and ruin lives.

I am so angry...

Sugah

I felt the same way, Ekat. I was ready to circulate a petition, write to the governor, the president -- you name it. I was on fire.

But there are people who have incredible pain, who are near the end of their lives, and for whom these substances (that have been such evil to you and me) provide a little peace. Do I really want to participate in something that will deprive them, and their loved ones, some easing into the next world? Who defines "only the most serious of cases?"

So, instead, I focus my efforts on this side of it -- telling folks who've found themselves addicted and think there's no way out that there is, there is life on the other side of the drug. Or to give hope to those who live with chronic pain that yes, we can live with pain and not have to numb it. We can become that strong.

A few posts back, you said:

Less than two weeks, you'd be through it. Now, for a lot of us, that's the easy part. I don't know how it would be with you. You're the only one who can answer that question. But -- less than two weeks, and think of what you'd regain in your life. Maybe not all you lost, but you'd clear the way for something new. Folks like us go through detox every day. It's never, in my experience, painless. And truly, once you find yourself in this position, no matter who you're angry with that you're in this shape, only you can go through it.

As we say around here, it doesn't much matter how the donkey got in the ditch. How do we get it out?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Ekat

I don't know how I will ever get through the initial withdrawal, Sugah. I am trying to research everything. I don't want to die.

Sugah

Ekat, I haven't read through this entire thread. I recently spoke to a rehab counselor while helping a woman try to find a detox and/or rehab that would take her. He told me they use a five-day course of suboxone -- I think in a similar way that it was given to StageBear. They dose you up and then back down so that while you're going through the worst of the physical withdrawal, the suboxone is taking away the worst of it. Have you come across this method in your research? I don't know that it's painless, but I don't know of any detox that's painless.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Ekat

No, I haven't heard of that, Sugah. My big concern is that I couldn't get through 12 hours of withdrawal. I know there is going to be a lot more to it than that, but I have to find a way to NOT let it go past 10-12 hours. For whatever reason, my body can't take it.

Is your name from "The Color Purple"?