Coming off a 4-day bender - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > New to Addiction and Recovery? > Newcomers to Recovery
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-12-2018, 09:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2

Coming off a 4-day bender


Hey I'm new here.

I just spent the last 4 days holed up in a hotel with a guy and we just drank. We woke up and started drinking and we just sat there all day just destroying ourselves.

I'm relapsing and now when I drink I black out and I hurt people and I don't think I want to hurt people anymore. I drink because I feel like I know too much about the world and I'm sad.

last night I got so drunk that I made out with a man my father's age because he looked like Jerry Garcia. That is really old. That's the kind of stuff that only makes sense when you're too drunk to think straight. I'm using speech to text to write this all down and it's pretty powerful to talk about and I'm really scared. I think I'm looking for help right now because I want to be better because I know I can be better. I'm sitting here in my friend's apartment alone crying and not taking care of myself.

I guess I slammed my head against the wall last night but I don't remember doing that and that's not okay. I think every time that I drink that I can handle it and not go crazy but every time that I drink now I end up blacked out and I wake up 5 hours later not knowing where I am or how I got there usually.

I think I am addicted to alcohol and I am addicted to sex and I know I'm pretty and I use that to take advantage of whatever kind soul wanders into my life and that's also not okay. My interpersonal relationships are terrible. I just want to be better and I am looking for kind words of support to know that I am not alone because I don't want to be alone and I can't handle being alone.

so I guess the SparkNotes version of what I'm trying to tell a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet is that I have a real problem and I wanted to know that I'm not the only one and that I can get better because I have to get better because I am going to die if I don't get better you know? I just can't keep living like this.
littleshiki is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to littleshiki For This Useful Post:
Anna (07-12-2018), ChloeRose63 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), lessgravity (07-13-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018), Nonsensical (07-13-2018), Rar (07-13-2018), Trelkovsky (07-12-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 09:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 49,234
Littleshiki, we are 'a bunch of anonymous strangers' here, but we are also a family. And, we do understand.

I used to blackout towards the end of my drinking days and it's a horrible experience. It's awful to know that you will never know for sure what happened.

I'm glad you're ready to stop drinking and to be the best person you can be. It's always a good idea to talk to a dr if you're concerned about detoxing because it can be dangerous. It's also a good idea to have a plan worked out about how you will stop drinking and stay sober.
__________________
And I dont know what the future is holding in store
I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end.


John Denver
Anna is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), least (07-12-2018), NerfThis (07-13-2018), thomas11 (07-12-2018), Trelkovsky (07-12-2018), Verdantia (07-12-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 09:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
badgerden's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: eastern oregon
Posts: 1,177
Welcome littleshiki, very glad you found us! Anna said it perfectly "we are 'a bunch of anonymous strangers' here, but we are also a family. And, we do understand. No judging, just lots of support and advice, some you may not want to hear but it always comes from the heart. Keep posting.

Badge
__________________
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” ―Bob Marley

I chose life on Oct. 9, 2017
badgerden is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to badgerden For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-12-2018), Dee74 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), least (07-12-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 09:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,139
Have you ever considered checking out a couple AA meetings? Could be the change you're looking for. I was ,what I thought, a lost cause and had accepted my fate. Took out large life insurance policies and was done. The court sent me to AA and it really got my head back on straight. I'm not an avid AA'er and mainly use this site as my support now,but the F2F support of AA really got me started. I'm coming up on about 19mo without a drink(minus 1 night).
__________________
If a man gets bit holding a snake in his hand ,who do you blame the snake or the man?
DontRemember is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to DontRemember For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (07-12-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018), Verdantia (07-12-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 09:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Upstate
Posts: 33,729
Hi littleshiki - I'm so glad you joined us. We all understand what you're going through, believe me.

I was doing out-of-character & reckless things too at the end of my drinking days. I was putting myself in danger & not paying attention to the important things in life. I felt the same way you do - I felt I would die if I didn't get free of alcohol addiction. I drank for decades - but I stopped & reclaimed my life. Being here really helps us get through it. Good to have you with us - you can do this.
__________________
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-13-2018), Dee74 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018), thomas11 (07-12-2018), Trelkovsky (07-12-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 10:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 52
To some extent I was the same way. Drinking a lot combined with ending up with women to alleviate the feeling of being alone. Sure, I may feel wanted and needed one night and it feels great in the moment but, as a result of all the "fun", I could feel used for money or taken advantaged of in some way or even be exposed to some incurable STD.

Loneliness is a very difficult feeling to cope with without alcohol but what really helped me is going to all kinds of meetings available out there (i.e. AA and SMART Recovery) and staying busy doing things I enjoyed doing that didn't include booze. Eventually, along your journey you'll come across someone who is experiencing the very same thing you are and, like me, something will click and you'll realize you're not alone in this. We are not alone.

Best wishes.
rich27 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to rich27 For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018), Rar (07-13-2018), Trelkovsky (07-12-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 12:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 427
Littleshiki, I know just how you feel. I'm not sure what "type" of drinker you are, but it sounds like you might be a binge drinker like me. Whenever I picked up, whether it was beer or liquor or wine or whatever, 9 times out of 10 it meant the next three or so days would be a total wash. I'd remember things the way you remember a dream; in a kind of hazy fog, not sure what's real and what's not. I'd wake up with bruises and bangs and have no idea where they came from. I too would go places and do things with people with whom I would never normally associate. Then, the next day, I'd drink more to make myself feel better about the stupidity that I allowed to happen. This is a terrible way to live; it's time to break the chain once and for all.

It's great that you've decided enough is enough. Do not give alcohol the power with that first drink, or its grip will tighten around your throat until the only way out seems to be more drinking. I would strongly suggest getting involved in a sober community TODAY. I was very hesitant to try AA, but it truly is just a group of people who meet with one common goal: staying sober. There are no commitments, no obligations; you just have to have the desire to stop drinking. That's it.

Remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Most, if not all of us who were really deep in alcoholism, have been precisely where you are: feeling physically and mentally depleted. Remember - we are powerless against alcohol, but we are not hopeless. As long as I don't give alcohol the power of the first drink, I can manage; you can too
VigilanceNow is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to VigilanceNow For This Useful Post:
daredevil (07-13-2018), Dee74 (07-12-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-12-2018), Rar (07-13-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 04:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 164,396
Blog Entries: 1
Hi and welcome Littleshiki

No matter how far we fall, I rarely believe it's never too late to turn things around. Sounds like you have a lot of reasons for change.

SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 05:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 186
There absolutely is great hope and a wonderful, happy and bright future for you if you accept your alcoholism and get into a recovery program and get working it. Try AA or any other program and also try to use SR as much as possible. SR is a wonderful recovery tool and it’s been a massive part of my recovery. I will always be massively grateful for SR. Recovery is all about rigorous honesty with yourself and honestly doing as much as you need to do to stay sober and keep progressing forwards one day at a time. Work out what that is for you always remaining sober at all costs.
brighterday1234 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to brighterday1234 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Rar (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 05:54 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Just a little update:

I went to a meeting last night with hands shaking so bad I spilled my coffee but it was the best decision I ever made and I'm going to two today. I'm thinking I'll be going to a lot of meetings to fill up my time because drinking took up a lot of my time. It's only fair to let this take up time too.

The words of encouragement and support have been so helpful from everyone in the past 24 hours. I don't think I would have had the courage to go to so many meetings had I not made an account here.

So far I have another 24 hour chip and the big book in front of me!
littleshiki is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to littleshiki For This Useful Post:
2ndhandrose (07-13-2018), August252015 (07-13-2018), badlands (07-15-2018), ChloeRose63 (07-13-2018), Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), Hevyn (07-13-2018), Linners820 (07-13-2018), Midwest1981 (07-13-2018), NerfThis (07-13-2018), ScottFromWI (07-13-2018), Snufkin (07-13-2018), tomsteve (07-13-2018), yinzer (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 06:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
yinzer's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 490
littleshiki, that is great to hear.

I was like you; horribly destructive behavior, days on end of drunkenness and blackouts, sex with strangers, years of my life wasted that I don't even remember. You are on a path to a much better future now. I didn't even have a future back then, except the hospital where I ended up before I changed. Alcohol is not conducive to a positive future.
yinzer is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to yinzer For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018), wildflower70 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 06:24 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Midwest1981's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4,472
littleshiki- welcome to SR! I am really glad you found this site. It will help you out a lot. Great job on going to the meeting. If you do the work you will come out on the other side and realize your value and worth!!
__________________
Midwest1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Midwest1981 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 06:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
gettingsmarter's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,725
Always remember you never have to feel like this again.
If you do all it takes is the first drink.
gettingsmarter is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gettingsmarter For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 07:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
August252015's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 4,497
So glad to hear your update today- and your plan is a great one. Stick with it and don't drink today. You can do this and we look forward to getting to know you!
__________________
August

Quote:
"Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice in Wonderland
August252015 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 07:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
lessgravity's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 2,003
Nice job and getting to the meeting. Those steps can be so difficult, yet when you look back on them, somewhat simple. More though, they are so important.

Keep us updated and congrats on not drinking. Keep it moving.
__________________
I've paid enough, not paying anymore

- april 2018 -
lessgravity is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to lessgravity For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 07:27 AM   #16 (permalink)
My Own Muse
 
ChloeRose63's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
Posts: 11,891
Welcome to SR!
Great to hear that you are making wiser choices!
__________________
"Happiness is not a goal, it is a biproduct."
ChloeRose63 is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ChloeRose63 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 10:44 AM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,139
That's great! Had I went when I first joined here and it was suggested, I'd have saved a lot of 'heartache' for myself and others. It gets easier with some time/distance between you and your last drink.
__________________
If a man gets bit holding a snake in his hand ,who do you blame the snake or the man?
DontRemember is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to DontRemember For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 12:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
NerfThis's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 80
Very impressed that you reached out here with a problem, took on board the replies and got yourself to a meeting so quickly. Congrats on getting down to fixing things so fast!
NerfThis is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to NerfThis For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (07-13-2018)
Old 07-13-2018, 12:44 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Fearlessat50's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 40
Littleshiki, I’m glad you reached out. This group is so supportive here and when I made a decision to stop drinking for good, many here have helped prevent me from relapsing. You are not alone. I don’t know how old you are? But I was once just like you in my college years. I was in control for years after that, but things got way out of control in my 40’s, minus the sex (I’m a boring married person now. Lol). I started having blackouts and scary physical symptoms. I didn’t look so pretty anymore either . Believe me, alcohol does take a toll on your skin over time. . I stopped drinking just before turning 50 and have been sober for over a year. Life is so much better without alcohol. I feel pretty again too . Life is still hard and there will always be ups and downs, but it’s so much better to feel alive and deal with problems sober. Keep coming around. Also, I don’t know how much and how often or long you’ve been drinking like this. But if you’re shaking badly and having a lot of withdrawal symptoms, maybe you need detox to get you through this phase? I’ll be thinking about you!
Fearlessat50 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2018, 01:01 PM   #20 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Upstate
Posts: 33,729
Littleshiki - Great news about the meeting. Let us know how today's meetings go.
__________________
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (07-13-2018)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:37 AM.