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Old 08-11-2018, 11:19 PM
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I hope it's ok to do this but I copied part of another post I've written in here because I wanted to keep my thread going and this was what I wanted to say.


So.....I had a bit of a moment at my work and decided to take a few days off. Having a bit of time has helped me realise a few things:

1) Not attending f to f meetings has been the product of my ego making me feel like I'm too unique to go and ask for help. I was so relived last week to get supportive comments about not needing to go ( and I really appreciate the comments and the support!) but there was a niggling feeling that I'm full of ****. I'm still scared but I'm gonna give it a go.

2) Online isn't gonna work for me because a big part of my issues is things remaining hidden. Compartmenalising my addiction as separate from the 'real' me but that it just bare faced denial and I don't want to be in denial anymore. The biggest step I can take in my Step 1 work is seeing that for what it is and choosing for my choices to be based on what will help me progress in recovery, no support my self-deception. Plus, I need to meet some new, sober real-life people to talk too, in person!

I've had mental health issues and eating disorders that have also been part of that remaining hidden. I don't want to be hidden anymore.

I have also decided to reduce my work hours to support my recovery. Money is just money. I can't invest what I need to while I'm working so much and exhausted all the time. It has just felt like a catalogue of failure and I'm done with that. If it doesn't support my health then it's out. I'm done with being like this.

It's so difficult to face up to things and to face up to who I am and what I'm actually doing to myself. I still doesn't feel real. I was thinking it's like taking a break from myself but replacing me with the worst possible version of me. I think the only way to do this is just to forget about what anyone thinks and ask for what I need.

Bim - you said before that the only problem you had was between your ears and that always stuck with me. My only problem is how I think. If I can change that and my perspective, I can have the life I want have.
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Old 08-12-2018, 12:10 AM
  # 162 (permalink)  
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Besides step 1..have you started working the other steps with a sponsor? Step 1 was a 'no brainer' for me. **I've never officially worked the steps** I always add that when discussing AA..don't want to seem like a hypocrite. However..studying/asking questions of a few AA folks f2f and on here, I've been pretty succesful with implementing them into my daily life.
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Old 08-12-2018, 12:30 AM
  # 163 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Besides step 1..have you started working the other steps with a sponsor? Step 1 was a 'no brainer' for me. **I've never officially worked the steps** I always add that when discussing AA..don't want to seem like a hypocrite. However..studying/asking questions of a few AA folks f2f and on here, I've been pretty succesful with implementing them into my daily life.
No yet, I've got the BB and the 12 and 12, plus a guide. Tbh I've struggled with step 1 and have mentally been fighting against that for a long time. I'm starting to become really aware that a lot of my thinking is off. The steps are making a lot of sense for me. Did you have anyone helping you through them? Like a sponsor?
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Old 08-12-2018, 12:47 AM
  # 164 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980 View Post
I hope it's ok to do this but I copied part of another post I've written in here because I wanted to keep my thread going and this was what I wanted to say.


So.....I had a bit of a moment at my work and decided to take a few days off. Having a bit of time has helped me realise a few things:

1) Not attending f to f meetings has been the product of my ego making me feel like I'm too unique to go and ask for help. I was so relived last week to get supportive comments about not needing to go ( and I really appreciate the comments and the support!) but there was a niggling feeling that I'm full of ****. I'm still scared but I'm gonna give it a go.

2) Online isn't gonna work for me because a big part of my issues is things remaining hidden. Compartmenalising my addiction as separate from the 'real' me but that it just bare faced denial and I don't want to be in denial anymore. The biggest step I can take in my Step 1 work is seeing that for what it is and choosing for my choices to be based on what will help me progress in recovery, no support my self-deception. Plus, I need to meet some new, sober real-life people to talk too, in person!

I've had mental health issues and eating disorders that have also been part of that remaining hidden. I don't want to be hidden anymore.

I have also decided to reduce my work hours to support my recovery. Money is just money. I can't invest what I need to while I'm working so much and exhausted all the time. It has just felt like a catalogue of failure and I'm done with that. If it doesn't support my health then it's out. I'm done with being like this.

It's so difficult to face up to things and to face up to who I am and what I'm actually doing to myself. I still doesn't feel real. I was thinking it's like taking a break from myself but replacing me with the worst possible version of me. I think the only way to do this is just to forget about what anyone thinks and ask for what I need.

Bim - you said before that the only problem you had was between your ears and that always stuck with me. My only problem is how I think. If I can change that and my perspective, I can have the life I want have.
Immense progress Gabe1980/ Rach.
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Old 08-12-2018, 12:53 AM
  # 165 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by decchemist View Post
Immense progress Gabe1980/ Rach.
Thanks Dec!
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Old 08-12-2018, 12:54 AM
  # 166 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980 View Post
No yet, I've got the BB and the 12 and 12, plus a guide. Tbh I've struggled with step 1 and have mentally been fighting against that for a long time. I'm starting to become really aware that a lot of my thinking is off. The steps are making a lot of sense for me. Did you have anyone helping you through them? Like a sponsor?
My first day at AA, I shared. I had wanted to go to AA for a couple years,but was affraid/embarrassed. So.. Eventually I was court ordered after my DUI. Anyways.. I said " I'm court ordered to be here,but I know I really need it. I need help." and I started crying.. I'm a 'tough guy' and look the part.. but,I was just done! Everyone gave me their numbers,but I didn't call. I did start showing up to more meetings than required and would read the steps/skim thru the book. Study/think them through..and go to different meetings. At a few meetings I had a mixed drink in my cup,but I listened and soaked as much in as I could..then one day,after another breakup with my exAgf, I picked up the phone and talked to a guy for over an hour instead of drinking over it..I talked through it and listened. Over the 8-10mo I attended(I was court oredered to 3mo twice/wk) I caught myself calling someone (I had 50+ numbers) or asking someone from here if I was having a hard time with anything that I might drink at/over(life) or something that I was struggling with about the book/steps(I've also never read the whole book). Surrender and acceptance that there are things I can't control(even my own thoughts at times) , for me, was the key to my sobriety.



That's a short summary(ramble) of my AA experience.

Edit: Super short version; I'll say I have/had a lot of sponsors. both from the rooms and out of them. I finally surrounded myself with positivity,instead of negativity in life.
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Old 08-12-2018, 01:30 AM
  # 167 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
My first day at AA, I shared. I had wanted to go to AA for a couple years,but was affraid/embarrassed. So.. Eventually I was court ordered after my DUI. Anyways.. I said " I'm court ordered to be here,but I know I really need it. I need help." and I started crying.. I'm a 'tough guy' and look the part.. but,I was just done! Everyone gave me their numbers,but I didn't call. I did start showing up to more meetings than required and would read the steps/skim thru the book. Study/think them through..and go to different meetings. At a few meetings I had a mixed drink in my cup,but I listened and soaked as much in as I could..then one day,after another breakup with my exAgf, I picked up the phone and talked to a guy for over an hour instead of drinking over it..I talked through it and listened. Over the 8-10mo I attended(I was court oredered to 3mo twice/wk) I caught myself calling someone (I had 50+ numbers) or asking someone from here if I was having a hard time with anything that I might drink at/over(life) or something that I was struggling with about the book/steps(I've also never read the whole book). Surrender and acceptance that there are things I can't control(even my own thoughts at times) , for me, was the key to my sobriety.



That's a short summary(ramble) of my AA experience.

Edit: Super short version; I'll say I have/had a lot of sponsors. both from the rooms and out of them. I finally surrounded myself with positivity,instead of negativity in life.
Thanks for sharing that, I really appreciate it. That's what I meant about my life being hidden. My drinking, my problem, my fears. I never even give myself a chance by sharing stuff with others and rely on my own faulty thinking again and again. I would love to meet some people I can trust, and share what my drinking experiences have been like. SR has been such a good start to that though, it gets easier to share on here, as time goes by. I really glad you found the support you needed xx
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Old 08-12-2018, 02:01 AM
  # 168 (permalink)  
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Old 08-12-2018, 02:14 AM
  # 169 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by joandmelandhan View Post
Hey Gabe!
Found you at last!
Oh my days - anger, frustration and resentment. Trigger city! Honestly? I think for now remembering that above all else there is nothing that warrants another sip of poison. Keep your absolute focus on your sobriety - nothing else matters.
One of Dee's gems of advice comes in handy for me and it goes something on the lines of " drinking on anger/resentment is like pouring poison down your throat and expecting the other person to die".
That has dragged me through some pretty tricky situations Gabe.
Anger still remains something I struggle with. I think it stems from my desire to have total control over everything and I just can't no matter how much I want to.
So I try and do a little better each time. Think about what I can actually control, what effect this anger is having on me and do my very best to put the situation into perspective. Oh yes and try and remember that I am not the centre of everyone else's universe! Sometimes things are frankly none of my business!
I suspect that that feelings of anger are something to do with our poorly brains having uncomfortable feelings which are usually dealt with by anesthetising through alcohol. When our brain doesn't get it's fix it has a tantrum and we get very cross indeed!
Oh dear I'm rambling already and it's my first post on your thread!
Really in a nutshell I'm kind of just empathising with the feelings you are having. Internal dialogue over the situation does help and I know I'm hoping that over time the switch to angry beast will lessen.
But the main thing I need you to remember is that anger is (for me at least) trigger of all trigger if indulged. No matter how badly your brother may be behaving it's not worth that precious week you've earned is it?
Lots of love and absolutely keep offloading here like you are
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(can't work out how to do love hearts on my laptop so kisses will have to do!)
Thank you . I identified strongly . I tried to be in control struggling with acceptence. I thought i accepted all horrid staff and life changes but expierience showed anger was still there. I am directing anger at myself i noticed like auto aggression. Being in peace and suddenly boom angry , anxious , self pity .After reading posts i heard people saying to be patient and you are right minimase the expectations ...only expectation that shoul be a priority is not to pick up first drink and only today. GOD help me to keep on going .X D
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Old 08-12-2018, 09:04 AM
  # 170 (permalink)  
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I already see a better version of you emerging. You are starting to care less about what others think and more about what is truly best for you! ��
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Old 08-12-2018, 10:01 AM
  # 171 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post
I already see a better version of you emerging. You are starting to care less about what others think and more about what is truly best for you! ��
That's awesome for you to say, thank you
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Old 08-24-2018, 03:58 AM
  # 172 (permalink)  
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Hey everyone,

It's been a little while and I thought I'd better update my thread!

It's been a weird but ultimately positve week. I felt like I'd been swinging backwards and forwards emotionally and was struggling to stay grounded in anything. In the interest of full disclosure it took one more weekend binge, bruises and WD symptoms to finally get my bum throught the doors of AA. I'm not proud of that and have skulked around a wee bit on SR not really wanting to admit that this was what it took.

After a great series of revalations about what I knew I needed to do, I still hurt myself that one last time. It did indeed hurt. It became my Step 1. After two failed attempts to get to meetings I had my husband drive me and walk me to the door. I finally understood unmanageability and powerlessness. I am completely powerless after that first drink and I will drink for days, black out for days and risk my life for days. EVERY time. Then it came together for me. I need all the help I can find to stop me taking that first drink....

The lightbulb burned brightly....

I loved the meeting. It was the one furthest from my work, just so I could see what it was like. There were three lovely older men who have a considerable number of years sobriety behind them. I listened to them and I knew I was in the right place. I understood them and I know they understood me. I found it so therapeutic to talk, in a normal way, to real people who understand. It was a powerful and moving thing. It was also scary as hell but I'm sure that will get easier.

They let me know that the main group is bigger and has a few women there too. I asked about sponsorship and they said the same, to find someone who you connect with and that understands your story. So I will. My next meeting is tomorrow.

It has taken me a year to achieve Step 1. That seems like an awfully long time but I put that down to a large ego and more than my share of pride. I finally understand that I can't change how I drink. Ever. I can drink the way I drink now or stop.

I also spoke to my boss and reduced my work hours. I have an extra day a week off, to work on this and we discussed the level of stress I have been under and she was very supportive. I am going to do less work to protect my mental health and recovery.

It all feels quite shaky but I feel better than I have done for ages. The proof as always will be in the actions I take. It's taken a lot of relapses to get here.

SR has been such a big part of gaining that acceptance about my drinking that I just want to thank everyone. Denial is a very powerful demon to overcome alone. Love Rachel xx

Sorry - Big post!
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:04 AM
  # 173 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the update Gabe - You're sounding great

D
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:07 AM
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I feel like I've said so many times that I'm at the point where I am definitely going to stop drinking now......I'm slightly scoffing at myself

I think the difference is that I have never taken any action that actually changes the content of my day to day life, other than posting here and trying to be healthier.

Going to meetings, reducing work and asking for more help really feels like a significant shift. It is prioritising recovery....finally
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Thanks for the update Gabe - You're sounding great

D
Thanks Dee. I think I'm going with quietly optimistic!
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:31 AM
  # 176 (permalink)  
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I think it is a significant shift too.

I have just been talking about this with another SR on Messenger....for some of us, no matter what happens or how ill we make ourselves, there is this persisting to desire to drink. Sure, the AV eases up over time.....absolutely....but for some of us the niggle of resentment never goes away....or maybe it takes a long time.

Or maybe shifting to a new country and everything I have done was just a bit much and my AV started screaming again....my point is I accept that I just might always have this come up occasionally. This resentment that I can't drink. That's what meetings are for....awesome to stand up and share that. The laughter is brilliant...the jokes....awww, poor Suzanne, tired of having an awesome life are you? It's too hard? What, because things go wrong....that's called living girl....and what else, you resent looking 10 years younger than your age and being vibrant? Sure, of course.... It goes on...you resent being a valuable member of the community do you?

My head is a dangerous place....if I listen to the fears and the stupid thoughts, I would be in trouble. So I tell them thanks for sharing and get support. And as time goes by, I notice that I am way stronger in my recovery than I thought I was...one day at a time.
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:39 AM
  # 177 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
I think it is a significant shift too.

I have just been talking about this with another SR on Messenger....for some of us, no matter what happens or how ill we make ourselves, there is this persisting to desire to drink. Sure, the AV eases up over time.....absolutely....but for some of us the niggle of resentment never goes away....or maybe it takes a long time.

Or maybe shifting to a new country and everything I have done was just a bit much and my AV started screaming again....my point is I accept that I just might always have this come up occasionally. This resentment that I can't drink. That's what meetings are for....awesome to stand up and share that. The laughter is brilliant...the jokes....awww, poor Suzanne, tired of having an awesome life are you? It's too hard? What, because things go wrong....that's called living girl....and what else, you resent looking 10 years younger than your age and being vibrant? Sure, of course.... It goes on...you resent being a valuable member of the community do you?

My head is a dangerous place....if I listen to the fears and the stupid thoughts, I would be in trouble. So I tell them thanks for sharing and get support. And as time goes by, I notice that I am way stronger in my recovery than I thought I was...one day at a time.
This is just a great post to read Suze, thanks so much. It's exactly the type of thing I need too. My head is the problem, I have an untrained mind.......I made a decision this week to make my mind a more hospitable and harmonious place to live....beacuse it runs riot and becomes a painful place to be.

There is that Buddhist description of the untrained mind being like a chattering monkey, so I talk to my monkey now, help her relax and calm down

I think the greatest thing I can away with from that meeting is that there is no shame. There is no shame because everyone has felt that shame and can completely empathise. It was such a liberating thing because I still blame myself for all of this and it can be crushing.

I am so lucky to have you around Suze xx
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Old 08-24-2018, 04:46 AM
  # 178 (permalink)  
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I know how crushing the shame is. Really.
This is my solution....

Every day I try to do something I am proud of, just one thing, and to be honest I mostly do way more than one these days....and that builds self-love. And as you learn to love and approve of yourself more, it becomes easier to look back at that shame without the crushing weight. And in time, you can even see all of the bad stuff in a positive light, because it has shaped the women we are becoming today.

Mixed tenses much? It's the untrained mind....
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Old 08-24-2018, 05:50 AM
  # 179 (permalink)  
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Thank you for the update Gabe. I have thought about you lately. You sound great! It’s inspiring!
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Old 08-24-2018, 06:07 AM
  # 180 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post


I know how crushing the shame is. Really.
This is my solution....

Every day I try to do something I am proud of, just one thing, and to be honest I mostly do way more than one these days....and that builds self-love. And as you learn to love and approve of yourself more, it becomes easier to look back at that shame without the crushing weight. And in time, you can even see all of the bad stuff in a positive light, because it has shaped the women we are becoming today.

Mixed tenses much? It's the untrained mind....
I desperately want to feel proud of myself, or maybe just love and accept myself. I decided this week to start small and work my way up. So.....keeping a better house and cooking proper meals is my first step....really showing that I care to my husband.

Also, doing my best at work. I get to show I care to others there too!

Have a lovely day Suze
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