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Old 05-05-2018, 09:53 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Way to go on your upcoming week

D
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Old 05-05-2018, 10:23 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I am on day 2 renvate so it’s great to read your posts, they are keeping me focussed.
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Old 05-06-2018, 04:53 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks Alice, give it your best shot, you won't regret it.

Day 7 down.

This time last week i was head down on my desk surrounded by wine and beer bottles in the most miserable state I've ever been in. I was contemplating of driving down to get more alcohol, nothing scared me, i was ready to accept all consequences just for a drink. But common sense still prevailed and i went to bed.


Reading back my posts i can say that my mind has settled abit. My emotions have calmed down and my rational mind has set it. Iam moving on with my life with the ex thing. I have deleted all possibles means of contact and information from Her. for my own stability she does not exist.

now i don't pray, But Just before bed yesterday though i said a prayer for her to be happy. Who would of thought the power of a small first-time prayer would take so much tension out of my shoulders, and it gave me relief.

i am making quick progress attempts to socialize with people - nondrinking people. Iam forcing this and iam making it a habit to see what a new life can bring, Iam not a social person so this is a different step for me.

In saying that I am a bit embarrassed with all the stuff ive written, probably because its unusual for me to express this stuff, But i decided that it has to be written down to deload and to compare later down the track.

Today i went to a live music festival where i was surrounded by alcohol. I didn't get tempted because that was my old life. The life of bars music and attempted flirting and extreme public bing drinking. I was there to see who was in our meetup group. Unfortunately, our meeting group headed straight to the beer garden so i just said bye and left. I have nothing to do there nor did i want to make friends with them...

I was thirsty, and i found a juice bar. ordered some detox drink and drove home to get on my new mountain bike and ride to the gym - this isnt a forced change of life, i actually enjoy it and always wanted to do this, but alcohol has always stopped me.


in one week i have:
-moped around like a miserable mess making everyone angry at me.
-gone to AA, let a group know iam an alcoholic and i need help.
-Started exercising just to ease my head.
-Started to join social groups that DONT drink.
-Redirecting hope to a new life and better life choices

My old life is only right there next to me, i can transition any day, i am scared i might someday when the shock of the old life wears off. But ill tackle that when i get to it, atm iam busy building a new one.
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:56 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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DAY 9 down

I figured id post to this counter/accountability thread every 2 or 3 days as it makes things easier.

I think iam over that crazy emotion peak, as iam feeling very balanced today. lve been laughing and talking more thats for sure - heaps of energy.

yesterday was an absolute nightmare though. I haven't been that down in a long long time. I woke up so angry and every hour till bedtime i just kept getting angrier and angrier and sadder and sadder.

Perhaps i was getting worse because i didn't numb it at the start with booze, i let my brain chemicals do its thing - and who would of thought, it went away eventually. Now I've felt down before, but this was a WHAM i had not experienced yet.

I dont really crave a drink, only because i am so sick of that lifestyle.

one beer will get me BACK straight to where i was.

Hit the gym again today, made myself a program for the month to stick to, cant wait for the results.

other then that iam enjoying replying to threads that i can relate too.

onto day 10.
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Old 05-08-2018, 06:15 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Day Nine was my absolute worst day of early sobriety/withdrawal, whatever it was.

If someone so much as looked in my direction - -

I think I cried for the entire day. At the time I was hitting AA meetings daily, and on Day Nine someone said something that set me off for the rest of the day and probably for most of the next day. That was the one and only time I tested the, "pick up the phone if you want a drink," that I heard in AA. It worked, someone talked me off the ledge and got me laughing at myself.

My own head was a very dangerous place for me to spend much time in early sobriety. I think posting on here is a great idea, it does get one out of that churning inner turmoil. I posted in my Class of March thread several times a day. That was my safe place.

Keep doing the next right thing! You've made a great start, it will get better from here.
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Old 05-08-2018, 06:18 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
The opposite of addiction is connection.
 
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Iím just starting my Day 5 and your posts are inspiring me! Please keep posting!
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:14 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Day 11 down.


Not alot to say atm. Iam having the typical one/ two-week sober routine.

-feeling healthy
-looking healthy
-feeling fresh.
-emotions are sliding back to normal
-.....craving a cold beer.

I guess that's just habit. It was a hot day today, My neighbor sat on his porch today drinking a beer, and that definitely made my mouth water.

the cravings are there, i just have to make a choice, it's that simple. I quickly chose to remind myself what am doing and where i will end up.

unfortunately ....UNFORTUNATELY - my mind started to slip into the "what the points fighting cravings all your life, its just a beer"

But again, i made my subconscious choice to just pure and simply not drink today, and it was not that difficult. And i don't plan to drink tomorrow either.

i can't wait to see the results from my weight lifting goal ive set, i would of never have done it whilst drinking.

onto Day 12
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:41 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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You won't fight cravings all your life if you stay sober - only if you keep drinking...

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Old 05-10-2018, 07:09 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Yeah, what Dee said.

Cravings do go away - you've got to keep going past them, and past four months. They're like a bad pathway in the brain and metaphorically, the grass does grow up over it with lack of use.

At about five and a half months for me I had a really tough time with wanting to drink. I've read that more than once on this forum from others.

There is something about certain soberversaries that cause increase in cravings - but after that first year it was just a little whisper, easily dismissed.
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Old 05-10-2018, 01:17 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Love the thread. Dont be embarassed about talking about your personal ****. It means you are processing it, and feeling it. Gotta feel it to heal it!

And, for the record, ive done the same imagining someone having sex with someone else or doing the things you did. Its damn painful. But you are on a roll, and no one is stopping you!
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Old 05-10-2018, 01:38 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Way to go Renvate
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:01 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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You're doing great, Renvate!
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:07 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
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11 days- wonderful news, Renvate. Proud of you.
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Old 05-12-2018, 07:15 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Day 13 - finished.

Man of man what a crappy day today was. id love to make this entry a positive one, but the only positive is that i didn't drink.

today i came face to face on a massive reason why i drank. Its a mix of : depression and debilitating social anxiety (when sober)

But today was not just a habit of self-pity, it was pure and simple deep depression for about 6 hours. The type that literally sucks your energy away.

I don't want to say the cliche thing of " ive got depression". I don't, i just have my ups and downs in life like we all do. in fact my downs are rays of sunshine to what some people are going through ( people ive met and things I've read)

so thats why iam not doing this as a "woe is me" entry.

BUT! my depression bouts are the reason why i drink, ( like many of us) and it needs to be addressed on WHY i get these phases. Today it was so strong that i forced myself to go to sleep in the day, and at times i woke up with a jolt of fear and quickly forced myself back to sleep...

it was like i didn't want to be in a conscious state. ( sounds familiar?)

2 weeks ago i would of absolutely obliterated myself to shake that feeling, and it would of worked, but i would never have known how to deal with it sober.

Small flashback - as a young teenage guy i had terrible confidence, look even further i was actually born with 0 confidence, my folks tell me stories. So start at rock bottom, I HATE that about myself that at 27 i should be at my prime but I am still building my dam confidence.

As of two years ago i actually started to speak properly. This SA was that debilitating that at random times i couldn't speak or id mumble a sentence, this started happening somewhere around 22 years.

anyway for the last 12 years its all been liquid confidence. Id feel like a loser, id drink, iam suddenly a winner in my head - rinse repeat etc.

and iam so sick of faking confidence, especially in my relationships.

Today i went to a singles night.....80 guys and girls chatting away testing their game. i would of had the time of my life if i was drinking, i would of forgotten about my break up in 30 mins.

but this time it wasn't that i was not confident - i just was not interested. Ive spent so much energy faking confidence in my last relationship that i just didn't have any reserves in me atm to even bother trying to talk to the woman at this place that were expecting 100% talking game.

i was not interested to talk to anyone.

just goes to show that I am still not ready to date or be with anyone.

and iam in a bit of a corner here.:

I dont want to socialize, but i crave being in a crowd
i got to social events but i dont talk to anyone, iam so distrusting atm.
I need to find some female company just to ease my mind, but i think and feel like my left eye has gotten bigger from all the tension.

And I am so unrelaxed and tight that i give off all the wrong signals not to mention say nothing right.

Ive actually been so unrelaxed for years now.

6 years ago when i went through another relationship breakdown i was out every night guzzling beer and cider and going with the flow for any adventure, lets just say i moved on and achieved by killing lots and lots of brain cells.

I don't have that option now and i don't want that option. Iam doing life and its problems sober now.

So I am not sure what to do. Do i just ride it out and let time do its course and slowly allow my brain to adjust to life? Its like all my nerve endings in my head are all raw atm , and EVERYTHING is hitting them, because there is no alcohol there anymore to numb them.

thanks for reading.

onto Day 14
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Old 05-12-2018, 08:00 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Aww.

Well, first of all, early sobriety is definitely a flood of thoughts, not many of them good. Lots of this can and will die down in time...but not right now.

Second - start giving yourself new messages! If you have to write affirmative things on sticky notes and stick them everywhere, do that! Put positive thoughts on paper and in your phone and whenever you recognize a negative, read one of them. Memorize a poem and recite to yourself over and over when those dark thoughts come. This is mostly caused by a script you are telling yourself.

I read a lot of books about self-help at your age, because life was tough for me at that time, too. They were really helpful, maybe check out the bookstore or library. There is a lot of stuff online too but you get what you pay for online, so caution.

Here is the Box Breathing exercise from the Navy Seals: (yes, Navy Seals need a little help, too!)

Box Breathing - Navy Seals


Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.
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Old 05-12-2018, 09:56 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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"Low self-confidence isn’t a life sentence. Self-confidence can be learned, practiced, and mastered – just like any other skill. Once you master it, everything in your life will change for the better." – Barrie Davenport
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Old 05-12-2018, 10:37 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Renvate View Post
Day 13 - finished.

Man of man what a crappy day today was. id love to make this entry a positive one, but the only positive is that i didn't drink.

today i came face to face on a massive reason why i drank. Its a mix of : depression and debilitating social anxiety (when sober)

But today was not just a habit of self-pity, it was pure and simple deep depression for about 6 hours. The type that literally sucks your energy away.

I don't want to say the cliche thing of " ive got depression". I don't, i just have my ups and downs in life like we all do. in fact my downs are rays of sunshine to what some people are going through ( people ive met and things I've read)

so thats why iam not doing this as a "woe is me" entry.

BUT! my depression bouts are the reason why i drink, ( like many of us) and it needs to be addressed on WHY i get these phases. Today it was so strong that i forced myself to go to sleep in the day, and at times i woke up with a jolt of fear and quickly forced myself back to sleep...

it was like i didn't want to be in a conscious state. ( sounds familiar?)

2 weeks ago i would of absolutely obliterated myself to shake that feeling, and it would of worked, but i would never have known how to deal with it sober.

Small flashback - as a young teenage guy i had terrible confidence, look even further i was actually born with 0 confidence, my folks tell me stories. So start at rock bottom, I HATE that about myself that at 27 i should be at my prime but I am still building my dam confidence.

As of two years ago i actually started to speak properly. This SA was that debilitating that at random times i couldn't speak or id mumble a sentence, this started happening somewhere around 22 years.

anyway for the last 12 years its all been liquid confidence. Id feel like a loser, id drink, iam suddenly a winner in my head - rinse repeat etc.

and iam so sick of faking confidence, especially in my relationships.

Today i went to a singles night.....80 guys and girls chatting away testing their game. i would of had the time of my life if i was drinking, i would of forgotten about my break up in 30 mins.

but this time it wasn't that i was not confident - i just was not interested. Ive spent so much energy faking confidence in my last relationship that i just didn't have any reserves in me atm to even bother trying to talk to the woman at this place that were expecting 100% talking game.

i was not interested to talk to anyone.

just goes to show that I am still not ready to date or be with anyone.

and iam in a bit of a corner here.:

I dont want to socialize, but i crave being in a crowd
i got to social events but i dont talk to anyone, iam so distrusting atm.
I need to find some female company just to ease my mind, but i think and feel like my left eye has gotten bigger from all the tension.

And I am so unrelaxed and tight that i give off all the wrong signals not to mention say nothing right.

Ive actually been so unrelaxed for years now.

6 years ago when i went through another relationship breakdown i was out every night guzzling beer and cider and going with the flow for any adventure, lets just say i moved on and achieved by killing lots and lots of brain cells.

I don't have that option now and i don't want that option. Iam doing life and its problems sober now.

So I am not sure what to do. Do i just ride it out and let time do its course and slowly allow my brain to adjust to life? Its like all my nerve endings in my head are all raw atm , and EVERYTHING is hitting them, because there is no alcohol there anymore to numb them.

thanks for reading.

onto Day 14
IMO this is why AA suggests to not jump into a relationship in the first year. Relationships are a LOT of work drunk or sober. It's good you're using this time to focus on yourself with honesty. You don't need someone to validate who you are as a person. That is shown through the way you live your life and when the right person comes along you'll know it. No need trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
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Old 05-13-2018, 03:41 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Day 14 down


Today is all positivity and no random rambling of whats going on in my head. Enough of that. I basically did today everything the opposite of what i wrote yesterday.

Today i went to a volleyball game and we played for 5 hours with a bunch of people ( not my friends, just randomly joined in)

after that, i went to a foreign language meeting with around 50 people. Basically, a whole bunch of foreigners socializing and getting to know each other. Different cultures and different languages. It was very interesting.

Just randomly socializing with people, even if its a tiny bit a day is really helping my sobriety, i don't think about that habit of sitting at my desk and drowning my life away.

so itl be officially 2 weeks now. Thats half way to my record of 34 days. iam planning to surpass that and go beyond.

I didn't think being sober has so much dam thinking involved though, because ive been on edge for all 14 days now.
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Old 05-17-2018, 03:59 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Day 18

My mind is finally back to normal, I think the alcohol craziness and instability storm has passed.

at 18 days i am thinking much clearer. Lots of exercising have helped to flush out the toxins much quicker this time I presume, been drinking lots of tea in the evenings.

alcohol cravings are minimal. I have drunk SO MUCH in the past that i just don't miss it at all. There is nothing good about it, not for me anyway.

Still waking up angry though, but i think that's due to constantly starting back at square one in my life, and its probably because i keep churning the ex thing on repeat in my head subconsciously all day. I know everyone is saying "forget about her, get over it, move on" etc... yeah, ...easier said than done.

I want to move on, but that won't happen until I find another girl, and THAT won't happen until i move on....see my dilemma?

so I am taking this time to just worry about work, sport, and my sobriety.

I've moved back in with my folks temporarily ( for the 4th time now). I am planning to save some more cash till August and then hopefully just have enough deposit for my own place, if the bank says no, then itl be here for another 6 months. - I don't mind living with my folks but iam sick of starting over again for the 3rd time now, and not being as independent as i want to be.

Considering there is no more alcohol in my life, perhaps things will take a different turn.

on day 19.
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Old 05-17-2018, 08:58 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Renvate View Post
Day 18

I want to move on, but that won't happen until I find another girl, and THAT won't happen until i move on....see my dilemma?

.
Renvate- just wanna comment on this quick. I know this sounds hippy and one love but seriously- everything you are looking for in a partner, is already within you. We tend to idolize people or make them extra special in our mind so that we feel we are good enough. They validate you and give you that confidence that you are searching for.

Sometimes, the universe (or God in my life) will not bring you another person because what you are searching for is someone to fill empty pieces and make you whole. You already are WHOLE, we just need to realize that.

I am not sure if you are into mediation or anything, but the more I meditate the more aware I am that I have everything I need in myself. Then, can two whole people enjoy adding things to each others lives, instead of filling holes.

Sorry about my ramble but something urged me to say that, as I too struggled with that alotttttt.

But hey, take it or leave it! Glad to hear your moods are stabilizing!
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