NVRAGAIN3PCT

So it's Wednesday and the kids are off on visitation and instead of having my pills to zonk me out for the rest of the day for a nice little vacation from motherhood and all my other problems I'm here alone.

No boyfriend.

No kids.

Alone.

And it hurts.

Today would be the day my bf would go to the dr. for his script. I know he went. I know if I begged he would bring me some. but I can't.

And I don't know what to do.

I'm so tired from yesterday that I can't seem to do much else but watch tv and cry.

I thought of 'treating' myself to wine and tapas but let's get real...the wine would be the treat. So I didn't go.

I can't stop crying. This is so hard. At first I was too sick to care on a Wed. and my bf was here. Then I was on vacation.

But now I'm alone and I always thought I loved being alone but I guess that's not true.

What am I going to do this weekend when the kids are gone for 3 days???? AND NO BOYFRIEND?

All the pain of the past 3 1/2 years is rushing through me and I can't push it back. And I guess the only way is through it. but I don't know how.

And there is so much I need to do. Such a flippin mess to clean up - financially, the house, my kids, my life, my career..... it's too much to handle in a day. I'm so tired and frozen i can't do much of anything.

But I'm holding on.

I'm on here. I don't have other support here.

And I gained weight on vacation and that may not seem like much to you but to me it is a huge deal and that is upsetting too. Makes me want to get diet pills.

And my STUPID ADDICT BRAIN thinks why not get a nice bottle of wine? It's not an oxy. But do my kids need to come home to that? And besides I'm on some serious meds for bipolar 2.

I'm just here. Just me and my laptop and a house that needs cleaning and a van to be unloaded and I just can't seem to do much of anything.

Just for today....is it really enough? Am I really enough? I can't do this twice so I just have to keep going. My kids need me. I can't go back.

I can't go back.

I can't go back.

Carl help me I can't go back but feel so stuck.

Where do I go from here? I have no idea.

I need help today. FT was right - the realities and routines are rushing at me. Not as badly as before but it's REAL now. my mind is not so clouded. And I'm really alone.

Thank you for listening.

RecoverRN

You ARE enough. Don't get overwhelmed. It's easy to let happen. Just know that even if all you manage to accomplish today is brushing your teeth... THAT is enough. Because instead of using, you brushed your teeth! I'm telling you, I had days (sometimes many in a row) where even that seemed an impossible feat. Coming off of opiates creates incredible depression for me, and i suffered with some of the same types of thoughts you're expressing. I don't know the answers, but I hope that knowing others have been in your shoes helps relieve some of your anxiety. Because it gets better. I never thought I could or would feel better, but after the w/d sx went away and I got on a low dose of antidepressants... it was like a curtain lifted and I felt my life again. Sometimes things still suck, sometimes my energy is still in the dumps, sometimes I still cry or hate my life. But those times are fewer and farther between, and even though I spent a LONG time trying NOT to feel feelings, I'm grateful to feel them now- both good and bad.

Use the alone time to be productive in your recovery. Journal. Go to meetings. Chat on the forums with others in recovery. Read literature on addiction/recovery (I've found doing that is inspiring!)

NVRAGAIN3PCT

screw the pity party.

I made my own new Wed. routine. Made a gourmet dinner for myself sans vino and will take a bubble bath and get ready for bed.

I'm done with today. DONE

Thank Carl

Thank the Universe.

MalcolmBliss

NVR,
You will make it through this. You had the strength to go this far. Don't give up now. Yes to the warm bath, a long one. Make yourself all pruny! Enjoy a movie alone. Take a dump with the door open to the bathroom, hell do whatever you want! you've earned it.
You have a lot of strength left inside you, I can read it in your words. Don't deny yourself that.
Sorry for the dump comment, I just had to try and make you laugh. While you're at it, rip a couple and laugh. Laughter is good for the sould as you probably already know.
Remember, in the end, you will re-learn yourself. It'll be tough, but you can do it!

willowwalt

Hang on NVR - this is a test that you are passing.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Can't stop crying no matter how hard I try.

I guess I'll keep crying until I'm all cried out.

I'm so emotionally raw. I need some support here at home. Guess I'll find some meetings.

Holding on.

Thank you.

Holding on but so freaking hard knowing those damn OXY's are just a 15 wait away.

Dear god

Holding on.

Just today

Holding on

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Mr. Bliss - spoken like a true parent of small children! Woot! I wish you the same as well! lol! no offense taken

Speaking of poo - how great is it off opiates/oxy's and being able to poo again?

SERIOUSLY!?

ok, i've stopped crying for a few minutes.

I'd say I'm doing ok.

I'm holding strong and dear Carl it is taking every single ounce of damn energy I have to do it.

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I am determined to NEVER AGAIN go through withdrawals. I know I don't have it in me. I just don't. Never again. Hence my name Only 3% who kick cold turkey actually stay off opiates for longer than a year without relapse. I am determined to be that 3%. I can't quit now.

i am so tired.

I keep watching Intervention on demand and keep crying. It's so good for me to see. Of course all this crying and I've got a massive headache but by golly I'm here and in my pj's already so that is the end of the day for me. And I shan't be making any texts or calls for any oxy's because I ALREADY CLEARED OUT MY PHONE WHILE ON VACATION! Woot!

go me go me go me...

thank you all so much for hanging out with me this lonely Wednesday. You have no idea how proud I am that I didn't get any wine. Even expensive wine is wine. Right?

Thank Carl.

Thank the Universe.

I'll worry about the weekend when it comes. I already called for NA meetings this weekend. How's that for an atheist? Even I know I need more help than what I have.

peace and blessings to you all

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Yes! A test. And I am going to pass it. I have to.

Thank you so much

Thank Carl

Thank the Universe

oxyious

You aren't alone, you and I are like "addict sisters"... we seem to be going through the same thing in varying degrees.

I don't know you, but I love you as another human being.... Please hang in there. Your PM helped me get through one of my roughest days yet, so please keep them coming, especially if you need the pep talk.

-Brinn

FT

WOW!

I can't believe what happens when I am gone all day!

Hey NVR! I thought only OLD people talked about enjoying going poo! Ha! Well, I guess I should speak for myself....

Well, hey. Other than having sex or jogging, I think crying takes top marks for exhausting you to the place where there isn't much left to do with yourself but go to sleep. Seriously. As much as I hate to start crying, especially if anybody can see my face all screwed up that way, when I am done I am dead tired.

Unfortunately for men, they don't do the crying thing as well as women do. If you think about it, crying is a pretty good stress reliever. Babies and young children do it often, because they have no controls on "holding it together" as we learn to do as we mature.

So, unless you find yourself crying all day, and having no other emotional state except crying, I say let it all out. There was a terrible time in my life where it was thought that someone very very close to me was going to die of a chronic illness, and I was the one who had to be the "rock" that everyone relied upon to take care of this person. This went on for a few years before the situation ended (the person actually recovered), and my only respite from the stress was to go into the bathroom and take a hot bath or very hot shower. I would stand under the steaming water and HOWL, cry until I couldn't cry a moment longer. I hadn't "met" oxycodone at that time of my life, but that situation I just described almost led to my psychological demise.

Another story, another time.

FT

lma249

Hey NVRA,

I'm new to the forums and I've read some of your posts and can relate to a lot of what you're feeling.

I don't have any answers, but I'm praying for you. You'll get through this. My son used to leave on Tuesdays and in the beginning, I felt a lot like you feel today. It gets easier. I remember when instead of one day at a time, it was literally one second at a time. Lately, I'm back to the one second at a time. So, just wanted to send some *hugs* your way and let you know we're all pulling for you!

Take care!

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Ahh yes - Oxyious! My dear sister....we are so alike. You always nail my secret pill behaviors dead on! Almost eerie. Creepy. But it is what made me realize I am an addict.

Thank you for being here. We can struggle and fight the good fight together. I know you are struggling too. You are not alone. You too can do this.

I so admire you for keeping at this no matter what. Trying and trying again.

DON'T STOP.

Peace and blessings to you this day.

Peace and blessings.

Thank you Carl.

Thank the Universe!

NVRAGAIN3PCT

FT - no, don't worry, some of us other folks worry about poo-ing too! And as Mr. Bliss says its even better when not taken in the company of small children standing there watching you!

The crying helped. The headache turned migraine but it was worth it. I feel more relieved today for having done it. And for working through the change of a Wednesday.

To the ex's credit, he has stayed away and says he won't come around until he's clean nor will he 'help' me if I want to use but to me he represents so much drinking and using all kinds of crap and I can't go backwards. Besides, saying he'll stop and stopping are two different things. And I can't worry about him....I gotta worry about ME. and me? ME? I can't go back.

I'd rather learn to be alone again. Even though it hurts.

And not for nothing but being a single mom of an aspie and daughter with health issues is freaking work! I should be thrilled to get a break at all. It's all in my perspective. I need to use the time away from my kids to recharge my batteries so I can be a better mother to them. To be a clean, sober mother who has everything to give. I can't do that if I'm not taking care of myself.

And now the time has come to do that or else I'll die. I'll either overdose (because moderation is not my middle name) or I'll kill myself from the depression.

And so I'm moving on. And it really sucks and it's really hard but I HAVE TO.

It's LIVE OR DIE.

And I choose to live.

As always, FT - thank you for being here. Your wisdom balm to my soul. Your experience paving the way for those like myself who have no idea what to expect.

I thank you for that today.

Peace and blessings to you, my friend.

Peace and blessings.

Thank Carl.

Thank the Universe.

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Thank you so much for this. When they go away I have nightmares. It's awful.

They go on a week's vacation in 2 weeks and it will be a real test to me staying clean and sober because for the life of me I've not done that in 3 years without numbing myself into oblivion.

good lordy I HAD to do all this over the summer didn't I? But I did. And here we are.

I am hoping you are well today....that you are fighting the good fight today.

Peace and blessings to you. Thank you for being here and posting.

Thank the Universe.

RecoverRN

I hope today is a better, easier day for you. Yesterday was hard for me as well. I did not want to use, hardly do anymore, but dealing with my emotions suddenly became very difficult for me. I felt very alone and the whole day felt like one giant anxiety attack. Luckily, I had my group therapy last night and was able to get a few things off my chest. Lately the thought of healing and recovering spiritually seems much more challenging and impossible for me than the thought of not using.

stacylove

Hang in there NVR, you are NOT alone, we are all here. I know exactly how you feel, in fact if you read one of my old threads I wrote about lonliness and I signed off "tired of hugging my pillow at night", totally embarrassing but true. If you need to talk just send me a msg, we have a lot in common. Listening to music and watching TV helps, no matter how unproductive it is. Also, as much I as I hate cleaning, it always puts me in a good mood, don't ask me why
<3 Stacy