Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
you are not an idiot. it's hard to walk away from someone that we love, and someone we had all these hopes/expectations/dreams for/with.
marriage, raising a family, a house, a loving partnership, forever. that's what we wanted. that's what we worked so hard towards. unfortunately, we ended up being the only ones actually working for it, and that's when you have to walk away.
a relationship is 50/50. both people putting in equal effort in the pursuit of one goal: a happy life with eachother.
you deserve no less than to be with someone who is willing to work just as hard as you. it is possible, there are men like that out there. maybe, one day, your xbf will be that one. but as for now, he seems like he doesn't want to do the other 50 percent. mine doesn't either, so i'm sorry to say we're in the same boat. but hey, atleast we have our sons to look forward to. all the love we get from/give them, that will fill our hearts.
cheer up. your life is just starting, really. =)
marriage, raising a family, a house, a loving partnership, forever. that's what we wanted. that's what we worked so hard towards. unfortunately, we ended up being the only ones actually working for it, and that's when you have to walk away.
a relationship is 50/50. both people putting in equal effort in the pursuit of one goal: a happy life with eachother.
you deserve no less than to be with someone who is willing to work just as hard as you. it is possible, there are men like that out there. maybe, one day, your xbf will be that one. but as for now, he seems like he doesn't want to do the other 50 percent. mine doesn't either, so i'm sorry to say we're in the same boat. but hey, atleast we have our sons to look forward to. all the love we get from/give them, that will fill our hearts.
cheer up. your life is just starting, really. =)
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Khenry))) - you are NOT an idiot. Most of us have done the same thing, over and over, until something in us just says "enough...I can't do this any more". You saw him, and you saw how he's still messing with your mind. He says your single, then kisses you like he's still your man. That's manipulation, sweetie, and he sounds like a pro at it.
Let him go off to his 3/4 house, and you focus on you and your son. Don't beat yourself up because you went to see him. We often NEED to see that the "addict behavior" is still there, despite him being clean, to get it to sink into our heads.
FWIW, my niece's mom didn't put my niece's dad on the birth certificate, either. She is VERY proud to have her mama's last name, considering what her "dad" has been like.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Let him go off to his 3/4 house, and you focus on you and your son. Don't beat yourself up because you went to see him. We often NEED to see that the "addict behavior" is still there, despite him being clean, to get it to sink into our heads.
FWIW, my niece's mom didn't put my niece's dad on the birth certificate, either. She is VERY proud to have her mama's last name, considering what her "dad" has been like.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
yeah its definitely helped seeing the way he can be, even though hes helping himself and everything, he still feels the need to try and hold that power over me, and i wont let him. im learning from my mistakes. i will support him still and be there, but no longer as a significant other. just as the mother of his child.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Khenry))) - sweetie, you are doing GREAT!!! You've already come such a long way, and to do that with raging hormones and an impending birth, you and (((Lizzaayy)) are my heroes
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Kinda wanted to vent and give an update on my situation. Last Monday, we broke up. I was very surprised. He told he he didnt know if he loved me now that hes sober. Well, Saturday I talked to him and was informed hes dating someone already, someone he knew from high school, and went back to blaming me for every relationship problem we had and told me his family thinks that its a good idea to leave me and be with this mystery girl. Also, that hes not attracted to me now that hes sober, his "standards are higher now".
Im coping. I still go to therapy, and Nar-Anon. I havent talked to him since. Im very much hurt by this. I keep telling myself that Im better off, that hes putting up red flags that he isnt taking his recovery seriously; getting a new gf, blaming others, denying hes an addict. I keep going over our entire relationship and asking myself, what was so great about it? What do I love about this guy? And I keep coming up short. What Im confused about is how he could act that drugs could blind him for more than a year, that he could fall in love and compliment me, and tell me all the things he said in that duration, and all of a sudden since hes clean for a month and a half, everything has changed? There were sober times in our relationship that he would express his love, granted not as sweetly or boldy as when he was high. Is this something that happens a lot? An addict gets "clean" and stops loving his significant other and finds himself not attracted to her anymore? I heard theres a chance that I might not love HIM as a sober person, but really? He hasnt even had a fair chance to test our relationship while hes sober, so how the hell would he know? Is he just trying to hurt me?
Im coping. I still go to therapy, and Nar-Anon. I havent talked to him since. Im very much hurt by this. I keep telling myself that Im better off, that hes putting up red flags that he isnt taking his recovery seriously; getting a new gf, blaming others, denying hes an addict. I keep going over our entire relationship and asking myself, what was so great about it? What do I love about this guy? And I keep coming up short. What Im confused about is how he could act that drugs could blind him for more than a year, that he could fall in love and compliment me, and tell me all the things he said in that duration, and all of a sudden since hes clean for a month and a half, everything has changed? There were sober times in our relationship that he would express his love, granted not as sweetly or boldy as when he was high. Is this something that happens a lot? An addict gets "clean" and stops loving his significant other and finds himself not attracted to her anymore? I heard theres a chance that I might not love HIM as a sober person, but really? He hasnt even had a fair chance to test our relationship while hes sober, so how the hell would he know? Is he just trying to hurt me?
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I'm not an expert on this...but from all the stuff you've shared here in this thread it definitely sounds to me like you're better off K.
You deserve better...and I hope you find it soon
D
You deserve better...and I hope you find it soon
D
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Khenry))) - he's STILL not in his right mind, IMO. He's jumped into a new relationship, which they are, strongly recommended NOT to do in rehab, for the first year of sobriety.
We A's tend to lash out at the people closest to us, when, in fact, we are angry with ourselves. You're getting the brunt of his anger at himself.
As far as, was anything real in your relationship? I'm sure there ARE parts, but he doesn't want to think about that, right now...hurts too much.
Also, there IS a good chance you wouldn't like him clean. Some A's get clean, yet we find out they still have "issues" that have nothing to DO with addiction...we think all that stuff goes away when they get clean, and sometimes it doesn't. He may just be an immature guy, not ready to deal with a family.
Though I KNOW it hurts, this is more about him and his issues, getting out of the relationship without dealing with the REAL stuff...he's in denial. The part about him "raising his standards" was a low blow, flat out, but it's coming from someone who, IMO, is acting like a teenager. It's not true, you know it, we know it.
Move forward, and let him try to get his life back on track. "Rehab romances" are common, though it doesn't sound like he found her in rehab, it's still the same thing. He's looking for something to focus on, so he doesn't have to focus on the real issues.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
We A's tend to lash out at the people closest to us, when, in fact, we are angry with ourselves. You're getting the brunt of his anger at himself.
As far as, was anything real in your relationship? I'm sure there ARE parts, but he doesn't want to think about that, right now...hurts too much.
Also, there IS a good chance you wouldn't like him clean. Some A's get clean, yet we find out they still have "issues" that have nothing to DO with addiction...we think all that stuff goes away when they get clean, and sometimes it doesn't. He may just be an immature guy, not ready to deal with a family.
Though I KNOW it hurts, this is more about him and his issues, getting out of the relationship without dealing with the REAL stuff...he's in denial. The part about him "raising his standards" was a low blow, flat out, but it's coming from someone who, IMO, is acting like a teenager. It's not true, you know it, we know it.
Move forward, and let him try to get his life back on track. "Rehab romances" are common, though it doesn't sound like he found her in rehab, it's still the same thing. He's looking for something to focus on, so he doesn't have to focus on the real issues.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
thats what i figured, theres no way this could be about me or anything ive done, just another way for him to place blame on anyone but himself. if it makes him feel better to cast me aside and be with someone else, then there isnt anything i can do but realize hes making more mistakes and isnt going to get better. i may not be perfect, or close to it, but im a good person and girlfriend, and i did more for him than i did for myself. although i know thats codependency, i did it out of love, and if he can turn around and treat the mother of his child like this, then he didnt deserve my love and doesnt anymore. and im sure it wont last with this new girl, and when its over, he will be back at my door because i was the only person who supported him.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Khenry))) - Yes, he WILL most likely be back. That's why it's so important to make sure your boundaries are in place, and you always keep what's best for you and your son, first and foremost.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
i love you kristin!!!
gosh what a mess we got ourselves into, huh?
ahh well.
keep on keepin on, i always say.
you've been much happier lately, and that is the biggest, most positive sign to know you are doing right. =)
gosh what a mess we got ourselves into, huh?
ahh well.
keep on keepin on, i always say.
you've been much happier lately, and that is the biggest, most positive sign to know you are doing right. =)
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i have so much love and gratitude for everyone on this site who helped me. i am happier, although there are times when im still overcome by the sadness of it all.
i love you too lizzie! we didnt cause any of this, we can only make the best of it. we are awesome mommies! <3
i love you too lizzie! we didnt cause any of this, we can only make the best of it. we are awesome mommies! <3
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Lizzaayy))) and (((Khenry))) - you are both doing awesome, IMO. There ARE going to be sad times. It's only natural to grieve for a future that isn't what you'd planned.
I don't know about you, but whenever I've worked through the grief, I become so much more grateful for the good in my life, and I realize how short life is...that it really IS all about making the most of each day.
When we get those moments of peace, serenity, and even happiness, it's like we rediscover ourselves. However, we're much better because of what we've been through. We don't take things for granted, and we know that things don't always turn out the way we want/thought they would.
However, we know that we got through something very painful. We survive, and in both of YOUR cases, you're bringing new life into the world, and have the ability to be there for your sons.
Yes, it's sad that their daddies won't be there, but they (your sons) will know that you put THEM (and you) first, and that means a lot. They'll feel secure in your love. What a gift!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I don't know about you, but whenever I've worked through the grief, I become so much more grateful for the good in my life, and I realize how short life is...that it really IS all about making the most of each day.
When we get those moments of peace, serenity, and even happiness, it's like we rediscover ourselves. However, we're much better because of what we've been through. We don't take things for granted, and we know that things don't always turn out the way we want/thought they would.
However, we know that we got through something very painful. We survive, and in both of YOUR cases, you're bringing new life into the world, and have the ability to be there for your sons.
Yes, it's sad that their daddies won't be there, but they (your sons) will know that you put THEM (and you) first, and that means a lot. They'll feel secure in your love. What a gift!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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So after almost 2 weeks of no contact, he called tonight. I didnt answer, even though I realllllllllllly wanted to. He left a voicemail saying he wanted to see how I was doing and dont worry about calling back tonight, he will try and call me tomorrow. Wtf? I knew he would call, but not this soon. Now Im going to sit here and wonder what the hell he wanted! My guesses are A) He realized hes an ass and misses me, B) He wants to be nice so maybe Ill let him in the delivery room or C) Someone told him to be nice to me. What do you think?
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Khenry))) - honestly? There's no telling what he wants, but my guess is that he doesn't like you pulling away; wants to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, just to keep stringing you along. He MAY legitimately want to know how you are doing, but even if he's been clean for these 2 weeks, that's not nearly enough time to have made the changes he needs to.
I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I would keep my guard up. I think it would be better if you didn't answer the phone, as it will probably do a number on your emotions (it would me). Remember why you went NC in the first place. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. Remember the things he said LAST time you talked to him, and how much they hurt. Do you really want to go there again? Would you really trust anything he says? I know our hearts want to believe it if they say all the right stuff, but our gut usually has this icky feeling about it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I would keep my guard up. I think it would be better if you didn't answer the phone, as it will probably do a number on your emotions (it would me). Remember why you went NC in the first place. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. Remember the things he said LAST time you talked to him, and how much they hurt. Do you really want to go there again? Would you really trust anything he says? I know our hearts want to believe it if they say all the right stuff, but our gut usually has this icky feeling about it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
I am ny no means an expert at relationships. But early in my sobriety I was in a very similar situation. It was then that a very wise man told me this.
"If you buy a Zebra it will never turn into a Giraffe" Hope this helps.
"If you buy a Zebra it will never turn into a Giraffe" Hope this helps.
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
So I heard from my exs brother in law that he is in fact dating a new girl. and she is a recovering addict staying in a group home somewhere near him. I was right about her being like him. I dont know if that makes me feel better or worse. I cant believe his family would approve of him seeing someone who is recovering too, that just spells disaster. I hate them. They "despise" me and push me away when Im carrying a part of their family and only tried to help his recovery, but they welcome this girl with open arms?
Not that I really care anymore what happens to him. But then, why the hell did he call me? All it did was bring back the anger and hurt I was trying so hard (successfully) to get over and focus on everything else. I know he will call again, and I will really want to just tell him to not call me, I want nothing to do with him and his drama. Even though I hate to admit it made me feel good to know he was trying to get ahold of me, thinking he misses me and all of that.
I hate how confusing this all is. I feel like Im right back at the beginning again. Im so disgusted and hurt all over again, and I hate being angry but I cant help it.
Not that I really care anymore what happens to him. But then, why the hell did he call me? All it did was bring back the anger and hurt I was trying so hard (successfully) to get over and focus on everything else. I know he will call again, and I will really want to just tell him to not call me, I want nothing to do with him and his drama. Even though I hate to admit it made me feel good to know he was trying to get ahold of me, thinking he misses me and all of that.
I hate how confusing this all is. I feel like Im right back at the beginning again. Im so disgusted and hurt all over again, and I hate being angry but I cant help it.
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