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Old 04-18-2009, 09:59 PM
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lunarlovelunar
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Lightbulb Vivid Recovery

The purpose of the is thread is to be able to chronicle my recovery and be able to share it. I feel like it can be hard to know where to post sometimes and I end up reposting the same stuff in a lot of forums.

Please feel free to respond and comment.

A small warning there may be some of this and there may be some of this but definitely some of this

Welcome to my journey!
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:07 PM
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Just want to say Hey. So, where are you at in your recovery? Are you just getting started?
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:18 PM
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So today....

Huzzy is gone on vacation. I woke up at about 11....went outside, watered the veggies and opened the greenhouse, fed the chickens and let the cats outside. After my sister called I drove over and picked her up and we went to the Saturday market and walked around and had lunch. It was so sunny and people we everywhere. There is always some sort of musical act on stage and we stopped and watched for a bit at the group singing about jello, we laughed, which was nice. I really enjoy a good laugh these days.

Came home and went out and took some pics....(SR photo thread) . Not too shabby if I say so myself. I am learning to use the settings more and more.

At some point this evening I was thinking about this summer coming, about camping, and going to the coast and all that. All without drinking? How can this be? I mean what will I do next to the campfire besides drink? These thoughts raced through my head and I realized that these were all too familiar. Exactly like the ones I had right before I walked into the detox center. I will do what I would normally do while camping and coasting...except I wont be drunk!

Drinking while camping....

Have to get up in the middle of the night at least once to make a very cold @ss walk to the bathroom
Wake up late/hung over the next day so huzzy would take the other car and start having fun without me.
Would have to make sure we were back at the campground in sufficient time for me to get hammered before bed.
Spent ALOT of time at camp instead of exploring because it takes a while to drink 6-9 beers.

Oh the memories!
If I remember these maybe the cravings wont be so bad after all.

Im off, its movie and pizza time.....
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:22 PM
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Hi 1963! Nice to meet you.

I am about 96 days in. YEAH! I havent been working any sort of program but I am now looking into SMART recovery.

For the most part things have been great except some anxiety attacks, which are nothing to sniff at for sure, but I count myself lucky to only be dealing with that, so many have it harder.

Thanks for stoppin in!
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Old 04-19-2009, 02:46 AM
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Hey Vivid, wow, it sounds like you have a lot of cool stuff where you live. I've been through Eugene. I love, love, love the OR coast and know it well. I just love walking on the beach there. As to your concerns, I don't know, but maybe it will be easier than you think. Congrats on 96 days in!
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:24 AM
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aghhhh....its been a good day.
I really appreciate spending time with my sister. Its so much better sober! She was living near me for about a year while I was still drinking and we started drinking together. Me much more so than her. It wasn't pretty, we fought and argued alot. It seems that we are much more real with each other now. Being that my mom passed about 3 years ago I think I really took on the mother role too there for a while. I cant tell you how much better our relationship is now that a I have stopped drinking and b stopped playing mommy to a 26 year old. lol I love my sister, I still really dont think she knows what she means to me. Of course I have tried to explain a few times but some things I guess you cant really express fully.

After today's outing I can say without a doubt that I NEED to be in town at least twice a week. Ive noticed a vast improvement in my anxiety and mood since I started going into town again after a reclusive period. YEAH! Of course I knew this already but nothing like relearning something that you've known for 5 years!

Love that little guy.....
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:31 AM
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Hey Viv - Really am enjoying your journal. Keep it up. It might just inspire me to start one of my own!
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:33 AM
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Thanks mtn! Hope your having a fab night! I think Journals are great! Plus here you get feedback. Give me a shout if ya start one here Id love to read it. :ghug
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:44 AM
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Vivid - Your pictures of Silver Falls just touched my soul. My grandparents lived in Woodburn, and they were the two people that loved me unconditionally all my life. They are both gone now. But every year I would visit and we would go to Mt Angel and to Silver Falls.

Thanks for some very wonderful memories by posting those pictures.
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:59 AM
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Mtn~ You are so very welcome, thank YOU for sharing your thoughts about your g-parents. :ghug3
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Old 04-19-2009, 04:05 AM
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Photo thread? I hadn't seen that. I'm going to have to get past my fear of venturing out of SC.
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Old 04-19-2009, 10:21 AM
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Oh Vivid ! I have some leftover rice. That rice experience that you wrote about has been tickling my brain since you wrote about it. SOOOO, well yes I put leftover rice in two identical jars and labeled them. One is Thank you and the other is Idiot. Yes I realise that it's probably me the idiot, but it just seems like a fun project. I guess I should have done it with my grandkids, but I have the rice now. I'm a little worried about my rice because it's a mix of 3 sorts, none of which are really white, so I might not be able to visualise as well as I would with white rice. But there's no way I'm going to waste anymore. I'm also worried, since I'm so stupidly sensitive about things, that I might get to feeling sorry for my idiot rice and that my project wont work if it begins to notice that my mean feelings have changed to pity.
For all of those who take me for a fruitcake, you're probably right. Gee, I don't believe in god but I might just believe in the consiousness of water...Wow, is there hope for me?
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:09 PM
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WOW Poppy, thats great! My huzzy and I have thought about doing it but haven't got around to it yet. You aren't crazy at all! As a matter of fact I feel the same way about the idiot rice but I would stick to the experiment anyway, feeling a little bad for it though. lol I too dont believe in god but yes believe in the consciousness of water. So we can be fruity cake together I guess! :ghug psssst will you post pix of your rice when you are done? or maybe keep us updated?
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:35 PM
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Phal~
Thanks so much! You are sweet. Youre a spifftastic supporter!
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:51 PM
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Smile

Originally Posted by vividserenity View Post
The purpose of the is thread is to be able to chronicle my recovery and be able to share it.
This is awesome...I for one have no clue as how to chronicle my recovery let alone my thoughts ...LOL. So seeing an example...may just be the very thing I can learn how to do too.
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Old 04-20-2009, 12:41 AM
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I'll keep you posted on the rice, I don't think I could handle posting photos, I did look at the photo thread and lots of people seemed to have trouble doing it and if they have trouble I know I can't do it !
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Old 04-20-2009, 03:42 AM
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So lately it has been...was it the chicken or the egg with my anxiety vs my lack o motivation.

I am reading a book right now called "Loving him without losing you"..its really good, I mean I feel like this author lady is all up in my head! Anywho I was sitting here thinking for a moment...about why is it that all of a sudden I stopped taking care of me again. All the good habits I was trying to nurture I just quit doing. The thought that came to me was.....and I heard this from the little dark corner way over yonder..."someone will come and make you feel better..dont worry". Being that I am reading a book about women who lose themselves in others I immediately thought hmmmm :wtf2 That really doesnt sound healthy!
At first I was gonna get all "Off your tushy! Youre being lazy! :chatter " But ya know what....I have stopped drinking and have been sober for over 90 days. It takes alot of energy and gettin used to...to take care of ourselves again. So I wont beat myself up to badly about slippin for a bit.... just a small relapse in the care department. I will start slowly and rebuild.
Man at some point I may have to take a vacation from all this goal making......It can all seem a bit overwhelming...even to just care for myself.
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Old 04-20-2009, 04:06 AM
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Originally Posted by vividserenity View Post
So lately it has been...was it the chicken or the egg with my anxiety vs my lack o motivation.

I am reading a book right now called "Loving him without losing you"..its really good, I mean I feel like this author lady is all up in my head! Anywho I was sitting here thinking for a moment...about why is it that all of a sudden I stopped taking care of me again. All the good habits I was trying to nurture I just quit doing. The thought that came to me was.....and I heard this from the little dark corner way over yonder..."someone will come and make you feel better..dont worry". Being that I am reading a book about women who lose themselves in others I immediately thought hmmmm :wtf2 That really doesnt sound healthy!
At first I was gonna get all "Off your tushy! Youre being lazy! :chatter " But ya know what....I have stopped drinking and have been sober for over 90 days. It takes alot of energy and gettin used to...to take care of ourselves again. So I wont beat myself up to badly about slippin for a bit.... just a small relapse in the care department. I will start slowly and rebuild.
Man at some point I may have to take a vacation from all this goal making......It can all seem a bit overwhelming...even to just care for myself.
Hey Vivid, I've been looking at the fly lady site for over a week now, just a couple minutes a day clicking on one thing or the other, but not really spending much time at it, I always feel guilty when I'm on internet, because I feel like I should be doing something else, something more constructive or at any rate getting outdoors while it's still nice. I finally decided to join today, ok so already they've sent me 3 e-mails, but that's fine, I read them quickly and deleted. But they have this good idea you might like and be able to adapt to your goals. It's what they call "baby steps". There's a month's worth of about 2 minutes a day doing something everyday. Some of the things are really really easy! Have you checked out the site yet? FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home It doesn't seem overwhelming (except for the quantity of e-mail) and it's given me a bit of motivation.

BTW, those photos of your flowers in the photo thread are gorgeous !
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Old 04-20-2009, 06:31 AM
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Thanks for the drunken camping rehash. I used to host a 20-35 person drunk-a-thon on the beach every year we call camping. I canceled all camping this year, as I couldn't imagine it without booze, but your memoir made me laugh at myself.
Imagine: No puke in my tent. No talking to rangers 4 times a day about my out of control guests. No spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol. No hangovers! No stressing that someone else will finish the rum. No feeling guilty about what the kids heard or saw the next day. No drunken screaming matches. HeIl, I might even RELAX and enjoy myself more. . .
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:34 AM
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Poppy~ Thanks I will check out the site! Maybe I can exercise for 2 minutes a day! :rotfxko
Although I have my doubts as to what that will do for my waistline! hehe Try to remember that there is great information and support on the internet. I think it can be used to really enhance our lives if we use the tools that we learn on it. :ghug3

Uglyeyes~ Thank YOU too for giving me even more reminders about what fun it wasnt. Its always nice to be reminded so that I dont start selectively remembering things. I am definitely still going camping this year, I just will be sober enough to enjoy it. YEAH! I hope that you rediscover camping this summer too, after all if recovery is about anything its about how to rediscover our lost selves and the things we love doing!
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