Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
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(((Khenry))) - you're not pitiful OR pathetic! Dealing with an A is hard, and I AM an RA, but it's still hard.
One thing I do want to point out. I wouldn't so much "bite my tongue" in fear of what it would do to his recovery. You have a right to your feelings and I didn't say "enough of throwing it in my face" until MONTHS in recovery, and only because it wasn't my addiction or behaviors that were even being discussed.
I listened, when my family talked about the pain I'd caused. It wasn't so much blame, but just sharing what they went through (I basically dropped out of the picture, was living on the streets for a couple of years). Yes, it hurt, but it also made me MORE determined to never do that again.
I had left my XABF, as he continued using. We only kept in touch, by mail, when he was locked up. I had to set boundaries of what I'd put up with. Don't ask me for money, you won't get it; I love you but we will never be together again because I can't trust you, etc. I shared MY recovery, in hopes that it would inspire him to finally do something but he didn't and he died in Dec. in a crack house.
I know, without a doubt, that I did all I could, and I did it with love. I do the same with the other A's in my life, and our relationship is actually much better, though they aren't as extreme as XABF.
Codependent No More is awesome. I read it, years ago, with my FIRST XABF (I have 3
) and wasn't ready to do anything about my codie-ness. It took MY addiction and years of dysfunctional relationships to finally see that I was miserable, and ready to do something.
Part of his recovery is dealing with the consequences of his using. Don't worry about doing something that will cause him to relapse. If he relapses, that's HIS choice. I've dealt with loss of a nursing career, extreme financial struggles, family deaths, and being robbed at gunpoint, twice, at work, among other things. I dealt with all of this, with the help of SR and my recovery friends, because my recovery is my priority.
He will do what he will do. I pray he finds recovery and embraces you and his son, but it's in his hands. All WE can do is take care of us, but that's a huge thing.
BTW, MOST loved one's of A's resent the fact that they're in rehab, taking care of them but we are left behind to deal with life. We've often said WE want a codie rehab, so WE can get a break, too. It's not a bad thing to think, it's "normal"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
One thing I do want to point out. I wouldn't so much "bite my tongue" in fear of what it would do to his recovery. You have a right to your feelings and I didn't say "enough of throwing it in my face" until MONTHS in recovery, and only because it wasn't my addiction or behaviors that were even being discussed.
I listened, when my family talked about the pain I'd caused. It wasn't so much blame, but just sharing what they went through (I basically dropped out of the picture, was living on the streets for a couple of years). Yes, it hurt, but it also made me MORE determined to never do that again.
I had left my XABF, as he continued using. We only kept in touch, by mail, when he was locked up. I had to set boundaries of what I'd put up with. Don't ask me for money, you won't get it; I love you but we will never be together again because I can't trust you, etc. I shared MY recovery, in hopes that it would inspire him to finally do something but he didn't and he died in Dec. in a crack house.
I know, without a doubt, that I did all I could, and I did it with love. I do the same with the other A's in my life, and our relationship is actually much better, though they aren't as extreme as XABF.
Codependent No More is awesome. I read it, years ago, with my FIRST XABF (I have 3
) and wasn't ready to do anything about my codie-ness. It took MY addiction and years of dysfunctional relationships to finally see that I was miserable, and ready to do something.Part of his recovery is dealing with the consequences of his using. Don't worry about doing something that will cause him to relapse. If he relapses, that's HIS choice. I've dealt with loss of a nursing career, extreme financial struggles, family deaths, and being robbed at gunpoint, twice, at work, among other things. I dealt with all of this, with the help of SR and my recovery friends, because my recovery is my priority.
He will do what he will do. I pray he finds recovery and embraces you and his son, but it's in his hands. All WE can do is take care of us, but that's a huge thing.
BTW, MOST loved one's of A's resent the fact that they're in rehab, taking care of them but we are left behind to deal with life. We've often said WE want a codie rehab, so WE can get a break, too. It's not a bad thing to think, it's "normal"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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When I was in rehab they stressed not getting into a new relationship. They were very supportive of family and wives and girlfriends that were clean themselves and not using drugs. The rehab thinking is for the addict to not get into a new relationship because it takes the focus off them working on themselves and we are as newly clean addicts very friable emotionally. They mainly don't want people getting clean and going back to friends and family that are in active addiction because it's way to tempting and stressful to stay clean when everyone else is messed up and the drugs are lying around. Rehabs don't want to split up supportive relationships that were in existence prior to rehab. If he's telling you this either he doesn't understand what the counselors mean or he's wanting out.
You on the other hand need to find support for yourself in this time, you can't depend on what he will or won't do, you can't make a person be clean unless they want to be clean and sometimes living in a homeless shelter is a consequence the addict needs to decide it's time they get help and get to living a better life. His family may have been through the ringer with him and it doesn't mean they aren't supportive, it could just mean that they realize nothing they say or do will make much difference until he wants recovery truly and for himself. They've wisely allowed him the space to make his own decision as to where his "bottom" is on drugs. I hope the best for you and your child. Save your energy for rest and moving forward with your life regardless of what he does.
You on the other hand need to find support for yourself in this time, you can't depend on what he will or won't do, you can't make a person be clean unless they want to be clean and sometimes living in a homeless shelter is a consequence the addict needs to decide it's time they get help and get to living a better life. His family may have been through the ringer with him and it doesn't mean they aren't supportive, it could just mean that they realize nothing they say or do will make much difference until he wants recovery truly and for himself. They've wisely allowed him the space to make his own decision as to where his "bottom" is on drugs. I hope the best for you and your child. Save your energy for rest and moving forward with your life regardless of what he does.
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meditation- He never said that the therapist told him to not be in a relationship, i just assumed they mentioned something. thats what i thought was so strange about it because im not a user, not really a drinker, i have no addictions and ive been supportive, so i dont think i would do any damage to his recovery. i know his dad has had enough of him having these problems and not doing anything, although his dad says hes proud hes in rehab but he doesnt want to talk to him. his mom is just... lazy for lack of a better word. shes done things for him in the past with his addiction and never really followed through, and would enable and trust him too soon, giving him money and so forth.
impurrfect- im sorry to hear about your ex, that is tragic and something no one should have to deal with. and i agree, a rehab for people like me would be great since we need so much help and reassurance after something like that. i was thinking of calling his rehab and seeing if they would by chance do a counseling session with me and him together, see if they could shed some light and give some advice. we did that a little with his outpatient he was doing before and it worked somewhat.
im kinda bummed i didnt get to talk to him tonight. they turn the phones on 3 times a day, but from 915-11pm is when he doesnt have any therapy so thats when he calls. i guess the lines were so long.
impurrfect- im sorry to hear about your ex, that is tragic and something no one should have to deal with. and i agree, a rehab for people like me would be great since we need so much help and reassurance after something like that. i was thinking of calling his rehab and seeing if they would by chance do a counseling session with me and him together, see if they could shed some light and give some advice. we did that a little with his outpatient he was doing before and it worked somewhat.
im kinda bummed i didnt get to talk to him tonight. they turn the phones on 3 times a day, but from 915-11pm is when he doesnt have any therapy so thats when he calls. i guess the lines were so long.
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[QUOTE=khenry;2699055]meditation- He never said that the therapist told him to not be in a relationship, i just assumed they mentioned something.
I just realized Im contradicting myself here.
What he said was he talked to his therapist today (monday) for the first time. Then he brought up not being in a relationship and etc, so I assumed the therapist told him something about our relationship.
I just realized Im contradicting myself here.
What he said was he talked to his therapist today (monday) for the first time. Then he brought up not being in a relationship and etc, so I assumed the therapist told him something about our relationship.
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Rehab patients are encouraged to put their sobriety first, regardless of personal relationships. This doesn't mean that they should separate from their spouse or long-term personal relationship, but that they should be aware of pitfalls that can deter their progress. If he chooses to do this, then you have to decide if you want to stand back and let him work on his recovery, or if you are not willing to do that. Just as he has decisions to make, so do you.
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I think what you have to realize, is that the person you know and love. Is a user. When, and if he gets better, he will not be that same person that you once knew. You said his mother was an enabler, but you dont realize that you yourself are one as well. When you talk about the fact that you are the only person to urge him to go to treatment, and that you drove him to the rehab etc.. it YOU want him to go. HE does not want to go. Until the day comes where HE would go, on his own..no help from anyone..will he have a chance.I can recommend a movie i had just seen a little while ago. "When a man loves a woman" Its about alcoholism..but alot of the behavior..and the relationship situation will be relate able.
I can tell you this, my brother is addicted to Oxycodone, and i am an alchoholic..so i have not only seen and heard all the b.s. i am also a part of it.
I have a 3 year old son who loves me to death, and i love him. The mother, of course left me..and she has moved on.
My advice, is to let him get better. From what i can tell..if he goes back to his old tricks..you will fall for them again...because you want to believe he can change so bad..that you may be blind to the truth.
I can tell you this, my brother is addicted to Oxycodone, and i am an alchoholic..so i have not only seen and heard all the b.s. i am also a part of it.
I have a 3 year old son who loves me to death, and i love him. The mother, of course left me..and she has moved on.
My advice, is to let him get better. From what i can tell..if he goes back to his old tricks..you will fall for them again...because you want to believe he can change so bad..that you may be blind to the truth.
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Hittman, youre right. I was an enabler because I always believed he would get better, and I always stuck up for him and his behaviors, even knowing they were wrong and that i shouldnt.
Impurrfect- I read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-1-a-2.html
After reading the lists, I would place myself in at least 3 of those categories. and alot of those examples are me to a T. so what does that mean, if im a codependent? does that only apply to the relationship with an addict? what do you do to help yourself for this? should i cut off contact with him? im so utterly confused right now, but it feels good to know a term to describe myself.
Impurrfect- I read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-1-a-2.html
After reading the lists, I would place myself in at least 3 of those categories. and alot of those examples are me to a T. so what does that mean, if im a codependent? does that only apply to the relationship with an addict? what do you do to help yourself for this? should i cut off contact with him? im so utterly confused right now, but it feels good to know a term to describe myself.
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Impurrfect will probably be along soon to help you, she is a great source of compassion, knowledge and understanding.
I do know that codependency is something that can have absolutely nothing to do with addiction, it usually is something learned in families, part of family dynamics and behaviors. We want to fix the world and give advice and make others conform to how we want things to be, and we will be frustrated, feeling like our expectations haven't been met, feel let down because we set ourselves up for impossible realities. We can't control anybody, we can try but it usually doesn't end well. Think of all kinds of situations with people that don't have anything to do with addictions. Controlling co-workers to be what we expect them to be and we can be our own worst enemy. We seem to love to be victims of other people and we aren't in reality. Other people see we have no boundaries and we allow things that we should not allow. It's about boundaries, healthy boundaries.
I do know that codependency is something that can have absolutely nothing to do with addiction, it usually is something learned in families, part of family dynamics and behaviors. We want to fix the world and give advice and make others conform to how we want things to be, and we will be frustrated, feeling like our expectations haven't been met, feel let down because we set ourselves up for impossible realities. We can't control anybody, we can try but it usually doesn't end well. Think of all kinds of situations with people that don't have anything to do with addictions. Controlling co-workers to be what we expect them to be and we can be our own worst enemy. We seem to love to be victims of other people and we aren't in reality. Other people see we have no boundaries and we allow things that we should not allow. It's about boundaries, healthy boundaries.
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(((Khenry))) - ((Med)) described codependency, pretty darned well. I'm convinced, for whatever reason, I was BORN that way. I had a fairly happy, healthy childhood, NO addiction except for a couple of uncles, and they lived in CA so I was rarely exposed to them.
Again, I'll recommend the book "Codependent No More" because a LOT of the people who read it, had no idea that what they were doing isn't healthy. I knew SOMETHING was wrong with me, but had no idea it was codependency. Because I never did anything about it, I've only been in 3 relationships (one for more than 20 years) and ALL of them where with A's.
I know you're confused, but the book would really help, as would reading on the F&F forum. I would read something and think "oh wow, I didn't know that wasn't a good thing to do!!!"
When we learn to put ourselves (and for you, your son) first, to set healthy boundaries, our whole life changes. I still slip (we call it progress, not perfection) but I'm quicker at catching myself and getting back on track. I work in a dysfunctional place, no one is an A, that I know of, yet my codie-recovery has kept me from being totally wrapped up in the drama and chaos (most of the time).
When we truly love OURSELVES, enforce boundaries and stand up for ourselves, we're able to love others so much more, and in a healthier way.
Only you can decide what's the best course of action for you. By learning everything you can about codependency, and setting boundaries, you'll be okay, sweetie, no matter what he does, as will your son, because he'll have a good role model!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Again, I'll recommend the book "Codependent No More" because a LOT of the people who read it, had no idea that what they were doing isn't healthy. I knew SOMETHING was wrong with me, but had no idea it was codependency. Because I never did anything about it, I've only been in 3 relationships (one for more than 20 years) and ALL of them where with A's.
I know you're confused, but the book would really help, as would reading on the F&F forum. I would read something and think "oh wow, I didn't know that wasn't a good thing to do!!!"
When we learn to put ourselves (and for you, your son) first, to set healthy boundaries, our whole life changes. I still slip (we call it progress, not perfection) but I'm quicker at catching myself and getting back on track. I work in a dysfunctional place, no one is an A, that I know of, yet my codie-recovery has kept me from being totally wrapped up in the drama and chaos (most of the time).
When we truly love OURSELVES, enforce boundaries and stand up for ourselves, we're able to love others so much more, and in a healthier way.
Only you can decide what's the best course of action for you. By learning everything you can about codependency, and setting boundaries, you'll be okay, sweetie, no matter what he does, as will your son, because he'll have a good role model!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Its depressing and relieving all in one. I am so afraid of him leaving me that I do everything I can do to try and prevent it, and I call it helping him. Im afraid to do this myself and thats why I put up with so much. Although there are some boundaries with him, I let him slide for a long time. I hope rehab helps him, and I will be here for him when he gets out, but everyone is right. I need to focus on feeling better and working on this new revelation so I can be a better mother and person.
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khenry .. if my girlfrend hadent been there for me i dred to think were i would be now
from an addicts perspective she saved me from myself .. but she was realy tough on me . my higher power so to speek.. and she still is realy tough on me were drugs are consernd . i now if i touch a drug its over .. and she is more to me than drugs ...
im not saying you have to be like that but be strong with him ..
from an addicts perspective she saved me from myself .. but she was realy tough on me . my higher power so to speek.. and she still is realy tough on me were drugs are consernd . i now if i touch a drug its over .. and she is more to me than drugs ...
im not saying you have to be like that but be strong with him ..
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jazz, how long has it been since youve used? im happy for you that you were lucky to have someone who loved you enough to help you help yourself, and shes lucky that you love her that much. and thats how i look at it, if i wasnt here for my bf, he would be on the streets or worse. hopefully someday he will look at it like you look at your situation, that i saved him, or tried to.
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Originally Posted by khenry 
jazz, how long has it been since youve used? im happy for you that you were lucky to have someone who loved you enough to help you help yourself, and shes lucky that you love her that much. and thats how i look at it, if i wasnt here for my bf, he would be on the streets or worse. hopefully someday he will look at it like you look at your situation, that i saved him, or tried to.
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congratulations on the years clean. how did you do it? any other tips for me to go by once he gets out? we havent been together nearly as long, actually only a little over a year, but i love him like ive known him all my life.
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Sorry to hear that, its not a good situation. Is he in rehab or anything now? My bf was using for years before I met him, had quit a couple times did home detox and such, but i never knew any of this til i caught him one morning.
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