legna

First, I hope it is okay to continue posting here...I know there is a friends and family section but it seems remarkably 12-step, which means it is remarkably god-centered. While I make the necessary adjustments day to day, I'm a bit more sensitive to <deleted inappropriate condescending description>...at the moment.

Anywho, we have an appointment with her mental health counselor and the addiction team on Monday which I hope to make. In the meantime, after 37 hours of detoxing, she's out using again. I'm doing alot of babysitting right now - not just her, but our financial situation, trying to find ways to mitigate the legal repercussions, etc. My point is, I haven't been able to write any updates ... well, seems like forever but probably has been only a day - but I've had time to sneak a peek and see if anyone has responded to this thread since yesterday.

Here's the reality of it, I'm hoping every time that I log on that they'll be a word of encouragement or two. I'm scared, I'm feeling alone, and I'm oscillating between just hanging on and feeling overwhelmed. Add to that mix that I'm now embarrassed cause I'm begging for help. And now I'm embarrassed that I'm embarrassed... heh, humor attempt covered in truth...

trachemys

You have nothing to be embarrassed about and you are not alone. Keep hanging on and let those feelings of being overwhelmed wash over you like the wind. You're doing good things and have my total respect and admiration.

legna

I can't overstate how much I needed this.

Thank you.

trachemys

That's what we're all here for: to give and receive support.

shockozulu

Don't forget the family & friends post right here in Secular too. I happened to use SMART as well as another program in dealing with those abusing substances in my life

soberlicious

I am checking the thread every day, and of course hoping there is good news.

Asking for help requires a great deal of courage and strength. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Does she have a good rapport with this mental health counselor? with the addiction team? Here in FL we have the Marchman Act, whereby a substance abuser can be involuntarily placed for treatment on an emergency basis. It's different than our Baker Act, which is used when a person has threatened suicide or bodily harm to another, with or without substance abuse. The Marchman Act focuses solely on serious substance abuse. Is there anything at all similar where you are?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Continue to hang on, legna...

legna

All I see under secular recovery is secular connections and secular 12-step. Am I missing something? Wait...you said friends and family post... rather than forum... very tired, not enough sleep. If it is a post, I can't find it. Is there any chance you could bump it or post a link please?

legna

Thanks, I thought you would be. *s*

Yes, yes, this is what I tell others....but this is me. You understand the difference, right? I am rolling my eyes at myself right now...

They're friendly...like, counseling sesson over breakfast in our kitchen. Yes, I know. Anyway, the counselor is an amazing woman, very kind, very caring, veryyoung - couldn't have anyone who desire to help is greater. Her capacity for that is somewhat lacking though. On the plus side - she trusts my judgment implicitly and if I say my wife needs x,y, and z - she will put the weight of her office and position behind it without question.

Never met them before.

No...sort of. I can't be more specific without whatever is left of our anonymity shattered and possible legal fallout. I'm sure I've given enough details to hang myself already but this would really pinpoint our location and identity. That said, I think I can get it to be included that walking away from treatment triggers an automatic call to DOC which might end her dreams of another run once she is in a treatment center.

I am...though it seems like I'm hanging on by my throat. Seriously, thanks for leaving some words for me to find. Like I said when I first posted today, I need them. What I didn't say is that each post has brought some tears I needed to shed.

soberlicious

Of course I understand...I also picked Spock ya know, so I totally get it. What I do when I need to, is tell myself what I would tell others. I mean like I tell myself out loud..."Soberlicious, you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed right now. Know it girl...you asked for help because you are strong, and your embarrassment is simply using energy that you cannot spare right now. Leave it behind, it's weighing you down and you gotta move. Let's go. chop chop." OK...so that's what I do. Out Loud. Like I'm talking to a friend. Whacked out, yeah, a little, but it works for me.
This is good!
and this is also very very good!

It looks like there is a bit of hope. Glad you have shed some tears...not letting them out can pull you under. xo

ReadyAndAble

You're embarrassed? Wow, perspective is everything, because from over here you look pretty heroic. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what has to be done in spite of the fear. I am so sorry you are going through this. I really admire the way you're handling it, and I hope your wife takes full advantage of this opportunity. I don't see how you could be doing anymore for her. Keep posting, if only to remind yourself you're not alone.

shockozulu

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

There is your link. You'll see me pop in now and again as well.

GerandTwine

Harper's New Monthly Magazine Volume 0085 Issue 510 (November, 1892)

The very tender story you share in your old letter reminded me of a short story by Richard Harding Davis titled "The Boy Orator of Zapata City" linked above.

I wish you all the best.

deeker

Wow u waited for 24 years. That's loyalty right there my friend. But don't let anythin or anyone risk your recovery.

RDBplus3

Legna,
Encouragement...Also, just because this is the 'Secular' post dies not mean we cannot believe in a 'God' or the concept of a 'Higher Power, Creator, etc' It does mean to me though, that I have chosen to take personal responsibility for my actions, and NOT use the concept of 'God' as a Fairy Godmother. I focus on 'Spirituality' as providing a basis for perspective...of powers that are greater than me, of things beyond my understanding, and proper perspective of my relationship to others around me in life..So, I will continue to pray for you and your wife...and I will continue to give you Encouragement.
RDBplus3

legna

Thank you so much for sharing that story...it was wonderful.

legna

My recovery cannot be threatened by anyone or anything except me. I am responsible.

As for this situation...I don't know for certain, but I think that all situations are similar in that each and every one gives us an opportunity to learn and grow or to squander that opportunity and go the other way. I have learned so much already through this - about me, about love, about acceptance... I really don't know, but sometimes I think I do...that this is what is meant by the saying, "When the student is ready the teacher will appear."

She remains my greatest teacher and I owe her so much. It's frustrating because I read what I wrote and it sounds saccarine sweet, perhaps even saintly - and I am far from that...it's just that, I've always believed - even in the midst of the worst of my addictions, that my purpose on earth, the goal of my life - was to learn love. To that end, I owe everything to my father, my daughter and most of all, my wife.

I guess my point is, and the reason that I wrote those last two paragraphs is to say this: my recovery is not in jeopardy... my recovery is growing like never before. This extended moment is a grow or go moment...my choice on which was made a long time ago. Like a marathon runner hopes the next corner will have people on the sidelines yelling encouragement and handing out cups of water, I'm hoping you all don't leave the sidelines as I run this race - but I'm going to finish the race regardless.

Obladi

Legna,

Thank you for sharing what you wrote. It didn't seem sticky sweet to me. It read just like you meant it -you completely love your wife. This is a love that many people never get to experience.

You are running a good race. Push on.

legna

I believe it was Friday that she picked up again. I had a part in that and I want to share it. I don’t expect everyone to agree with my actions but I’m not posting about it so that you all can co-sign my actions for me, just to share.

We took her car and dropped it off at a nearby mall on Thursday and Friday early morning in case her parole officer came by the house he would not know she was home. Remember, I’m trying to buy some time to get her into treatment; our meeting is for Tuesday the twelfth. I had to go to work on Saturday evening and she pointed out that the only reason she isn’t using is because I am babysitting – the moment I went to work on Saturday she would be out the door. I wish it wasn’t so, but I really couldn’t afford to not go in to work. Then she begged me to take her to her car. She had no money but of course that wouldn’t stop her. I know what she has done in order to get drugs in the past; I know what I’d be willing to do in my active addiction. I decided that it wasn’t so much a matter of what was right but more a matter of what I could live with.

Me: Why, hon? What do you want your car for?

Her: I just want my car.

Me: Look, I’m going to take you to your car. I know that you can walk out that door and walk to your car and there’s nothing I can do to stop you and so I’m going to take you to your car. But here’s the deal: I helped you get out of prison. We worked on the parole plan together. We dazzled the parole board together. If you die, I have to live with the fact that I helped you get into a position in which you could kill yourself. But I don’t want to get broadsided again; I need to know what’s going on.

So here it is. I’ll take you to your car and give you x dollars. I’ll give you x dollars on Saturday and again on Sunday and Monday. You go with me to the bank right now and sign over control of everything to me. You give me your credit and debit cards. Tuesday, we make the meeting and you go into treatment.

She agreed and has been out there scoring and then coming home to do it. These may be the last days I ever get to spend with her because there is a very good chance that treatment won’t take and/or she spends the rest of her life in prison. And so, I’m trying to keep her as comfortable as possible until the twelfth and enjoy her company.

Fact is, before I knew she was using, I enjoyed every moment we spent together… I only don’t enjoy it now if I refuse to allow myself to – if I let this one piece of new information, damning though it is, to interfere. Too, I don’t know where the line is between enabling and control but I do know that our money is her money too. I have no right to keep it from her unless she agrees. It is her car – I have no right to keep that from her unless she agrees. Anyway, it’s a tough spot and I’ve had to make some tough decisions – I don’t know if there is a right or wrong here but, as I said, I’m doing what I can live with.

We are leaving in about 15 hours to head out of town toward the meeting we have on Tuesday. I’m going to try and get it bumped to Monday – one look at her and her counselor will do whatever she can to make the addiction team step up and act on Monday – if not, we are out of the reach of anyone looking for her until Tuesday morning when they can see her.

While I’ll be checking in today whenever I can – the last thing I’ll be doing before I leave tomorrow morning is to check this thread, to read what’s new and to see who’s coming with me in spirit. You folks have been a source of great strength – the brightest spot imaginable and I know that I’ve said it before but I can’t overstate how grateful I am for you all.

soberlicious

Scoot over...I'm riding along in spirit.

trachemys

<----waving from the back seat