BeABetterMan

I miss the high highs of my crazy life when I was in my active addiction. Whether it be with the drinking or the drugs or the women or the disdain for authority, there was much fun. Seemingly endless excitement and adrenaline. There had to be or I wouldn’t have kept doing it. But every ounce of pleasure was matched by a pound of pain. For all of the dinks and drugs, there were jails and hospitals. For the women there was pain and emptiness. I paid and I paid dearly for those fleeting moments of ecstasy. Especially at the end.

Today I am not willing to pay pounds of pain for ounces of pleasure. I still miss the high highs, the adventures, the hijinks, the thrill. But I know that they come at a price that I am not willing to pay.

This weekend I sold my Mercedes and bought the most neutered, grocery getting, girl-scouting selling SUV you could ever buy. And as I drove it around today I had a big smile on my face. I’ve had about 5 phases in my life. Two of them were completely off the rails. I have stories. My stories have stories. But as I turn the page and depart my most recent phase of debauchery (which lasted over 5 years), I can do it knowing I ran it as hard and as long as I could. I did it all. And miraculously survived. My liver is scarred, my police record is full and the women are gone. I tried every method imaginable to keep that life rolling. To try to make it worth it. And with the help of God, I was unable to continue.

Today I live an admittedly much more mundane life. BUT, I’m a better employee, friend and especially a better father. And there is still hope that someday I will find the high highs that I once enjoyed, only I will enjoying them with a clear mind and conscience.

If you are chasing those highs, and they’re fewer and farther between and the chase leaves you aching and alone, maybe it is your time to say you’ve run it as long and as hard as you could. Maybe you can give up that fight and open your heart and mind to a new way of life. I’ll rest my head on the pillow tonight with no regrets or shame over who I was today. That was not a luxury that I knew when I was out chasing highs. I didn’t hurt any other human in any way today. I was of service to my fellow man. I was righteous and honorable. For just today I did what I believe to be God’s will. What a gift.

PeacefulWater12

Well said.

I am loving my "mundane" life now. It fills me up with contentment.

My old life was exhausting, chasing a high that my body could no longer give me as I had worn it out with my abuse.

I now also know that highs are followed by lows. I like my content middle ground now. Steady does it!

BeABetterMan

Contentment, what a wonderful state of being.

least

Yes, contented. Satisfied with what I have, not concerned about what I don't have. My needs are simple and my wants are few. I am happy in my own skin. I no longer desire the high, I like my life chugging along like the little engine that could.

Dropsie

Beautifully said. Who knew boring could be so fulfilling.

Dee74

Thanks BABM

I never thought I'd be that guy but there's nothing - no good times - I experienced drinking that I haven't experienced better, longer, or a meaningful way sober.

I like being my age, and having my responsibilities, and being totally connected to reality 24/7 - who knew?

D

Mizz

I really enjoy the fact that when I wake up I don't want to die. That thought of dying became real troubling for me.
I would get "high" for a few hours just to experience a detrimental low. Rinse and repeat. I could not see myself living sober again, in the space when I was sober, nor could I see myself dying by alcohol. I was really really stuck in a hard ******* place. Stuck. I stayed stuck like that for quite sometime. Something was deeply wrong and I was terrified.

I value honesty with myself and others above all other things. Material possessions come and go. If I am not honest with myself, or try to be something I am not, the troubles set in big time. This sober way is fitting for a person like me. There is no more hiding or lying about who I am in the world. I certainly have the days where life "seems" mundane. Its better than being an active alcoholic. There are too many damn problems on that alcoholic road.

BeABetterMan

Yep Mizz, it just became too hard to continue. To heavy of a price. And the highs were so much more infrequent. But I do miss them. I am clinging to hope that true joy will return to my life.

advbike

It will BABM. I spent decades chasing the highs but the most joy I have experienced has been when sober for long periods of time. I mean really amazing contentment and joy. Great adventures. I just need to hang onto it this time.

Surrendered19

There might indeed not be anything to match that fleeting high that alcohol brought to us. What I remember most though are the few dozen days when the highs were over. The last few months of my 30-year drinking career, there wasn't a single moment of high or relief in any of it. I drank because that was the only way I could make it to the bathroom or do any of the few tasks I had no choice about. I had to get loaded to apologize to my innocent daughters for what I had done the night before, or to check social media and my phone to see what other relationships I destroyed when I was blacked out.

Your post is beautiful BABM. Such a great way to tell your story, and it is a story with so many parts that we have all experienced.

Be123

Thanks BABM. I feel very similar, I call my state a mid life crisis. All those things I chased have passed and I need to start again.

I could tell you about the highs. To me it's like gambling - people always tell you about the wins, and when they do I know full well they've lost a whole lot. Snorting coke in Germany with 500 people having a great laugh.

Off a dirty toilet cistern. Fighting with my brother. Riding the bus on my own around a city I'd didn't know, completely out of my tree. God I hate what I must've looked like in reality. Such a sad case, I thought I was the bees knees.

Glad to be sober

brighterday1234

I love my low-stress, drama-free, peaceful and simple life that’s been granted to me in recovery. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Very grateful to be sober 🙏

ciowa

I sometimes think about what other feelings were present when I went to the bar chasing the same experiences you mentioned. One of them was the spontaneity and unpredictable outcomes that could happen. To walk into a bar at 10pm and not know exactly how the night would end and with who was exciting for me. So, now if I ever feel like I need that same type of feeling, i try to think of ways that I might be able to replicate a similar (is somewhat muted or different feeling) sober experience and try that out.
I also would sometimes get almost hyped out of my mind listening to loud music in the bar having the first drinks so nowadays I might listen to the same type of music but when Im jogging or lifting weights. I try to find outlets for different things when I can. An ex gf used to say I was an adrenaline junkie but I didnt see it that way. But, I will try edgy things every now and then in my sober life if I feel like I need a little push. Nothing to intense though since I like having a quieter life without the chaos.

nez

I still experience highs, they are just of a different more subtle nature, but they are there all the same. Just harder to pick up on.

I also can address my need for adrenaline rushes, even better in recovery, because I have better control of my physical faculties. I ski better and faster because I have true confidence instead of bottle false bravado. The same for riding my motorcycle.

Scuba diving while not an adrenaline rush is still more intense because I am more fully present. Basically the highs are there, when I am fully present, instead of when I am looking for something, because in looking, I go right by the present.

Standing in the early morning rays of the sun in the back-country on top of a 12,000 ft mountaintop without another human being around for miles after a hike from my overnight base camp, is a high!

I used to pooh-pooh stories of people's burning bush experiences. I am now of the belief that I have been singed by many burning bushes in my life, I just wasn't present enough to realize the existence of the burning bush.

The highs haven't gone anywhere!

Anna

Yes, BABM, peace and contentment cannot be overrated.

Vincent484

Great post. It used to bother me when people in recovery programs wouldn't acknowledge that alcohol did do a lot of good things for me at various points. It just started to take way more than it was giving eventually. I feel like it was hard for people to admit the good times alcohol provided even thought that's part of what got me addicted in the first place.

BeABetterMan

And just FYI, I wasn't going to post this after writing it because I didn't want to seem like I was romanticizing the drink, even if I was. I posted it because I am not just one thing and I don't think just one way. My thoughts are complex as are my feelings. I sometimes feel guilty for looking back fondly on some of the times I had or longing for the feelings I had. But damn it, I do miss some of those times and I do long for those feelings and feeling ashamed of that is doing me no good. In the end I remember those times and they were good, but there were just SO MANY bad times. And times that were truly life threatening. Extended periods of virtual insanity and immense suffering. Time that I spent in jails we so anxiety inducing that if a person could die from anxiety I would have. I tried and tried and tried to find a way to live in harmony with alcohol. If it were possible I would have solved it. It was unsolvable.

Aellyce

I think most of us are just like you BABM in terms of complexity and sometimes conflicting thoughts, feelings and motives. I very much value these kinds of posts because it highlights the reality of addiction and recovery, very relatable. I have definitely engaged in a lot of excitement-seeking and risk taking throughout my life and not all of them are destructive or dangerous, some are actually the very sources of the good parts of my life and achievements. But the package is not one-dimensional for sure and staying away from the alcohol makes it much more manageable. Thanks for sharing!

ciowa

Yeah, I still have a bunch of good memories of drinking and even from the last bender I went on(that convinced me to stop) I had fun the first night at the bar but not the following 3 days of non stop vodka drinking by myself. When I stopped drinking, I said goodbye to that period of my life. I knew I would not be able to go back to that time again and I was ok with accepting that it was over and time to move on. Even if I could continue, I realized a long time ago how lame I was going to look if I was still doing the same things like dancing with younger women in a bar when I was old enough to be their dad, or trying to fight someone half my age after a pointless argument. I have no wife or kids so I used to use the excuse that I took care of my own responsibilities but I came to the realization that I had another responsibility to family, friends, work and my girlfriend that I needed to embrace and its been a choice I dont regret.

Sober45

As more time passes, the association my brain makes between pleasure and alcohol gets dimmer and dimmer. Honestly I don’t spend any time pondering what alcohol did for me because for me it would only strengthen the AVs power. IMO. I do acknowledge it however.

I love what Nez says...so I’m going after the super rich triple high now. We can make it happen if we stay sober!