Have you ever considered checking out a couple AA meetings? Could be the change you're looking for. I was ,what I thought, a lost cause and had accepted my fate. Took out large life insurance policies and was done. The court sent me to AA and it really got my head back on straight. I'm not an avid AA'er and mainly use this site as my support now,but the F2F support of AA really got me started. I'm coming up on about 19mo without a drink(minus 1 night).