Fubarcdn

Good day all. I am still here too just haven't had a lot to say lately.

gneiss

Just another crappy day for me, hence not posting much. I don't want drugs I just want my life to go away and stop picking on me. I haven't felt so depressed ever in my entire life. I've been clean for 46 days and instead of getting better everything is out of control. I lost track of who I was thanks to drugs and I started to get it back for a while. Now everything is spiraling out of control again.

Freepath

I’m with you gneiss. This day can go back to he*l and I had the day off. It just seems like I have a long road to walk. I think so much of recovery has to do with growth and becoming balanced. I think it involves trying to make life less stressful and more organized. I really need to come up from the bottom to make this thing work.

You're having cravings. You're only suffering if someone is interrogating you for espionage secrets. Hang tough.

A few days ago, I went out with a large group. One guy in the group had too much to drink. He was funny, and he looked like he was having a good time, but in another way he looked weak. He seemed repulsive. Like the antithesis of what I want to become. Somehow it just affirmed my desire to stay sober.

californiapoppy

Just be careful, and post what's bothering you. It may get it out of your system...

lunarise

Gneiss / Freepath

Im sorry you both had yucky days. :ghug
I have had quite a few recently myself...but things are better now...just remember things are changing all the time. It will pass.
Be good to yourselves HUGE :ghug3

gneiss

I'll give you the short version. The main thing is this: I went to visit my ex this weekend. We had a good time hanging out, had a barbecue, etc. It was a lot like we were before all the drugs when we were FRIENDS. Yesterday I started getting voice mails and text messages from his once-and-future girlfriend (they break up every few weeks then get back together). Like, scary "Next time I see you I'm going to whoop your @$$" messages. And she won't stop. I did not reply but they just kept coming. Tomorrow I'm getting a new phone number and no way in hell I'm giving it to ex. So though we had managed to regain a little of our friendship I guess that's not really possible.

The usual end -of-semester insanity ensues and I'm stressed out about that. But that's actually sort of a good thing; at least I have something to focus on.

But even more than that, I don't know what the deal is. I feel depressed and it is more than fighting with a friend or being stressed out but I don't know what it is. I'll be ok for a day or two at a time but I can't pull myself out of it.

californiapoppy

With your ex and his girlfriend, my opinion is to steer clear of both of them, and definitely change your number if you can easily. It doesn't soound like any good will come of that at least for now.

Exams can be stressful, but I agree studying does keep you occupied and focused on things that shouldn't upset or depress you.

Do you do any sports? A good workout or a jog does a lot of good!

If you can't pull yourself out of a depressed state, go talk to your doctor that's what they are there for, he might suggest something or someone who could help you .

gneiss

Thanks. I've found a walking/ light hiking trail near my house. I try to get out there 3-4 times a week. Depending which route you take and how many of the loops you complete it is up to 7.5 miles long. I try to do at least 4 miles every time I go out.

And I just changed my number, so bad juju gone. The overcast weather fits my mood. I might have to go find a trendy coffee shop in which to write a paper.

jamdls

For at least the first 6 months of sobriety I was depressed I couldn't handle much of anything, I didn't know how to deal with any type of stress sober, but I got through it one day at a time. 5 months into my recovery my mom died and that 1 event made me realize that all the other stuff really wasn't that important. It was an uphill climb after that, not a stressful climb either it just seemed each day I was moving up, breathing freer, feeling calmer, smiling more.
I remember having a conversation with a friend once, we were drinking of course, I said I didn't understand why people were always seeking higher goals whether emotional, physical, financial; I said I was at the top of the mountain and I was content. Well let me tell you, that "mountain top" I thought I was on? wasn't even an ant hill, not quite the gutter but not much further up. In the past year I have I have seen what an awesome world this is and what a gift a sober life is, I live a very solitary life but I now see beauty and joy in so much. A neighbor friend had a double mastectomy last Thursday and she was out walking her dog last night and she was happy, happy to be alive and hopefully cancer free. The little struggles and even the big struggles are there maybe to help us appreciate the big picture.

Judy

allport

Great post, I too have seen death and suffering up close and for a while it did make me appreciate the small happinesses of everyday life.

That feeling just didn't last (I am a miserable swine lol) and I need to get back to just celebrating the fact of my existence and the fact that I am one of the lucky ones on this planet. (In other words stop whining and get on with it !)

KindBird

Haven't been here in a while and want to check in.

Wow, gneiss - the thing with your ex and the g-friend could provoke or contribute to a depression.. but sounds like some of it might be the cleaning up kind of depression too.. Do you use HALT (hungry-angry-lonely-tired) ever? For me if I take go through that "punch list".. (am I hungry?.. am I lonely?.... etc) about 90% of the time something needs tending too for me when I HALT.

Maybe it is time for new friends too - the links to that past stuff do not see to be serving you well in your clean state... just a thought.. sorry stuff is hard right now

Not much to report.. just reading through some threads in Alcoholism forum and finding some of that "AA".. "not AA"... dialog going on and I had to get over here and feel my secular roots!! :ghug

Freepath

The forum will not let me post links until I have 15 posts, but I have seen a few people having problems here, and I was looking at the smart recovery website and there are all of these helpful tips to deal with the nonsense that comes up in life…so I guess you can just
go to smartrecovery.org
put the cursor over the introduction thumbnail then click on "learn about smart"
then go to the left hand side of the screen and click on "tool chest and homework"
lots of helpful stuff in there.

gneiss

Still here, still sober, still feelin' pretty crappy.

I know, I know... stop whining, right? I'm really effing tired of being told to look at the bright side.

californiapoppy

I think you look adorable !
But I've noticed that if it's dark everything looks good to me.

Ananda

checking in.....stilll sober.....

hugs to all

:ghug

KindBird

Great pics here - love these critters... and all of you...

Checking in.. sober and doing pretty OK - could be better, could be worse..

Freepath - I have gotten a lot from Smart Recovery... their handbook is really helpful - can get it in the mail if you haven't already..

:ghug

lunarise

:ghug

Sharing the love!

californiapoppy

Checking in for today, and out for this afternoon (My time) I'll be back Wednesday, you all be good without me. Wishing you all a great week-end and beautiful Spring days!

gneiss

*Sitting in fetal position in the corner of the room* It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok... right?

Ananda

mmmmm....turning point in my first recovery.....

You don't always get what you want

You don't always get what you need

You get what you get


Thought on that this week, and actually I am having a pretty awsome day today...the weatehr is finally not too cold or too hot...and i'm ok in my relationships...well ... i think i am at the moment...

had some moments of joy and some moments of dischord....haven't done great at staying on track at work the last 24, but haven't like completly droped the ball either...

anyhow...thats where i'm at today...earlier this week i was in the fetal position in a corner most of the time....it does pass (hug)