Suboxone Taper Journal
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Suboxone Taper Journal
Hey, Everybody,
I'm starting this journal to hold myself accountable for my Suboxone taper. More importantly, my story might help someone else.
Each post will focus on a different topic in my recovery, and I will share my history, feelings and struggles in the present day. I do not have a lot of close friends in this area of Oklahoma who know about my drug history due to my professional life, so this thread is going to be a huge part of my recovery: I need a place to be open and honest, without fear of retribution. Feel free to put me on "ignore" if my thread starts to bother you. I wish there were a forum dedicated to threads like this, but since there is not, I'm posting here.
I'd like to start by saying that I did this Suboxone taper before. I was shooting 80 mg of Oxycontin and entered Suboxone treatment in May 2008. Suboxone was very new then, so I was using the pill form. I was one of the first patients in my area and also the biggest success story at the time.
I took my Suboxone as prescribed and jumped at 1mg in November 2009. For 18 months, I was opiate-free.
After six months, I quit going to NA and started drinking alcohol. After a month of drinking, I added daily pot smoking to my revised repertoire.
I had justifiable reasons for quitting NA - several members had begun to harass me. They even showed up at my workplace a couple of times despite the fact that I explicitly set my boundaries in no uncertain terms: my work life and personal life must remain separate. I am not a rich person, I need work, and I'd spent five years hungry and getting paid peanuts to advance in my field. True, I was a total workaholic, but they had no business getting involved.
Rather than checking out AA to escape my NA stalkers, I simply quit doing the work. I've since discovered that when you quit doing the work, the program stops working.
After a year of smoking and drinking on the daily, I added Xanax and also the occasional Adderrall to the mix. Every day, I was popping pills, drinking and smoking pot. I justified it by saying that I was taking them orally. Today, that just seems ridiculous. Why should that be any better? I was still high as a kite!
I started blacking out everyday, but since I was in a steady relationship with another alcoholic, I was safe. We just drank until we passed out together, and he wasn't aware I was also taking pills. Our sex life did not exist, and he was kind, caring, and financially stable with plenty of money, so physically, it was the perfect situation for a female addict to be in.
I decided to pay for plastic surgery to get rid of unwanted scars from a bad decision I'd make almost a decade prior. Although I underwent the surgery without using morphine or even anesthesia (instead, the anesthesiologist gave me another form of non-narcotic pain killing sedative), the doctor did encourage me to take Ultram post-surgery and gave me a two week prescription for 2 per day.
Let this be a warning to all: for a drug addict who'd been clean of opiates for over a year, the Ultram felt as powerful as heroin to me. My mind is very sensitive to opiates. I'm not deluded about this reality today.
Although I took the medication as prescribed, at the maximum dose allowed, naturally, I still experienced two weeks of miserable withdrawal symptoms and a lot of pain when I ran out. I promptly tried to treat these symptoms on my own.
I began hanging out with another guy who had been a friend for years at this point. I still went home to my kind alcoholic boyfriend at night to sleep.
This other guy and I'd never been anything more than platonic friends. I kept on him to find me pain pills, and he was in love with me enough to do anything I asked, without expecting a reward. That guy is a really good guy. Sadly, he is also the worst alcoholic I have ever known and these days, he's looking near death.
I started taking the occasional pain pill. Then, one Spring night with a full moon, I called one of my old dealers. I drove out to meet her and scored a handful of pain pills.
I left my kind boyfriend and took up with a guy I'd met through my other guy friend. This new guy was a sexy mess, and also abused drugs and alcohol. Worst of all, he had a small child living with him. I never used in front of him, but I abused throughout the beginning of our relationship, and he didn't seem to mind since I was available for him night and day. He claimed to be very much in love with me, and I believe that he believed that. I also believe he was sicker than I was, in some ways, and had no concept of healthy adult love since he had never experienced it himself.
Finally, I got into Suboxone treatment for the second time in the fall of 2011. The second time was much harder than the first. I experienced withdrawal symptoms due to the insane amount of pain pills I'd been using. My life savings? Gone. My chance to move out of Oklahoma to experience something else? Gone. My self-respect? Shattered.
The difference between my first stint with Suboxone and my second stint with Suboxone is that, this time, I went to AA meetings every day and got a better sponsor right away. I worked the steps, for the first time in my life, even though I'd been introduced to AA ten years ago. Through AA, I was able to understand my disease and to gain hope and strength for my recovery.
At the initial stage of treatment, my boyfriend was more or less uninterested in my recovery. However, by this point, he'd become an addiction all his own. I couldn't leave him, despite repeated attempts to do so. He'd become emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive, but I felt desolate and empty whenever I left him, and so I always returned to the abuse.
Throughout all of this insanity, I'd managed to hold a very competitive job in my field and manage large-scale projects involving hundreds of people. I was a rabid workaholic. I stayed at that job regardless of the fact that my boss psychologically and emotionally abused her staff. She had it out for me in particular, since I worked so hard and others viewed me as highly competent and capable, a reputation that she herself did not share to the same degree.
Somehow, I survived that first year. Recently, I got a much slower-paced job in a nearby city. So, here I am. I've survived. Just barely.
There are many times when I've considered suicide over the last year, but I can proudly say I managed to not harm my physical self at all. As an older, wiser version of the girl I used to be, I'm active in the AA community in my new city, and I've joined a church. I strive to build my spiritual self each day.
It's not always been roses: my sponsor abandoned me at a critical stage in my recovery because I went from a low-maintenance workaholic sponsee to a high-maintenance sponsee withdrawing from an addictive relationship, workaholism, alcoholism, pot addiction and just grieving many endings and changes in general, so I did briefly relapse on alcohol only, but I've since turned to God. I'm newly sober again, and very grateful. I'm now completely in recovery, for the first time in my entire life: no alcohol; no drugs; and AA.
As an opiate addict, I can't believe alcohol abstinence is NOT part of my recovery. My relapse began with alcohol, but it ended with me nearly ruining my life on opiates.
Thanks for letting me share this with anyone who bothered to read it all. Now, let me share about my plan for Suboxone treatment.
I'm currently on 7 to 8 mg per day. The plan was to get down to 7 mg this week, but with all of the changes in my life (the abusive boyfriend gone, the abusive boss gone and the fallout from that trauma; workaholism abstinence; my friends gone; in a new city, with a new home and a new job, and all new people), I've felt that my chances of relapse are very high.
I need to be finished with Suboxone treatment by the end of 2013. Next year, I want to either get my masters or begin a new career. I'm giving myself one year to "get it together", so to speak. God willing!
I pray everyday. I have to. This disease has mauled me. I feel like I've been attacked by wild dogs.
I'll post an update after my doctor appointment next Saturday with the Suboxone doctor.
THANK YOU - I have so much gratitude for this site and for the opportunity to tell my story! Just sharing the truth with all of you is medicine for my heart. More importantly, the thought that someone else might benefit from my story makes me want to cry with joy - I hope something good comes from my life. I want to believe something good will blossom and stretch to the sun from it all.
Namaste,
Grace xo
I'm starting this journal to hold myself accountable for my Suboxone taper. More importantly, my story might help someone else.
Each post will focus on a different topic in my recovery, and I will share my history, feelings and struggles in the present day. I do not have a lot of close friends in this area of Oklahoma who know about my drug history due to my professional life, so this thread is going to be a huge part of my recovery: I need a place to be open and honest, without fear of retribution. Feel free to put me on "ignore" if my thread starts to bother you. I wish there were a forum dedicated to threads like this, but since there is not, I'm posting here.
I'd like to start by saying that I did this Suboxone taper before. I was shooting 80 mg of Oxycontin and entered Suboxone treatment in May 2008. Suboxone was very new then, so I was using the pill form. I was one of the first patients in my area and also the biggest success story at the time.
I took my Suboxone as prescribed and jumped at 1mg in November 2009. For 18 months, I was opiate-free.
After six months, I quit going to NA and started drinking alcohol. After a month of drinking, I added daily pot smoking to my revised repertoire.
I had justifiable reasons for quitting NA - several members had begun to harass me. They even showed up at my workplace a couple of times despite the fact that I explicitly set my boundaries in no uncertain terms: my work life and personal life must remain separate. I am not a rich person, I need work, and I'd spent five years hungry and getting paid peanuts to advance in my field. True, I was a total workaholic, but they had no business getting involved.
Rather than checking out AA to escape my NA stalkers, I simply quit doing the work. I've since discovered that when you quit doing the work, the program stops working.
After a year of smoking and drinking on the daily, I added Xanax and also the occasional Adderrall to the mix. Every day, I was popping pills, drinking and smoking pot. I justified it by saying that I was taking them orally. Today, that just seems ridiculous. Why should that be any better? I was still high as a kite!
I started blacking out everyday, but since I was in a steady relationship with another alcoholic, I was safe. We just drank until we passed out together, and he wasn't aware I was also taking pills. Our sex life did not exist, and he was kind, caring, and financially stable with plenty of money, so physically, it was the perfect situation for a female addict to be in.
I decided to pay for plastic surgery to get rid of unwanted scars from a bad decision I'd make almost a decade prior. Although I underwent the surgery without using morphine or even anesthesia (instead, the anesthesiologist gave me another form of non-narcotic pain killing sedative), the doctor did encourage me to take Ultram post-surgery and gave me a two week prescription for 2 per day.
Let this be a warning to all: for a drug addict who'd been clean of opiates for over a year, the Ultram felt as powerful as heroin to me. My mind is very sensitive to opiates. I'm not deluded about this reality today.
Although I took the medication as prescribed, at the maximum dose allowed, naturally, I still experienced two weeks of miserable withdrawal symptoms and a lot of pain when I ran out. I promptly tried to treat these symptoms on my own.
I began hanging out with another guy who had been a friend for years at this point. I still went home to my kind alcoholic boyfriend at night to sleep.
This other guy and I'd never been anything more than platonic friends. I kept on him to find me pain pills, and he was in love with me enough to do anything I asked, without expecting a reward. That guy is a really good guy. Sadly, he is also the worst alcoholic I have ever known and these days, he's looking near death.
I started taking the occasional pain pill. Then, one Spring night with a full moon, I called one of my old dealers. I drove out to meet her and scored a handful of pain pills.
I left my kind boyfriend and took up with a guy I'd met through my other guy friend. This new guy was a sexy mess, and also abused drugs and alcohol. Worst of all, he had a small child living with him. I never used in front of him, but I abused throughout the beginning of our relationship, and he didn't seem to mind since I was available for him night and day. He claimed to be very much in love with me, and I believe that he believed that. I also believe he was sicker than I was, in some ways, and had no concept of healthy adult love since he had never experienced it himself.
Finally, I got into Suboxone treatment for the second time in the fall of 2011. The second time was much harder than the first. I experienced withdrawal symptoms due to the insane amount of pain pills I'd been using. My life savings? Gone. My chance to move out of Oklahoma to experience something else? Gone. My self-respect? Shattered.
The difference between my first stint with Suboxone and my second stint with Suboxone is that, this time, I went to AA meetings every day and got a better sponsor right away. I worked the steps, for the first time in my life, even though I'd been introduced to AA ten years ago. Through AA, I was able to understand my disease and to gain hope and strength for my recovery.
At the initial stage of treatment, my boyfriend was more or less uninterested in my recovery. However, by this point, he'd become an addiction all his own. I couldn't leave him, despite repeated attempts to do so. He'd become emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive, but I felt desolate and empty whenever I left him, and so I always returned to the abuse.
Throughout all of this insanity, I'd managed to hold a very competitive job in my field and manage large-scale projects involving hundreds of people. I was a rabid workaholic. I stayed at that job regardless of the fact that my boss psychologically and emotionally abused her staff. She had it out for me in particular, since I worked so hard and others viewed me as highly competent and capable, a reputation that she herself did not share to the same degree.
Somehow, I survived that first year. Recently, I got a much slower-paced job in a nearby city. So, here I am. I've survived. Just barely.
There are many times when I've considered suicide over the last year, but I can proudly say I managed to not harm my physical self at all. As an older, wiser version of the girl I used to be, I'm active in the AA community in my new city, and I've joined a church. I strive to build my spiritual self each day.
It's not always been roses: my sponsor abandoned me at a critical stage in my recovery because I went from a low-maintenance workaholic sponsee to a high-maintenance sponsee withdrawing from an addictive relationship, workaholism, alcoholism, pot addiction and just grieving many endings and changes in general, so I did briefly relapse on alcohol only, but I've since turned to God. I'm newly sober again, and very grateful. I'm now completely in recovery, for the first time in my entire life: no alcohol; no drugs; and AA.
As an opiate addict, I can't believe alcohol abstinence is NOT part of my recovery. My relapse began with alcohol, but it ended with me nearly ruining my life on opiates.
Thanks for letting me share this with anyone who bothered to read it all. Now, let me share about my plan for Suboxone treatment.
I'm currently on 7 to 8 mg per day. The plan was to get down to 7 mg this week, but with all of the changes in my life (the abusive boyfriend gone, the abusive boss gone and the fallout from that trauma; workaholism abstinence; my friends gone; in a new city, with a new home and a new job, and all new people), I've felt that my chances of relapse are very high.
I need to be finished with Suboxone treatment by the end of 2013. Next year, I want to either get my masters or begin a new career. I'm giving myself one year to "get it together", so to speak. God willing!
I pray everyday. I have to. This disease has mauled me. I feel like I've been attacked by wild dogs.
I'll post an update after my doctor appointment next Saturday with the Suboxone doctor.
THANK YOU - I have so much gratitude for this site and for the opportunity to tell my story! Just sharing the truth with all of you is medicine for my heart. More importantly, the thought that someone else might benefit from my story makes me want to cry with joy - I hope something good comes from my life. I want to believe something good will blossom and stretch to the sun from it all.
Namaste,
Grace xo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 31
Hi Grace,
Thanks for the story. Compelling stuff. I successfully weaned from Suboxone 1 1/2 months ago and love my sober life. I like your plan and hope that you can get out from under the Suboxone before years end. I haven't been able to stop the relapse merry-go-round, but hope that this time it will be different. The thing that I believe is responsible is alcohol, so I've cut that out too.
Anyhow, good luck and namaste.....
Thanks for the story. Compelling stuff. I successfully weaned from Suboxone 1 1/2 months ago and love my sober life. I like your plan and hope that you can get out from under the Suboxone before years end. I haven't been able to stop the relapse merry-go-round, but hope that this time it will be different. The thing that I believe is responsible is alcohol, so I've cut that out too.
Anyhow, good luck and namaste.....
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Thanks, Outfielder, I completely agree with you ... It starts with alcohol. I'm very active in AA and believe without it I am doomed to ride the relapse merry-go-round for the rest of my life. Even so, I have to remember to put principles before personalities. Not all people have been supportive or even helpful. My sponsor abandoned me completely and then started rumors about me, causing me to lose friends ... It's been a rough year for me. I hope things start looking up for me come Spring.
Saw the doctor on Saturday. I'm tapering down to 6 mg this week.
I'm feeling pretty depressed and am looking for a psychiatrist to start treatment with. Lovesick, really, because of my relationship ending. I feel absolutely terrible. Alone and emotionally destroyed. But I hope to feel better soon.
Even though I've got to get down to 6mg now ....
I wish I'd never relapsed. This last relapse has done me in ... If you guys ever get sober, please don't go back out. If I'd stayed sober after my last treatment, my life would be very different and much better today.
Hope you're all well,
Grace
Saw the doctor on Saturday. I'm tapering down to 6 mg this week.
I'm feeling pretty depressed and am looking for a psychiatrist to start treatment with. Lovesick, really, because of my relationship ending. I feel absolutely terrible. Alone and emotionally destroyed. But I hope to feel better soon.
Even though I've got to get down to 6mg now ....
I wish I'd never relapsed. This last relapse has done me in ... If you guys ever get sober, please don't go back out. If I'd stayed sober after my last treatment, my life would be very different and much better today.
Hope you're all well,
Grace
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thanks for your posts, Grace. I believe whenever we share our story we help someone else. Maybe someone who is just lurking, not a member, but who will see themselves in our stories. Reading of relapse helps me to keep vigilant about that. I've had some slips while on suboxone, the worst were at the beginning. Like you I was injecting oxy as well as dilaudid and I know it would only take one pill to be off and running.l
I hope you keep posting. I"m on a higher dose of subs, and tapering under doctor's protocol. I'm nervous about further decreases so it helps reading of other's experiences.
Peace to you.
I hope you keep posting. I"m on a higher dose of subs, and tapering under doctor's protocol. I'm nervous about further decreases so it helps reading of other's experiences.
Peace to you.
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
"You'll hit your bottom when you quit digging"
I've dug myself quite a hole ... I've made myself quite a bed ... Addiction is a form of self-mutilation. There is no doubt in my mind about this fact today.
Going to a meeting each day, hitting my knees each morning and night. No more "playing recovery" because today, I want to be happy and free. The days of having fun sneaking a drink or using a drug are no more. The lines on my face are telling me that the party is over, everybody has left and gone home, I have an enormous hangover, and there is one hell of a mess to clean up now.
Finally got my house cleaned and put together. Really grateful to live where I do, in a cool part of town.
My sponsor is awesome. She is a winner and a good role model.
Slowly inching my way down to 6 mg per day now ... No day like today.
Love,
Grace
I've dug myself quite a hole ... I've made myself quite a bed ... Addiction is a form of self-mutilation. There is no doubt in my mind about this fact today.
Going to a meeting each day, hitting my knees each morning and night. No more "playing recovery" because today, I want to be happy and free. The days of having fun sneaking a drink or using a drug are no more. The lines on my face are telling me that the party is over, everybody has left and gone home, I have an enormous hangover, and there is one hell of a mess to clean up now.
Finally got my house cleaned and put together. Really grateful to live where I do, in a cool part of town.
My sponsor is awesome. She is a winner and a good role model.
Slowly inching my way down to 6 mg per day now ... No day like today.
Love,
Grace
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Good luck with your suboxone withdrawal. You should check into being a writer. Your story was easy to read and very interesting, too bad it wasnt fiction! Right? Oh that little orange pill. That taste, that flavor. The pill I hate to love and love to hate. Over seven years. Currently 4 mg per day.
I cant take the not sleeping and restless arms and legs. Makes me mental.
Dont know how I will manage to get off this stuff.
I will follow all your postings as you continue your journey.
Maybe I should join you.
I cant take the not sleeping and restless arms and legs. Makes me mental.
Dont know how I will manage to get off this stuff.
I will follow all your postings as you continue your journey.
Maybe I should join you.
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Oh yeah I have been alcohol free for almost 25 years. I am having a lot of difficulty with my oldest son. I expressed this a couple of times at a meeting and asked people to talk to me about it after the meeting. Not one person got near me or attempted to talk and ask how I was doing. I was kind of bummed about it too. But of course I effing rationalize everything and figured it isnt up to them to help me, but a little human interaction and compassion would have been nice. Oh well.
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Thank you, Bozo. I appreciate the compliment. I definitely wish my story were fiction! haha 
True story.
I'm sorry to hear about your son, Alex. I suggest checking out Al-Anon. That is the best support for families of addicts and alcoholics.
True story. I'm sorry to hear about your son, Alex. I suggest checking out Al-Anon. That is the best support for families of addicts and alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 304
Bozo if you want to get off the suboxones, just start decreasing your dosage. I've been slowly but surely reducing right down to .25mg crumbs. Skipping days in between. Now I'm day 5. Still have .25mgs left and that's it. I'm feeling a little withdrawal effects, but it's not bad so far. If it doesn't get any worse than this, I'm going to be very happy. we will see how it goes
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
I'm now going from 6 mg per day to 5 mg per day. I've found that there is a week of adjustment for each decrease, but that it fades with time.
I'm doing much better in my recovery. God has removed the desire to drink, although occasionally I still feel the desire to get high. I'm meditating each night before sleep and truly feeling like a better version of myself, more true to myself, and very grateful. Thanks to all! Much love.
I'm doing much better in my recovery. God has removed the desire to drink, although occasionally I still feel the desire to get high. I'm meditating each night before sleep and truly feeling like a better version of myself, more true to myself, and very grateful. Thanks to all! Much love.
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Down to 4 mg per day and experiencing significant cravings. But I just ate a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips with the hottest sauce possible for an endorphin rush, so I feel ok.
I don't recommend abusing food to deal with cravings ... normally, I'd go to the gym, but today I had to meet deadlines on a couple of projects (taxes and other things ... procrastination, I know). Going to the gym and working up a sweat makes withdrawal symptoms disappear (at first, you won't think so, but stick with it for at least 5 minutes, you'll see!). I messed up today but at least I did not use.
I'm missing being high really badly but I know if I don't get thru this uncomfortable craving period, I will never get and stay clean. And I want to live clean more than anything in the whole world!
I don't recommend abusing food to deal with cravings ... normally, I'd go to the gym, but today I had to meet deadlines on a couple of projects (taxes and other things ... procrastination, I know). Going to the gym and working up a sweat makes withdrawal symptoms disappear (at first, you won't think so, but stick with it for at least 5 minutes, you'll see!). I messed up today but at least I did not use.
I'm missing being high really badly but I know if I don't get thru this uncomfortable craving period, I will never get and stay clean. And I want to live clean more than anything in the whole world!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 94
Congrats on lowering your dosage once again Grace. People have no clue what this disease is until they go through it themselves, yet I obviously do not recommend it to anyone.
Please keep up with the posting. I see most people will post a lot in the beginning and kind of taper down once they get further into their recovery. I know in the beginning it's the hardest and most crucial time at first. What makes me happy is people coming back on to share their 3 month, 6 month, and then yearly recoveries with all of us. It truly gives me hope that one day I can come back and do the same.
All the best Grace,
J
Please keep up with the posting. I see most people will post a lot in the beginning and kind of taper down once they get further into their recovery. I know in the beginning it's the hardest and most crucial time at first. What makes me happy is people coming back on to share their 3 month, 6 month, and then yearly recoveries with all of us. It truly gives me hope that one day I can come back and do the same.
All the best Grace,
J
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
Grace, thank you so much for such an amazing story
As a newly (once again) recovering addict, this time getting clean from oxys and hydros, I really needed to hear your story.
A lot of it resonated with me and also scared the crap (can I say that on SR?) out of me!!
I am in my first 30 days clean and need to hear the horror of relapse.
I do not need to go on a maintenance drug at this time, since the amount I used was not as big as some I have read about on here.
I don't have cravings... I do have depression... but will get that treated appropriately if it does not resolve.
I do not want to go through suboxone treatment and if I stay clean there is a darn good chance I will never need to.
I agree that if a fellowship or meeting or sponsor does not continue to work for us, find a new one... anything to stay in the work.
I wish you the best and will pray for your continued recovery and a successful jump off of suboxone.
A lot of it resonated with me and also scared the crap (can I say that on SR?) out of me!!
I am in my first 30 days clean and need to hear the horror of relapse.
I do not need to go on a maintenance drug at this time, since the amount I used was not as big as some I have read about on here.
I don't have cravings... I do have depression... but will get that treated appropriately if it does not resolve.
I do not want to go through suboxone treatment and if I stay clean there is a darn good chance I will never need to.
I agree that if a fellowship or meeting or sponsor does not continue to work for us, find a new one... anything to stay in the work.
I wish you the best and will pray for your continued recovery and a successful jump off of suboxone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Slippery Rock Pa
Posts: 3
Dearest GraceRecovery, I'm so grateful to find this place & your posts! I'm down to 3/4's of a mg of suboxone. My addiction was once pain pills until I found methadone & later suboxone. Yesterday wd's were ruff, the time just dragged so bad at work! For the past 3 days I'm laying down from sheer exhaustion after work. I stopped going to my sub dr & plan to jump soon. When my body gets a touch more comfortable ill wean down to 1/2 mg then a 1/4 of a mg. it's been 2 of the longest months weaning from 8mgs down to 3/4's of a mg. thank you for not only telling your story but for keeping in touch with others.
I'm so scared & feel now that I should just jump I feel like I'm aggravating my body. I'm on sub films & a sub last me anywhere from a week to 2. I want to join NA but worry because your experience is not the 1st I've heard with them going overboard. I just wanted to say hello & thank you. Ill be a reg here.
Carolyne
I'm so scared & feel now that I should just jump I feel like I'm aggravating my body. I'm on sub films & a sub last me anywhere from a week to 2. I want to join NA but worry because your experience is not the 1st I've heard with them going overboard. I just wanted to say hello & thank you. Ill be a reg here.
Carolyne
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Knittingcowgirl, good to hear from you!! I now attend AA and NA religiously - and although the word "religious" would have scared me a year ago, let me tell you, there's nothing better in my life today than the program! I see people without a program and they are filled with misplaced ambition, confusion, and jealousy/people-pleasing/misguided competitive spirit. Today, I feel bad for non-alcoholics and addicts, because becoming "spiritually fit" is the most beautiful thing in the whole world! My sister is not an addict, but I recommended that she check out a local meditation center and try to find a God of her own understanding. Life is so beautiful, powerful and mysterious, and amazing things can happen for the person who truly believes in a guiding power for themselves who cares for them and protects them! So many gifts are given to those who believe ... Today, I'm not lying when I say I'm grateful for the program. I'd want one, no matter what.
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Wow, down to 4 mgs. Struggling for no apparent reason - there are so many wonderful things happening in my life today, and on Saturday I abused my medication for the first time in treatment. I took 8 mg and drank 4 beers.
What happened?! I was doing so well a few weeks ago!! All I can figure is that my ex and I agreed to stop speaking, and that's left a hole in my heart. I also moved into a new house and the transition has left me without structure, something that's imminently terrifying to me now. Trying to get into a routine ASAP.
I'm getting myself back on track with my medication, but more importantly, I'm attending one meeting each day and getting myself on a strict routine that includes regular exercise, meditation AND prayer. Thirty minutes of intense cardio first thing each morning, prior to taking my medication, to get me used to doing hard stuff without medicine. Then, five minutes of meditation. Then, a prayer asking God to keep me sober. At night, five minutes of meditation. Yoga as often as possible, and prayer thanking God for my sobriety. Each. and. every. day.
What happened?! I was doing so well a few weeks ago!! All I can figure is that my ex and I agreed to stop speaking, and that's left a hole in my heart. I also moved into a new house and the transition has left me without structure, something that's imminently terrifying to me now. Trying to get into a routine ASAP.
I'm getting myself back on track with my medication, but more importantly, I'm attending one meeting each day and getting myself on a strict routine that includes regular exercise, meditation AND prayer. Thirty minutes of intense cardio first thing each morning, prior to taking my medication, to get me used to doing hard stuff without medicine. Then, five minutes of meditation. Then, a prayer asking God to keep me sober. At night, five minutes of meditation. Yoga as often as possible, and prayer thanking God for my sobriety. Each. and. every. day.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hi Grace, it's good to hear from you. I understand about how you can be doing fine and then all of a sudden you're not. I had a few really good weeks, was feeling strong in my recovery, wasn't having cravings which was a miracle, then all of sudden, out of nowhere right back to feeling bad, depressed, horrible cravings. I spoke with my counselor and she assured me that this is normal and just a part of recovery.
And you've had some really big changes happen so it's natural that your mind would go to where it is used to going to when you feel stressed--use! But you aren't staying stuck there and are taking good care of yourself and that is what makes all the difference. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will get through this tough time. Each day you will grow stronger and the desire to use will keep getting less and less.
And you've had some really big changes happen so it's natural that your mind would go to where it is used to going to when you feel stressed--use! But you aren't staying stuck there and are taking good care of yourself and that is what makes all the difference. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will get through this tough time. Each day you will grow stronger and the desire to use will keep getting less and less.
In Bloom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 33
Getting down to 2 mgs per day. Looking forward to being completely clean by 2014. Still entertain thoughts of getting high, really high again.
So, what I've decided, because my life is very up in the air and anything could really happen in the next few years (nothing too scary about that, right?), I will take the advice of others in the program and take my sobriety one day at a time. Meaning, I literally can get high tomorrow, and that's ok. But I can't get high today. Just not today. And that is all!
So, what I've decided, because my life is very up in the air and anything could really happen in the next few years (nothing too scary about that, right?), I will take the advice of others in the program and take my sobriety one day at a time. Meaning, I literally can get high tomorrow, and that's ok. But I can't get high today. Just not today. And that is all!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
