Day 4
97.25 hours clean. Today was hard. Not gonna lie it's been a struggle. I had zero cravings by the end of day 1, not many day 2, a few day 3, and today it's pretty strong. I don't know if I should ask the dr about adjusting the dosage or what but I think I'll call tomorrow to ask. Obviously my doc is the best source of advice but anyone else have experience with this? Any input would be appreciated.
I had a pretty productive day again and was feeling ok. I was in the car for like 6 hours today running around to different vendors for work. I started getting a craving this afternoon and got a pumpkin spiced latte instead. I took my son to daycare so he wouldn't be stuck in the car all day and planned to meet my mom at the mall tonight. I was running about 30 min behind and my husband called to say he was home. I asked if he could pick up our boy and he agreed no problem. So I get a call on the way home from him and he just erupts about my job taking up too much of my time and not making enough money to justify not having the house clean and dinner made blah blah blah. So I know this is the start of "an episode." He was screaming into the phone within 5 minutes. I stayed calm and didn't engage. I tried to understand exactly what he was upset about and it morphed several times until he yelled "I can't explain it right now so I don't even know!" I said "are you saying you want me to quit my job?" And he snapped "no! That's not what I'm saying!" But was listing all the bad things that stem from me working. So if I work I fail at all these other things and that upsets him but noooooo not saying quit. This happened with my last job too where he laid into me constantly about how terrible it was and the company was and I was miserable for years because of it. So I know this is not the real problem it's just the face of it this time around. I took the baby and left to meet my mom. I texted him that I understand and share his frustration but this isn't good for me. He knows this is my trigger. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - out of nowhere - I am disrupted and thrown off and have no choice but to wait it out regardless of what I feel or want because there's no reasoning like this only escalation - so I use. I numb. I check out of the madness. But I didn't. I want to but I haven't. I ******* hate this.