Boyfriend's in Rehab, very confused
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by khenry 
Its depressing and relieving all in one. I am so afraid of him leaving me that I do everything I can do to try and prevent it, and I call it helping him. Im afraid to do this myself and thats why I put up with so much. Although there are some boundaries with him, I let him slide for a long time. I hope rehab helps him, and I will be here for him when he gets out, but everyone is right. I need to focus on feeling better and working on this new revelation so I can be a better mother and person.
If you continue to do "for" him and to make decisions "for" him, he may not need a reason to change.
I think it's great that you gave an ultimatum and that you are willing to set down boundaries. But, if you are always pushing those boundaries back (and I'm not saying you are, but speaking in a general way) then he won't respect those boundaries.
Decide what is ok to live with.
Set up the boundaries.
Stick to them 100% unwavering, unfailing.
Be good to yourself.
Much much much MUCH love and light.
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((Lizzaayy)) - you GO girl!!! Good for you!!
Some people have to "try out" a few meetings to find one that clicks, but think of them as having the same type of people, you find here, just in real life!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Some people have to "try out" a few meetings to find one that clicks, but think of them as having the same type of people, you find here, just in real life!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
So basically, I just got broken up with from rehab. He said since he going to be so focused on him, he doesnt need the "added stress" from me, and doesnt need me making him feel guilty. Which is great, because Im having his kid in 10 weeks. He said he will always be here for me and his son, and maybe down the road we can work on us. He doesnt want me to come see him tomorrow at visiting hours, just wants to see his mom, who does NOTHING for him. I am so mad right now. What am I supposed to do?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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my boyfriend just told me the same thing the other day. and thus far, any phone call he has given me, i have not answered. in fact, i had my father answer the phone and tell him to bugger off.
he doesn't feeling like you are important, that being there for you through your pregnancy is important. he needs time to work on his self. so fine. show him just how unimportant he is to you, that you need to work on yourself as well. don't pick up that phone girl. going on 3 days for me now, and trust me, it is liberating.
you must show him that you are a strong woman, an independent woman. one who does not need to be at the beck and call of someone who is currently in such a selfish state of mind. remember all the BS, and the harm he has caused, and will continue to cause until he realizes the caliber of his actions and their effect on you and his unborn child.
you deserve honesty, you deserve respect, and most importantly, you deserve happiness. none of this is your fault, you have been nothing but loyal and faithful to your love. trust me, he will soon realize what he is missing, and hopefully by then it will not be too late to make amends with you. but that is your descision. and that's the beauty of it. you're only with him, because you want to be. not because you need him, or because you have to. and once he sees that dear, oh will his man-panties be in a knot. =]
love yourself and your son first and foremost. draw strength from your friends and family, who will always be there to give you support, and are always on your side. you will be surprised at how strong you can be without him draining all your energy and sense of self.
he doesn't feeling like you are important, that being there for you through your pregnancy is important. he needs time to work on his self. so fine. show him just how unimportant he is to you, that you need to work on yourself as well. don't pick up that phone girl. going on 3 days for me now, and trust me, it is liberating.
you must show him that you are a strong woman, an independent woman. one who does not need to be at the beck and call of someone who is currently in such a selfish state of mind. remember all the BS, and the harm he has caused, and will continue to cause until he realizes the caliber of his actions and their effect on you and his unborn child.
you deserve honesty, you deserve respect, and most importantly, you deserve happiness. none of this is your fault, you have been nothing but loyal and faithful to your love. trust me, he will soon realize what he is missing, and hopefully by then it will not be too late to make amends with you. but that is your descision. and that's the beauty of it. you're only with him, because you want to be. not because you need him, or because you have to. and once he sees that dear, oh will his man-panties be in a knot. =]
love yourself and your son first and foremost. draw strength from your friends and family, who will always be there to give you support, and are always on your side. you will be surprised at how strong you can be without him draining all your energy and sense of self.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Khenry))) - (((Lizzaayy))) said it better than I ever could.
I know this hurts, but it's better he tell you NOW, than come home, pretend everything is fine, then bail on you.
You're having a son, soon. You don't need a grown man, acting like a child, on top of that.
You and your son will be okay, because you're going to be an awesome mama!! The greatest gift you can give a child, is to take care and love yourself, and show/teach him what real life is like..when you give of yourself because you want to, when others respect that you have boundaries and you stick to them, that love can hurt but we survive.
Big hugs and prayers to you, sweetie!!
Amy
I know this hurts, but it's better he tell you NOW, than come home, pretend everything is fine, then bail on you.
You're having a son, soon. You don't need a grown man, acting like a child, on top of that.
You and your son will be okay, because you're going to be an awesome mama!! The greatest gift you can give a child, is to take care and love yourself, and show/teach him what real life is like..when you give of yourself because you want to, when others respect that you have boundaries and you stick to them, that love can hurt but we survive.
Big hugs and prayers to you, sweetie!!
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 43
Yeah hes being very selfish, especially since everything hes putting me through he putting his kid through. And this whole time he been in rehab, ive heard more and more disappointing things about him and what hes done. He cant even be honest with himself about what hes done, he still wont admit he was using heroin! He says all he was using was a "couple roxies and pot". And I have a witness who told me he was using heroin just 3-4 days before I gave him the drug test.
Lizay- your reply was amazing it brought a tear to my eye. I guess thats what i need to do, leave him alone. Stop doing so much for him. Thank you for writing that and please keep in touch. I love that we have that in common. I hope your situation works out ok, Id love to hear your progress. It would help me!!
How did your first meeting go? I go Thursday night and Im very anxious.
I knew he would need time for himself, but I didnt think I was that much of an inconvenience. Whats going to happen when his son is born? Is he going to be too "focused" to be there for him? I doubt he will be around if hes not with me, even though Id love for him to be, but I cant do anything. Im tired of hurting like this. I do all of this for nothing and its rough. I think things will change once hes out and hit with reality. Right now he feels safe because hes not physically able to do drugs and everything is taken care of for him, and having everyone out here jumping and running around for him. Im not doing anything anymore.
Lizay- your reply was amazing it brought a tear to my eye. I guess thats what i need to do, leave him alone. Stop doing so much for him. Thank you for writing that and please keep in touch. I love that we have that in common. I hope your situation works out ok, Id love to hear your progress. It would help me!!
How did your first meeting go? I go Thursday night and Im very anxious.I knew he would need time for himself, but I didnt think I was that much of an inconvenience. Whats going to happen when his son is born? Is he going to be too "focused" to be there for him? I doubt he will be around if hes not with me, even though Id love for him to be, but I cant do anything. Im tired of hurting like this. I do all of this for nothing and its rough. I think things will change once hes out and hit with reality. Right now he feels safe because hes not physically able to do drugs and everything is taken care of for him, and having everyone out here jumping and running around for him. Im not doing anything anymore.
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anything that puts any kind of focus on him being a responsible, normal adult is an inconvenience. you and your son are not in any way to blame. if he continues to use, or decides to make other harmful choices, that is all on him.
in the end of all this, if neither of our bfs decide to step up to the role they helped make for themselves, know that we will definitely be the clear victors. we will have healthy, loving children and provide a stable, safe environment for them. something their fathers were apparently not able to do.
my meeting went wonderfully. it gave me a lot of strength and love for myself. people at my meeting were very sympathetic to me and my situation.
i am always here if you need to talk or need some advice, and i know i can ask the same from you. thank you for the help, dear!
in the end of all this, if neither of our bfs decide to step up to the role they helped make for themselves, know that we will definitely be the clear victors. we will have healthy, loving children and provide a stable, safe environment for them. something their fathers were apparently not able to do.
my meeting went wonderfully. it gave me a lot of strength and love for myself. people at my meeting were very sympathetic to me and my situation.
i am always here if you need to talk or need some advice, and i know i can ask the same from you. thank you for the help, dear!
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Khenry))) - just a thought. If he's not even being honest with what he did, what he used, in rehab, well he's got a very long way to go. As long as we A's deny or downplay our history, we're still lying and it takes time to get past that point. He may "get it" before he gets out of rehab, but the fact that he's still lying to you makes me sad for him. He's been given a gift, is receiving the TOOLS of recovery, but it's up to him to use them.
I hope that you can go NC (no contact) with him, and soon. I know, with having his baby, you may not want to, but HE is the one bailing on you. If not NC, I'd at least keep the conversations very short, and stay away from talk of what HE needs. His needs are being met. Trust me, when he realizes he can no longer "bait" you, he begin to learn what the consequences of his actions/using have done. He'll have no idea that you're doing this for YOU, so will probably just try harder.
I think you are doing amazingly well, what with all the chaos you've been through, and hormones raging. You, too (((Lizzaayy)))!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I hope that you can go NC (no contact) with him, and soon. I know, with having his baby, you may not want to, but HE is the one bailing on you. If not NC, I'd at least keep the conversations very short, and stay away from talk of what HE needs. His needs are being met. Trust me, when he realizes he can no longer "bait" you, he begin to learn what the consequences of his actions/using have done. He'll have no idea that you're doing this for YOU, so will probably just try harder.
I think you are doing amazingly well, what with all the chaos you've been through, and hormones raging. You, too (((Lizzaayy)))!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Youre totally right. We may never get the retribution we deserve, but we will feel accomplished because we will hold our bundles of joy and know everything we have done its been for them. I hope for our kids' sake our bfs do grow up and straighten up and can be positive influences in their lives. But I need to realize that its probably not a possibility, at least not soon. I will be here for whatever you need, because I know I will need the support. I hope my meeting goes as good as yours did. Wish me luck. Now I have to find something fun to do tomorrow night since I dont have to go visit!
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Yes impurrfect, thank you! My hormones are raging and this kid is doing gymnastics in my belly and then all of this is piled on top. But what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. And you have all helped me with this. <3 <3
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well if you haven't already, how about planning out your delivery bag that you're gonna take to the hospital?
i am doing that tomorrow as well, with help from my mom.
good luck in your meeting dear. for me, it was just what i needed.
and lol, my lil one is doing the same thing. it is very uncomfortable (almost painful) at times, but also very comforting.
thank you so much for the kind words amy.
i am doing that tomorrow as well, with help from my mom.
good luck in your meeting dear. for me, it was just what i needed.
and lol, my lil one is doing the same thing. it is very uncomfortable (almost painful) at times, but also very comforting.
thank you so much for the kind words amy.
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I havent planned it yet! Ive been so absorbed in his crap, plus I just moved, and everything. i still have 10 weeks, I havent even had my baby shower yet! Im running out of time. You are a month ahead of me, Im due Nov 21. Do you know what youre having?
Ive heard necessities to take to the hospital are chap stick and some kind of hard candy.
Ive heard necessities to take to the hospital are chap stick and some kind of hard candy.
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mine is going to be a little boy as well. =]
you can look up online what you want to pack, some things are necessary and others are extra. all depending on how long you stay and what your preferences are.
my baby shower is october 3rd and i am due october 22nd.
time flies by so fast sometimes. it feels like i just read that dang stick yesterday, lol.
you can look up online what you want to pack, some things are necessary and others are extra. all depending on how long you stay and what your preferences are.
my baby shower is october 3rd and i am due october 22nd.
time flies by so fast sometimes. it feels like i just read that dang stick yesterday, lol.
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aww i wanted a boy so bad! have you thought of any names yet? my dilemma now is thinking maybe i shouldnt give him my bfs last name.
i know, thats how i feel! i sit here and watch my belly moving and im like where did the time go? i hope you get everything you want at your shower. i just need to find a nice place to have mine.
i know, thats how i feel! i sit here and watch my belly moving and im like where did the time go? i hope you get everything you want at your shower. i just need to find a nice place to have mine.
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What is the difference between a group home and a halfway home? Does anyone know? Because I guess those are the two he is trying to decide between. I just wonder if wherever he is, if they will let him come to the hospital for the birth.
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thank you!!
and oh my gosh, that's so good to hear he's considering that. i heard from my abf's mother that he suggested the same thing.
i do not know the difference between the two.
but isn't that a funny coincidence? maybe things are looking up for us, girl. =]
i've learned that when A's get really inquisitive about help like that, it's a nice step towards recovery.
and oh my gosh, that's so good to hear he's considering that. i heard from my abf's mother that he suggested the same thing.
i do not know the difference between the two.
but isn't that a funny coincidence? maybe things are looking up for us, girl. =]
i've learned that when A's get really inquisitive about help like that, it's a nice step towards recovery.
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Impurrfect and others, what do you think? Is it a good sign that they want these things?
he said something last week about going to a halfway or a 3/4 way house, and i talked to his counselor yesterday (the one he was seeing before he relapsed and went to rehab). she said it would be a very good idea for him because of his family and how if he went to live with his mother, he would most definitely go back to using. i think with a group home, you have to pay rent and with a halfway house your insurance covers it. im not sure though. ill have to ask at my NarAnon meeting tonight.
Lets hope things are looking up. Our sons deserve their CLEAN fathers in their lives, and I dont know about you, but I want him in my life as well, if he still loves me when hes sober and vice versa. He called yesterday afternoon to ask if his mom was coming and asked me how i was, Im wondering if he will call tonight, but I refuse to call there. his counselor said to pull back but not to break contact. show him im still here for him but dont do what i was doing before, taking him cigs and phone cards and money, especially if he didnt want me to come visit. she said they are being taught in there to be very selfish and to put themselves first, and i think since he is so easily influenced that that is why he said what he said, but im sure once he gets out of there and into a home, things will change. hopefully.
also lizay i sent you a private message! have you talked to your ABF? or are you still NC?
he said something last week about going to a halfway or a 3/4 way house, and i talked to his counselor yesterday (the one he was seeing before he relapsed and went to rehab). she said it would be a very good idea for him because of his family and how if he went to live with his mother, he would most definitely go back to using. i think with a group home, you have to pay rent and with a halfway house your insurance covers it. im not sure though. ill have to ask at my NarAnon meeting tonight.
Lets hope things are looking up. Our sons deserve their CLEAN fathers in their lives, and I dont know about you, but I want him in my life as well, if he still loves me when hes sober and vice versa. He called yesterday afternoon to ask if his mom was coming and asked me how i was, Im wondering if he will call tonight, but I refuse to call there. his counselor said to pull back but not to break contact. show him im still here for him but dont do what i was doing before, taking him cigs and phone cards and money, especially if he didnt want me to come visit. she said they are being taught in there to be very selfish and to put themselves first, and i think since he is so easily influenced that that is why he said what he said, but im sure once he gets out of there and into a home, things will change. hopefully.
also lizay i sent you a private message! have you talked to your ABF? or are you still NC?
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I don't know the difference between a group home or sober living, but think that anything that focuses on learning to live life, sober/clean, is a good thing!
I know with sober living, they have to get a job, pay a little to live there, and still go to meetings and whatever they need to do for their recovery. It's a great way, IMO, to get back into life, yet have the support of other RA's.
I do hope, for both of you, that your "men" step up to the plate, throw everything they've got into recovery, and become the parent they should be. However, don't forget about you...you've got babies on the way, and YOU and the "boys" (our SR-babies-to-be
) need their mamas. They need them to be healthy and focused on you and them. I know you can't just forget about the dad's, but you're probably going to have a bit of anger to deal with. I was ticked that my XABF just kept on going, getting high, not caring about anything, and here I was, dealing with my consequences and busting my butt to rebuild my life.
It's normal, it's okay, and if we deal with our anger and move past it, it's healthy
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I know with sober living, they have to get a job, pay a little to live there, and still go to meetings and whatever they need to do for their recovery. It's a great way, IMO, to get back into life, yet have the support of other RA's.
I do hope, for both of you, that your "men" step up to the plate, throw everything they've got into recovery, and become the parent they should be. However, don't forget about you...you've got babies on the way, and YOU and the "boys" (our SR-babies-to-be
) need their mamas. They need them to be healthy and focused on you and them. I know you can't just forget about the dad's, but you're probably going to have a bit of anger to deal with. I was ticked that my XABF just kept on going, getting high, not caring about anything, and here I was, dealing with my consequences and busting my butt to rebuild my life.It's normal, it's okay, and if we deal with our anger and move past it, it's healthy
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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I have another question. I talked to my ABF tonight after not talking to him since Wednesday and he brought up the name situation with our son. Awhile ago, he wanted to name him after himself, making our son the 4th in the generation. We talked it over for awhile and we decided not to, even though I know he really wanted to. Well, tonight he asks "Are you going to let me name him George after me? Now that Im clean". Heres the deal, his dad dislikes me (God only knows why), he says this is not his grandson, and he ha disowned my bf. Obviously I dont want to name him after someone so hate filled and I dont want to cause drama. Plus, the name george is pretty lame.
I asked my bf "I thought we decided not to" and he replied "Yeah but I was high then and didnt know what I was saying" or something along those lines. I told him we will have to talk about it.
Heres my thing. One, how do I talk to him about this in a way that he can handle, with what hes dealing with right now? How do I convey they fact that I do NOT want to name my son after his family, and not have him take it personally and hate me? And, two, so if he said before "when he was high" that we could name him something different and now he doesnt mean it, does that mean EVERYTHING hes EVER said when he was high or in between highs was a lie? Because if so, then that would basically discredit everything in our relationship: marriage, having a family, loving me, everything hes ever told me.
I asked my bf "I thought we decided not to" and he replied "Yeah but I was high then and didnt know what I was saying" or something along those lines. I told him we will have to talk about it.
Heres my thing. One, how do I talk to him about this in a way that he can handle, with what hes dealing with right now? How do I convey they fact that I do NOT want to name my son after his family, and not have him take it personally and hate me? And, two, so if he said before "when he was high" that we could name him something different and now he doesnt mean it, does that mean EVERYTHING hes EVER said when he was high or in between highs was a lie? Because if so, then that would basically discredit everything in our relationship: marriage, having a family, loving me, everything hes ever told me.
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