Effed Up Royally
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
We are starting a debt collections company. .
Sorry I couldnt resist!
Hope your feeling better today.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Opio this is awesome, how do we send you our debt? Im willing to shop everyday and generate large amounts if it will enhance your "collection"
Sorry I couldnt resist!
Hope your feeling better today.
Sorry I couldnt resist!
Hope your feeling better today.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Sleep is very slowly improving, but it is far from normal. I am still feeling pretty rough, and don't feel like writing much. The only thing that is going to make things better at this point is more time...a lot more time.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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OpioPhobe, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm 24 hours and 37 minutes into hydrocodone withdrawls. It's hell but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what you are dealing with. Good luck and you can do this. We are all rooting for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6icixZolRx8
Hey opio, this popped up on my workout rotation and I thought you might dig it. It's old but still a lot of fun
Hey opio, this popped up on my workout rotation and I thought you might dig it. It's old but still a lot of fun
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Oh opio, I enjoyed reading your paragraph about withdrawals as torture. So funny. I am a cold turkey detox type, I like to rip the band aid off and get it over with. But dang I know what you mean about how hard it is. The sleepless nights are the worse. I also have detoxed and had to watch my daughter, it takes my mind off things...
Keep on writing. Enjoy reading and keep up the good work. Sounds like you are almost in the clear.
Keep on writing. Enjoy reading and keep up the good work. Sounds like you are almost in the clear.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
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All - sorry I have been on hiatus. Things initially got worst after I last wrote, but the past couple days have been much better. I don't have time to write that much, but things are settling down on the withdrawal front. It still sucks, but it is what it is.
Yesterday I realized that the new partnership I have been waiting on is just an all around bad idea. It is too bad that I waited a year for things to come through. I have a couple ideas for new jobs I could take, and I can't describe the relief I felt just going through them in my mind. It was like I could finally see a light at the end of this **** hole of a mess that I got myself into. Not working has been a real ****** experience for me. From a financial perspective things are fine with me not working, but it has been a serious problem for my life. I am relatively knew to my area and just don't know that many people. Work is a very important part of my life that has been missing. The thing I miss the most is the respect that I earned from my coworkers through my hard work. I went from that to being told that everything I do taking care of my children is wrong. Not working has caused me to turn into a recluse basically, and spend all my time working on trying to 'fix' my wife. Maybe she resented the fact that I was trying to get her out of her room all this time. I'll never know. In any case, I am going to start interviewing soon, and I will just put the little guy in day care if I need to. If my wife wants to turn into a crazy recluse and stay in her room for the rest of her life then so be it. I am going to move on with my life with or without her.
Yesterday I realized that the new partnership I have been waiting on is just an all around bad idea. It is too bad that I waited a year for things to come through. I have a couple ideas for new jobs I could take, and I can't describe the relief I felt just going through them in my mind. It was like I could finally see a light at the end of this **** hole of a mess that I got myself into. Not working has been a real ****** experience for me. From a financial perspective things are fine with me not working, but it has been a serious problem for my life. I am relatively knew to my area and just don't know that many people. Work is a very important part of my life that has been missing. The thing I miss the most is the respect that I earned from my coworkers through my hard work. I went from that to being told that everything I do taking care of my children is wrong. Not working has caused me to turn into a recluse basically, and spend all my time working on trying to 'fix' my wife. Maybe she resented the fact that I was trying to get her out of her room all this time. I'll never know. In any case, I am going to start interviewing soon, and I will just put the little guy in day care if I need to. If my wife wants to turn into a crazy recluse and stay in her room for the rest of her life then so be it. I am going to move on with my life with or without her.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
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All - I am still hanging in there, but I have been really down since quitting. Part of it is still PAWS, etc., but the biggest part (in my humble opinion) is just facing up to the utter failure of a marriage that I am a part of. It is a terrible feeling to know how much my children are going to suffer going forward. I clearly contributed to this, but I have done everything in my power to try to make things right. Unfortunately, a marriage isn't going to work unless both parties want it to.
My wife's response has been almost laughable. She would rather off me than get a divorce. I told her to go ahead and get it over with if she is going to do it. She won't though because it is just talk on her part. I don't want to alarm anyone though. Like I said, she is all talk.
Apparently I am one of her possessions, and she can't bear the thought of me being with someone else. I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about that. The thought of being with someone else is repulsive, and I couldn't even imagine thinking about getting married again. I would rather have my eyes gouged out with a red hot poker than get married again. It reminds me of the torture scene in Hot Shots (maybe it was Hot Shots Part Deux) when the Colonel talks about how he has first hand experience with pain and suffering. He goes through all of his past ordeals, which is a long an distinguished list. At the end of it he says that he "was married...twice", and his torturer gives him a look of respect because he knows that he has really been through the ringer.
So, on the drug front things are fine, but it really doesn't make much of a difference. I am probably just going to pack my bags and disappear one day. I stayed as long as a could to try to help my children, but the situation is beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do to help them, because their mother is dead set on making sure that I am miserable. So I either leave and carry around the guilt of abandoning my children, or I stay here and eventually spiral into the abyss of insanity.
My wife's response has been almost laughable. She would rather off me than get a divorce. I told her to go ahead and get it over with if she is going to do it. She won't though because it is just talk on her part. I don't want to alarm anyone though. Like I said, she is all talk.
Apparently I am one of her possessions, and she can't bear the thought of me being with someone else. I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about that. The thought of being with someone else is repulsive, and I couldn't even imagine thinking about getting married again. I would rather have my eyes gouged out with a red hot poker than get married again. It reminds me of the torture scene in Hot Shots (maybe it was Hot Shots Part Deux) when the Colonel talks about how he has first hand experience with pain and suffering. He goes through all of his past ordeals, which is a long an distinguished list. At the end of it he says that he "was married...twice", and his torturer gives him a look of respect because he knows that he has really been through the ringer.
So, on the drug front things are fine, but it really doesn't make much of a difference. I am probably just going to pack my bags and disappear one day. I stayed as long as a could to try to help my children, but the situation is beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do to help them, because their mother is dead set on making sure that I am miserable. So I either leave and carry around the guilt of abandoning my children, or I stay here and eventually spiral into the abyss of insanity.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe
All - I am still hanging in there, but I have been really down since quitting. Part of it is still PAWS, etc., but the biggest part (in my humble opinion) is just facing up to the utter failure of a marriage that I am a part of. It is a terrible feeling to know how much my children are going to suffer going forward. I clearly contributed to this, but I have done everything in my power to try to make things right. Unfortunately, a marriage isn't going to work unless both parties want it to.
My wife's response has been almost laughable. She would rather off me than get a divorce. I told her to go ahead and get it over with if she is going to do it. She won't though because it is just talk on her part. I don't want to alarm anyone though. Like I said, she is all talk.
Apparently I am one of her possessions, and she can't bear the thought of me being with someone else. I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about that. The thought of being with someone else is repulsive, and I couldn't even imagine thinking about getting married again. I would rather have my eyes gouged out with a red hot poker than get married again. It reminds me of the torture scene in Hot Shots (maybe it was Hot Shots Part Deux) when the Colonel talks about how he has first hand experience with pain and suffering. He goes through all of his past ordeals, which is a long an distinguished list. At the end of it he says that he "was married...twice", and his torturer gives him a look of respect because he knows that he has really been through the ringer.
So, on the drug front things are fine, but it really doesn't make much of a difference. I am probably just going to pack my bags and disappear one day. I stayed as long as a could to try to help my children, but the situation is beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do to help them, because their mother is dead set on making sure that I am miserable. So I either leave and carry around the guilt of abandoning my children, or I stay here and eventually spiral into the abyss of insanity.
My wife's response has been almost laughable. She would rather off me than get a divorce. I told her to go ahead and get it over with if she is going to do it. She won't though because it is just talk on her part. I don't want to alarm anyone though. Like I said, she is all talk.
Apparently I am one of her possessions, and she can't bear the thought of me being with someone else. I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about that. The thought of being with someone else is repulsive, and I couldn't even imagine thinking about getting married again. I would rather have my eyes gouged out with a red hot poker than get married again. It reminds me of the torture scene in Hot Shots (maybe it was Hot Shots Part Deux) when the Colonel talks about how he has first hand experience with pain and suffering. He goes through all of his past ordeals, which is a long an distinguished list. At the end of it he says that he "was married...twice", and his torturer gives him a look of respect because he knows that he has really been through the ringer.
So, on the drug front things are fine, but it really doesn't make much of a difference. I am probably just going to pack my bags and disappear one day. I stayed as long as a could to try to help my children, but the situation is beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do to help them, because their mother is dead set on making sure that I am miserable. So I either leave and carry around the guilt of abandoning my children, or I stay here and eventually spiral into the abyss of insanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
I read through this thread often and think highly of you Opio. I also lost my relationship 2 years ago, it was hard as ever but now 2 years later I realise it was for the best. My daughter doesn't have to see or be raised with 2 miserable parents who didn't love each other anymore. I have stopped the blame, forgiven and moved on. It wasn't easy, but it all works out. My dad always says the strong one can walk away. You will be okay... can you think about moving out and starting a place of your own. Get through the court stuff then go on with your life. I stayed around for a long time because I didn't want my daughter being raised in a broken home, however now I am glad its done. We share custody, everything is okay. You will be okay.
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I have been down lately. The thought of being free from the marriage is starting to seem real to me. At times, I had thought about divorce, but it just seemed like some abstract dream on the horizon. When I think about how much easier life will be on my own it gives me something to look forward to. It isn't like I am gearing up to start the process next week, but I see it coming within a few months. Given the situation I have to be very methodical about building my case. I have been taking notes of her excuse every day for not seeing her children, and I am going to record some phone calls when she starts talking about harming people. Otherwise, my children could end up with their mother without me, which would be an utter disaster. It would destroy me to see them go to foster care, but even that would be better than them ending up with their mother without me there. It reminds me of the story of two women claiming ownership of a baby in a king's court. Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to get King Solomon as my judge.
There is still some hope that things may get better with my wife. She has a new doctor that she really gets along with that it a good sign. I am going to approach the doctor, and give her some insight into what things have been like in my house. Maybe a miracle will happen and she will get on the right medication that will turn things around. For the sake of my family I would willingly forgive all and move on. I would even take the blame for everything if that is what it took. Unfortunately, none of that will work unless my wife is willing to cooperate. I don't even know if that would be enough, because I can't tell how much of this is involuntary due to a real mental illness versus a deeply ingrained personality / character flaw.
I have to admit that I looked down on people that got divorces for most of my life. I thought it was just an easy out for people that didn't want to put forth the effort to make a marriage work. I get it now. That being said, I feel a lot of guilt for looking down on people in the past. No one wants to get divorced, and I think the vast majority of people at least try to work it out. Sometimes it is the only way to make life bearable. If the other person in the marriage doesn't want to make things work then there is nothing you can do to make it work. I think you would have to have the patience of Gandhi or Jesus Christ to be able to tolerate a marriage that has really gone to the birds. Seriously, I don't even know if historical A-listers like that could deal with a wife set on making their life miserable.
Before I got married I read the oaths closely to make sure that I could live up to them, and I never believe that I would be able to break them. My priorities have changed now that I have children, and I think that is a good thing. Even though it is painful to break my oath (it is something that I do take very seriously), I realized that I was being selfish. Is my vanity of identifying as a person that 'never' breaks his word worth my children's happiness? I am just going to have to find a way to get over breaking my word. It isn't fair to sentence my children to a life of misery to keep my word.
On the drug front, I have been holding strong. I do know that I would not be able to stay sober for the long-term under current conditions. There are probably others that would disagree, and would point to a program that I could use to stay sober no matter what. I must say that I envy those that have the strength to confidently say that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. For me, I think the better road is to admit my limitations, and make the changes needed to keep things manageable. There will be plenty of curve balls that I don't see coming to challenge me. If there are things I can change to make it easier I am going to do so. I have heard others say that you can't set expectations on others, and that no one else can interfere with their sobriety. When I hear people say that I believe them, and I am happy for them. I know myself though, and I am not going to get there with this situation. Even if I could what would be the point? Do I really want bragging rights that I kept life miserable just so I could make sobriety adequately challenging?
I don't want to come across as blaming my wife for my addiction. That was my mindset for a long, long time, and it didn't get me anywhere. It just kept me feeling sorry for myself, while sinking deeper and deeper into active addiction. The way I see it now is that she is responsible for introducing tremendous stress to my life, but I was responsible for choosing drugs to deal with that stress. Last summer when I was on the road I knew what was going to happen when I came back. Even then, part of me still blamed my wife for it. I was expecting her to change, and started pouting when things didn't go my way. Maybe my view on this will change over time, but I can accept full responsibility for my drug use. It took me a long time to get there though. I guess I couldn't come to terms with the fact that your truly had ****** up that bad. Actually, I am still pissed at myself for the mistakes I made (really pissed), but I think that will get better with time.
There is still some hope that things may get better with my wife. She has a new doctor that she really gets along with that it a good sign. I am going to approach the doctor, and give her some insight into what things have been like in my house. Maybe a miracle will happen and she will get on the right medication that will turn things around. For the sake of my family I would willingly forgive all and move on. I would even take the blame for everything if that is what it took. Unfortunately, none of that will work unless my wife is willing to cooperate. I don't even know if that would be enough, because I can't tell how much of this is involuntary due to a real mental illness versus a deeply ingrained personality / character flaw.
I have to admit that I looked down on people that got divorces for most of my life. I thought it was just an easy out for people that didn't want to put forth the effort to make a marriage work. I get it now. That being said, I feel a lot of guilt for looking down on people in the past. No one wants to get divorced, and I think the vast majority of people at least try to work it out. Sometimes it is the only way to make life bearable. If the other person in the marriage doesn't want to make things work then there is nothing you can do to make it work. I think you would have to have the patience of Gandhi or Jesus Christ to be able to tolerate a marriage that has really gone to the birds. Seriously, I don't even know if historical A-listers like that could deal with a wife set on making their life miserable.
Before I got married I read the oaths closely to make sure that I could live up to them, and I never believe that I would be able to break them. My priorities have changed now that I have children, and I think that is a good thing. Even though it is painful to break my oath (it is something that I do take very seriously), I realized that I was being selfish. Is my vanity of identifying as a person that 'never' breaks his word worth my children's happiness? I am just going to have to find a way to get over breaking my word. It isn't fair to sentence my children to a life of misery to keep my word.
On the drug front, I have been holding strong. I do know that I would not be able to stay sober for the long-term under current conditions. There are probably others that would disagree, and would point to a program that I could use to stay sober no matter what. I must say that I envy those that have the strength to confidently say that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. For me, I think the better road is to admit my limitations, and make the changes needed to keep things manageable. There will be plenty of curve balls that I don't see coming to challenge me. If there are things I can change to make it easier I am going to do so. I have heard others say that you can't set expectations on others, and that no one else can interfere with their sobriety. When I hear people say that I believe them, and I am happy for them. I know myself though, and I am not going to get there with this situation. Even if I could what would be the point? Do I really want bragging rights that I kept life miserable just so I could make sobriety adequately challenging?
I don't want to come across as blaming my wife for my addiction. That was my mindset for a long, long time, and it didn't get me anywhere. It just kept me feeling sorry for myself, while sinking deeper and deeper into active addiction. The way I see it now is that she is responsible for introducing tremendous stress to my life, but I was responsible for choosing drugs to deal with that stress. Last summer when I was on the road I knew what was going to happen when I came back. Even then, part of me still blamed my wife for it. I was expecting her to change, and started pouting when things didn't go my way. Maybe my view on this will change over time, but I can accept full responsibility for my drug use. It took me a long time to get there though. I guess I couldn't come to terms with the fact that your truly had ****** up that bad. Actually, I am still pissed at myself for the mistakes I made (really pissed), but I think that will get better with time.
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Opio you are amazing!
One thing I noticed about life is it has a way of changing a person's strong opinion's of things. Or at least it has mine. What I once thought was a certain way...like what you said about divorce and people who divorce. It's like life forces us to see things for what they really are. I've had lots of misconceptions about things that ended up being proved wrong. So you are not the only one who's had to change their ideas/opinions. Life has a way of knocking down our ego too. (For lack of a better way to say it.) I blamed my addiction on others in my life too, until I realized how wrong I was. Sure stress came from others...but the choice to pop pills was mine and mine alone.
Lots of good thinking going on opio. So true what you said about your kids and your need to "never break your oaths". Their lives and future mean so much more.
I know you are still beating yourself up for this latest relapse. But I think there are lessons you've learned and just maybe this experience has cemented your recovery in a way it wasn't before? Just my thoughts on it.
As always, glad you've checked in.
One thing I noticed about life is it has a way of changing a person's strong opinion's of things. Or at least it has mine. What I once thought was a certain way...like what you said about divorce and people who divorce. It's like life forces us to see things for what they really are. I've had lots of misconceptions about things that ended up being proved wrong. So you are not the only one who's had to change their ideas/opinions. Life has a way of knocking down our ego too. (For lack of a better way to say it.) I blamed my addiction on others in my life too, until I realized how wrong I was. Sure stress came from others...but the choice to pop pills was mine and mine alone.
Lots of good thinking going on opio. So true what you said about your kids and your need to "never break your oaths". Their lives and future mean so much more.
I know you are still beating yourself up for this latest relapse. But I think there are lessons you've learned and just maybe this experience has cemented your recovery in a way it wasn't before? Just my thoughts on it.
As always, glad you've checked in.
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