Alone. Breaking the Wed. routine.
So it's Wednesday and the kids are off on visitation and instead of having my pills to zonk me out for the rest of the day for a nice little vacation from motherhood and all my other problems I'm here alone.
No boyfriend.
No kids.
Alone.
And it hurts.
Today would be the day my bf would go to the dr. for his script. I know he went. I know if I begged he would bring me some. but I can't.
And I don't know what to do.
I'm so tired from yesterday that I can't seem to do much else but watch tv and cry.
I thought of 'treating' myself to wine and tapas but let's get real...the wine would be the treat. So I didn't go.
I can't stop crying. This is so hard. At first I was too sick to care on a Wed. and my bf was here. Then I was on vacation.
But now I'm alone and I always thought I loved being alone but I guess that's not true.
What am I going to do this weekend when the kids are gone for 3 days???? AND NO BOYFRIEND?
All the pain of the past 3 1/2 years is rushing through me and I can't push it back. And I guess the only way is through it. but I don't know how.
And there is so much I need to do. Such a flippin mess to clean up - financially, the house, my kids, my life, my career..... it's too much to handle in a day. I'm so tired and frozen i can't do much of anything.
But I'm holding on.
I'm on here. I don't have other support here.
And I gained weight on vacation and that may not seem like much to you but to me it is a huge deal and that is upsetting too. Makes me want to get diet pills.
And my STUPID ADDICT BRAIN thinks why not get a nice bottle of wine? It's not an oxy. But do my kids need to come home to that? And besides I'm on some serious meds for bipolar 2.
I'm just here. Just me and my laptop and a house that needs cleaning and a van to be unloaded and I just can't seem to do much of anything.
Just for today....is it really enough? Am I really enough? I can't do this twice so I just have to keep going. My kids need me. I can't go back.
I can't go back.
I can't go back.
Carl help me I can't go back but feel so stuck.
Where do I go from here? I have no idea.
I need help today. FT was right - the realities and routines are rushing at me. Not as badly as before but it's REAL now. my mind is not so clouded. And I'm really alone.
Thank you for listening.