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Old 03-06-2013, 03:57 PM
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help

I am in trouble. I will not use. But I don't know how to proceed to live. I have called someone in recovery; they are on their way over. I am reaching out out of instinct but

My wife is using again. She came home to me after 24 years of a life sentence fifteen months ago. She just gave the DOC a dirty UA... she doesn't want to quit. My heart is.. I don't know. I have someone in recvery coming...work after that...then I will come home and check this. Thats all I know to do.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:05 PM
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Oh no legna...no no. I am so sorry. What will happen as a result of the dirty UA, as surely that is a VOP? So glad you reached out to someone and they are coming. Even more glad that you will not use. If ever there was a time to keep your wits about you...it is now. Take things step by step here, or you will go under.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:08 PM
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legna don't give up. You must choose to move forward. Please keep us up to date.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Received View Post
legna don't give up. You must choose to move forward.
Why? PLease believe that I am not trying to be melodramatic when I ask that.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by legna View Post
Why? PLease believe that I am not trying to be melodramatic when I ask that.
Because the alternative is pure horror and you do not deserve that. Please don't give up. Keep walking ahead, legna. You CAN do this.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:24 PM
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Legna. Think about Roger. Roger knew pain yet he kept coming back and not using. Think about the judge who's daughter you ended up baking a cake for without even knowing at the time it was this judge's daughter.
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Old 03-06-2013, 04:26 PM
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What's going on? Did you get any support from the friend you called? Where is your wife? How are you doing?
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:22 PM
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Wife is ... well, she told me that she is at work. I had some recovery visitors... they have gone and I'm on my way to work. I'm lost. Thank you both.

I don't want to use just... I've heard people talk about willing themselves to death and that feels off right now...more like I have to will myself to not die. As if I stopped willing myself to not die, then I would just go. That's the why I asked about. Why am I not suppose to let go? I know now...she might need me, but if she dies or goes away for life... we've done a quarter of a century, don't think I have any more in me.

I'm not going to kill myself. But I'm tired. Sometimes I think that the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too stubborn to die... but right now the only action that seems reasonable is to refuse to come out of the corner and tell the referee, "No mas."
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:32 PM
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I don't even like looking down the road you are walking on, Friend.

I have no words, but I have hope. Willing it to you as hard as I can.
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Old 03-06-2013, 05:48 PM
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I have hope too legna. You do not know what is going to happen yet.

From reading your story, you are no stranger to extreme difficulty. You have come through circumstances that most others would never have been able to. You have done this before, you have somehow known how to do what needs to be done when facing seemingly insurrmountable obstacles. I know you're tired...but go slowly, hobble if you have to but just don't let go...don't slip under.

Thinking of you.
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Old 03-06-2013, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by legna View Post
I am in trouble. I will not use. But I don't know how to proceed to live. I have called someone in recovery; they are on their way over. I am reaching out out of instinct but

My wife is using again. She came home to me after 24 years of a life sentence fifteen months ago. She just gave the DOC a dirty UA... she doesn't want to quit. My heart is.. I don't know. I have someone in recvery coming...work after that...then I will come home and check this. Thats all I know to do.
Legna,
I have no words of wisdom but want to tell you my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe something good will come of this. Hang in there Legna
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by legna View Post
Why? Please believe that I am not trying to be melodramatic when I ask that.
Because you've come too far to give up, Angel. Because every night, no matter how dark or long, inevitably leads to a new day. You know that from personal experience.

I'm really sorry you're going through this now, but glad you have your sobriety to hold onto. When I quit, I assumed hard times would be harder. But when the hard times came, I realized abstinence was actually a source of strength. When everything else feels like it's spinning out of control, it's one thing in life that I can actually control. Nothing and no one can take it away from me. It provides a solid, stable place to stand at precisely the time I need it most.

You'll get through this the same way you always have: one step at a time. Take it slow, OK? You will get through this.
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Old 03-06-2013, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble View Post
Because you've come too far to give up, Angel. Because every night, no matter how dark or long, inevitably leads to a new day. You know that from personal experience.

I'm really sorry you're going through this now, but glad you have your sobriety to hold onto. When I quit, I assumed hard times would be harder. But when the hard times came, I realized abstinence was actually a source of strength. When everything else feels like it's spinning out of control, it's one thing in life that I can actually control. Nothing and no one can take it away from me. It provides a solid, stable place to stand at precisely the time I need it most.

You'll get through this the same way you always have: one step at a time. Take it slow, OK? You will get through this.
That was beautiful Ready
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:19 AM
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Wow, Lenga...I woke up at 3AM, thinking about drinking. I should be sleeping, but just a few months into my COMMITMENT to be free from my addiction, it is a struggle. I decided to log-in to SRC...It has been a while and I came across this post.
I hope it helps you that your situation slapped the $&!+ out of me. I am now VERY grateful for my circumstances and my recovery. I am going back to sleep, AFTER I say a prayer thanking God for my recovery AND I am especially praying for you...and your wife.
Thank you for sharing what you are going through.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:00 AM
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Legna, (I apologize, I mis-typed your name on the previous post)
I have prayed for you. I layed down and it just poured out. I prayed for warring angels to hold the enemies of darkness at bay. I prayed for ministering spirits to bring healing, peace, understanding and resolve to your soul. I prayed for warring angels to confront and confound the enemies of darkness from preying on your wife's mind and vulnerabilities.
Man, you are in an epic struggle to continue your trek out of Hell! Keep pressing on and don't look back! Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and turned into a pillar of salt. I have prayed for your wife. Your commitment to her is between you and her and God. Pray that she will make it out with you, but don't look back! Press on! No small parts in the drama of life for you. You have been given a challenge and struggle that DEMANDS extreme perseverance. Do NOT give up, or even look back at the enemies of your soul and the chains of darkness you have been called to walk away from. God will help you. I will continue to pray for you. God Speed, and I expect to see you in VICTORY my friend.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:29 AM
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Legna,

I think I can give an answer as to why....

I have been in different situations, but similar despair and questioning.

In the end...what I know is that sometimes we go through periods of life that are just one bone crushing moment after another...it's harder than HLLL....but after 10 years of that HLL I had 10 years that were pure magic...

We go on because even if it lasts a long time, it's not forever. If I had given in when things were bad...I would have missed what ended up being THE BEST of what human life has to give...

I'm not sure this will help you, but I now judge my life in decades...some I just survive...but I now know that other decades to come can be beyond what I ever thought I would have....

Thats why I don't give up (although I do not have a perfect record of sobriety)...I once heard "the best is yet to come"...It's hard to see when you are in the weeds, but do I really wanna miss the golden moments that lie ahead of me...even if it means that I'm gonna be crying for a very long time...I'm so glad I lived with the horror of life for 2 years to reach the 7 year stint of life being really better than I ever imagined...

Hang in there (hug)
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Old 03-07-2013, 03:34 PM
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First of all, thank you all very much. Although I'd like to consider myself an island...residual old tapes about what a man is et al, I needed to find something there when I woke.

The situation hasn't changed but I've changed my thinking. Grief is what we add to what is taken from us; gratitude is what we add to what is given to us. Grief is not necessary. I very well may lose my wife but I am filled with gratitude, not because of what I may no longer have - but because of what I did have. Whether I have that tomorrow or not doesn't effect the joy that has been added to my life with her in it for all these years.

I've went through some of my old letters and such, found this that I had written many years ago. It helped. I thought I'd share it here:

Other men wake up in the morning, open their eyes and find them resting upon their wives. The might make coffee for her as she cooks breakfast or give her a kiss on their way out the door to work. Other men might give her a call in the middle of the day just to tell her they love her or hear the sound of her voice. They might send her flowers for no particular reason or surprise her by swinging by for lunch. When other men return home from work at the end of their day, their wives might be there to greet them with a smile and a hug. They might cook, sit and eat together; they might cuddle up on the couch together watching a movie or talking about their days and finally, they might head to bed where he can fall asleep knowing she is safe with his arms wrapped lovingly around her.

Other men can see their wives every day; they don’t need another man’s permission to do so. Other men don’t need stand by impotently while personifications of insecurity and fear masquerading as men find new ways to belittle, disrespect and dehumanize her. Other men don’t drive twelve hundred miles every week for the privilege of seeing the woman they love. Their kisses, embraces, letters and phone calls aren’t restricted or monitored. Other men can put their arm around their wife when they sense she needs his touch; they can make her laugh when life’s getting too stressful. Other men can hold their wife when she cries; they can tend to her when she’s sick.

Other men, but not me.

My wife is in prison. The simplest acts of a husband are, on those rare occasions when they are even possible, monumental challenges. While the love is easy, every other aspect of our lives seems incredible hard. And yet, if I take a moment and examine my situation honestly, I would not trade my life for anyone’s on the planet. No other man can call my baby his wife. No other man can lay claim to her love or have her be the willing recipient of his love. I am somehow, miraculously, living the one life I would choose if I could choose amongst all the over six billion lives being lived on earth – the life of the man who is loved by this woman.

How in the life of a man so blessed, the life of a man living the one life he would choose if he was free to choose from all that exist, how is it that he can ever forget to be grateful? How can joy, even for a moment, slip away? How can the pressures of the day, the difficulties at work, or an unkind word from some inconsequential soul – how can that measure next to the greatest gift imaginable? What is it in a man that makes him so quick to forgo his gratitude and joy over even the pettiest of life’s transgressions? I truly regret that I may never know – but I know this: By a gift of human nature, I have the power of choice; and in this moment I resolve, that no matter what challenges life continues to bring, to always remember to experience the joy and gratitude that I am not other men.


Thanks again all. I'm not out of the woods yet, so please don't run off. Here's the situation. She's upstairs sleeping right now and pretty miserable. Her last use was last night while I was at work. She's constantly running to the window every time a car goes by while she is awake...the track marks on her arm hurt my heart. She's waiting in fear for the parole officer and police to show up and take her away. She's agreed to a meeting with her counselor on the twelveth with the goal of in patient treatment. We've been on the phone with the counselor twice today.

The fact is, we're both using this as a ploy to keep her free. As I've told her, my goals are to first keep her alive, second to keep her free. Ultimately, this has the potential to serve both in the short term. It is my hope that her motivation changes along the way. I will come back here and keep you updated - just keep being here to be updated please.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:44 PM
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I feel a bit disingenuous after getting a pm and rereading my last post. Let me just say that thoughts like:

Originally Posted by legna View Post
Grief is what we add to what is taken from us; gratitude is what we add to what is given to us. Grief is not necessary. I very well may lose my wife but I am filled with gratitude, not because of what I may no longer have - but because of what I did have. Whether I have that tomorrow or not doesn't effect the joy that has been added to my life with her in it for all these years.
oscillate with thoughts that are decidely unhealthy. Please believe that I am not beyond violent visualizations... see, even writing this...it's too easy to go there in my head and the answer isn't there. Anyway, I'm wavering constantly...I just keep bringing my attention back to what I call my highest self.

I just don't want to misrepresent myself as not having baser instincts. I've got basement selves that would make a Christian prefer time with their idea of Satan rather than with me. I just try not to feed that part of me.
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Old 03-07-2013, 04:46 PM
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Great report Legna,
You have encouraged me in my own challenges to continue my trek into the newness of life that is freedom from the chains of addiction. I am glad and grateful to hear your words of acceptance, strength, hope, and resolve. It is apparent that you have the heart, character, and presence of mind to see this through. You have others here that will stand by your side and offer encouragement.
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Old 03-07-2013, 05:44 PM
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Legna, Legna, Legna
I was most likely writing my previous post while you were writing your last post. Wow man, I didn't realize you were so screwed up.....just kidding......I still stand by my previous post. We sometimes discount our moments of strength, clarity, and resolve to be the best we can be, and when the reality of our darker self-recollections come, the enemy of our souls and the chains of our past actions and addictions convince us to say...THAT is the REAL ME!...But it is NOT TRUE!!! You cannot reach those heights and make those statements of clarity and resolve unless they are a part of the REAL YOU. In FACT they are the best part of you. They are the REAL YOU, striving on your mission trek out of the Hell of your past thoughts, actions, and addictions. You make those statements because you did hit that high mark on your latest throw of the grappling hook up the rocky incline of the mountain you are on. You looked back, and saw the wreckage of the past, but make it only for a moment to see where you have come from, and to resolve to not keep looking back. Your destiny is not to become a pillar of salt, a casualty marker on the path to the top of the mountain. I can tell from your own words that you have the ABILITY to keep forging ahead. I will NOT accept your last post as a realization of who is the 'Real' you!!! I will accept it as an acknowledgment of where you are coming out of and why. I CHOOSE to believe in what WILL BE the BEST You, as what you are becoming even now in the crucible of your present ordeal. PRESS ON BROTHER...I NEED you to Press On to help convince me I can continue to PRESS ON.
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