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Distrust, mistrust, complete lack of trust

Old 08-06-2009, 10:06 PM
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Distrust, mistrust, complete lack of trust

I'm really disappointed. It looks like my friend who was going to visit me this weekend won't be able to make it. His boss threw a fit and told everyone they couldn't have their time off. When my friend called me to let me know he likely won't be able to come (unless his boss calms down and can be persuaded) I had to bite my tongue. It felt like every other disappointment I've had lately caused by someone lying to me. However, I think that feeling is a symptom of another problem: I just don't trust people anymore.


I have no reason to think he's lying, but it seems like the rest of the people I've been around lately have lied to me a lot (they're all druggies, after all) so there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming, "He's lying. He never had any intention of coming to visit! And he probably doesn't even like you." It's quite sad, I used to trust people-- maybe to a fault-- but I can't just enjoy a friendship now without always wondering what's really going on, even when I have no reason to think anything is out of order.

I guess part of it is that I'm suffering from a lack of confidence in myself, i.e. that little voice telling me "He doesn't even like you." He calls me. He emails me. He texts me. He tells me he can't wait to see me. But... right. I'm sure he hates me secretly. That's ridiculous, I'm laughing about it as I type. Druggies do that because they want your money to buy drugs. This friend would get nothing out of that unless he's so completely warped that he just gets kicks out of telling people he thinks they're cool when he really doesn't. That's just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But when I feel down about myself I start thinking about drugs so I guess that's my druggie brain trying to get me to use drugs. Before I did drugs I was shy but I never lacked confidence to the extent that I thought people who hung around with me didn't really like me.

Does it ever end? Do I get to trust people again, just enough to have some peace of mind? It's driving me crazy.
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:55 PM
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Are you sober right now?

I was so used to that feeling of being let down. I used to wait for it. Like when is the ball going to drop. Inevitably it always would— awesome, another person in my life who sucks. Something about sobriety and recovery has changed that. I am not sure if I was picking the wrong people and expecting the wrong things or wallowing in self-pity. I don't know what it is that has changed because it is not actually that people are super showing up for me. However, I don't get that feeling anymore and people don't do that to me anymore but it might be an issue of perception...
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by gneiss View Post
I'm really disappointed. It looks like my friend who was going to visit me this weekend won't be able to make it. His boss threw a fit and told everyone they couldn't have their time off. When my friend called me to let me know he likely won't be able to come (unless his boss calms down and can be persuaded) I had to bite my tongue. It felt like every other disappointment I've had lately caused by someone lying to me. However, I think that feeling is a symptom of another problem: I just don't trust people anymore.


I have no reason to think he's lying, but it seems like the rest of the people I've been around lately have lied to me a lot (they're all druggies, after all) so there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming, "He's lying. He never had any intention of coming to visit! And he probably doesn't even like you." It's quite sad, I used to trust people-- maybe to a fault-- but I can't just enjoy a friendship now without always wondering what's really going on, even when I have no reason to think anything is out of order.

I guess part of it is that I'm suffering from a lack of confidence in myself, i.e. that little voice telling me "He doesn't even like you." He calls me. He emails me. He texts me. He tells me he can't wait to see me. But... right. I'm sure he hates me secretly. That's ridiculous, I'm laughing about it as I type. Druggies do that because they want your money to buy drugs. This friend would get nothing out of that unless he's so completely warped that he just gets kicks out of telling people he thinks they're cool when he really doesn't. That's just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But when I feel down about myself I start thinking about drugs so I guess that's my druggie brain trying to get me to use drugs. Before I did drugs I was shy but I never lacked confidence to the extent that I thought people who hung around with me didn't really like me.

Does it ever end? Do I get to trust people again, just enough to have some peace of mind? It's driving me crazy.
I don't do drugs and I think like that. I used to drink, but whether I am drinking or not I still tend to think that way. I can relate to what you and sfgirl both said. Gneiss, I bolded that part in your post because that same thought has ran through my mind more than I can tell you, even though it doesn't make sense. The truth is though, some people do get a kick out of doing that. (Not saying that's the case in your situation, but it happens). My point is that not having anything cloud your mind (alcohol, drugs) will help you be able to pinpoint who those people are.

My train of thought on relationships/friendships has alot to do with my past relationships with certain people. Dealing with unstable, unreliable people can make anyone crazy, especially if you allow it to go on for long periods of time. I know that's a major factor why I doubt most people now. My point is alcohol didn't make me think that way, my experiences with certain people did.

Being sober though, I think is allowing me to choose more consistent, stable people to have in my life. My mind is clearer and if I don't like something someone is doing, atleast I am not hiding from it now behind alcohol.
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:52 PM
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Wull... I am sober. I used drugs 2 months ago, drank one month ago. Haven't touched it since. The good news is my mindset is a bit better than it was when I posted this originally. Maybe it's still the booze/drugs talking. I dunno.

And yeah, I agree people can be that warped. But it's not the case with him. His boss threw a hissy fit and canceled everyone's time off. I saw his housemates griping about it on Facebook.

But sfgirl said something that sounds a lot like me: I keep waiting for something bad to happen. I think I just anticipate it now. Maybe a month ago I figured something would happen and he wouldn't come. And it's not just this one time this friend didn't get to visit me. That's part of life. I think I just have a negative outlook lately.

Thanks for replying. I know it was a kind of vent-ish post but I appreciate the replies!
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by gneiss View Post
Wull... I am sober. I used drugs 2 months ago, drank one month ago. Haven't touched it since. The good news is my mindset is a bit better than it was when I posted this originally. Maybe it's still the booze/drugs talking. I dunno.

And yeah, I agree people can be that warped. But it's not the case with him. His boss threw a hissy fit and canceled everyone's time off. I saw his housemates griping about it on Facebook.

But sfgirl said something that sounds a lot like me: I keep waiting for something bad to happen. I think I just anticipate it now. Maybe a month ago I figured something would happen and he wouldn't come. And it's not just this one time this friend didn't get to visit me. That's part of life. I think I just have a negative outlook lately.

Thanks for replying. I know it was a kind of vent-ish post but I appreciate the replies!
I keep waiting for something bad to happen also. I wish I didn't think that way , but I do.

With me, I know that comes from trusting people and being disappointed. I would like to be able to think more positive and not always be waiting for the ball to drop. One day I hope to not feel that way, I just don't know how that is going to happen. It's really not healthy to have such a negative outlook, but just wanted you to know, you're not alone
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Old 08-09-2009, 11:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 View Post
I keep waiting for something bad to happen also. I wish I didn't think that way , but I do.

With me, I know that comes from trusting people and being disappointed. I would like to be able to think more positive and not always be waiting for the ball to drop. One day I hope to not feel that way, I just don't know how that is going to happen. It's really not healthy to have such a negative outlook, but just wanted you to know, you're not alone
Thanks, Sweets!

I thought asking whether I am sober was strange. My mind's been working this way since I really started trying to quit in January. All negative, all the time: not healthy. When I was using I wasn't negative like this, I didn't care enough about anything outside of getting wasted to be negative.

The hardest part for me is that I was always optimistic before I started doing drugs. I always thought well of people (or as well as I could, given whatever circumstances), always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Now I just assume everyone's a jerk out to use me. I was accustomed to being happy, content with the people and situations in my life and now I can't seem to adjust to the fact that life's not as cheerful and wonderful as I once thought.
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Old 08-09-2009, 11:10 PM
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The other thing I just thought was what I also would do is I would take one incident and take that as indicative as a pattern. So if what happened to you happened to me, I would say to myself oh of course that happened to me, it will always happen to me, people always disappoint me, I attract people who don't treat me well, I'm worthless, etc. Basically instead of taking the incident for what it was in an isolated fashion i.e. his boss wouldn't give him vacation time that sucks that I can't see my friend this weekend I would make it this whole long involved story connected to the past and the future.

In recovery, those are things I had to work on or ended up working on—noticing that those thought patterns (where I would make everything this whole long involved into the future and past story) gave me major anxiety. Buddhist books and concepts coupled with other recovery reading have been helpful for the spiritual aspects, things like living in the present moment. I don't even think it is a question of using or not using but of working through recovery or not working through recovery. The other thing is I basically hermited for the first six months and had to center myself before I could get to a point to even begin to deal with other people. I don't know it is all so hard...good luck!

One day at a time as a spiritual concept is helpful to me (taking everything including incidents like this one day at a time)....Kevin Griffin's book help me with that.
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