Hevyn

You've just made it over a huge hurdle, Rachel. It's understandable that you're exhausted. You have a great attitude.

venuscat

^^^ Exactly. What Hev said.

Gabe1980

That's awesome - thanks Suze. I'm really determined to create a new life this time....I'll paint the picture as I go.

I hope you ok. I need to catch up with our 24 hour thread. I'll look forward to that tomorrow xx

Gabe1980

Thank you Hevyn, I'm learning so much here, I credit that to a change in perspective xx

venuscat

I am fine honey. Sleep well tonight.....you have earned it....I love it when my head hits the pillow after a long few days.....sweet dreams. xx ♥

ChloeRose63

Morning, Rachel! How are you doing today? I saw you posted on T's thread. I sent him a PM, too.

venuscat

Late afternoon for Rachel now....hope you are still planning on going to the meeting tonight love.....it really is such a good thing to do....I can't wait to hear about it. ♥♥♥

Gabe1980

Hi Suze. I just posted this in Newcomers. I really do feel like bursting into tears. I'm sitting at work and I just don't know what to do. I really want to do the steps and I was excited yesterday. Now I just feel sick and scared....


I'm freaking out a bit. I'm due to go to my first AA meeting tonight, in two hours. I went to find the hall and went back to work. I saw two clients that I work with standing outside the hall. I work in a family support service and I been working supporting them and their families. I suddenly felt very vulnerable. There are only 7000 folk on the group of islands I live on and it's impossible to be anonymous here. Totally impossible and I'm not sure I can do this unless I am confident that I am.

I'm thinking of going home and starting online AA meetings and getting an online sponsor.

I don't know if I'm just being a coward, if how I feel is legitimate or if online meetings are a good idea.

I want to be strong enought to say **** it - I just don't care but in relatity I do care and I think this could start making me really paranoid.

I'm just confused now. Thank you. Rachel xx

We are moving in March, back to an urban area. I think online might be ok until I am in a place that I can not have to feel like this.

Gabe1980 is online now Report Post

venuscat

You need to do what makes you comfortable....especially right now. This is a vulnerable time and I understand that love.....yes online is good....we can help you with whatever links you want. And I would love to be a temporary sponsor if you want....just putting my hand up.....no pressure....even if you want a bit of guidance....whatever.....bim and Gilmer and tomsteve and chloe and Hev and Leigh and so many others are so wise.....it's OK to lean on us. s

Gabe1980

OMG really Suze? That would be amazing. I was so worried about posting that because it just sounds like I'm being a total coward and not priritising what is important but my job and my clients are so important to me too. I just want to be able to share and for people not to be aware of my professional life. I have found a site with online meetings that I've signed up to already. There is one tonight that I'm going to go to and then see how it feels. I really want to do this but I need to feel safe. Thank you so much. I'll message you later xxxx

venuscat

♥♥♥

Gabe1980

I also have the BB, a guide to the steps, AA recovery stories and a lovely big lined journal/workbook to get started! I wish I could fly over to the states and give you a cuddle

venuscat

That's great.....I can make sure to work from the same guide you are using as well as the 12 steps and 12 traditions....little blue book.....and easy for me to scan stuff and send it to you from there....or we can get it for you.

This is a huge blessing for me Rach. xxxxx

Gabe1980

Not as much as it is for me Suze! It really means the world to me. I'll get myself home just now and get sorted. I think I can get most things downloadable online. I'm off tomorrow too, so will get my planning hat on. Have a lovely evening xxxx

Gabe1980

Thought I had better catch up on my thread today....

I've had a really difficult couple of days but have had an odd feeling of being out of myself and listening to how I am thinking (if that makes sense!). I've been really angry, really, really angry, which is not an emtional I normally go to in a situation. I consider myself quite passive.

Firstly, angry about by brother's behaviour again, having being confronted by it when I went home to see my aunt last week. Knowing I needed to accept that I can't change this and let it go, but almost obsessing over it and ruminating about all the things that (I consider) wrong.....

Then angry at my boss, at feeling cheated out of support and de-valued. Constant cancellations of supervision and other important meetings, that kind of thing.

I have a very clean house as I spent most of yesterday angry cleaning.....the only time I ever want to clean anything

Then I realised this.....
These difficult emotions open the door to craving. I wanted to drink because I didn't like how I was feeling and also I felt JUSTIFIED! How ridiculous. To feel justified in drinking because I was angry.....Like it was a **** you to someone else that I drink.

It was a rough couple of days. I was tried and stressed. This certainly left me vulberable to another series of emotions stepping in. All this stuff just creates opportunities for addiciton to run riot and for AV to regain a voice in my head..

Self-care = Balance = Emotional stability = Sobriety.

I have read about this for a year on SR but I think I finally get it.Properly get the preventative stuff we can do to give ourselves the best shot we have a livining a healthy, sober life. That sounds so much like basic common sense but living it actively day to day is another matter.

I woke up today feeling ok. Happier and more motivated and I thought that I have spent all these years avoids difficult feeling that I never gave myself a chance at actually being sober and getting well. xxx

venuscat

I have a thing I do to keep a check on myself....I have done this for a long time and it works for me....when I notice that situations people or things are making me feel angry...I stop and ask myself how many things am I angry about? One? Two? If it's more than two I absolutely know it's me....I am bringing it. I am creating my own stress....

So my self-talk (right now for example, my whole house is vibrating, the walls floors...the noise is deafening....gas line....ours right now....this has made me so furious in the past weeks)...so my self-talk is gosh this is a big job for these guys, and it is taking them so much longer than they anticipated, and that would be very frustrating. They are redoing the gas pipeline in the whole city....this is a huge project...I can only imagine the extra costs involved as it goes over so badly....wow....glad I'm not paying tax here yet.

And....lucky they are so nice, I really like them, made friends with the head of the crew. Looked at pictures of his dogs, know his marital history....he he.....always compiling stories.

At which stage I am not angry at all anymore....I am thinking pleasant thoughts and smiling through the noise.


Hope you didn't mind my diatribe. ♥♥

Gabe1980

Suze!

That is really good advice and I think it's one of those things that takes work but can change your whole outlook. I love it. I know that a lot of that angry was about judging and about black/white thinking. It fuels itself into a frenzy and is just damaging to myself and everyone else.

I spoke to a colleague today about my boss and she pointed out a couple of things I hadn't considered. I also know that there are other issues involved with my brother/parents situation that I wasn't concentrating on - bottom line too, it's their lives.

I went back to my Buddhist stuff about people who make you angry are a gift to help you cultivate patience and compassion. That felt like a bit of a stretch yesterday but I can mange that more today!!

Valuable lessons - but wow! the craving It was right in there the minute the opportunity arose but I saw it and knew what was happening. Not a simple thing this addiction.

Suze xxxx

Gabe1980

Sorry Chloe! I missed your post before, was in a bit of a tissy (Scottish for meltdown!) I'm ok, ups and downs but definitely learning.

Hope you are well love xxx

biminiblue

You just made a giant huge leap, Gabe.

Good stuff.

Gabe1980

Thanks Bim! It really feels like it. I so glad to be seeing things more clearly xx