Day 10
Hey clean welcome back. I appreciate the outsiders view actually. I've been in this vacuum for so long it's hard to get that perspective anymore. Going to my mothers has been a recent strategy. I've only done it 2 or 3 times because sadly it's taken me this many years to figure out it's the only somewhat effective solution. Up until this last year I didn't discuss my husbands PTSD with my family because it is much easier for me to forgive than it would be for them. It only came out because they saw it on a family vacation and I finally educated them. Even still I don't give details I just say "we're fighting." And she doesn't pry. I know she wants to know.. But I know even more that she doesn't want to know. It's a delicate conversation with my husband. He feels awful afterwards and me rubbing it in or holding it over his head for long periods of time will often reignite the fire. During my entire pregnancy- not 1 episode? How did he control it then? I want that answer but still haven't gotten it. He keeps saying "but I've gotten better I think right?" And he has at times but the last 6 months have been consistent. I finally had the courage to say no it hasn't, it's every 4-6 weeks and that kinda pissed him off but when I listed the trigger event of each one he knew I wasn't exaggerating. When he first busted me getting deep into pills I think he did get some satisfaction or some relief from being on the other side of the fence and not in the wrong for once. He forced me into CT which I think I may have said already but it was pointless because I wasn't ready to quit. I do believe he will get help because he is finally seeing how terrible it is for our son. Even if he doesn't do it for me he'll do it for him and the motivation doesn't matter as long as it's there. As for wanting to keep me sick - I think he wishes he had that ace in the hole this time but I'm glad he didn't for once. He says he's supportive and wants me to get help but when it comes down to me being gone 3 times a week (only one of which he watches the baby) it does **** him off that there's any focus on me. That came out at the tail end of this last fight. I knew it would get thrown in my face at some point so not shocked. And you're right, when it's him and it's good it's great. We're a well oiled machine. But these times come out of nowhere and it took a long time to build callouses to it. It took a lot of drugs to kill my memories and allow me to truly forgive and forget. But now I want memories... Hence why I decided to quit. I have been told a thousand times to leave him but no one can make that decision for anyone no matter what the writing on the wall is. I'm stubborn, I'm loyal and I love him for who he is the majority of the time. My mom knows that too and just told me that leaving someone is the same as falling in love with someone- when you know you just know. Just hasn't hit me yet but with a child that could change very easily. If he ever looked sideways at him there'd be no hesitation. I can choose to tolerate things for myself but he can't and I will protect him at any cost. In a way I'm glad all these things happened my first week of sobriety. This is the time when my commitment is the highest and there's no complacency. I have faced all of my top triggers and proved to myself I could survive these situations without getting high. Sucked...but I did it.