I miss the highs, but...
I miss the high highs of my crazy life when I was in my active addiction. Whether it be with the drinking or the drugs or the women or the disdain for authority, there was much fun. Seemingly endless excitement and adrenaline. There had to be or I wouldn’t have kept doing it. But every ounce of pleasure was matched by a pound of pain. For all of the dinks and drugs, there were jails and hospitals. For the women there was pain and emptiness. I paid and I paid dearly for those fleeting moments of ecstasy. Especially at the end.
Today I am not willing to pay pounds of pain for ounces of pleasure. I still miss the high highs, the adventures, the hijinks, the thrill. But I know that they come at a price that I am not willing to pay.
This weekend I sold my Mercedes and bought the most neutered, grocery getting, girl-scouting selling SUV you could ever buy. And as I drove it around today I had a big smile on my face. I’ve had about 5 phases in my life. Two of them were completely off the rails. I have stories. My stories have stories. But as I turn the page and depart my most recent phase of debauchery (which lasted over 5 years), I can do it knowing I ran it as hard and as long as I could. I did it all. And miraculously survived. My liver is scarred, my police record is full and the women are gone. I tried every method imaginable to keep that life rolling. To try to make it worth it. And with the help of God, I was unable to continue.
Today I live an admittedly much more mundane life. BUT, I’m a better employee, friend and especially a better father. And there is still hope that someday I will find the high highs that I once enjoyed, only I will enjoying them with a clear mind and conscience.
If you are chasing those highs, and they’re fewer and farther between and the chase leaves you aching and alone, maybe it is your time to say you’ve run it as long and as hard as you could. Maybe you can give up that fight and open your heart and mind to a new way of life. I’ll rest my head on the pillow tonight with no regrets or shame over who I was today. That was not a luxury that I knew when I was out chasing highs. I didn’t hurt any other human in any way today. I was of service to my fellow man. I was righteous and honorable. For just today I did what I believe to be God’s will. What a gift.