I miss the highs, but...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan 
And just FYI, I wasn't going to post this after writing it because I didn't want to seem like I was romanticizing the drink, even if I was. I posted it because I am not just one thing and I don't think just one way. My thoughts are complex as are my feelings. I sometimes feel guilty for looking back fondly on some of the times I had or longing for the feelings I had. But damn it, I do miss some of those times and I do long for those feelings and feeling ashamed of that is doing me no good. In the end I remember those times and they were good, but there were just SO MANY bad times. And times that were truly life threatening. Extended periods of virtual insanity and immense suffering. Time that I spent in jails we so anxiety inducing that if a person could die from anxiety I would have. I tried and tried and tried to find a way to live in harmony with alcohol. If it were possible I would have solved it. It was unsolvable.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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I appreciate the way you put it, BABM. Instead of pretending there was no fun & excitement, you acknowledge it, but admit the high price paid. We can ruefully look back on our drinking life - in my early days of sobriety I sometimes yearned to return to it & resented having to leave it - but I'm so thankful I got past feeling that way.
The honest sharing we do here has meant the world to me. No one gets it but us. To know we're not alone is everything.
The honest sharing we do here has meant the world to me. No one gets it but us. To know we're not alone is everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Thanks everyone for the input. It's important to have a place to share this, the slippery side of recovery. I am not all sick and not all well. I am both and both of those states drive my thoughts. Sometimes I have to face that old stuff and retire it. Sometimes I have to do it once a month, sometimes several times a day. Lately, I've noticed more of the sick thoughts. It's not a good trend. I hope sharing my thoughts/feelings is therapeutic. I'm not sure. I'm bringing the lead in a meeting tonight and my soul needs the fellowship.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I appreciate the way you put it, BABM. Instead of pretending there was no fun & excitement, you acknowledge it, but admit the high price paid. We can ruefully look back on our drinking life - in my early days of sobriety I sometimes yearned to return to it & resented having to leave it - but I'm so thankful I got past feeling that way.
The honest sharing we do here has meant the world to me. No one gets it but us. To know we're not alone is everything.
The honest sharing we do here has meant the world to me. No one gets it but us. To know we're not alone is everything.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I sometimes miss the early days of my drinking when I still had fun most of the time, without the bad consequences. I think back to those days and feel some nostalgia and bit of longing. But what am I really nostalgic for? Is it the alcohol, or is the the carefree adventures of my youth, before life got so heavy? Yes, those adventures were almost always accompanied by alcohol, but it was not the central feature (most of the time). It maybe enhanced some of those experiences, but the experiences would have been fun without it. The concerts, dinners out, trips with friends, laughing and being silly... that's what I miss, really. Not the alcohol. I drank to loosen up a little because I was a shy and anxious person. It did help me lighten up. As I got older the alcohol became a crutch and the central feature of almost all socializing. That's when things got dark. The rest of my life had gotten hard and heavy, and I told myself the drinking and socializing at bars was something I needed, deserved. All a lie, as it turns out. Alcohol became a need, a curse, an enemy. But it was hard to let go, because sometimes, for a fleeting hour here and there, it was still fun. And I didn't know how to live without it. As the consequences got worse and worse, I knew things were very very wrong in my life and I wanted to die a lot of the time.
That's when it became too much - even though I had had some really serious consequences, it took getting to the point where dying seemed like an OK option that I woke up and saw what I was doing to myself and everyone I cared about. But I was still scared. Would I ever be able to have fun? Socialize? Have adventures? Get silly? But that all became secondary, and I realized it might just be my destiny to live a small boring life from here on out. I was prepared for that. Part of me welcomed it, and part of me mourned my drinking days. It was a strange feeling and I was conflicted.
I'm not conflicted anymore. I can look back on those fun days of my youth and appreciate the experiences, and be happy I had them. Then I can think back to a few years ago before I quit, after 30 years of drinking, and realize that there was no fun to be found in a bottle. There never really was. What I have now is a new sense of gratitude, serenity and peace. If that were all I gained, I'd be ok with that. But it's not all. I experience more joy in my life now than I ever did before. And it's because I'm not halfway numb with alcohol when I go out into the world and do things. I see and feel so much more. Even a seemingly everyday thing like going to a park or a movie or out to dinner with friends is actually more fun now. I feel free. And that opens me up for so much more enjoyment deep down. And as a bonus, I don't have regrets on a daily basis. True freedom.
That's when it became too much - even though I had had some really serious consequences, it took getting to the point where dying seemed like an OK option that I woke up and saw what I was doing to myself and everyone I cared about. But I was still scared. Would I ever be able to have fun? Socialize? Have adventures? Get silly? But that all became secondary, and I realized it might just be my destiny to live a small boring life from here on out. I was prepared for that. Part of me welcomed it, and part of me mourned my drinking days. It was a strange feeling and I was conflicted.
I'm not conflicted anymore. I can look back on those fun days of my youth and appreciate the experiences, and be happy I had them. Then I can think back to a few years ago before I quit, after 30 years of drinking, and realize that there was no fun to be found in a bottle. There never really was. What I have now is a new sense of gratitude, serenity and peace. If that were all I gained, I'd be ok with that. But it's not all. I experience more joy in my life now than I ever did before. And it's because I'm not halfway numb with alcohol when I go out into the world and do things. I see and feel so much more. Even a seemingly everyday thing like going to a park or a movie or out to dinner with friends is actually more fun now. I feel free. And that opens me up for so much more enjoyment deep down. And as a bonus, I don't have regrets on a daily basis. True freedom.
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Nostalgia is a good word for it, MLD. It took me a while to stop grieving for the 'loss'. Which of course was ridiculous, since I was half dead by the time I quit.
Elly - I needed time to pass so I could put things in perspective. I went through many phases as I healed. I was sad for a few months - until I finally accepted that I could never safely touch it again. The relief & happiness for my new freedom finally kicked in & I felt stronger. I wouldn't recommend being around drinking until you feel confident that your new way of life isn't going to be challenged. It's unrealistic to expect we'll never be around it again - but be patient with yourself in the early months (or longer, if needed).
Elly - I needed time to pass so I could put things in perspective. I went through many phases as I healed. I was sad for a few months - until I finally accepted that I could never safely touch it again. The relief & happiness for my new freedom finally kicked in & I felt stronger. I wouldn't recommend being around drinking until you feel confident that your new way of life isn't going to be challenged. It's unrealistic to expect we'll never be around it again - but be patient with yourself in the early months (or longer, if needed).
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
When I look back on my drinking it wasn't all that crash hot. "She had fun, fun, fun, 'til her daddy took the Tbird away." Shallow, unthinking. Lots of 'good times' I guess, but easily replicated in sobriety. How come I didn't know that?
I'm enjoying more now the subtleties of existence, the growth, the learning. The deep fun.
And I'm still dancing like no one is watching. 💃🏽
Hope you're dancing too, BABM.
I'm enjoying more now the subtleties of existence, the growth, the learning. The deep fun.
And I'm still dancing like no one is watching. 💃🏽
Hope you're dancing too, BABM.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 87
I hear you, I miss the high sometimes too.
And while I have an alcoholism issue first and foremost that I am working on (sobriety), I used to always think I was 10x more addicted to the rush of the party, the total craziness of it, and overall to the “not giving a shit” mindset.
Once I realized that I found other things that give me that rush without the booze, without the empty partying, that are amazing. Martial arts, fitness, fast cars.
While I do miss the high sometimes, I overall don’t miss that life at all. It was empty and nothing good ever came of it.
And towards the end for me, it was more like 1 gram of pleasure and 10 tons of pain.
The amount of good things that have happened through extended sobriety (at least for me), outweigh any of that by 1000x.
And while I have an alcoholism issue first and foremost that I am working on (sobriety), I used to always think I was 10x more addicted to the rush of the party, the total craziness of it, and overall to the “not giving a shit” mindset.
Once I realized that I found other things that give me that rush without the booze, without the empty partying, that are amazing. Martial arts, fitness, fast cars.
While I do miss the high sometimes, I overall don’t miss that life at all. It was empty and nothing good ever came of it.
And towards the end for me, it was more like 1 gram of pleasure and 10 tons of pain.
The amount of good things that have happened through extended sobriety (at least for me), outweigh any of that by 1000x.
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