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Old 09-05-2014, 09:59 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Hi Opi. I'm glad you got rid of the alcohol! That is a huge step! I'm sorry your wife wouldn't let you get rid of the wine. The store may be 5 min away but I guess it's different having it 'right there'. I hope you continue to improve. I'm really proud of you. I know this is hard.
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THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES
THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE KINDNESS,GENEROSITY,
TRUTH
"WHICH WOLF WINS?"
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
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Old 09-05-2014, 06:44 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Today was a bit of a rollercoaster. This AM was good, and I am glad to report that the ear ringing has subsided. No amps and no booze today. I was expecting to feel more fatigued, but I was actually doing well for the majority of the day. The restlessness crept up on me an hour ago and came on strong. I took 1mg Xanax. Now I just feel fatigued, but the restlessness has eased. I wish I could look at it positively, but I was hoping to be done with everything today. To be honest, I feel pretty weak to have giving in when I did. The restlessness may have passed if I had held out longer.

I am still hoping for something positive to come out of my Doctor appointment next week. As far as timeline's go that is DDay. If I can get down to nothing prior to the appointment then great. If not, and the doctor's appointment doesn't go well then I am going to have to cut off everything and buckle down for the ride. I am still holding out hope that a portion of the restlessness is from the Wellbutrin, and that it will start to improve over the next few days.
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Old 09-05-2014, 06:49 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Are you working out to burn off some of the anxiety/restlessness? It helps with my hubs anxiety at least part of the time. Plus on the lighter side: we have to get you burning off those beer calories

I hope tomorrow is a good day.
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Old 09-05-2014, 07:52 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Haha. The wifey has made so many comments about how much weight I lost during the H withdrawal. I told her that if she is looking to lose weight (she doesn't IMHO) that there are a lot better ways to do it. Even after my short stint with the beer though I have put some pounds back on.

I should try the exercise in the AM. I seem to be doing better in the mornings. If I wait until the restlessness hits then I think I'll be too unmotivated.
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Old 09-06-2014, 02:35 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Well, **** with the wife came to a head tonight. I just drove off and told her that I would see her next Tuesday at her therapist appointment. That is if she is lucky enough for me to show up. I told her that if she misses the appointment that tonight will be the last time she sees me.

I realize I sound like a broken record about bitching about the wife. Everyone is probably sick and tired of hearing about it. It is impossible to believe that the scumbag addict of the family (yours truly) was the one that was actually responsible. That is the honest truth. When I was dopesick and got an hour of sleep for the night I got my ass out of bed anyway and got my daughter to school on time while my worthless wife laid in bed all day complaining about how depressed she was about my addiction. She was just being a lazy bitch that wanted to use my 'addiction' as a cover. The funny thing is that whether I used or not she acted the exact same way.

I don't have words for how terrible I feel for my children. Given the fact that I am an addict the State would obviously side with her regardless of how blatantly incompentant of a mother she is. I seriously think a pedophile would have as much credibility in a custody hearing as a heroin addict would.

I guess I had it coming...we reap what we sow right!
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:01 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Opio,

Whatever happened between you I know it must have been bad for you to drive away. Im worried about you now, please check back in when you can. ((hugs)).
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:24 AM   #67 (permalink)
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I am on the road. Hoping to make Chicago by tonight. Then on to Texas or Cali. I didn't think to get my ******** last night.
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:24 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Pass port is what I meant. Not sure why that got blocked.
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:46 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Can't say I'm anything beyond happy you left her.

I can't stand people who like to throw things up just as a slam.

My GF loved doing that. I couldn't even watch a Dr. Drew show
without her starting in with me. I was like "ummm....am straighter than
a arrow and dealing with your lazy, controlling, abusive etc self, which makes this
reality HELL ON EARTH."

As much as I loved her, she tore me down so much I had no respect for her.
She had a slew of MH probs but after a few years, even that became just
another excuse for her to be .... yeah, all those things.

I drove for hours and days and spent lots of time in motels. They were HEAVEN
after her outbursts. Then all the apologies would start up.
Am so happy never to hear or feel that kind of pain again. Not happy she is dead, but I don't think she ever would of stopped if she were alive - hurting me and others. It was that bad.

/sorry - I kind of went all personal there. It's all those good ol' triggers/memories that I was left with. :-/

My immediate response was "keep driving".

One last edit - don't believe for one minute that she is somehow just going to automatically gets the kids. You are NOT the lowest of the low. I'm sorry but one thing I don't buy into is addict=some low life scum, cheating, lying, abusive, waste of space. I know more non-addict people that are some or all of those things that don't take or drink anything.
/there I'm done for now.

(yeah right)

I never wanted to use something or anything as much as when the crap got bad with her.....which was daily. I'm completely serious when I say if there was EVER a time to use drugs and booze to check out of the here and now that used to be my daily life, it was those years.
I couldn't only because of fear of her.
I was so frigging exhausted along with being scared out of my mind. She didn't coook, clean, help, shop, get up to put daughter on bus, get her off bus, put daughter to bed.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
/stopping. Gotta go take a breather.
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Old 09-06-2014, 12:18 PM   #70 (permalink)
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*a huge bawl fest later*

2nd time I'm gonna apologize in this thread of your Op.
Am just having rough week with losing a dear friend. Funeral just got over.

take care man.....please.
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Old 09-06-2014, 01:11 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Opio, I'm just seeing this now, after I responded to you in a Pm.
Now I feel bad I vented to you, obviously you're going through something right now, sorry.
As far as custody goes, You would be surprised who the judge sides with in these cases. If she is as incompetent as she seems, can't get out of bed, doesn't care for the kids like a mother should etc. why not give them to you? Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you're a pathetic loser?
I'm fact, most addicts I know? Are really great ******* people ...and once in recovery , they prove just how strong and amazing they can be!
My father was a crack head growing up and guess what? I felt more loved by him than by my mother who never once told me she loved me or hugged me. That's got to say something.
I hope you're ok though, please check in!
Do you have a plan right now?
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Old 09-06-2014, 02:54 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Thanks so much for the support. I really can't express how liberating this feels. If things are going to improve at home it is now or never. I'm not playing assistant housewife any more after providing everything a wife could ever need. Right now, I am at a rest stop taking a smoke break. It reminds me of Snowflake talking about his car. Even in this situation I refuse to smoke in my car and stink it up.

I think I am 2 or 3 hours away. Looking forward to seeing the Sears tower on the horizon. Also, I think the final destination is going to be Frisco. "If Your Going To San Francisco" played on the radio, and it reminded me about how nice it is there. I'm going to need to get a jacket somewhere along the way. I didn't take anything other than a T-shirt and shorts.

Anybody got any tips on good sobriety friendly places to go in Chicago? I can confidently say that I will absolutely not take any drugs today. I have to steer clear of the booze though.
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Old 09-06-2014, 04:35 PM   #73 (permalink)
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so so very happy to hear from you.
got nothing in tips when it comes to the states.
All my experiences were overseas. I never traveled far during my time with her.
Just circled the state and landed eventually in a motel=peace+sleep.
Staying away from the drugs and booze will get you back on your feet so you can face this better, stronger and faster.

Keep driving.
oxoxox

gotta say Ashamed is spot on. Don't you dare think yer gonna lose everything when you have a wife who has not
only been incapable of stepping up to the plate (when you could ...withdrawling!) but one who has basically abused you left, right and center through this all. I know you've not let go on her many times. Or haven't said so much that could be.
Near 50% of F&F trigger me with their control and abusive nature. I can understand grief. Anger. Bitterness to a extent.
But to live with a person who tears a recovering addict down...and even when they are recovering still tear them down?
THOSE peeps are the bottom barrel feeders. Not you, man. NOT YOU.

yep. Keep driving. Then give the kids a call. xxx

Last edited by Shining~Again; 09-06-2014 at 04:41 PM. Reason: regarding other poster
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Old 09-06-2014, 04:54 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Yay opio! Enjoy! Have a great time! You deserve to live opio.....to really live your life.....to be appreciated and to be loved! You are not a work horse or an ATM machine! You are a very intelligent, interesting, exciting.....humorous and now I can say spontaneous human being! You deserve someone in your life who appreciates you.....who you feel happy to be with! Someone who really cares about you! Just make sure you get yourself the best lawyer and get those little ones out of there too!

Happy and safe travels!
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Old 09-06-2014, 07:14 PM   #75 (permalink)
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hi Opio, i'm really sorry what you're going through right now. I don't really know you so i don't know how old your kids are, but if you haven't done so yet, please, give them a call and let them know that you're okay and where you are! I have been in a similar situation when I was a kid, and it was so scary, so please let them know ok?

Drive safely and take care of yourself!
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Old 09-06-2014, 07:37 PM   #76 (permalink)
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I was too tired to make it to Chicago. I stopped wherever Notre Dame is. The smoke breaks cut into my time I guess. It was hard to find a room because it is a home game versus Michigan. That was all news to me.

My children are 2 and 4 years old. My wife isn't disabled and she can take care of them. She is fully capable when I am not around to play nanny. When I am around though she has these horrible stomach pains. Where I came from it was called "belly aching".
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:10 PM   #77 (permalink)
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"Belly Aching" Our Opio has his sense of humor still !!

I had to sneak back to check on you Mr.

Sorry you didnt make it all the way to Chicago, but its good you didnt push yourself. Now you can rest up because you asked for Sobriety friendly places to go while in Chicago. The Miracle Mile !! woo hooo !! Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, Saks, Kenneth Cole, Gucci, Prada, Armani.. Should I go on ???

Get yourself some pumpkin donuts too. People keep talking about them and I want to locate some tomorrow for myself.

But truly, Im sorry for what happened, and I hated reading those posts up above where you were putting yourself down. The past is over. She may not be able to let it go, but you have to. Your deserve to move beyond and live a great life. The best way to ensure the relationship with your sweet kids is to just stay sober, and the rest will work itself out.

((hugs))
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:32 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Opio.....I had to read through your thread and post.

So, it turns out you are human after all

I wish I had some great advice to offer you, in return for all the advice you have given me, but I do not think I am qualified at this point, as I'm only a couple of months in and chugging along at about the same speed I began at. What I can tell you however, is you are not alone. The feelings, the thoughts, they are all so familiar. There was one sentence that really jumped out at me though:

Quote:
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe View Post
In all honesty though, if I had known that they were going to get me as high as they did, I would have taken it anyway
Yup, I get that. If nothing else, once again you have helped me, without even knowing it. I have been playing that game in my head. Well, I don't like drinking, I've never cared for other drugs - but maybe, just maybe they can fill the whole and allow me to have control over them, as they are not really what I want. You gave it a go, and it failed. As would I, so I thank you for that.

As far as your relationship, I also was in a toxic relationship which is what led to my loss of control over the drugs in the first place. It was easier to use the opiates to put on airs if you will, then to end it. Mind you I did not have children involved, but still stayed tethered to seven years of resentment and hell. I think you have made the right choice there.

Just want you to know I am pulling for you, and to thank you for all the words you have shared to me during my down times. To be honest, I'm pretty sure you know the things you need to do, you certainly don't need to hear them from me. You are doing them, and you will get there. Just know you have my support
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Old 09-07-2014, 12:27 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Eyes - good to hear from you, and good to hear that you are still hanging in there.

I just got to a hotel in Chicago. It is really pretty here today. Much nicer than what I remembered in past visits. Also, I like to think of myself as low maintenance, but the motel in South Bend gets a half star in my book. They have me a discount because I wasn't a Michigan fan so I guess I had that going for me.

I told the wife that I wanted a divorce and offered her everything - house, cars, money, etc. in return for me getting the children. I told her I would rather CPS get the children than her get them. She refused and claims that she understands now. The fact of the matter is that nothing will change with her. I guess I knew that for a long time now, but I still held out some hope that she would change. She wouldn't even get out of bed to let the nanny in this morning. That is the level of laziness that she has grown accustomed to. If there ever was such a thing as 'enabling' then I am the guilty party there. Money was her DOC.

I wonder if there is such a thing as a post-nup agreement? The only way I would go back would be if exact parameters were put down in writing. I know she would never be able to live up to it, and maybe I could get leverage with that in a court. Things like 'I agree to get out of bed before noon for five days out of the week.' Maybe it would help for a custody hearing if they could see that she couldn't meet even the most bare minimum of standards. The funny thing is that now that I am away and she HAS to get her ass out of bed all these belly aches magically went away. Other than the nanny BS she has actually been out of bed doing something.

I told her that I want to speak with my daughter today. She could have told her that I was going on a business trip, but she is trying to use my daughter right now to make me feel guilty for refusing to put up with her BS. I mean come on. She is a 'stay at home mom', and you would have thought that I left for 2 months instead of two days to listen to her whine. How can someone not take care of their children for two days without it being overwhelming?
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:28 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Op, you ok out there?
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