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Old 04-27-2009, 08:56 PM
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Nope she didnt...thats just my guess. Obviously I have anxiety attacks thats a no brainer but as far as an official diagnosis, no.
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:11 PM
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Not fantastic today by any means...but I could be much worse I suppose.

I did clean up some...dishes, laundry the usual suspects... I read some in my book...doing the therapy homework...

Had strange pains today above my left hip...stabbing....painful....but intermittent...if I get them again tomorrow I will go to the doc. That would make day 3. I am seriously so tired of be tired and not feeling well. I can honestly say it is probably THE most depressing thing in my life right now. If I felt physically 100% I am sure my outlook would be so different. I would have the energy to actually do things, get out more...work out....BAHHHH! Freak it anyhow!

I still love the book I am reading...its like having mini epiphany's everyday.....

I think tomorrow will be better with huzzy and I...the first day he is sober there is always an adjustment period. YEAH for the next 6 days!
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Old 04-30-2009, 12:01 PM
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SO......

Things are much better now...especially compared to the last entry!

I am sleeping regular YEAH! Which is one of my goals, which means I am gonna move onto another one.

Yesterday wasnt fab, had some anxiety but overall I would give it a B-. I had a counseling session which I spent crying. My counselor really is great I have to admit. Every week one of the things that she always reminds me to do is to be proud for what I have done to change my life. It usually makes me feel better.
Yesterday we talked and I realized that I really would like to be further along than I am in my goals. I do get frustrated. I am not the most patient person in the world. I want things changed NOW not later. My counselor really hasnt had much if any experience with addiction I dont think. She asked me if what I am experiencing is normal. Honestly, from what I have read, I could feel this way for a year and it may be considered normal. I hope thats not true..... During the session I realized to that I need more support. So I am gonna see if I cant find a sponsor on here. May sound strange but.... I am gonna give it a try. Man o man I dont really like being vulnerable.
Huzzy and I are really good right now. Have had tiffs but they are short lived and we are closer than we have been in years. I am so grateful for that.
Hmm Things I am grateful for today.....

My huzzy and our relationship Book Im reading
My family Dad, Sis, Mother in Law Time alone
The four kitties Morning naps
My health Peeps here at SR
Yummy cookies
Restful Sleep


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Old 05-02-2009, 01:56 PM
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K

So the sponsor thing didnt really work out...maybe thats not what I was really looking for?...I dont know.

BUT I do know that I need to make a schedule so...here it goes...

Things that I want to do every week.....

Meditate
Yoga
Exercise
Photo Homework - practice
Expressive/Creative ventures - Photography, Writing, Playing guitar, Drawing, Singing
Alone time - preferable a full day
Do something new
Read something about recovery

There are others goals that I want to pursue but these things I believe will be the foundation.

Daily- Meditate, Yoga, Read something about recovery
3x a week- Exercise, Expressive/C , Photo Homework
Once a week - Time alone, Do something new


Sunday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Expressive

Monday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Exercise, Time Alone

Tuesday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Expressive, PH

Wednesday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Exercise

Thursday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Expressive, PH

Friday Meditate, Yoga, Read, Do something new

Saturday Meditate, Yoga, Read, PH


Thats the schedule for now. I am going to commit to myself that I will follow this schedule NO MATTER WHAT for at least two weeks. I am starting tomorrow which will be the 3rd of May. Wish me luck!
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Old 05-03-2009, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Phaleron View Post
That's a great list, VS! I KNOW you'll stick with it-CAT is watching like a hawk!
Me too, and I've got my ruler handy ! (Yes I used to be a wicked ole teacher, I guess there's something left of it)
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Old 05-03-2009, 06:53 PM
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Yeah!

Doing all the things I had planned on doing actually sparked me to get to some things I needed to do but had been putting off.
Things went well today with plan.
Instead of Yoga I just did alot of stretching because the routine I had originally wanted to do isnt seeming so great now. I will have to find another.
I did some reading and half a homework assignment for SMART. It was interesting to realize those things that I value that I dont really give energy to.
I did write a poem of sorts, it doesn't rhyme or anything....thinking about posting it...we'll see.
I did my breathing meditation today AND made a relaxation mix with my meditation music and guided CDs. I am excited to use it. Sometimes right after a relaxing part of meditation they start talking again really loud and scare the whoo haa right out of ya! So I fixed that, put in some relaxing peaceful music.

Need some time alone soon. Huzzy and I are ok but I really feel like I need to reconnect with myself...hard to do that with others around sometimes.

Overall, a good day. Im excited about following through with my plans. YEAH!
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Old 05-05-2009, 10:09 PM
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So ....

To update...I have met my goals...both yesterday and today! Yeah!
I went for a walk yesterday and today and I also played guitar for a bit...

I received a copy of the Lifering workbook which seem interesting so far.

Thats it for the update...more tomorrow!

:ghug
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Old 05-05-2009, 11:29 PM
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Great job on meeting your goals vividserenity.

I didn't make any goals today, but natural disasters can do that to you. FYI, I'm fine but still on evac warning. All packed and ready to go (even have my laptop put away in case we have to go to a hotel).
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Old 05-06-2009, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Alera View Post
Great job on meeting your goals vividserenity.

I didn't make any goals today, but natural disasters can do that to you. FYI, I'm fine but still on evac warning. All packed and ready to go (even have my laptop put away in case we have to go to a hotel).
We don't always get the world new here, what's going on in Southern CA? Are there still fires, Santa Ana winds? I know my father is getting too much rain in Oregon....whatever it is , I hope you're well and stay that way !
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Old 05-06-2009, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by californiapoppy View Post
We don't always get the world new here, what's going on in Southern CA? Are there still fires, Santa Ana winds? I know my father is getting too much rain in Oregon....whatever it is , I hope you're well and stay that way !

Thanks for the thoughts. Its another fire here.
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Old 05-06-2009, 04:09 PM
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HUGE :ghug3 Alera
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Old 05-06-2009, 08:42 PM
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So I had a counseling session today...

It went well I think...brought some stuff up and realized that I have been thinking some pretty interesting things these past few years. Basically, there is some part of me that will not accept that my huzzy loves me. Doesnt matter what he does or what he says, my "rational" lol mind will come up with other reasons why he does the things he does. Example of "rational" thought
He stays with me because he is afraid of being alone, and that any woman would do, that its nothing special about me that makes him stay and do the things that he does.
I have felt this way not just with my huzzy but with others also. I really for the most part dont think that I have a bad self esteem. Anyway we started this whole conversation five minutes before the session was up after I casually mentioned the above and my counselor sat there mouth open almost looking like she was gonna cry. I of course said it all matter of factly. Shrug guess thats partly how I deal with it.

So I didnt exercise or stretch today...but I will meditate and I did do a worksheet on recovery. It kind of bumms me out that I laxed today.

Since I am blah...to try and improve the mood.....
Today I am grateful for....

Losing 13 lbs since I stopped drinking
That I went to my session even though I didnt want to at first
My huzzy....bless him he had a bad day...hug hug
My new Hammock Stand that should be on its way here!
A company that I found to restore some VHS tapes of my moms! I am so excited!
A warm house to sleep in
Cookies to eat
Kitties to pet and love
SR and the peeps that inhabit this land lol
All the options that I have
Music

With that... I am off.... :ghug
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Old 05-09-2009, 10:28 PM
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yeah i get it viv...we have some similarities (hug)

keep up with the counciling..it gets painful before it gets better but when it gets better it is really really better (hug)
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Old 05-10-2009, 12:12 PM
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Thanks for the support guys! :ghug

I havent been following exactly what I had planned but back to it!!
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Old 05-13-2009, 07:03 PM
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Still kickin...

Went to the coast for a few.

:ghug
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Old 05-15-2009, 08:31 AM
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My internet SUCKS right now and it looks like it wont be better for a while r
So I wont be on as much which SUCKS, I miss you guys!!!
:ghug
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:47 AM
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Good Morning All!

Well....the goals have turned into schmoals!

Schmoals: Once a goal, a schmoal is a goal gone bad. These are goals that in the beginning feel so certain and bound for glory, then the little monsters creep in..procrastination...emotional overload...and well some good ole fashioned laziness! The goal is then very slowly swallowed and what you have left is a schmoal, a bitter memory of what once was that little sparkle in your eye.

Yuppers...thats how I am feeling. Honestly, at least today, it isnt really bothering me all that much. I guess I figure that if something is that important to me, goal or not it will get done. (right?????) lol

Things here are ok, not great, but ok. Huzzy is being a handful, has been for about a week. Cant really figure whats up with him but...I guess thats not my responsibility is it? I need to concentrate on me not him. (reminding myself AGAIN) So today because our kitchen is driving me insane. I will clean it like no mad woman ever has!
I would like to say that afterwards I could sit in my beautiful new solid wood hammock stand (with hammock) and relaxing the footsies but oh noooooo I cant because some worker somewhere forgot to put the hardware required to put the thing together, in the box! But I will keep perspective, maybe this person was having a bad day, maybe they had lost their puppy the night before and had no sleep, maybe they taped their left arm to their body so they couldn't reach the hardware to put it in. No matter, I will be patient and understanding as always. Yup thats me, patient Lady J, yup thats what they call me....
The weather here is fabulous! (Boy do I wish I could sit in that hammock) Blue sky lots of sun..the birds are out, oh hey I know, I could go sit in my hammock and read the day away, ohhhhh yeah thats right, I have no hardware to go with my beautiful hammock stand.....
Well the 12th was my 4 months! YEAH! I actually missed the date. I didnt remember till the 14th which I though was pretty cool. Seriously though if drinking in my dreams was counted as a relapse I would have lost it like a week ago. Been having plenty of those. I think its because of Huzzy issues. Those usually make me wanna drink. But, of course, I will not.
On an interesting note...I had a dream last night that a hummingbird kissed my nose! I know why I had the dream but it was pretty cool all the same.
Thats it for an update..

:ghug
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:34 AM
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So why did the hummingbird kiss your nose?
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by californiapoppy View Post
So why did the hummingbird kiss your nose?
and why did the chicken cross the road?
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:15 AM
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Well...that night before I went to sleep...Huzzy had stepped out on the porch for a sec and I guess a Hummingbird came right up to him and checked him out for a few seconds. LOL He came in and told me about it. I think thats why I had that dream.

...about the chicken...hmm...We have chickens but our chickens dont cross the road so I guess I dont know why?...... LMAO

Today is good so far...this weekend I managed through a serious craving, did all the laundry, deep cleaned the kitchen, had lunch with huzzy, got inspired by the new book I am reading, petted the kitties, had an allergy attack, finished my photography homework, took more pix of the yard......guess it was sort of busy...funny I usually don't feel like I got anything done......

This is something that has come up in counseling recently. Apparently I am really good at down playing any and all accomplishments. Im not sure why that is....we are gonna look into.

Well hope everyone has a spifferific day! :ghug
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