First of all, thank you all very much. Although I'd like to consider myself an island...residual old tapes about what a man is et al, I needed to find something there when I woke.
The situation hasn't changed but I've changed my thinking. Grief is what we add to what is taken from us; gratitude is what we add to what is given to us. Grief is not necessary. I very well may lose my wife but I am filled with gratitude, not because of what I may no longer have - but because of what I did have. Whether I have that tomorrow or not doesn't effect the joy that has been added to my life with her in it for all these years.
I've went through some of my old letters and such, found this that I had written many years ago. It helped. I thought I'd share it here:
Other men wake up in the morning, open their eyes and find them resting upon their wives. The might make coffee for her as she cooks breakfast or give her a kiss on their way out the door to work. Other men might give her a call in the middle of the day just to tell her they love her or hear the sound of her voice. They might send her flowers for no particular reason or surprise her by swinging by for lunch. When other men return home from work at the end of their day, their wives might be there to greet them with a smile and a hug. They might cook, sit and eat together; they might cuddle up on the couch together watching a movie or talking about their days and finally, they might head to bed where he can fall asleep knowing she is safe with his arms wrapped lovingly around her.
Other men can see their wives every day; they don’t need another man’s permission to do so. Other men don’t need stand by impotently while personifications of insecurity and fear masquerading as men find new ways to belittle, disrespect and dehumanize her. Other men don’t drive twelve hundred miles every week for the privilege of seeing the woman they love. Their kisses, embraces, letters and phone calls aren’t restricted or monitored. Other men can put their arm around their wife when they sense she needs his touch; they can make her laugh when life’s getting too stressful. Other men can hold their wife when she cries; they can tend to her when she’s sick.
Other men, but not me.
My wife is in prison. The simplest acts of a husband are, on those rare occasions when they are even possible, monumental challenges. While the love is easy, every other aspect of our lives seems incredible hard. And yet, if I take a moment and examine my situation honestly, I would not trade my life for anyone’s on the planet. No other man can call my baby his wife. No other man can lay claim to her love or have her be the willing recipient of his love. I am somehow, miraculously, living the one life I would choose if I could choose amongst all the over six billion lives being lived on earth – the life of the man who is loved by this woman.
How in the life of a man so blessed, the life of a man living the one life he would choose if he was free to choose from all that exist, how is it that he can ever forget to be grateful? How can joy, even for a moment, slip away? How can the pressures of the day, the difficulties at work, or an unkind word from some inconsequential soul – how can that measure next to the greatest gift imaginable? What is it in a man that makes him so quick to forgo his gratitude and joy over even the pettiest of life’s transgressions? I truly regret that I may never know – but I know this: By a gift of human nature, I have the power of choice; and in this moment I resolve, that no matter what challenges life continues to bring, to always remember to experience the joy and gratitude that I am not other men.
Thanks again all. I'm not out of the woods yet, so please don't run off. Here's the situation. She's upstairs sleeping right now and pretty miserable. Her last use was last night while I was at work. She's constantly running to the window every time a car goes by while she is awake...the track marks on her arm hurt my heart. She's waiting in fear for the parole officer and police to show up and take her away. She's agreed to a meeting with her counselor on the twelveth with the goal of in patient treatment. We've been on the phone with the counselor twice today.
The fact is, we're both using this as a ploy to keep her free. As I've told her, my goals are to first keep her alive, second to keep her free. Ultimately, this has the potential to serve both in the short term. It is my hope that her motivation changes along the way. I will come back here and keep you updated - just keep being here to be updated please.