I think most of us are just like you BABM in terms of complexity and sometimes conflicting thoughts, feelings and motives. I very much value these kinds of posts because it highlights the reality of addiction and recovery, very relatable. I have definitely engaged in a lot of excitement-seeking and risk taking throughout my life and not all of them are destructive or dangerous, some are actually the very sources of the good parts of my life and achievements. But the package is not one-dimensional for sure and staying away from the alcohol makes it much more manageable. Thanks for sharing!