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-   -   I did warn i was going to be posting actively :) - Renvates Sober counter (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/427033-i-did-warn-i-going-posting-actively-renvates-sober-counter.html)

Renvate 05-01-2018 04:51 AM

I did warn i was going to be posting actively :) - Renvates Sober counter
 
Hello everyone.

I am finishing up day 2.

You know my father today told me "He who searches will always find"

And I've been searching on how to do something different this time.

in my two days, I have
-gone to AA, planning atm to do every Mon and Thur as per their schedule.

- i have definitely accepted step 1 out of the 12

- I have written hello letters to all my old friends that i haven't spoken to in years. With one i discussed alcohol and found that he too also has a problem ( he even has a micro-distillery to save cash) .

- i did tell him i went to AA, he said "jeez are you alright man" i explained to him it's like a gym, but for your brain.

- i was extremely bogged down today with sadness, i forced myself to go for a long strenuous bike ride - my tire went flat but I did enjoy the walk back home - the ride did improve my mood

- I have taken steps to partly let go of my relationship.

- i have made this journal ( to also keep the board clean) ;)

- atm, i need to be around people, in part that's why i have been very active here today. even txt gives off a company vibe.

- iam still spontaneously breaking into tears for about...10 seconds every hour or two for some reason though. i don't know what this is, this has never happened before.

in conclusion, upon doing these things it has helped unfog that "drive" to not pick up a drink. Ive been here before, i know this drive and it has helped me in the past.

onto 3 tomorrow

saoutchik 05-01-2018 07:56 AM

Nice work renvate! When you put effort like that into recovery it makes staying alcohol free that much easier than just trying to sit it out.

Bird615 05-01-2018 08:18 AM

This sounds great!

Being willing to do something different like this will greatly increase your chances of success.

And crying is fine--I look at it as healing.

:scoregood

Horn95 05-01-2018 08:38 AM

Hang in there bud. Last time I got sober my emotions were everywhere. Indeed, that’s where I am right now. Last night I was getting choked up watching the Lord of the Rings (the very last one).

Other moments I am angry as hell. Other moment depressed. Other moments anxious as all hell. And particularly in the evenings, calm and happy to be sober.

But I can play the tape forward, and going back to drinking to cover it all up, is just not worth it.

AnvilheadII 05-01-2018 08:51 AM

way to back up your words with action!!!

Dee74 05-01-2018 06:50 PM

sounds like a good start renvate :)

D

Renvate 05-02-2018 06:28 AM

Day 3 ending

wow day 3, so very early. so far away from my goal. But yet it feels like ages ago I had my last drink.

I Keep waking up exactly at 4 am the last 3 nights, perhaps this one might be better.

But still extremely irritable and wound up. If I am too wound up I cant talk in public. I cant put together a sentence sometimes. I just splutter out some incoherent sentence. weird ay.

but anyway, Usually I'd stop in for a beer after work, this time just plain old maturity drove me straight past the bottle shop.

I was also at the hardware store today and someone had spilled some kind of alcohol solution, I think. Because it was in the air. Jeez, I could even feel my pupils dilate once the whiff hit my nose.

And lastly, to unwind my extreme tense mood, I finally went for my first run in over 3 years, my record was 15kilometers - this was only 2though. So if you have the opportunity folks, go for a Run or a bike ride, it will help you out.

Thank you.

biminiblue 05-02-2018 06:37 AM

Exercise was already a part of my routine even when I was drinking, but once I stopped drinking, it became a spiritual experience. I quit drinking in the Spring here and the explosion of life and all its metaphoric visuals was not lost on me.

Keep it going. The first week is the worst, really uncomfortable.

I never want to go back there.

I suggest ice cream. Rocky Road comes to mind. :wink3:

goodbyeevan 05-02-2018 07:22 AM

You got this renvate! I wish I had a bike, that sounds amazing!!! Seems like a great way to leave the world behind and let it fall away in a blur. I love my meetings. Hope you can find a good sponsor.

Carlotta 05-02-2018 09:05 AM

Congratulations on 3 days Renvate.
It's normal for your sleep patterns to be a bit disrupted when you first quit (I was the opposite of you, I slept all the time) and the irritability and feeling of rawness should fade away soon too.

You mentioned stopping for a beer after work when you were drinking. I work graveyard and when I would come back from my shift, I would stop at the deli to get some beer. One thing which really was useful at the beginning was changing my route home.

I walked a couple of extra block so I would not pass the deli and I would not not go in impulsively. Like that if the idea of a drink materialized, I would have to go out of my way to get it which would basically turn an impulse fueled by the AV into a conscious decision.
Plainly speaking, it would have given me a few extra minutes to get back into my "right mind" and decide not to purchase alcohol.

Anyway, you got a sound plan and you are taking action!
Keep it up.

Renvate 05-03-2018 05:40 AM

Day 4 down.
i have ZERO enthusiasm to drink ( but i know its coming, as sneaky as it always does)

TEXT MOOD - not sad or angry, just passive.


Today was a tough one, I worked on my own so unfortunately I was stuck with my mind, it definitely didn't give me a break.

I was meant to go to AA today. No excuse, i just didnt. I was abit taken back by the very depressive mood amongst the 14 members on Monday, and i will find another meeting within the next few days.

today i realized that i basically rode out that relationship on either a hangover or under the influence.. very minimal sober time, i came to the conclusion that her loss of respect for me was all because of that.

she only knew me as an alcoholic. And the sober time i DID have, she told me "you are the sweetest guy on earth....and then when you drink, you turn into this truck driver"

I will probably remember this for the rest of my life, what amazing advice it was, so cheezy but so true.

I still though... have my reasons for why I ended the relationship, her behavior was not perfect, neither was mine. We both crossed each other's lines many of times, and with that, resentment set in on both sides - I just merely got the ball rolling towards the end.

I am saddened that I will probably never see her again as i wanted to marry her if it had worked out, and the last time we saw each other was when she boarded her plane. She had no emotion, just that look, and vibe that you both know its over, and off she went through the gate.

But I guess time heals all wounds.

Amazed how i am only NOW starting to process everything after 4 months. Just goes to show how much I've been numbing myself.

Thats all to write due to the fact its the ONLY thing that hurricaned in my head all day.

Day 5 tommorow, can't wait, hope the wakeup isn't as bad as today, I opened my eyes and realized " oh great, reality"

biminiblue 05-03-2018 05:57 AM

"Oh, great, reality."

Tomorrow morning, answer that (which I believe to be your Addictive Voice trying to give you ammunition for your next drink.) I would snipe back with, "Yeah, yay! I woke up! Another fresh start today!" or whatever positive thought you can use to magic-away that AV.

I had gotten into such a depressive pattern of thinking that it was a couple months before I was consistent in my back-talk to that. IT wanted to bring me down. I learned to win the argument with myself.

You'll feel better than this. Trust the process, and work to stop beating yourself up over the relationship. Some people are meant to come, be a teacher, and go. That was her role. There was a lesson here for her, too.

Blessings.

Renvate 05-03-2018 06:11 AM


Originally Posted by biminiblue (Post 6883556)
"Oh, great, reality."

Tomorrow morning, answer that (which I believe to be your Addictive Voice trying to give you ammunition for your next drink.) I would snipe back with, "Yeah, yay! I woke up! Another fresh start today!" or whatever positive thought you can use to magic-away that AV.

I had gotten into such a depressive pattern of thinking that it was a couple months before I was consistent in my back-talk to that. IT wanted to bring me down. I learned to win the argument with myself.

You'll feel better than this. Trust the process, and work to stop beating yourself up over the relationship. Some people are meant to come, be a teacher, and go. That was her role. There was a lesson here for her, too.

Blessings.


Thanks, blue, i of course am moving forward, i want to, but just gotta go through the process first considering its all hitting me now.

what i meant about reality was that, in my sleep i obviously have peace from my mind.

eyes99 05-03-2018 06:18 AM

I love it!!! Great job Renvate!

biminiblue 05-03-2018 06:28 AM

You're lucky! When I was drinking, sleep was not a peaceful place.

Good thing about being sober is that I don't defer my emotions.

I hadn't dealt with a LOT - that was (in my mind) why I drank, but the reality is that drinking stops the healing and causes that Poor Me circular thinking that never gets resolved. Now I can process things and keep moving. It's a huge relief.

We all make/made bad relationship moves. It's not particularly easy for sober people either.

Stronger2017 05-03-2018 06:31 AM

Great to read you’re making this happen. Good luck to you!

Dee74 05-03-2018 03:57 PM

good job on day 4 renvate :)

D

Renvate 05-04-2018 07:18 AM

Day 5 is over,

Txt mood - passive explanation of thoughts, not sad or happy, maby abit angry.

Today was different. I actually finally felt a ray of sunshine pop into my mind, and yet STILL doing that dam spontaneous breakdown every few hours. But i think that's started to ease as well.

And its been like this all day HAPPY extremely sad, HAPPY extremely sad - i only now feel ok because I had weights workout at the gym.

I am also having trouble falling asleep due to very disruptive thoughts.

so to put it bluntly honest - every time i close my eyes i can see my ex and her new bf having sex. and the same dam thought comes straight back when i wake up - at 4 am. which happens to be 11 pm where they are atm . and 11 pm usually means bedtime. So every time i wake up they are probably screwing......

i know its crazy thoughts, really crazy thoughts. i thought this too. BUT this was my thoughts in the morning, and as the day progressed i just stopped caring.

I even played that image in my head ( yes for some test torture) and i actually don't care. its still unpleasant, but its not as devastating .(finally)

I guess if it was some random person then fine, let it be. But since this guy was a presence in her txts in our relationship, it makes things ever so vengeful from my side.

note - after i saw these txts i lost all trust and started to move the relationship to the end no matter how much i didn't want too. That was my red line. Infact she probably beat me to it by choosing to do that, it means she must of been not happy with my alcoholism, but then again she fought hard for our relationship.

Anyway, once you see hidden messages people, dont be passive, start chopping. you will only respect yourself more.

Just to shed some light, this is a VERY VERY bad subject for me. 2 ex girlfriends in the past rubbed in my face that fact that they slept with people (after our breakup) upon reconciliation One even said "don't worry we used a condom" .....

Please note. i do have dignity, no way in HELL did I go back to those relationships, Not after that information, never. I would rather be alone and bitter then be together and bottling that information up pretending it never happened... just thank god this girl didn't say anything.


so these bedtime thoughts are just stemming from all those old wounds that still have lots of salt in them.

on a positive note. THANK GOD I STARTED THIS! I am so grateful I am at least 5 days away from day one. In the past, i have tackled every life issue with the bottle, this time I am tackling the loss of the relationship sober. The next extreme grief to feel, i believe is the death of a loved one. Which putting bluntly, will happen soon in our family.

And if I cant get through a break up sober, how the hell am i gonna cope with the rest of life's turns?

Tomorrow is day 6 and i am joining a hiking group at 6am.

Dee74 05-04-2018 04:53 PM

Keep moving forward renvate :)

D

Renvate 05-05-2018 05:40 AM

Day 6 is over.

Not much to add, just been in zombie mode all day. Very dull day. I slept in for the hike but very luckily managed to score a spot in a group later in the day. It was a very steep climb. After the hike and feeling tired I did crave a beer though.

But overall..I have 0 enthusiasm to drink, I picture myself on that desk with all those bottles..and it's just going nowhere. I really don't like it. That situation is absolutely terrible and it has no future.


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