S00602407

TF thank you so much for sharing your story. I never thought about being reserved because of other people. Maybe I will be more open 1:1? You are dead on about putting trust in the leaders and therapists too. I have to do that at this point because they obviously know what they're doing more than I do. Its hard but necessary. There's one other girl in IOP with me and I do kind of gravitate towards her. She shares a different mommy guilt reserved especially for women. I am lucky to be there on my own free will as opposed to court ordered but any longer and my luck would have run out I'm sure.

opentorecieve

Hi S! Wow, you are Fantastic. Reading your story has me smiling at the computer. You have a way with words, have you thought about journaling? Helped me, I, too am a sub vet. I kept a journal kind of like this thread...day 1, day 2, etc...then a tapering journal too but lets not put the cart before the horse...your CLEAN today! This is a day by day journey. A beautiful struggle. I, too, attend IOP and always find the topics resonate with each addict. On the topic of assertiveness, I fail miserably. Working on it. I also feel that I have no right to assert myself after all the hurt I've caused in my addiction. But I'm working on it. Congratulations and keep on keepin on. Keep us posted please.

S00602407

97.25 hours clean. Today was hard. Not gonna lie it's been a struggle. I had zero cravings by the end of day 1, not many day 2, a few day 3, and today it's pretty strong. I don't know if I should ask the dr about adjusting the dosage or what but I think I'll call tomorrow to ask. Obviously my doc is the best source of advice but anyone else have experience with this? Any input would be appreciated.

I had a pretty productive day again and was feeling ok. I was in the car for like 6 hours today running around to different vendors for work. I started getting a craving this afternoon and got a pumpkin spiced latte instead. I took my son to daycare so he wouldn't be stuck in the car all day and planned to meet my mom at the mall tonight. I was running about 30 min behind and my husband called to say he was home. I asked if he could pick up our boy and he agreed no problem. So I get a call on the way home from him and he just erupts about my job taking up too much of my time and not making enough money to justify not having the house clean and dinner made blah blah blah. So I know this is the start of "an episode." He was screaming into the phone within 5 minutes. I stayed calm and didn't engage. I tried to understand exactly what he was upset about and it morphed several times until he yelled "I can't explain it right now so I don't even know!" I said "are you saying you want me to quit my job?" And he snapped "no! That's not what I'm saying!" But was listing all the bad things that stem from me working. So if I work I fail at all these other things and that upsets him but noooooo not saying quit. This happened with my last job too where he laid into me constantly about how terrible it was and the company was and I was miserable for years because of it. So I know this is not the real problem it's just the face of it this time around. I took the baby and left to meet my mom. I texted him that I understand and share his frustration but this isn't good for me. He knows this is my trigger. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - out of nowhere - I am disrupted and thrown off and have no choice but to wait it out regardless of what I feel or want because there's no reasoning like this only escalation - so I use. I numb. I check out of the madness. But I didn't. I want to but I haven't. I ******* hate this.

S00602407

Just called and left a message for the dr. I explained the progressive cravings so we'll see what he says when I get a call back. I don't want to mess this up.😣 will update when I hear back.

Can't believe I slept until 10:00 today...

opentorecieve

Stay strong Dana. You're early in it's only natural your emotions will be all over the place. If you can hold tight your body WILL adjust. Of course your doctor will no best the dose. Just hang in there girl and don't use. Our addiction magnifies every little thing to get us to take that dose. Fight.

S00602407

Well the doctor said that I should do something positive during those times of craving and we would discuss my dosage on Saturday during my next appointment. Admittedly I took an extra dose last night. It was that or use at that point because of everything that was going on on top of the cravings. Today I've only taken a half of one dose and will take the other this evening so I don't run out. I know I shouldn't have done that but it was the lesser of two evils.

Today is hard again. The episode is continuing and becoming more irrational with every text. My husband is at school right now but I know when he comes home it will get ugly. I've packed my stuff and the babies things and will evacuate to my mothers tonight. I did this last month when it happened too and it's the only way to protect us. He'll come down in the next day or so and realize what has happened but for now I just have to wait it out. I again tried to explain (using "I statements") how I was feeling and did not want to do what I would normally do to cope. I asked him to think about whether it was more important to beat me down over money and dishes and laundry or be supportive and lift me up when I'm feeling so down. He responded with "I get it I'm a ****** supporter this is pissing me off so just drop it!" I didn't say anything back and he said again "I am so ducking pissed off right now." I again didn't respond. I can't do this right now. I am trying so so so hard to maintain my sobriety and get my life back on track. For the past 7 years it's been all about him and his career, his school, his PTSD... I need to think of myself right now. The fact that I asked him to put me over this episode and he totally disregarded it and tried to throw out the guilt trip makes me so angry. I've gone through so much for him. Sacrificed so much if it meant he was protected even a little bit. I have to keep telling myself this is not him- this is his disease. But the face and the voice and the name attached to the texts are the same. He feels out of control because of my addiction and because of my job. That's his trigger. I've read this book so many times but it doesn't hurt any less even when I know what's coming.

I was almost happy...

cleaninalabama

You may not want to hear it, but you need to get out of that relationship. PTSD or not, he is putting you and, most importantly, your child in serious danger. I hope you are gone to your mother's before he gets him. I'd hate for him to have the opportunity to stop you.

As to your recovery, you're never going to get clean in the situation you are in. Do you really think that the answer is just to take an extra dose of suboxone when this happens and then cut back the next day? Pretty soon you'll be taking an extra dose every time you get stressed. I am a huge proponent of suboxone and have seen it work wonders, myself included, but that's not how it works. It will give you a chance to address your problems and using and that is great. But when you get stressed and take more than you are prescribed, you are engaging in exactly the behavior that got you where you are.

I really hope you don't take me as too harsh, but you need to get out of that situation if you want a realistic shot at sobriety. I'm pulling for you (and your kid)

S00602407

@cleaninalabama I know. Every therapist I've seen has said the same thing. This latest one said I'm co-dependent. Probably true... But I don't know enough about it to know for sure. It's something I plan on bringing up in 1:1 counseling. I just checked my calendar and that doesn't start until next week though.

A friend gave me some perspective last night about why he's putting off treatment. It's a guy thing. "Is it killing me? No. So walk it off." I never thought of it that way. It's usually 3-4 days before he comes back down to earth and can rationally talk. When he does I'm going to tell him it's now. I can't keep on like this if I hope to get better. You're right. I just needed to hear it again I guess.

I did get to my mothers before he got home. He called screaming and eventually hung up on me. I forgot to take the gun out of the house so I texted and asked if I needed to worry about him doing something stupid. He said no and don't ******* talk to me. I left him with "I love you and I didn't leave to hurt you. I left because I need to make good decisions and wouldn't have if it got to where it was going. I hope you can understand that one day but I'll leave you alone for now." No responses. I will stay with my mother again tonight if he's still out of control. She knows about his PTSD but not about me using. She just thinks I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

I did engage in using behaviors. I didn't use but the extra sub may as we'll be the same thing. I just don't know how to deal yet...

I'm willing to bet this is all stemming partially from the fact that he's out of weed. Ughhhh fml. I am juggling so many balls trying to make something out of my life: baby, work, sobriety, wife, homeowner etc. when this happens it's like juggling with someone throwing knives at you.

Last month I had to stay at my moms because I did not specifically say I was going to the grocery store on a Sunday even though I planned to. Thus our life is chaos and has no order and I'm a terrible person. Normal relationship: "hey Hun can you go to the grocery store today?" This is crazy.

S00602407

Also today I'm buying myself flowers. I have been doing that instead of waiting for him to make any sort of gesture to remind myself I am loved even if it's just by me.

cleaninalabama

I'm glad to hear that. I can definitely tell you everyone here is pulling for you to get clean and be safe.

S00602407

The drama continues. Around 4pm I started getting texts that he's done with me and to get out. After 7 years and a baby that's ridiculous but since this is the 30th time it's happened I wasn't even phased. The first time was on my birthday 3 years ago. I was devastated- a sobbing mess for a week. It was the beginning of my opiate affair. I found comfort in pills and they loved me on demand. Then the episode ended and the apologies and remorse overflowed. By now it has about as much impact on me as someone saying good morning. I did damn near throw my wedding ring in a sewer though. Still wishing I would have. So, true to form, he came home with flowers apologizing and saying all the things he's supposed to. The Dr Jekyll mr Hyde transformation that's oh so appropriate on Halloween.

This was a test I wasn't ready for. This is my biggest trigger. A crutch during the insanity, a warm blanket through the storm. I wanted it so bad. But here I am... Day 6 sober and feeling every second of it.

It did feel really good to say "pick up two drug tests on the way home and let's see which one of us passes." 👊

opentorecieve

Wow Dana just wow. Is your name Dana BTW? Lol. But really, this man sounds harmful in many ways. You are doing sooo well and don't deserve this BS. But the best thing you can do right now is to stay the course. Stay clean. You win. Your baby wins.

S00602407

@open thank you. I think all things considered I did a pretty fantastic job of keeping my **** together. Unfortunately I was supposed to meet with my partner yesterday and go over some client issues and although I kept him posted about the sick kid and having to flee to my mothers and asked him if he could email me the revisions required- he still laid into me for 20 minutes about my priorities and upholding expectations. Really dude? One- my kid got sick unexpectedly. Two- give me a few minutes to remove the weapons from my house as a safety precaution. Three- I still made my deadline. Can I get some slack anywhere? Fml man! Why am I trying so hard to change and be better when nothing gets any better? I just did not need any of this. Now I see why people go to rehab - it's not that you can't do it outpatient- it's just better to keep all these stressors away for a while. I personally think if I were to leave for 30 days to take care of myself it would be incredibly selfish. But why do I care about being selfish when no one else does? I swear if it weren't for my son I'd go at this point. I don't give a **** about killing myself for everyone else only to be met with such disrespect and under appreciation. Am I being crazy here or does this chain of events my first week of sobriety seem like I'm being set up for failure? It's like a joke how insane this **** has been. I can tell you right now if it weren't for sub blocking the effects I'd probably be using right now. This can't continue. I can't be sane in an insane environment.

S00602407

And yes my name is Dana.

opentorecieve

Hey Dana, how are you today?

S00602407

Hey open, thanks for asking. Wasn't sure if anyone was reading the thread still so took a day off. Yesterday morning I had IOP and my second visit with the dr. During IOP we were discussing internal and external triggers. I was of course aware of the trigger from fighting with my husband but discovered on Friday that even driving near places I would buy triggered a craving. Group was mostly focused on a new person who was clearly hurting. It was sad but she was in a good place for support. I only recognized two people yesterday. Apparently there's a high turnover. I told the dr about my progressive cravings throughout the week and that if I weren't on suboxone I am certain I would have used. He said I did the right thing by removing myself and my son from the situation and asked about my husbands past treatment and possibilities for getting him back into it. Husband said again yesterday that he will go back to counseling next semester and see the dr soon to talk about getting back on his meds. That's something he can do in the meantime without making a huge time commitment. I told him he needs to think of it like any other illness. If you had pneumonia or heart disease or cancer, you'd make time to go to the doctor. This has to be the same. I left it at that because he has to make the choice on his own, but I made it clear that I can't hope to change unless my circumstances change. He said that when I leave it feels like I'm never coming back and I'm stealing his son. I told him that is not the case and this is a plan I have in place for these times because in all the years of living with this I have found no other way to diffuse these bombs. He understood and apologized again. I wish it never had to happen but I can't keep taking that **** until it breaks me and I won't have my son witnessing it, I just won't. The dr. And I discussed "the long term" and pros and cons of increasing my dose. We agreed to go to 3 8mg strips a day for a few months. Then we will start tapering 1mg a month. I'm in no rush so this is okay for me. I feel like the extended amount of time will keep me in check and it took many years to get me to this point. I don't expect a week of sobriety to magically heal my brain or my soul. That being said, a week of sobriety is a HUGE accomplishment for me and I am so grateful I made it to this day. Making that phone call and showing up for that appointment was the best decision I may have ever made. It's still hard. Sometimes I'm bored and wanna use, or these triggers happen, but I know that to do that I would have to wait 36 hours then pick up then use and having to delay that impulse is helping tremendously. It forces me to deal with the trigger in the moment as opposed to just giving in to it. I hope this is helping someone somewhere. I don't mind sharing my story if you don't mind reading. Thanks again for asking how I'm doing open. How are you?

Noelle14

Wow, Dana, your story is amazing and I hope you keep up the posting on here. I agree with the other posters that you are better off out of that relationship, but being that it's your husband and you have a child together, I know how difficult that can be. Please keep up the good work that you've been doing and keep all of us posted. I'm rooting do you!

cleaninLI

Soo just now getting back to your thread! Sheesh a lot has happened since I last read it. Actually I was very sick with a stomach virus. It was awful! It looks like you've been through the wringer as well. Although in a different way! I admire your attitude and your escape plan. How does your mom feel about your having to uproot yourself and your son every month to escape from hubby's madness? She can't be too thrilled with the way her daughter and grandson are forced to flee their own home. That is pretty selfish on his part to act like this and do nothing to get better. I understand he has a disease but so do you and where does that leave your son? I hope he wasn't sabotaging your sobriety on purpose. It's quite common for sick people to want their spouse to remain sick. It takes the spotlight off of them and helps to make them feel less guilty. He can say "well at least I'm not a drug addict!" Or something to that effect.

So sorry this seems very negative, but I'm in the outside looking in and I see how hard you are trying to remain clean. How hard you are trying to be a good mother to your son and protect him from these episodes. Even it's so clear how hard you work and what you have to put up with because you are trying so hard to keep this family together. I just wish your husband would try half as hard as you are.

I'm not advocating or even advising you to leave your husband. This is your decision. I'm sure your husband is probably normal and a great guy and father when he's not having an episode. I'm sure that is why you stay. Like you said it only happens once a month.

I'm just wondering, have you ever told him you wouldn't be back until he gets some help for his PTSD? You know, set up some clear bounderies of what you expect from him? Do you think he would do it so as not to loose his family? You said he mainly needs his meds and therapy.

Anyway, please don't take my post in a negitive way. I'm only writing this because you seem like such a rational, clear headed, intelligent, caring, and loving spouse and mother you deserve the very best as well as success in your recovery!

Please keep posting! Sorry this was harsh but I don't mean it to be its just my reaction.

S00602407

Hey clean welcome back. I appreciate the outsiders view actually. I've been in this vacuum for so long it's hard to get that perspective anymore. Going to my mothers has been a recent strategy. I've only done it 2 or 3 times because sadly it's taken me this many years to figure out it's the only somewhat effective solution. Up until this last year I didn't discuss my husbands PTSD with my family because it is much easier for me to forgive than it would be for them. It only came out because they saw it on a family vacation and I finally educated them. Even still I don't give details I just say "we're fighting." And she doesn't pry. I know she wants to know.. But I know even more that she doesn't want to know. It's a delicate conversation with my husband. He feels awful afterwards and me rubbing it in or holding it over his head for long periods of time will often reignite the fire. During my entire pregnancy- not 1 episode? How did he control it then? I want that answer but still haven't gotten it. He keeps saying "but I've gotten better I think right?" And he has at times but the last 6 months have been consistent. I finally had the courage to say no it hasn't, it's every 4-6 weeks and that kinda pissed him off but when I listed the trigger event of each one he knew I wasn't exaggerating. When he first busted me getting deep into pills I think he did get some satisfaction or some relief from being on the other side of the fence and not in the wrong for once. He forced me into CT which I think I may have said already but it was pointless because I wasn't ready to quit. I do believe he will get help because he is finally seeing how terrible it is for our son. Even if he doesn't do it for me he'll do it for him and the motivation doesn't matter as long as it's there. As for wanting to keep me sick - I think he wishes he had that ace in the hole this time but I'm glad he didn't for once. He says he's supportive and wants me to get help but when it comes down to me being gone 3 times a week (only one of which he watches the baby) it does **** him off that there's any focus on me. That came out at the tail end of this last fight. I knew it would get thrown in my face at some point so not shocked. And you're right, when it's him and it's good it's great. We're a well oiled machine. But these times come out of nowhere and it took a long time to build callouses to it. It took a lot of drugs to kill my memories and allow me to truly forgive and forget. But now I want memories... Hence why I decided to quit. I have been told a thousand times to leave him but no one can make that decision for anyone no matter what the writing on the wall is. I'm stubborn, I'm loyal and I love him for who he is the majority of the time. My mom knows that too and just told me that leaving someone is the same as falling in love with someone- when you know you just know. Just hasn't hit me yet but with a child that could change very easily. If he ever looked sideways at him there'd be no hesitation. I can choose to tolerate things for myself but he can't and I will protect him at any cost. In a way I'm glad all these things happened my first week of sobriety. This is the time when my commitment is the highest and there's no complacency. I have faced all of my top triggers and proved to myself I could survive these situations without getting high. Sucked...but I did it.

cleaninLI

Thanks for your reply. Especially in such a well thought way to my less than encouraging post. It seems you aren't in denial about your situation. I've been married 26 years and will be the last person to advise someone to throw their less than perfect marriage away. I know in my own marriage that people can get better. Half way through my marriage, my husband was diagnosed with diabetes. When his sugar went high so would his temper. Never physically abusive, but would throw things and yell and scream. He said he had a hard time controlling it and was a reaction to his increased sugar levels. Once he learned how to manage his sugar levels better, the explosive rages subsided too. Once in a great while, when in very stressfull situations it flares up. No more than once or twice a year now. I also understand why you don't discuss these things with your Mom. I know if I had mentioned my husbands raging episodes with my mother she never would have forgotten it.

I am impressed that you've managed to stay clean throughout this ordeal. That's wonderful! Congratuations!