And just FYI, I wasn't going to post this after writing it because I didn't want to seem like I was romanticizing the drink, even if I was. I posted it because I am not just one thing and I don't think just one way. My thoughts are complex as are my feelings. I sometimes feel guilty for looking back fondly on some of the times I had or longing for the feelings I had. But damn it, I do miss some of those times and I do long for those feelings and feeling ashamed of that is doing me no good. In the end I remember those times and they were good, but there were just SO MANY bad times. And times that were truly life threatening. Extended periods of virtual insanity and immense suffering. Time that I spent in jails we so anxiety inducing that if a person could die from anxiety I would have. I tried and tried and tried to find a way to live in harmony with alcohol. If it were possible I would have solved it. It was unsolvable.