littleshiki

Hey I'm new here.

I just spent the last 4 days holed up in a hotel with a guy and we just drank. We woke up and started drinking and we just sat there all day just destroying ourselves.

I'm relapsing and now when I drink I black out and I hurt people and I don't think I want to hurt people anymore. I drink because I feel like I know too much about the world and I'm sad.

last night I got so drunk that I made out with a man my father's age because he looked like Jerry Garcia. That is really old. That's the kind of stuff that only makes sense when you're too drunk to think straight. I'm using speech to text to write this all down and it's pretty powerful to talk about and I'm really scared. I think I'm looking for help right now because I want to be better because I know I can be better. I'm sitting here in my friend's apartment alone crying and not taking care of myself.

I guess I slammed my head against the wall last night but I don't remember doing that and that's not okay. I think every time that I drink that I can handle it and not go crazy but every time that I drink now I end up blacked out and I wake up 5 hours later not knowing where I am or how I got there usually.

I think I am addicted to alcohol and I am addicted to sex and I know I'm pretty and I use that to take advantage of whatever kind soul wanders into my life and that's also not okay. My interpersonal relationships are terrible. I just want to be better and I am looking for kind words of support to know that I am not alone because I don't want to be alone and I can't handle being alone.

so I guess the SparkNotes version of what I'm trying to tell a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet is that I have a real problem and I wanted to know that I'm not the only one and that I can get better because I have to get better because I am going to die if I don't get better you know? I just can't keep living like this.