Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Hi K
I pretty much figure you have naming rights here too - at least as much as your bf.
Decide what you want for your son - and then back your decision.
Be honest as you feel you can about your reasons.
If he's really set on the idea can you compromise with George as the middle name or something?
In my case, I said a lot of stuff when I was high but that wasn't like a free pass to do or say anything I liked and not be accountable later, even back then.
As for everything else being a lie, I'm not sure that's a logical conclusion.
D
I pretty much figure you have naming rights here too - at least as much as your bf.
Decide what you want for your son - and then back your decision.
Be honest as you feel you can about your reasons.
If he's really set on the idea can you compromise with George as the middle name or something?
In my case, I said a lot of stuff when I was high but that wasn't like a free pass to do or say anything I liked and not be accountable later, even back then.
As for everything else being a lie, I'm not sure that's a logical conclusion.
D
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I doubt EVERYTHING he said was a lie, but it sounds like he will use the "I was high" excuse if you call him on something he doesn't want to deal with.
I agree with ((Dee)) - name him what you want to, maybe use George as a middle name, but it's totally up to you. He's hurt you, his dad doesn't even claim this baby, and there's no guarantee he will stick around after rehab (though I hope he does, it's just not something you can count on).
Also, him saying "I'm clean now"...well, he's in rehab, it's pretty easy to stay clean in there. I wouldn't hold much weight to that until he's been clean for a WHILE, out in the real world, and works his recovery.
I understand why some people carry on a name, but I also think it's perfectly acceptable to name the child something YOU want to name him. Me, personally? I wouldn't want a child named after his dad, not even knowing if dad is going to be there for the long haul.
Not trying to be a downer, but rehab is no assurance of someone staying clean. He's got a long way to go, to prove he's worthy of YOU and your baby.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree with ((Dee)) - name him what you want to, maybe use George as a middle name, but it's totally up to you. He's hurt you, his dad doesn't even claim this baby, and there's no guarantee he will stick around after rehab (though I hope he does, it's just not something you can count on).
Also, him saying "I'm clean now"...well, he's in rehab, it's pretty easy to stay clean in there. I wouldn't hold much weight to that until he's been clean for a WHILE, out in the real world, and works his recovery.
I understand why some people carry on a name, but I also think it's perfectly acceptable to name the child something YOU want to name him. Me, personally? I wouldn't want a child named after his dad, not even knowing if dad is going to be there for the long haul.
Not trying to be a downer, but rehab is no assurance of someone staying clean. He's got a long way to go, to prove he's worthy of YOU and your baby.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nevada
Posts: 44
K-
I was in your shoes completely, the only difference my boyfriend and father of my baby did not seek help and would not listen no matter what I tried said or did. We now have an eight month old baby and are struggling, I am the only one working. By his word "he says he is clean" however everything is the same. I dont think I need get into the details of what they do because you already know but its not healthy the way I am living or the way my daughter has to live.
He is battling with meth and has been for the past 3 years, his actions are unpredictable and I am unfortunately not strong enough yet to stand up against it when I should be.
When your son is born, you will quickly learn that your only priority will be him and you should try to understand that him being in there and hearing whatever it is that he hears will be better for him you and the baby.
At least you should be happy knowing that he is in there recovering for you and the baby and at least your son isnt born yet, that extra stress on the baby is not good. I personally suggest that you let your boyfriend hear and believe whatever the doctors there think will make him better. Though you may not agree with it but be at peace knowing that he will be better soon and on the road to a better life with you and the baby.
I was in your shoes completely, the only difference my boyfriend and father of my baby did not seek help and would not listen no matter what I tried said or did. We now have an eight month old baby and are struggling, I am the only one working. By his word "he says he is clean" however everything is the same. I dont think I need get into the details of what they do because you already know but its not healthy the way I am living or the way my daughter has to live.
He is battling with meth and has been for the past 3 years, his actions are unpredictable and I am unfortunately not strong enough yet to stand up against it when I should be.
When your son is born, you will quickly learn that your only priority will be him and you should try to understand that him being in there and hearing whatever it is that he hears will be better for him you and the baby.
At least you should be happy knowing that he is in there recovering for you and the baby and at least your son isnt born yet, that extra stress on the baby is not good. I personally suggest that you let your boyfriend hear and believe whatever the doctors there think will make him better. Though you may not agree with it but be at peace knowing that he will be better soon and on the road to a better life with you and the baby.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
I just dont think its fair to put me in that situation, at all. And if he could blame everything on him being high, then he would have to own up to being high when he suggested we have a child. so wouldnt those cancel each other out? i figure ill just tell him "look, youve always wanted to name your first born son after yourself? well ive ALWAYS wanted a happy family with my child and my childs father. sometimes we dont always get what we want". hows that?
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I LOVE it!
Gal, You are going to be okay!
We have a saying around here "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly."
That's for you...and for him.
I would suggest holding him to the things he has said.
He says a relationship is too much...well, in my mind that includes your son.
So, he wants to name a son he isn't going to be there for?
Nonsense!
He wants the privileges but not the responsibilities.
That's not the way the real world works and that is something he will need to learn.
And I hope he does, but he is going to have to earn those privileges.
Taking care of you and that baby boy are your only responsibilities right now.
And you get to have and enjoy the privileges that go with it.
Oh, and I wouldn't deliver any messages for him either. He has something to say to "mom"...let him contact her and say it.
I know alot of this sounds mean but I swear it isn't.
Firmly respecting yourself will bring you the best in your future..whatever that turns out to be.
And people love others more when they are people who treat themselves well and with dignity and respect.
You have a great head on your shoulders and a loving heart.....being with you is a gift to be appreciated and treated with care.
You deserve that.
hugs!
Gal, You are going to be okay!
We have a saying around here "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly."
That's for you...and for him.
I would suggest holding him to the things he has said.
He says a relationship is too much...well, in my mind that includes your son.
So, he wants to name a son he isn't going to be there for?
Nonsense!
He wants the privileges but not the responsibilities.
That's not the way the real world works and that is something he will need to learn.
And I hope he does, but he is going to have to earn those privileges.
Taking care of you and that baby boy are your only responsibilities right now.
And you get to have and enjoy the privileges that go with it.
Oh, and I wouldn't deliver any messages for him either. He has something to say to "mom"...let him contact her and say it.
I know alot of this sounds mean but I swear it isn't.
Firmly respecting yourself will bring you the best in your future..whatever that turns out to be.
And people love others more when they are people who treat themselves well and with dignity and respect.
You have a great head on your shoulders and a loving heart.....being with you is a gift to be appreciated and treated with care.
You deserve that.
hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
thanks lizzy! i see my therapist tonight, so i will see what she thinks as to how I should handle it. i think Ive done quite enough for him to be able to name my own son something other than after him. Ill let you know how it goes. he wants me to come visit him tomorrow, he gets out on Friday.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nevada
Posts: 44
That is a much better attitude. You didnt not choose any of this for yourself or for you baby and it is and was very selfish of him. Unfortunately it is what it is...in either case, whether you choose to stay with him or choose to let him go, it will be very hard and not fair. Making the decision and sticking to it is the hardest part.
Just do what you feel will be best for you and baby and will make you the happiest in the long run. =]
Just do what you feel will be best for you and baby and will make you the happiest in the long run. =]
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
its kinda like a song i know....
Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got the right mind to tell you
That I cant keep loving you with half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
With half of my heart
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do
Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got the right mind to tell you
That I cant keep loving you with half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
With half of my heart
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
sweetie, you do what you need to do, as far as seeing him, but be prepared that if you DO see him, he's probably going to tell you everything you want to hear. Though he's been in rehab, he hasn't been clean long enough to lose the "addict behavior" - it took ME at least 6 months to really "get" recovery and realize all it entails.
Just because we're clean, doesn't mean we're not going to lie, tell people what we think they want to hear (so we can keep them hanging on to the thought that we're all changed). Let him go to a sober living house, or wherever and deal with working, paying bills, etc. and THEN see how he acts.
My stepbrother and his gf just had their first baby a month ago. My stepbrother has ALWAYS loved kids, every gf he's ever had, had kids, and they all adored him, and the feeling was mutual. However, now that little miss Ella has colic, stepbrother is working every day, getting little sleep, he's finding out how HARD it is to be a dad. He's an RA (meth was his DOC) and he has absolutely no intention of going back to it, but he's been clean for several years.
He LOVES his daughter, but he had no idea what all was involved in raising a baby. I just think, with your bf being so new to recovery, unless he's totally devoted to RECOVERING (not just staying clean, as there is a HUGE difference), he may use the "stress" as an excuse to screw up.
It's not fair to you, as you will be raising little one and going through all the same things. I'm just saying that it takes time to re-train our brains to NOT think "let me get numb", and IMO, he hasn't had enough time.
I think YOU are doing great, and your son is absolutely blessed to have a mom like you.
I know that some things I say, here, may seem like a downer to you, but I'm one of those who tells it like it is. He CAN recover, he CAN become a great dad and mate to you, but I think it's just too early to tell.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Just because we're clean, doesn't mean we're not going to lie, tell people what we think they want to hear (so we can keep them hanging on to the thought that we're all changed). Let him go to a sober living house, or wherever and deal with working, paying bills, etc. and THEN see how he acts.
My stepbrother and his gf just had their first baby a month ago. My stepbrother has ALWAYS loved kids, every gf he's ever had, had kids, and they all adored him, and the feeling was mutual. However, now that little miss Ella has colic, stepbrother is working every day, getting little sleep, he's finding out how HARD it is to be a dad. He's an RA (meth was his DOC) and he has absolutely no intention of going back to it, but he's been clean for several years.
He LOVES his daughter, but he had no idea what all was involved in raising a baby. I just think, with your bf being so new to recovery, unless he's totally devoted to RECOVERING (not just staying clean, as there is a HUGE difference), he may use the "stress" as an excuse to screw up.
It's not fair to you, as you will be raising little one and going through all the same things. I'm just saying that it takes time to re-train our brains to NOT think "let me get numb", and IMO, he hasn't had enough time.
I think YOU are doing great, and your son is absolutely blessed to have a mom like you.
I know that some things I say, here, may seem like a downer to you, but I'm one of those who tells it like it is. He CAN recover, he CAN become a great dad and mate to you, but I think it's just too early to tell.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I know that some things I say, here, may seem like a downer to you, but I'm one of those who tells it like it is. He CAN recover, he CAN become a great dad and mate to you, but I think it's just too early to tell.
stay strong, dear! you've got it down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
thanks amy. i know it will be awhile before i know exactly what will happen. thats why i refuse to do give him any "rewards" for being clean (ex: naming his son afte rhim caue he hasnt done anything in 21 days). and i agree with lizzy, i dont want him jut strolling in whenever he wants because thats when HES ready. babies wait for no one. its not like me or lizzy can birth our kids and say "here, keep him here for a couple months, im not ready to be a mom yet". its not fair, and i think we are both coming to terms with it.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Khenry))) and (((Lizzaayy))) - you are both going to be fine and AWESOME mom's!! Keep you and your babies in the front of your mind, and let the men prove themself...for at least a year. I thought, one year into recovery, how great it was and how much I'd changed. At 2 years, I realized I was still "growing" in recovery and had a lot of codie issues to deal with, even though I'd BEEN dealing with them. Now, at 3-1/2 years, I feel grounded in recovery and doing what I need to do to make my life better.
I'm just pointing this out...I've always "worked" my recovery but it takes TIME to undo our thinking from the using years. I've been responsible, trustworthy, etc. from the time I started recovery, but I'm not the same person I was a year or two ago...I'm better because I am truly grateful for life. One year is a good indicator, but yes...we can always relapse.
I have a friend who is 22 with 3 babies. The baby's daddy is also a friend of mine (I used to work with both of them). Dad does really good for a while (other than smoking weed and drinking beer..sigh)...I knew him for over a year before he went back out on crack and got locked up. He came back, did great, then I read on her FB, the other day, he's gone again. Her kids are 6, 3 and almost 2, and she's raising them on her own most of the time. Just something to think about.
Yes, we A's do recover, but being one myself, I'd have to see some strong recovery in work, for quite a while, before I let them be a part of my life. I don't have kids, but we've raised my niece since she was 1 and her mom died in a car wreck. I couldn't love her any more if she WAS my kid. Her dad is an A and has only acted like a "dad" when it was convenient, and I've seen what it's done to her, as much as we've tried to protect her. She's 17, now, and wants nothing to do with him, tears up the numerous letters he's written her from jail, as he awaits to go to prison.
I know some dads get it together and are GREAT dads...there are tons of them here on SR. You just don't know, but taking your time to see what they do is always a good idea.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm just pointing this out...I've always "worked" my recovery but it takes TIME to undo our thinking from the using years. I've been responsible, trustworthy, etc. from the time I started recovery, but I'm not the same person I was a year or two ago...I'm better because I am truly grateful for life. One year is a good indicator, but yes...we can always relapse.
I have a friend who is 22 with 3 babies. The baby's daddy is also a friend of mine (I used to work with both of them). Dad does really good for a while (other than smoking weed and drinking beer..sigh)...I knew him for over a year before he went back out on crack and got locked up. He came back, did great, then I read on her FB, the other day, he's gone again. Her kids are 6, 3 and almost 2, and she's raising them on her own most of the time. Just something to think about.
Yes, we A's do recover, but being one myself, I'd have to see some strong recovery in work, for quite a while, before I let them be a part of my life. I don't have kids, but we've raised my niece since she was 1 and her mom died in a car wreck. I couldn't love her any more if she WAS my kid. Her dad is an A and has only acted like a "dad" when it was convenient, and I've seen what it's done to her, as much as we've tried to protect her. She's 17, now, and wants nothing to do with him, tears up the numerous letters he's written her from jail, as he awaits to go to prison.
I know some dads get it together and are GREAT dads...there are tons of them here on SR. You just don't know, but taking your time to see what they do is always a good idea.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
my dilemma now is thinking maybe i shouldnt give him my bfs last name.
If I had it to do over again, i wouldn't have even put my son's father on the birth certificate. I would have left it as unknown.
Now I have to worry about the fact that if I die, there is a very real possibility that his crack addict father would end up with custody of him and I wouldn't be able to protect him.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
So I went to see him with his mom tonight, even though people told me not to. I knew that if I didnt go I would regret it, especially since I dont know when Id see him again. It was a bit uncomfortable, especially when he introduced me as his "babys mama", although it might have been a joke since sometimes i call him babys daddy. I admit I was a little mopey and quiet, and he called me out on it. i said when i ask questions you get mad, when im quiet you get mad. so he told me to ask him some questions, and he handled them quite well i must say. he did make it a point to tell every person he knew there that i was pregnant (even though its obvious). he wants to go to a 3/4 way house, they are picking him up from rehab on friday when he gets out. BUT he says he will be there about a year?! what happened to like, 6 months? Whatever he needs to do to get well, by all means, but thats going to be hard for me to handle.
He also played with my head a little bit, and Im kind of upset. One of the questions I asked him was about us being together or not, and he said "did i say we broke up". well no you didnt, a-hole, but im so confused i need straight forward answers. when we were hugging to leave i asked him for my own piece of mind am i single or no and he said yeah youre still single (?) and i said really? and he said yes. then he kisses me, and NOT just a friendly kiss, Im talking a with tongue intimate kiss. wtf? i said thats not a single kiss, and he said i know, i have to be the man, wear the pants, keep you in line. WTF? i just laughed, but now im mad, like seeing red mad. and i brought this all on myself, mostly, thats what makes me the angriest. i dont know if i should call him out on it or just let it go. i dont know if hes just making himself feel better by knowing im still here, or if he was just joking or if he just doesnt know WHAT the hell he wants, but its not fair to mess with me like that! especially when im hormonal and all! haha
ok i sound like a crazy person, sorry. it just felt good to get that out there. ill probably just talk to my therapist about it and not bring it up with him until we have the "naming our son" conversation when he gets out. but i feel like hitting him.
He also played with my head a little bit, and Im kind of upset. One of the questions I asked him was about us being together or not, and he said "did i say we broke up". well no you didnt, a-hole, but im so confused i need straight forward answers. when we were hugging to leave i asked him for my own piece of mind am i single or no and he said yeah youre still single (?) and i said really? and he said yes. then he kisses me, and NOT just a friendly kiss, Im talking a with tongue intimate kiss. wtf? i said thats not a single kiss, and he said i know, i have to be the man, wear the pants, keep you in line. WTF? i just laughed, but now im mad, like seeing red mad. and i brought this all on myself, mostly, thats what makes me the angriest. i dont know if i should call him out on it or just let it go. i dont know if hes just making himself feel better by knowing im still here, or if he was just joking or if he just doesnt know WHAT the hell he wants, but its not fair to mess with me like that! especially when im hormonal and all! haha
ok i sound like a crazy person, sorry. it just felt good to get that out there. ill probably just talk to my therapist about it and not bring it up with him until we have the "naming our son" conversation when he gets out. but i feel like hitting him.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
ahh, he is stealing your peace, dear.
this whole time you haven't talked to him, and focused on yourself, you have been much more clear headed/peaceful.
now, you are confused again, and feel almost as if you're back to square one.
my best advice is to leave him be. but of course you will do what you want.
remember, above all else, do not let him rob you of your happiness. do not make the choice to be miserable/angry, when you have such a joy on the way!
this whole time you haven't talked to him, and focused on yourself, you have been much more clear headed/peaceful.
now, you are confused again, and feel almost as if you're back to square one.
my best advice is to leave him be. but of course you will do what you want.
remember, above all else, do not let him rob you of your happiness. do not make the choice to be miserable/angry, when you have such a joy on the way!
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