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Old 05-25-2009, 01:19 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Things here have been spiffy....The schmoals are no longer....I started reading this book about being a success in life. It says..and I am beginning to agree that if you still have goals that you had a year ago and havent started moving towards them yet then you need to switch goals. So..I currently dont have any goals besides getting done the things I want to do. So far its working out. i am reading my Stoic Serenity book (which is amazing btw), I am keeping up with the house, I am moving forward with my photography class, and I have actually had a few brainstorming sessions about what I would like to do for a career. Of course I am still working with the counselor to off all those self defeating behaviors and thoughts.....which is great because I feel like all the other things I am doing are tying right into that. I have had a few cravings here and there but...I am pretty good at seeing the oh so disgusting end of it before the craving gets too bad.

Im off to lunch....will write more later


:ghug
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Old 05-27-2009, 08:01 PM
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So...

had an emotional day....an intense session and then not eating and then bad haircut = crying for 2 hours and having a screaming session in the car. I came home, took a short nap, showered, ate a little and now I feel somewhat better but still shaken. SO not fun! Tomorrow though I am heading off to the coast with huzzy to celebrate our 2nd anniversary! I cant wait to soak in the hot tub, read a little Stoic Serenity and of course go to the beach and watch some HGTV. See we dont have TV at home and I LOVE that channel!
Off to clean I guess.....
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Old 06-07-2009, 10:56 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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hmm guess I havent updating much lately eh?

My apologies to myself and all my fans ROFL!! :rotfxko

In all seriousness things are going well. The trip to Seaside was good and productive my our relationship you could say. I have been pretty motivated since I got back to get things done. I always seem to have alot on my list and I get it all done and then I dont feel like I did anything. I think maybe I will start keeping the lists! Well after having the bathroom overhauled huzzy and I seem to be in a redecorating the house mode. Which would be so much fun if there was an endless supply of money but since there isnt we will have to maybe deisgn on a dime.....

Have a b-day party to go to today. Little one year old of a friend of ours. i am excited to see her I havent seen her in a while but I am wondering if her husband is going to be drinking. I still havent been around it much. I guess there is a first time for everything.

Im feeling all right today...not good...not bad...just here....and that is fine with me! I am ready for the not here not there. It brings its own comfort.
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Old 06-08-2009, 10:35 PM
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:50 PM
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Im feeling oh so stuck and not motivated.....I realized this evening with the help of an ear that I am scared....SO scared that I think that its paralyzing me.

I am scared ....

...that I wont ever FIND a career that I make decent money at that I like to do and that I can feel good about

...that I wont be able to make a decision about having kids till its too late

...that I wont ever do anything that matters really because I was too scared

...that I settled instead of taking another path that may have been harder but more rewarding

...that my life is meaningless, that I really dont make much of a difference by being here

...that Im just a spoiled brat who needs to get off all these feelings and get to work

...that I wont ever feel normal, or have a normal happy life full of love, inspiration and peace ( I do not expect perfection)

Now I am crying...been feeling stuck and pent up all day...(shakes head)

I am so tired of feeling this way.
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:05 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:16 AM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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Vivid,

I can absolutely relate. Even after the drink problem was solved, fear was my biggest issue. I steadily progressed to less and less fear in my life, and, more importantly, having confidence to walk through the fearful times. But, even now it creeps in once in a while, so I've got a pretty regimented way of dealing with it so that it doesn't stick around very long.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:54 AM
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Feeling a little better this morning. Sometimes it all seems to hit like a freight train.
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:56 PM
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Vivid, :ghug
At least you are thinking about this, that is GOOD. Some people just go through life and don't even ask these kind of questions, then they die. I've asked myself those questions so many times and sometimes when I least expect it an answer shows up, not necessarily anything major but I just find reasons and you will. From our chats I've seen a young woman with a lot of passion and that will lead you in the right direction when the time is right just follow your heart.
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Old 06-18-2009, 09:39 PM
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Aggghhhhhh..... I am so glad to be sitting down. I finished painting the room today...cleaned upstairs bedroom..stripped the bed..did the dishes..doing laundry....I think someone may have slipped me something in my kashi whole grain this morning lol

I am in a better place for sure than last time I checked in. Fears are still there just not as active I suppose. When I am working to make my life more stable I guess they dont bother me as much. Its when I am doing nothing about them that I get overwhelmed by them.

I am still not feeling totally stable but will fell even better when the room is back to normal....and the kitchen...and the bathroom...lol never ever start remodeling!! lol

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Old 06-22-2009, 12:37 PM
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hmmmkay....

Seriously....I don't get it. Huzzy wants S. I tell huzzy this is how you treat me to obtain S. He says oh its not fair, why should I have to work at it. I explain look I dont make the rules I am just living my life and this is how it works. I mean seriously god forbid I ask him to put some freakin effort into the way he treats me...god forbid I want him to treat me as if he thinks I am special as if I am the woman out of all women that he chose to marry. I mean what the hE11 could I be thinking.... ( sorry bout the god stuff...maybe I should have said mother nature forbid!! lol)

This is a major hurdle for us...has been an issue I don't know how many times ....and of course it didn't stop once I got sober. I will not relent on this. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I went a long time without it and I simply wont anymore. Its not a game...its just how the world works, I didn't make it this way, I even think its a little convoluted but...I cant change the facts. Men and women ARE different. It really took my feminist mind along time to come to accept this but it simply is the truth.
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Old 06-24-2009, 10:25 AM
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Take care of YOU.
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Old 07-15-2009, 03:14 PM
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RIP Uncle Harry

Uncle Harry lived with my dad and I for about 3 years when I was a teenager. Although he wasnt always the best influence he loved and watched over me as if I was his. When I was 15-16 and didn't have my license yet my dad would sometimes let me drive to the store. Uncle Harry would say he needed cigs so that I could ask dad if I could drive him. (Unlce Harry never drove) Of course some times he would let me "sneak" cigs from him. I always felt safe and secure with my dad and uncle in the house. After he moved out I saw him maybe once a year for a few years but that dwindled to maybe once every 3-5 years as I got older. The last time I saw him he was in town and had a heart problem so I went to see him in the hospital. I offered to give him a ride home, which is about 4 hours from here. I cant remember why but I backed out. I wish I hadnt. That was the last time I saw him. Dad just called to say that he has been in a coma for 5 days and they are taking him off the machines. Its hard to believe. I love my Uncle Harry snd I will miss him like I have missed him for a while but this time there wont be any reunion, I hope that he rests in peace.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:10 PM
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So...

tonight I went to a bachelorette party. It was pretty uncomfortable for me to be around such a large group of women that I dont know. I stayed for a while though and managed my way through it. Then when I got home, emotional over load.

Im not sure where this stuff is coming from but I wonder if anyone has had anything similar happen. I just felt like all these woman have their shite together. They know where they are going, how to get there and the big one is that they know who they are. I felt like I was 5 years old hanging out with a bunch of grownups. I also realized that I was feeling not special. I was plain, boring, old and partially broken and not to mention fat. I mean yeah sure we are all on our own journey and maybe I shouldn't be comparing. But I feel like a wreck...and it feels like this is gonna get deeper tonight...and I am scared, and tired, and sad.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:11 PM
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any experience or kind words would be appreciated. Thanks
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Old 07-25-2009, 12:33 AM
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I have definitely felt this way. I recall being 4 years out of high school and reconnecting with a friend who had just graduated college and gotten a salaried position doing something pretty damn respectable. I felt like a big failure.

Then I got to thinking about it. I wouldn't even want to do what he's doing, and I actually liked my job at the time, even if it paid hourly, was entry-level, and didn't sound sophisticated when I talked about it. Actually, I rather liked that it wasn't sophisticated. I found all sorts of things that I loved about being blue-collar.

I thought about what I'd missed out on by not going to college. The main thing that came to mind was knowledge. That's when I decided that I could learn about anything I wanted to; I don't need to be enrolled in a class to assimilate information.

But, I'm the sort who enjoys being as unique as possible, and rejecting the accepted definitions of success. I relish the freedom I feel in not having some huge, long-term plan for my life.

Originally Posted by vividserenity
the big one is that they know who they are.
I'd say this is at the heart of your issue. I've become very aware of who I am, and I'm quite proud to be me. Perhaps that's the reason I lack a covetous inclination.

I don't know you, so I can't offer kind words, as such, but it pains me to hear you talk this way about yourself. I hope you discover what it is about you that gives your existence value; I believe you will find it if you truly want to.

My hope for everyone is that they reject the desire to be coveted.
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Old 07-25-2009, 12:51 AM
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I tend to get emotional overload whenever I am with a group of people, sometimes with just 1 other person which is partially why I spend so much time alone. Just because someone seems like they "have it all together" doesn't mean that they do, they may just be better actors. I used to often wish i had what others seem to have and as a result I spent 30 years very unhappy now I accept me for who I am. Now when I start seeing people that say seem to have a happy marriage I no longer envy them I just remind myself that all I am seeing is whats on the surface they could have and likely do have tons of issues underneath. Trust in yourself, you are on a journey to discover the beauty within yourself don't be distracted. ******{HUG}}}}
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Old 07-25-2009, 01:54 PM
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VS :ghug3

I feel the same way when I look at families where the couple seems to genuinely love each other. I was pretty young when I got married, and through the years, she got fat, I got drunk, a lot of the drug addictions that we both had when we met, I had given up. It just seems like when two young people get married and they really care about themselves, and they really care about each other, the whole relationship gets better and better. That wasnít the way it worked with my ex and I, and we are both to blame.

I have been sober and drunk, and like a lot of people on this board it seems, Iíve gone years without drink followed by years of relapse. Each time I get sober the same things happen. Instead of coming home and drinking my troubles away, I need to live life on lifeís terms. I need to come up with real solutions for real problems.

There are multiple personality tests which can be used for the purpose of introspection.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Free Jung Personality Test

Personality Test - Keirsey Temperament Website

This is HUGE. Think about it. Some folks like to fish. I hate to fish. I like my fish delivered to the grocery store wrapped in cellophane, thank you very much. Some people like to camp. I wouldnít mind camping if I were mountaineering in the Himalayas, but if I am living out of a tent across the street from a motel, I keep asking myself why I am not sleeping in the motel.

These are random examples, but as you eloquently put it, I know who I am. I am a judgmental extrovert who prefers to think instead of feel, but I have a strong sense of intuition. I push to get things done and I am hopelessly pragmatic.

I have chosen income pursuits which fit my profile. I choose to meet people who blend with my personality. I donít know if other people would look at me and see me as pathetic. But I donít care. I know what I like.

I truly appreciate what Jamdls mentioned about being actors. I have mentioned this before. I believe that I am skillfully intuitive, and when I hear people say that they love this or that, I wonder if they arenít just lying to themselves. Small tangent here, butÖwhen a person works behind a cubicle and they tell everyone that they love their job; letís say this person wins the $10,000,000 lottery. Would they go back? In matters of love, when someone says that they love their spouse, but suddenly some hot, young Argentinean woman comes along, and they cast their marriage aside, what happened? In matters of addiction, I recently read a post where someone talked about watching others drinking, and there was a kind of false, faked happiness being portrayed by the people in the group; I think I have felt that way watching others drink as well. Hereís my point: people fuel their own egos by trying to convince others that they are well adjusted and happy. In the end, we are all alone, and I canít help but wonder if the best thing we could ever do for ourselves is hard handed self analysis and discovery.

Letís say you look at one of these women, and you admire them, and many of them have a hobby of quilt making. So you take up quilt making, but you hate it. You havenít done yourself any favors, right?

I think that most people who read your post know the exact feeling that you are describing. I also think that people are inherently lonely and happiness is very elusive even for people who seem to have it all.

I like you, you plain, boring, old, partially broken, recovery site junkie.
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Old 07-26-2009, 11:02 AM
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@vividserenity
Two things:
You live in Eugene, OR. That fact alone makes you more interesting than approximately 70% of the country...

You don't look old at all in your picture, unless that was taken thirty or more years ago. But, I happen to think women grow exponentially more attractive and interesting and intimidating as they advance in age, and my perception of a "peak" keeps advancing with my age, lol.

I don't think I've done this on SR yet, but...

How are you doing?
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Old 07-26-2009, 12:54 PM
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Spittake~

Thanks...and no that pic was taken about 2 years ago lol

I dont technically live IN Eugene. I live approximatly 20 miles south in the middle of nowhere. I love Eugene and would love to live closer to town but...there is a nursery business on the property so we cant very well pack up and go anytime

I think you are right about peaking! lol I just wish I was somewhere near it. Maybe I am practicing eh? I am feeling a bit better. Whats funny is the very night I wrote the above I read this in "Codependency No More" a book that I am reading. The first paragraph really struck me.

Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books

Anywho thanks for askin! How are YOU doing these days?
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