Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
First off, I am a newcomer to the site and am learning much by reading other posts, but I need a more personalized opinion. Thank you in advance for reading and responding.
The facts: Even before I met my boyfriend and the father of my baby due in November, hes been an addict, and he hid it quite well. His choice at first was pills, but that quickly moved to heroin, and he always smoked pot (which I will admit I never had a problem with until recently). I found out he was a user one morning while he was shooting up in his car before work. Days later, his first day at the methadone clinic, he totaled his car and almost died. Thats when he got help at an outpatient rehab.
He soon fell back into his old ways of lying about borrowing money and where hes been going and etc, the usual Im told. It got so bad that when he failed a drug test I made him take, I finally gave him an ultimatum: Rehab or nothing, no me, no son, nothing. So we signed him up for Greenbriar, where he has been only for four days.
Heres my dillema (other than the obvious): Throughout our ENTIRE relationship, I have been the one and only person to urge him to get help for his problem. His family, except mother who is more of an enabler than anything, have disowned him. I have stood by him and kept faith and did everything I could so that he could be a better person for himself, me, and our son. In fact, if it wasnt for me convincing him to get help at inpatient rehab, he would be in a homeless shelter, or worse. Well, I do get to talk to him once a day when he can call, and Im invited to come Wednesday evenings to family counseling then have a visit, which I will be doing tomorrow. Last night he calls and tells me that his therapist says that he should not be in a relationship because it will be a "distraction" to him getting better once he is out, and he doesnt want the extra stress. I understand him wanting to focus on himself and making his life right and etc, but how would the person who stood by him this whole time, drove him to rehab, showed her support and love no matter what, and is having his child be a distraction? Is this really what they tell people in these places?
Someone please help me make sense of this, since I dont have much experience with addicts and situations like this. I know he is probably confused and needs to find himself, but that really hurt my feelings. Thank you again.
The facts: Even before I met my boyfriend and the father of my baby due in November, hes been an addict, and he hid it quite well. His choice at first was pills, but that quickly moved to heroin, and he always smoked pot (which I will admit I never had a problem with until recently). I found out he was a user one morning while he was shooting up in his car before work. Days later, his first day at the methadone clinic, he totaled his car and almost died. Thats when he got help at an outpatient rehab.
He soon fell back into his old ways of lying about borrowing money and where hes been going and etc, the usual Im told. It got so bad that when he failed a drug test I made him take, I finally gave him an ultimatum: Rehab or nothing, no me, no son, nothing. So we signed him up for Greenbriar, where he has been only for four days.
Heres my dillema (other than the obvious): Throughout our ENTIRE relationship, I have been the one and only person to urge him to get help for his problem. His family, except mother who is more of an enabler than anything, have disowned him. I have stood by him and kept faith and did everything I could so that he could be a better person for himself, me, and our son. In fact, if it wasnt for me convincing him to get help at inpatient rehab, he would be in a homeless shelter, or worse. Well, I do get to talk to him once a day when he can call, and Im invited to come Wednesday evenings to family counseling then have a visit, which I will be doing tomorrow. Last night he calls and tells me that his therapist says that he should not be in a relationship because it will be a "distraction" to him getting better once he is out, and he doesnt want the extra stress. I understand him wanting to focus on himself and making his life right and etc, but how would the person who stood by him this whole time, drove him to rehab, showed her support and love no matter what, and is having his child be a distraction? Is this really what they tell people in these places?
Someone please help me make sense of this, since I dont have much experience with addicts and situations like this. I know he is probably confused and needs to find himself, but that really hurt my feelings. Thank you again.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Khenry))) - welcome to SR!!
Just so you know, I'm an RA (recovering addict), and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts.
Usually, they say don't get into a NEW relationship for the first year of recovery. Recovery is a lot of work, we get hit with emotions that we've numbed out for a long time, and it's a pretty emotional time. Getting clean is WAY more about quitting the dope.
If he decides he needs "a break" in your relationship, listen to him. No, it's not fair, but if he really feels that way, and comes home anyway, it could be a rocky road.
A lot of people here go to al-anon or nar-anon (one is for friends/family if alcoholics the other of drug users, but al-anon usually has a LOT more meetings and friends/family of drug users have gotten help there).
I mention this because while he's working on himself, you need to be working on you. Addiction is a family disease and it affects all who are around the A (addict). We can hope and pray that he comes out, wanting recovery with all he's got, and he keeps it up.
Reality is, we're A's for life. If we don't work at our recovery, every single day, we can relapse.
You are bringing a new life into this world, and I know you want him to be there, be the dad he can be, etc. However, you have to accept that he may not stay clean. He has to want it for himself, not because you told him "rehab or get out". I'm not saying that's a bad thing, most people here have done that. Rehab is good, but all it does is give him the tools to use in his recovery. It's totally up to him to keep it up.
You can't keep him clean. If we could love our A's clean, there would be no need for SR. By getting support for yourself (whether here, and/or meetings, etc.) you'll learn to step back (detach) and let him work his own recovery.
We HAVE to take care of ourselves. If we get wrapped up in the A, they can drag us down.
He's going through a lot of emotions, but if he feels he needs space, then I'd give it to him, despite how unfair it is, with you having been there for him and soon to have his child. If he comes home, but isn't ready, he's going to build a resentment, and if anything bad were to happen (like a relapse), it would most likely be "all your fault" in his mind. It's not TRUE, but it does hurt to hear.
I recommend that you keep reading posts here and learn about boundaries. Decide what you want for you and your baby's life, what you will and won't tolerate, etc. Let him do what he's doing in rehab, family support meetings are good, but support for just YOU is even better.
Living with an A is hard, but the great people here have been-there-done-that and are a wealth of ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Just so you know, I'm an RA (recovering addict), and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts.
Usually, they say don't get into a NEW relationship for the first year of recovery. Recovery is a lot of work, we get hit with emotions that we've numbed out for a long time, and it's a pretty emotional time. Getting clean is WAY more about quitting the dope.
If he decides he needs "a break" in your relationship, listen to him. No, it's not fair, but if he really feels that way, and comes home anyway, it could be a rocky road.
A lot of people here go to al-anon or nar-anon (one is for friends/family if alcoholics the other of drug users, but al-anon usually has a LOT more meetings and friends/family of drug users have gotten help there).
I mention this because while he's working on himself, you need to be working on you. Addiction is a family disease and it affects all who are around the A (addict). We can hope and pray that he comes out, wanting recovery with all he's got, and he keeps it up.
Reality is, we're A's for life. If we don't work at our recovery, every single day, we can relapse.
You are bringing a new life into this world, and I know you want him to be there, be the dad he can be, etc. However, you have to accept that he may not stay clean. He has to want it for himself, not because you told him "rehab or get out". I'm not saying that's a bad thing, most people here have done that. Rehab is good, but all it does is give him the tools to use in his recovery. It's totally up to him to keep it up.
You can't keep him clean. If we could love our A's clean, there would be no need for SR. By getting support for yourself (whether here, and/or meetings, etc.) you'll learn to step back (detach) and let him work his own recovery.
We HAVE to take care of ourselves. If we get wrapped up in the A, they can drag us down.
He's going through a lot of emotions, but if he feels he needs space, then I'd give it to him, despite how unfair it is, with you having been there for him and soon to have his child. If he comes home, but isn't ready, he's going to build a resentment, and if anything bad were to happen (like a relapse), it would most likely be "all your fault" in his mind. It's not TRUE, but it does hurt to hear.
I recommend that you keep reading posts here and learn about boundaries. Decide what you want for you and your baby's life, what you will and won't tolerate, etc. Let him do what he's doing in rehab, family support meetings are good, but support for just YOU is even better.
Living with an A is hard, but the great people here have been-there-done-that and are a wealth of ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Welcome to SR khenry
I can't put it any better than Impurrfect did...I agree with her 100%.
I don't know what your bf will be thinking and feeling when he gets out, but you need to decide what's good and what's not good for you.
Put the focus on you.
Do check out our Family and Friends forum as well - you'll find a lot of people down there who know exactly what you're going through.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
I can't put it any better than Impurrfect did...I agree with her 100%.
I don't know what your bf will be thinking and feeling when he gets out, but you need to decide what's good and what's not good for you.
Put the focus on you.
Do check out our Family and Friends forum as well - you'll find a lot of people down there who know exactly what you're going through.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Middle of MO
Posts: 666
Welcome! It sounds as though the guy is in the best spot he can be. Only he can do his own recovery, nothing you do can make him go either way. Your best (and only) option is to take care of yourself. Check out some Al-Anon meetings to learn about the disease and how to take care of yourself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Its all very confusing. Part of me keeps telling myself "he cant do it without your help", the other part says "stay away and let him handle his own". Im sure you all know this, but its hard when you love someone so much and its like theres nothing you can do for them but watch. I just dont want him to forget about me and how I want the world for him. So I guess I should just show my support and love and hope he sees this if he straightens up?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I just want to sat how sorry I am for you. Your expecting a baby, hormones all over the place, the thought of giving birth and then this happens.
Is this your first baby?
Personally I think he's selfish.
However, from my own experience, looking after a baby is hard.
Doing it with someone who does not want to be there though (whatever the reason) is even harder.
I did it for three months on my own. The lack of sleep was brutal. Somedays I was so tired I cried. But I did it and I will always be proud that I did it.
My daughter is amazing. She crawled early, she's happy, she's loving. And I helped her do that and be like that.
You never ever get that first year of a babies life back and all the milestones.
I think you need to focus on you and that amazing baby boy who is going to turn your world upside down. Who you will love so much and will bring you so much happiness.
If you can, let him sort his own problems out.
I think that he will fall head over heels in love with the baby when he arrives and won't forget you.
Wishing you lots of love
xx
Is this your first baby?
Personally I think he's selfish.
However, from my own experience, looking after a baby is hard.
Doing it with someone who does not want to be there though (whatever the reason) is even harder.
I did it for three months on my own. The lack of sleep was brutal. Somedays I was so tired I cried. But I did it and I will always be proud that I did it.
My daughter is amazing. She crawled early, she's happy, she's loving. And I helped her do that and be like that.
You never ever get that first year of a babies life back and all the milestones.
I think you need to focus on you and that amazing baby boy who is going to turn your world upside down. Who you will love so much and will bring you so much happiness.
If you can, let him sort his own problems out.
I think that he will fall head over heels in love with the baby when he arrives and won't forget you.
Wishing you lots of love
xx
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
He might be afraid of the upcoming responsibility. I think he is taking what he hears and twisting it, so he can escape. Maybe he will come around with time. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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Yes this is my first, and his also. I told him that I love him and will support him no matter what he thinks is best, but to not forget the people who loved him enough to help him. I know he will be there for his son whether we are together or not, but it would be easier on everyone if we were a family and not divided. I saw him tonight and he seems to know what he has to do to get better, which is good after only 6 days of rehab. So Im going to stand back and let him do his thing, because there isnt much else I can do.
Thank you for the kind words. My son is my top priority right now, along with my own health, so Im trying not to stress much about this. Its just hard because Ive never been in this situation before, and its very confusing, and like Sasha said, mixed with the pregnancy and hormones and regular stress, it feels like my world is caving in.
Would you suggest I go to NA meetings by myself? Or maybe just a therapist? They say loved ones affected by anothers addiction should find help also. Thats mainly why I found this site.
Thank you for the kind words. My son is my top priority right now, along with my own health, so Im trying not to stress much about this. Its just hard because Ive never been in this situation before, and its very confusing, and like Sasha said, mixed with the pregnancy and hormones and regular stress, it feels like my world is caving in.
Would you suggest I go to NA meetings by myself? Or maybe just a therapist? They say loved ones affected by anothers addiction should find help also. Thats mainly why I found this site.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
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Hi K - Since he's only been in rehab 4 days, he's probably not able to make alot of decisions right now, but it will get better as time goes on. Perhaps since you are invited to the Wednesday evening family meetings, you could bring up the question about relationships with one of the counselors there.
I highly doubt that they would suggest cutting off an ongoing relationship (Impurrfect is right that they suggest not entering into a new one, though). Hopefully you and he will have time to talk at a later date. If I were you I wouldn't jump to conclusions quite yet.
I feel for you - your guy is lucky to have such a supportive and loving person behind him.
I highly doubt that they would suggest cutting off an ongoing relationship (Impurrfect is right that they suggest not entering into a new one, though). Hopefully you and he will have time to talk at a later date. If I were you I wouldn't jump to conclusions quite yet.
I feel for you - your guy is lucky to have such a supportive and loving person behind him.
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Location: Atlanta
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((Khenry)) - NA meetings are for the addicts. Al-anon and nar-anon are for the family. A therapist is also a very good idea, and if you go that route, I'd try to find one who is familiar with addiction.
It takes quite a while for we A's to "rewire" our brains. It doesn't happen in a few days, or even a few weeks. We usually ARE very remorseful, ready to do better, but when the stress of "life" happens, our first instinct is to get high, and it takes time to work our recovery, not give in, and find out that life is pretty darned good without the dope.
As someone who has loved one's who are A's, it also takes time (and hard work) to not want to step in and take over....to try to "help", which is usually the worst thing we can do. That's why meetings, a therapist, SR, supportive friends/family can help so much.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It takes quite a while for we A's to "rewire" our brains. It doesn't happen in a few days, or even a few weeks. We usually ARE very remorseful, ready to do better, but when the stress of "life" happens, our first instinct is to get high, and it takes time to work our recovery, not give in, and find out that life is pretty darned good without the dope.
As someone who has loved one's who are A's, it also takes time (and hard work) to not want to step in and take over....to try to "help", which is usually the worst thing we can do. That's why meetings, a therapist, SR, supportive friends/family can help so much.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Artsoul- Yeah, I know it hasnt been that long for him in there. I figured he will sort all of this out. I did ask him if the counselors/therapists said anything to him about what will happen once the baby is born, and he said no. Apparently its all group sessions, no one-on-ones. So next Wednesday I will have to bring up the subject of how his newborn son will affect his recovery, and what i should and shouldnt do to help. I think he is feeling ashamed and self pity, thats why he thinks I would be better off without him, but I told him I deserve to have the father of my child clean and with me and our son as a family like we planned, so I will do whatever it takes. And thank you, hopefully someday he will realize how lucky he was to have someone like me around (not to sound like a snob haha)
Impurrfect- thank you for clarifying that, they talked about the meetings yesterday but i wasnt understanding it clearly enough. i think that will help immensely, to be able to ask questions and get answers and vent about how it affects me. this site is amazing because all your replies have made me come to terms a bit and settle down a ton.
Whats hard is that in this situation, we have no control. We cant just MAKE the addict quit, so matter what we do or say. So thats what I really need to become comfortable with is that he will do this on his own (hopefully) and come around to me and be a good person. He was talking about halfway and 3/4 way houses, how do those work? And if he was in one, would they let him out to come to the hospital to see the birth of his child? More time away would be very hard on me, but its not about me, its about him. He also said hes not ready to come home, he doesnt want to have to deal with people when he gets out. Hes talking about moving out of state. Did any of you feel you had to move far away to deal? If you didnt move, how did you deal being in areas that were so drug/alcohol familiar to you?
Impurrfect- thank you for clarifying that, they talked about the meetings yesterday but i wasnt understanding it clearly enough. i think that will help immensely, to be able to ask questions and get answers and vent about how it affects me. this site is amazing because all your replies have made me come to terms a bit and settle down a ton.
Whats hard is that in this situation, we have no control. We cant just MAKE the addict quit, so matter what we do or say. So thats what I really need to become comfortable with is that he will do this on his own (hopefully) and come around to me and be a good person. He was talking about halfway and 3/4 way houses, how do those work? And if he was in one, would they let him out to come to the hospital to see the birth of his child? More time away would be very hard on me, but its not about me, its about him. He also said hes not ready to come home, he doesnt want to have to deal with people when he gets out. Hes talking about moving out of state. Did any of you feel you had to move far away to deal? If you didnt move, how did you deal being in areas that were so drug/alcohol familiar to you?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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[QUOTE=khenry;2697503]
More time away would be very hard on me, but its not about me, its about him.
Honey at the moment it is ALL ABOUT YOU!
You are going to have his baby!!!!
He, in my mind, should be on bended knees, working his backside off to be clean, so that he can be a part of this child's life and be a supportive partner to you.
You should not be worrying if he is going to be there, where he is going to be living, if he wants to be with you.
If anything he should be so, so concerned that his actions have led to this at such a crucial point in your and his sons life.
Please, please, please put you and your son first.
Don't spend those first precious months worrying about him. He is a grown man who can take care of himself. You will have a beautiful baby boy who needs you to take care of him.
Please take care of yourself.
xx
More time away would be very hard on me, but its not about me, its about him.
Honey at the moment it is ALL ABOUT YOU!
You are going to have his baby!!!!
He, in my mind, should be on bended knees, working his backside off to be clean, so that he can be a part of this child's life and be a supportive partner to you.
You should not be worrying if he is going to be there, where he is going to be living, if he wants to be with you.
If anything he should be so, so concerned that his actions have led to this at such a crucial point in your and his sons life.
Please, please, please put you and your son first.
Don't spend those first precious months worrying about him. He is a grown man who can take care of himself. You will have a beautiful baby boy who needs you to take care of him.
Please take care of yourself.
xx
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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[QUOTE=khenry;2697503] So next Wednesday I will have to bring up the subject of how his newborn son will affect his recovery, and what i should and shouldnt do to help.
To me, you need to be seeing it as 'how his recovery will affect his newborn son'.
If he does not work really hard on it, then his son will suffer. End of.
Whats hard is that in this situation, we have no control.
You have control of it. You really do.
XX
To me, you need to be seeing it as 'how his recovery will affect his newborn son'.
If he does not work really hard on it, then his son will suffer. End of.
Whats hard is that in this situation, we have no control.
You have control of it. You really do.
XX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Yes, it is selfish and he should be more concerned with me and the baby, but from what Ive seen is addicts are self centered and only care about themselves... thats why I want him to get better so badly so he will see clearly the things he has done wrong and in turn bust his a$$ trying to make it up to me and his son. And I have control over what I can do, and I cant bring myself to just walk away from him. Im sure that can only have negative affects and not positive. What Id love is control over him and his addiction, but thats impossible and irrational. And youre right, I am worried about how his addiction and recovery will affect our son, and his relationship with him. I grew up without a father, and his father was never around, so we both know what thats like and why we want to avoid it. So basically everything Im doing for him Im doing for our son and because I love him.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I understand that you love him and from your posts that is very evident.
I totally not saying you should leave him at all or walk away. But I just think you need to look after yourself and leave him to the professionals.
It maybe that he does see the hurt he has caused but it might not be you that gets him to see this. It could be somebody else.
And I just hope that you divert some of the energy it takes to get him to see what he has done, BACK ONTO YOURSELF.
It might take years for him to understand. You are going to be awfully tired if you spent years trying to convince him.
xx
I totally not saying you should leave him at all or walk away. But I just think you need to look after yourself and leave him to the professionals.
It maybe that he does see the hurt he has caused but it might not be you that gets him to see this. It could be somebody else.
And I just hope that you divert some of the energy it takes to get him to see what he has done, BACK ONTO YOURSELF.
It might take years for him to understand. You are going to be awfully tired if you spent years trying to convince him.
xx
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome! Great advice ahead of me.
Concentrate on you and your son, let abf concentrate on his recovery, as if he does not recover and stay on the right track, he will not be a good dad to your son. He cannot be as drugs will be his priorty, not you, not your son. Sounds so simplistic, yet it is the truth.
Take this time to work on you, read Codependent No More, get to some meetings, keep poisting, keep reading this forum. There are alot of great threads on the F&F of alcoholics and addicts, take a few minutes to read through them.
Concentrate on you and your son, let abf concentrate on his recovery, as if he does not recover and stay on the right track, he will not be a good dad to your son. He cannot be as drugs will be his priorty, not you, not your son. Sounds so simplistic, yet it is the truth.
Take this time to work on you, read Codependent No More, get to some meetings, keep poisting, keep reading this forum. There are alot of great threads on the F&F of alcoholics and addicts, take a few minutes to read through them.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: il
Posts: 4
Hello. I am also currently dating an addict. I am here to try to get some more information. At the beginning of our relationship he told me about his addition and his recovery. On the other hand he had exaggerated a bit on the length of time since his recovery.... things moved rather quickly and we ended up pretty much living together. He has a great job, as do I... I am pretty sure, a year and a half into our relationship he is clean. After dating a bit, I came to learn he had only been out of rehab for about a week and a half when we started hanging out. Lately, things have been rocky. There are fights over stupid things because " He cant show his love the way i do" and any time he is angry it is because " I MAKE HIM MAD, its ALWAYYYSSS because of i MADE him act this way." His emotional outbursts are very overwhelming... Im here looking for some advice.... ive been told recovering addicts should not jump into a relationship... which I unknowingly did... Ive also been told RA's have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their actions and have a tendency to place the blame on any one but themselves... any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Chip77)) - welcome to SR!!
I highly recommend you post on the Friends & Family/substance abuse if you haven't, already. You may also want to read throgh the posts there. There are a LOT of loved one's of A's (addicts) over there.
FWIW, I'm an RA and I didn't have a choice but to accept responsibility when I got into recovery. I had to work, pay bills and deal with the consequences of my using. Yes, some A's may SAY they're in "recovery" but they are simply clean, and there's a HUGE difference. I tried just being clean for over a year and though I was still responsible, I was also angry and not happy with life, in general. I relapsed, and hit another bottom and finally chose recovery.
I also have loved ones who are A's, so I know THIS side of addiction as well. I've learned a LOT from the F&F people, and the book "Codependent No More" that was recommended, above, is a great book. Most often, we don't realize that we're adding to the problem. Addiction affects way more people than the A...everyone who loves them. It's up to US to learn that we can't change them, but we CAN set boundaries (like not arguing back with them, when all it does is cause MORE arguing)
((Khenry)) - I strongly suggest you check out the forum, too. Hoping that he will "bust his a$$ to make it up" to you and his son could set up a strong resentment on your part. I know when I felt that way, the A didn't live up to what I expected and I got really angry. I don't think I can EVER "make up" for the pain I caused my family, but I have become a responsible, compassionate person and I do everything I can to not slip back into addiction.
I had what I had done thrown in my face, quite a few times. At first, I just took it...I accepted that I had hurt them and they were angry. After a while, though, I set a boundary and said "look, I'm not that person any more and I'm doing all I can to get my life back on track. Don't throw that stuff in my face, just because you're angry" because it was always anger at something that had NOTHING to do with my addiction.
I accept that I caused pain to my loved ones. I can't, however, do anything more than what I'm doing. Some people get into recovery and you find out they have issues that have nothing to DO with addiction. Some people are just irresponsible, angry, or whatever. The great people on the F&F forum have, or are, going through very similar issues. They have been a Godsend, to me, in dealing with my A's.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I highly recommend you post on the Friends & Family/substance abuse if you haven't, already. You may also want to read throgh the posts there. There are a LOT of loved one's of A's (addicts) over there.
FWIW, I'm an RA and I didn't have a choice but to accept responsibility when I got into recovery. I had to work, pay bills and deal with the consequences of my using. Yes, some A's may SAY they're in "recovery" but they are simply clean, and there's a HUGE difference. I tried just being clean for over a year and though I was still responsible, I was also angry and not happy with life, in general. I relapsed, and hit another bottom and finally chose recovery.
I also have loved ones who are A's, so I know THIS side of addiction as well. I've learned a LOT from the F&F people, and the book "Codependent No More" that was recommended, above, is a great book. Most often, we don't realize that we're adding to the problem. Addiction affects way more people than the A...everyone who loves them. It's up to US to learn that we can't change them, but we CAN set boundaries (like not arguing back with them, when all it does is cause MORE arguing)
((Khenry)) - I strongly suggest you check out the forum, too. Hoping that he will "bust his a$$ to make it up" to you and his son could set up a strong resentment on your part. I know when I felt that way, the A didn't live up to what I expected and I got really angry. I don't think I can EVER "make up" for the pain I caused my family, but I have become a responsible, compassionate person and I do everything I can to not slip back into addiction.
I had what I had done thrown in my face, quite a few times. At first, I just took it...I accepted that I had hurt them and they were angry. After a while, though, I set a boundary and said "look, I'm not that person any more and I'm doing all I can to get my life back on track. Don't throw that stuff in my face, just because you're angry" because it was always anger at something that had NOTHING to do with my addiction.
I accept that I caused pain to my loved ones. I can't, however, do anything more than what I'm doing. Some people get into recovery and you find out they have issues that have nothing to DO with addiction. Some people are just irresponsible, angry, or whatever. The great people on the F&F forum have, or are, going through very similar issues. They have been a Godsend, to me, in dealing with my A's.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
I am 29 weeks, due Nov 21. Have debated some names, but havent chosen one just yet, its more difficult than I thought it would be.
Sasha- Youre right. I have been working on pulling back out of his situation more and thinking positive, and focusing on me. And I dont think it will be me to make him realize how much hes hurt me. You know what bothers me alot? And its going to sound selfish, but this is the time where HE should be concentrating on ME. Hes missing out on this pregnancy and truly enjoying it with me, and hes getting all this attention because of his own choices. So now I have to live with the fact that our first child wont have that before-birth connection with his father like he will with me. I envisioned him lying with me and rubbing my belly, talking to our son inside the womb, getting me ice cream when I wanted it in the middle of the night, shopping for baby items, and just truly showing enthusiasm and excitement, but I havent had much of that at all, and that hurts because I know (i hope) its the drugs and not him. I feel bad for saying it, but I had to admit it. I hate that hes taking this off of me, but he needs the help.
Impurrfect- I know he wont ever truly be able to make up to me what hes done, I should have rephrased that because nothing will EVER take back whats hes done and put me through, and nothing will ever let him experience this time with me like he should have. I try and will continue to try not to throw this in his face because I know that wont help and probably wont make me feel any better. Before I found out he was an A and weeks before I found out he relapsed, we would fight over "stupid" things, and he has voiced concern over that happening when he gets out of rehab. Well, the fights we had (and Im not putting blame entirely on him) stemmed from his drug use: lack of money, bills, affection and sex issues (which I would love some advice on also), etc. All of those things were affected by the stupid things he was doing. So I told him that if he stays clean and follows through, then we wont fight like we have before, and although i cant promise we wont EVER fight again, now that I know the seriousness and the consequences that could have on his recovery, I can bite my tongue, as long as its not a very severe issue.
So am I sounding pitiful and pathetic? Haha I feel like it. I would love to know, also, the things people do that make it worse for the A's like you said impurrfect. I guess IS hould take a trip to the library and find that book, and get on calling around for Nar-anon meetings.
Sasha- Youre right. I have been working on pulling back out of his situation more and thinking positive, and focusing on me. And I dont think it will be me to make him realize how much hes hurt me. You know what bothers me alot? And its going to sound selfish, but this is the time where HE should be concentrating on ME. Hes missing out on this pregnancy and truly enjoying it with me, and hes getting all this attention because of his own choices. So now I have to live with the fact that our first child wont have that before-birth connection with his father like he will with me. I envisioned him lying with me and rubbing my belly, talking to our son inside the womb, getting me ice cream when I wanted it in the middle of the night, shopping for baby items, and just truly showing enthusiasm and excitement, but I havent had much of that at all, and that hurts because I know (i hope) its the drugs and not him. I feel bad for saying it, but I had to admit it. I hate that hes taking this off of me, but he needs the help.
Impurrfect- I know he wont ever truly be able to make up to me what hes done, I should have rephrased that because nothing will EVER take back whats hes done and put me through, and nothing will ever let him experience this time with me like he should have. I try and will continue to try not to throw this in his face because I know that wont help and probably wont make me feel any better. Before I found out he was an A and weeks before I found out he relapsed, we would fight over "stupid" things, and he has voiced concern over that happening when he gets out of rehab. Well, the fights we had (and Im not putting blame entirely on him) stemmed from his drug use: lack of money, bills, affection and sex issues (which I would love some advice on also), etc. All of those things were affected by the stupid things he was doing. So I told him that if he stays clean and follows through, then we wont fight like we have before, and although i cant promise we wont EVER fight again, now that I know the seriousness and the consequences that could have on his recovery, I can bite my tongue, as long as its not a very severe issue.
So am I sounding pitiful and pathetic? Haha I feel like it. I would love to know, also, the things people do that make it worse for the A's like you said impurrfect. I guess IS hould take a trip to the library and find that book, and get on calling around for Nar-anon meetings.
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